I’m going to make a confession that might cause some readers – particularly those born in Muslim-majority countries – to gasp. Brace yourselves.
The older I get, the more I dread having houseguests.
There, I’ve said it. The ugly truth is that I am not feeling particularly hospitable these days, and hosting others in my home often feels like an exhausting, time-consuming chore.
Ever since the isolated, quarantined days of the pandemic, I haven’t been very socially inclined. During those years, part of me missed spending time with friends, but the other part relished the solitude and felt relieved that I didn’t have to keep our home guest-ready and Pinterest-worthy. That mindset has lingered until today, long after social distancing is necessary. In fact, when my editor suggested I write an article about hospitality, my initial thought was, “Can I write about how exhausting it is? Because lately even the thought of prepping for guests absolutely drains me.”
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the people I dislike, rather, it’s the immense, time-consuming effort that goes into hosting: the planning, cleaning, shopping, and cooking. By the time the guests have arrived, I’m already exhausted, and the event hasn’t even begun! Then, once they leave, there is a mountain of dishes to wash, leftovers to store and put away, and rooms to reorganize. Even a small dinner party entails hours and hours of work.
I didn’t always find hosting so overwhelming, but apparently middle age has made me more introverted, tired, and aware of my limitations. I’m a little ashamed of these feelings because I know Muslims are supposed to welcome guests graciously and wholeheartedly. Being hospitable is, in fact, a crucial part of our deen. The Prophet (peace and blessings upon him) said, “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, should serve his guest generously.” (al-Bukhari)
As an American convert, I know firsthand that being served generously has an immensely positive impact. This is probably because the typical hospitality level in the U.S. – while usually warm and sincere – just can’t compare to the altruism, thoughtfulness, and selflessness you see in Muslim-majority nations. Their delicious home-cooked meals, their consideration for guests’ comfort and happiness, and their generous, welcoming attitude speak volumes about the values of Islam. Hospitality, I believe, is one of the most powerful forms of dawah.
If there were a hospitality gene, it would appear to be dominant among the citizens of Muslim-majority countries. My husband, for instance, is Moroccan, and he seems to know, instinctively, exactly how to cater to each guest’s needs. Moroccans as a whole seem to radiate warmth and hospitality, serving their houseguests with charm and panache. It is the same with Muslims from many other nations; they seem to display genuine joy and effortless skill when welcoming, feeding, and hosting others.
I want to feel that way. I do strive to be a good hostess, and I think I’m fairly welcoming, but I definitely don’t have the same flair as most of my born-Muslim friends. Maybe the reason is the culture I was raised in?
“Help yourself!” is a common phrase we Americans use. When we say this, we truly do want guests to feel right at home. In many cases, this means visitors are free to get themselves a drink from our refrigerator, serve themselves second helpings if they want, bring a potluck dish to share, and even help wash the dishes when the meal is over. If we offer a guest something to eat or drink, and they decline, we simply say, “Ok,” and move on. We don’t tend to insist that people take another helping of meat, a second pastry, or a third cup of tea. We assume they mean what they say, but we sometimes forget that people can be too shy to ask for extras.
Americans, I’ve observed, tend to be much more laid-back, casual hosts, and I don’t think our philosophy is entirely bad. There is definitely value in spending quality time with guests instead of rushing back and forth to the kitchen all night, for instance. And in my opinion, our homes and food do not need to be impeccable in order for our guests to feel welcome and enjoy their visit. Nevertheless, the level of hospitality displayed in most Muslim lands is truly inspirational. It makes guests feel cherished, pampered, and loved.
As much as I’d like to make excuses for my less-than-stellar hospitality, I do realize that I cannot lay the blame entirely on my cultural upbringing. There are many Americans who are exceptionally welcoming and kind, and if I really put my mind to it, I could be the “hostess with the mostest.” After all, there is no hospitality gene that enables born Muslims to outperform converts or non-Muslims. Ultimately, hospitality is a choice. It requires putting others before yourself, giving generously of what you have, and controlling your own nafs, the part of you that wants to rest, or to eat the last piece of pie, or to sit and chat instead of making sure the teacups are full. That nafs is the part we must conquer in order to show outstanding generosity to our guests.
If you are at all like me, feeling so worn down from life’s day-to-day demands that hosting others feels like a burden, consider joining me in the quest to change your mindset about hospitality. Keep in mind that it has the potential to be full of baraka. When you choose to serve guests generously for the sake of Allah, you are:
- Following a sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him).
- Showing gratitude for the bounty Allah has given you by sharing with others. And remember, Allah tells us in the Quran: “If you are grateful, I will certainly give you more.” (17:4)
- Fulfilling guests’ risq, which Allah has already ordained to come through you.
- Demonstrating the beauty of Islam to non-Muslims.
- Encouraging bonds of sisterhood/brotherhood with your Muslim guests.
- Strengthening family ties, which is also a sunnah.
For those of you who already enjoy hosting guests and find joy in the preparations, Alhamdullilah! Allah has given you an opportunity to earn His blessings through something you love. For those, like me, who find it to be a bit of a mental and physical challenge, know that Allah sees your sacrifice, knows your good intentions, and will, inshaAllah, reward your efforts.
Remember to say “bismillah” and do each act of service for your Rabb. That way, the vacuuming, dusting, tidying, cooking, and serving will all be recorded, inshaAllah, in your book of good deeds.
Most of all, know that the guests are not burdens, but gifts. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “When Allah wishes goodness for one of His servants, He sends him a gift. This gift is a guest. The guest brings his blessings with him, but Allah forgives the sins of the household members because of the nice treatment and respect that they have shown to their guest. Anybody who believes in Allah and the Last Day should entertain his guest generously.” (al-Bukhari)
Sometimes gifts come in unexpected packages. What might seem like another item on your to-do list could actually be the means of wiping your sins away and bringing you closer to Paradise. And who could ask for a better gift than that?