Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) stressed the importance of marriage, saying, “Whoever marries has achieved one-half of one’s religion” (Mishkat al-Masabih 3096).
When he (peace be upon him) was 25 years old, he married Khadijah bint Khuwaylid (may Allah be pleased with her), who was around fifteen years his senior and twice widowed. The two enjoyed a blissful marriage for 25 years. She was his staunchest supporter and the first person to embrace Islam. He (peace be upon him) loved her so much that she was always in his heart, even after her death and his subsequent marriages. The Prophet said, “Indeed, her love had been nurtured in my heart by Allah Himself” (Muslim). For contemporary Muslim women who are striving to find a husband later in life – whether for the first time, or after divorce or becoming a widow – the process of achieving “half their deen” is often exhausting and frustrating.
The following accounts shared by various women I spoke to suggest that the process is fraught with a number of obstacles and complications. The names of the women have been changed for privacy reasons.
“From my personal experience,” says Aminah, 37, in London, “and the experience of friends and family, there is a real marriage crisis.” For those who are already married, or not currently seeking a spouse, the term “marriage crisis” might seem like an overstatement. However, Aminah’s words and sentiments echo those of dozens of women I’ve talked with over the past several years. Despite the increase in opportunities to connect with potential mates – including Muslim matchmaking services, halal dating apps, marriage events sponsored by Islamic centers, and the capability to connect online with single Muslims all over the world – women who are past their twenties are struggling, and often failing, to find a suitable life partner.
Why is it so difficult for Muslim women, thirty or older, to find a husband? Is there a lack of single men in a similar demographic? Are women’s standards too high? Are all the apps, matchmakers, and speed dating events merely a waste of time and money?
On a Quest for Sincere Brothers
The number one quality that most women wish for in a husband is not only reasonable, but actually a requisite for believing women: they want a spouse who sincerely practices Islam.
Lina, who is 38 years old and divorced, says she is looking for “someone who is practicing more than just the essentials of faith. They need to be fulfilling their obligations to the best of their ability, doing some nawafil and sunnah ibadah, have some Islamic goals for themselves that they are working towards as well as some Islamic goals they would like to achieve with their spouse, and taking time to learn more about Islam.”
Aminah, mentioned above, has never married. She says she wants a husband who “performs at least the bare minimum religious obligations (praying, fasting, eating and earning halal).”
Frustrating Results
While these seem like reasonable expectations, Muslim women are finding it difficult to find men who take the deen seriously. “A practicing spouse is extremely difficult to find, these days,” says Lina. “I don’t want to have to chase after my husband to do his obligations. I want a husband to meet me where I am, and then we can grow and learn together.”
“I have tried a few halal dating apps,” Lina continues, “but the men on there want to talk about disgusting things. I am part of some WhatsApp marriage groups where people post their marriage profiles, and you contact whoever takes your interest. Not everyone is posting their profiles, and when brothers contact you, they don’t have the manners to tell you their name or send their profile. They just demand you send them a picture of yourself. Lots of them also don’t read your profile properly and contact you even though they fit some of your deal breakers. They don’t tell you until after you have been talking for a while. It’s infuriating.”
Aminah says, “I met the most potential husbands through marriage/dating apps. I think these apps give you access to a large pool of people outside of your community, locality, friend and family circle; however, because of the relative ease of accessing these apps, there are a huge amount of people on there just for ‘fun,’ i.e. looking to meet up and date, but not seriously looking for marriage.”
Seeking Stability and Maturity
In addition to a firm commitment to Islam, women want a husband who can fulfill his responsibilities as a provider, leader, and supportive partner. “I find that I am not interested in someone who can’t communicate well or is not emotionally intelligent,” says Lina. “I also want someone who is financially stable and takes his role as leader of the family seriously. I find there are many men nowadays who do not know what it takes to be a real man and expect their wives to be like their mum. They expect their wives to do everything for them, including bring in a paycheck, while they have nothing to add to a woman’s life. Women, including myself, would rather look after themselves than take on a man-child.” Aminah seeks a husband with “stability with regards to job and finances, who is kind and honest and physically attractive to me.” And, she adds, “I fully appreciate that beauty is subjective.”
Despite varying expectations from Muslim women I spoke to, the one fundamental requirement is that a prospective husband practice Islam in a sincere and determined way. That makes sense as that goes a great distance in ensuring that the man will be responsible, emotionally intelligent, and committed to growth, both individually and in the marriage relationship.
Yet, in a world where connecting with one another is easier than ever, it appears there is a disconnect between many Muslims and their faith, and this is the crux of the marriage crisis. If everyone followed the sunnah of the Prophet (peace be upon him), there would be no inappropriate online behavior, no insincere promises made by immature people, no lies or manipulation. Many of the red flags that drive potential spouses away from each other – participation in haram activities, for instance – would disappear. In a follow-up article, I will, insha’Allah, present strategies and advice on this very important issue.
