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Author: Samya Ali

  • Conflict Resolution — A Foundation

    Conflict Resolution — A Foundation

    A husband and a wife bring to the marriage different backgrounds, experiences, expectations, and views on life. This is true of Muslim couples as well, despite having a shared belief system. So, conflict is inevitable at times as they interact with each other every day and make decisions regarding their individual lives, their relationship, and their home and family. Marital satisfaction and success can be measured in part by assessing the couple’s ability to handle the common stresses of everyday life and the occurrence of conflicts. Learning healthy conflict resolution techniques is an integral part of acquiring the competency needed for a successful marriage.

    Consider the following counseling story (names and details have been changed for privacy): Hanem came from a family in which conflict was avoided at any cost. Asim, on the other hand, came from a family competent in dealing with conflict, and able to discuss until they reached a resolution. Soon after Hanem and Asim married, some differences started to surface and Asim wanted to deal with the issues, but Hanem tried all possible means to avoid confrontation and even did not want to engage in any discussion. This became an ongoing challenge, and resentments began to accumulate on both sides. Asim could not understand why Hanem was always tense and withdrawing whenever they differed in their views. To Hanem, based on her family experience while growing up, conflict meant trouble.

    Through discussion in counseling, however, she came to understand that conflict does not need to lead to unhappiness, abuse, or disaster. She gradually understood that conflict can even be healthy and an opportunity for individual and relationship growth. Hanem and Asim learned how to communicate more effectively, to avoid conflict most of the time, and when needed, to engage in conflict resolution until both felt satisfied that the best resolution had been reached. They felt that they were actively building a stronger foundation for a healthy and happy marriage.

     A Vehicle for Positive Change

    Conflicts that are not addressed can easily transform into anger and resentment that build up in spouses’ hearts. Slowly, these feelings eat away at the quality and stability of the marriage and the couple’s love and respect for each other. Conversely, mastering conflict resolution techniques means you no longer run away from conflict or isolate yourself from your loved one. Rather you see conflict as a chance for a deepening interest in the relationship, a vehicle for positive change, and an antidote to a static or deteriorating relationship.

    It is beneficial to agree to some basic principles as a foundation for conflict resolution for Muslims. Preparing for conflict can save time and energy. It can also save a marriage from unhappiness and disintegration. Following are some guidelines that spouses can agree upon as a foundation:

    1. Agree, before conflicts arise, that the Qur’an and authentic hadeeth are the guide and criteria for judgment. This ensures that the management of the conflict and whatever resolution arrived at will be independent from whim or self-interest on the part of either spouse. Setting the Qur’an and sunnah as the objective criteria by which agreements will be reached is an assurance that the conflict will not turn into a battle of wills or egos. In this way the agreement will be fair and principled. This not only makes sense, but it is also a religious obligation: “…if you differ about anything among yourselves, refer it to Allah and the Messenger, if you do believe in Allah and the Last Day; this is best and most suitable for final determination” (Qur’an 4:59). One word of caution, however, is to not misuse or misinterpret a Qur’anic verse or hadeeth in favor of one’s own position or desires.

      2. .

    2. There are many issues that are not directly associated with a particular verse or hadeeth. In that case, the Qur’an and sunnah still act as criteria for engaging in conflict resolution. That means that throughout the process of trying to resolve the issue, each spouse should act and speak according to the many facets of noble character enjoined by Islam. These include commitment to love and mercy, mutual respect, forgiveness, patience, and honesty

      3. .

    3. When a husband or wife is unhappy with some issue, he/she should explore what is really bothering them and write down their thoughts. For example, if arguments take place over clutter in the house, it might be that it is not only the clutter that is so bothersome, but also “an attitude of indifference” about the spouse’s feelings. Writing down how the problem is affecting one’s well-being and the relationship is very helpful. By articulating and organizing the thoughts and feelings on paper, some surprising insights can come to light that can be brought to the table when discussing the issue with the spouse.

      4. .

    4. It is important to approach the conflict with a positive attitude and trust that both of you care about each other and about your relationship. A good first step in building this trust is to pledge and personally commit to a mutual trust in each other’s sincerity and willingness to be honest about the issues causing conflict. This pledge can and should be expressed regularly as an ongoing commitment.

      5. .

    5. Always put things in a larger perspective. A conflict can be a healthy avenue for anger and frustration to come out and be discussed and resolved. However, arguing often or about every little thing, or impulsive disagreeing on the part of one or both spouses is not a healthy way to live. According to Dr. Taha Jabir al Alwani, “Disagreements may be prompted by egoistical desires to get personal, psychological satisfaction or to achieve certain personal objectives. It may be impelled by the desire to show off one’s knowledge and understanding or cleverness. To cause this type of disagreement is totally blameworthy, in that egoism or selfish desire suppress all concern for truth and does not promote goodness.”
      .
      Therefore, as a rule of thumb, both spouses should cultivate greater tolerance and forgiveness for the small and simple annoyances that are normal in every relationship. Pursue only significant issues. Always try to see the issue in a larger perspective and remember that disagreements that come from or reinforce ego desires only bring about discord and should be avoided. The Prophet (s) said: “Do not engage in disagreement thereby causing discord among your hearts” (Saheeh Muslim).

      6. .

    6. Involve a mediator when needed. When spouses feel that the that they unable to resolve the conflict on their own, especially when they have been repeatedly discussing it without any apparent resolution or when one of the spouses persistently will not follow the Islamic guiding principles, a mediator is appropriate. The mediator should be someone both spouses trust and agree to. It should be someone who will be impartial and wise enough to help them navigate their conflict and put things into perspective. This person could be a trusted friend of sound judgment, a family member, an imam, or a family counselor. If the conflict is not severe, it can be better to not involve family members for two main reasons: first, it is difficult for many individuals to be impartial when it comes to loved ones; and second, it is sometimes hard for family members to forgive the other spouse, even after the couple has reconciled and has forgotten about the conflict. However, a mediator from each spouse’s family is warranted in conflicts that are major, intense, and may potentially lead to divorce.
    Neither Avoiding Conflict nor Habitually Creating It Is Healthy

    Avoiding conflict or, on the other hand, habitually creating conflict, can lead spouses to slowly isolate themselves from each other. Avoiding conflict causes resentments and anger to build up and turn into time bombs waiting to explode. Creating unnecessary conflict leads one’s spouse to calculate every word spoken out of fear of upsetting the temperamental one. This also is disastrous as the relationship no longer is based on both spouses feeling safe and comfortable emotionally. Feeling reluctant to voice true thoughts and feelings is a wedge that blocks the meeting of minds and hearts and the mutual surrendering of souls. Neither avoiding conflict nor habitually creating it is healthy. Allowing for inevitable conflicts is healthy as long as both spouses agree to resolve the conflict in a mutually satisfying manner, according to Islamic principles.

    Whether a couple is engaging in conflict resolution on their own or using a mediator, both spouses should keep in mind the following hadeeth of the Prophet (s). It conveys just how important it is to keep ego and selfish desires out of the way when endeavoring to resolve a conflict, and to focus solely on a fair and equitable resolution — “I am only a human being, and you bring your disputes to me. Perhaps some of you are more eloquent in their plea than others and I judge in their favor according to what I hear from them. So, whatever I rule in anyone’s favor which belongs to his brother [or sister], he should not take any of it, because I have only granted him a piece of Hell” (Saheeh al-Bukhari).

  • The Immense and Innumerable Blessings of Sabr

    The Immense and Innumerable Blessings of Sabr

    Sabr is both patience and perseverance. That covers a lot of ground. In fact, Imam Abu Talib Al-Makky, in his book, Qoot ul-Quloob, writes that most people sin because of two things: lack of sabr with regard to pursuing what they love or aspire to; or lack of sabr with regard to what they detest (such as pain, poverty, illness, etc). In fact, sabr is the key to the inner power that enables us to respond with intention and purpose to life’s challenges. One of the great scholars, Imam ibn Qayyim, stated: “When a man controls his tempers and desires and yields to religious incentives, he finds the true kingdom; for then he attains freedom. On the other hand, a king who gives himself up to his desires and tempers becomes their servant, driven by them both. Only the fool mistakenly concentrates on outward sovereignty, while its reality is servitude.”

    It is enlightening to consider some of the immense and innumerable blessings of sabr as evidenced by the Qur’an and sunnah:

    • Sabr is a way of being successful in this life and in the Hereafter —”O you who believe, practice sabr and hold together firmly and love and fear Allah, so that you may be successful” (Qur’an 3:200).
    • Sabr is a way of being close to Allah SWT and earning His love — “…and Allah loves the those with sabr” (Qur’an 3:146).
    • Sabr makes an individual qualified for leadership — “And We made of them leaders guiding by Our command, when they were patient and certain of Our Signs…” (Qur’an 32:24).
    • Those who have sabr are rewarded without measure — “…those who patiently persevere will truly receive a reward without measure” (Qur’an 39:10).
    • Sabr is a way of attaining taqwa (righteousness, love and fear of Allah SWT, God-consciousness) — “…So persevere patiently, for the end is for those who have taqwa” (Qur’an 11:49).
    • Sabr is a far-reaching quality to have — Prophet Muhammad (s) said, “…No one is given that which is better and more comprehensive than sabr” (Saheeh Muslim).
    • Sabr is illumination of the mind and heart — the Prophet (s) said, “…Sabr is illumination…” (Saheeh Muslim).

    Unfortunately, many people equate sabr with resignation: inactive waiting, passively enduring difficult situations, or giving up. Far from that, sabr is mental and emotional diligence; it is active endurance of hardship while diligently working on changing a situation to the best of our abilities.

    Sabr Is Extremely Important in Marriage

    It is easy to understand why sabr is so important in marriage. Don’t we all want a spouse who is successful, close to Allah SWT, possessing good leadership qualities, imbued with taqwa, and whose mind and heart are filled with spiritual light? Sabr is also an important ingredient to a successful marriage because despite all the efforts made before marriage to guarantee the perfect match, there will always be differences. We are multi-dimensional beings and our outlooks on life are shaped by numerous factors related to genes, upbringing, life experiences, temperament, etc. It is a truism that a degree of mismatch exists in most, if not all, marriages. The question is: how should spouses deal with such inevitable differences? First, both spouses must be willing to accept feedback and make changes in their behavior.  Each must also adapt to, and accommodate as much as possible, the personality and mindset of the life-long partner.

    Yet, after doing all that is humanly possible to create harmony in a relationship, there will often remain some points of contention between spouses. One very important tool in dealing with this reality is the trait of sabr. In fact, spouses can exercise sabr concerning what is perceived as unchangeable shortcomings or weaknesses in the other. But how much easier and more fulfilling it is to exercise sabr with regard to the spouse when knowing all the Islamic benefits and blessings (listed above) found in practicing this trait.

    The Practice of Sabr in Daily Life

    Sabr is also needed when dealing with the countless contingencies of life such as disappointment, sickness, or joblessness. Regardless of the challenge faced, one cannot truly succeed without the daily practice of sabr with oneself, in our relationship with Allah SWT, with our spouses, in our extended family, and in community relationships.

    The practice of sabr actually enables other skills to be developed. One such skill is utilizing the pause. The pause is the space between the stimulus and the response. Someone says something that triggers anger in you, for example. The pause is the space you allow before replying. Whether it is 30 seconds or waiting until one cools off, it requires sabr. If we are patient, we are more than likely to fully experience the pause, giving ourselves time to take in the information in order to accurately perceive and interpret what is happening or being conveyed. In this pause we purify the intention and then choose how to respond, having contemplated the consequences of any action. The other option would be to react with habitual impulse or base egotistic desire. Then we are forced to live with the destructive ramifications of less than truly conscious choice.

    How Can We Acquire Sabr?

    Acquiring sabr entails thinking and acting with sabr even when we don’t initially feel it. The Prophet (s) said, “…Whoever practices sabr, Allah gives him sabr…” (Bukhari). So, we can say that sabr comes with practice and, in the beginning, it may feel unnatural and difficult. But with time the practice becomes easier and easier. Acquiring and maintaining sabr includes formulating the intention to acquire sabr; reflecting on one’s purposes for acquiring sabr; and taking action.

    It helps to ask ourselves questions such as “Am I already practicing sabr?” or “What areas of my life reflect a lack of sabr?” Making du’a to Allah (SWT) to help us realize sabr in whatever we do is also essential. We can also use a “disciplining the thoughts” technique by becoming aware of our inner chatter and determine if our thoughts support and enhance the practice of sabr or not. We can then increase our fluency in positive inner thoughts that support the habit of sabr and make a resolution to go through one entire day with no thoughts that defeat acting with sabr.

    We can also seek knowledge from the Qur’an and sunnah and record in a journal whatever material we find about sabr. Then we can reflect on the knowledge we have compiled. By reflecting on the rewards we can gain by practicing sabr, or the painful consequences of not practicing sabr, we reinforce our intention to continue practicing, looking for opportunities in everyday living to practice sabr. There are endless opportunities — waiting in line at a store, dealing with the shortcomings of people we work with, encountering adversity, illness, financial difficulties, disappointment, inconvenience — the list goes on and on.

    The Prophet (s) said, “Sabr is half of eman” (Abu Na’eem and Al-Khateeb). That makes perfect sense as it encompasses so much — restraining the self from any harmful influence or temptation; and directing the self toward goodness and everything beneficial. To do this with unwavering purpose and dedication, one begins to feel the will power, like a muscle, being strengthened day by day. Each time we catch the opportunity to pause and reach down into the primal core of our being and connect to the meaning and purpose of our lives, we take a further step on our journey of transformation. Behaving only in ways that serve our intentions and goals, we are well established on our journey toward success in this life and in the Hereafter.

  • Q&A: Difficult Relationship with My Mother

    Q&A: Difficult Relationship with My Mother

    Years ago, I wrote a Q&A column on a matching website. Most questions submitted were about marriage or the spouse-selection process. But some were about other issues. One sister sent in the following question:

    Q.  I am a 23-year-old female and have had for years a difficult relationship with my mother. She tends to be negative, suspicious, and blaming. I have always endured this behavior by holding my tongue and making du’a that she will one day change her behavior. She in many different ways, sometimes subtle and sometimes blunt, degrades me, my choices, decisions, and actions. She thinks she is just watching out for me, wanting the best for me, and correcting me as a parent should. And she expects me to submit to her opinions and advice, to respect her no matter how she treats me, based on the Islamic teachings about respecting parents. I feel really run down by her negativity and behaviors. What can I do to address this issue with her that will not violate the command to respect parents?

    A. It is understandable that the sort of behavior you describe is very difficult for you. While your mother must have reasons in her background and/or in her current life as to why she is so negative, that does not excuse her behavior. Of course, the Islamic exhortation to respect parents is very important. Most know the following verses:

    “Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents. If one or both of them reach old age with you, do not say to them a word of disrespect, or scold them, but say a generous word to them. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy, and say, ‘My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up when I was small’” (Qur’an 17:23-24).

    However, this exhortation to respect one’s parents and be kind to them does not mean that one should submit to any sort of abusive treatment. As an adult, you are in a position to make clear to your mother that you take issue with her treating you with such negativity. It is, of course, very important to convey this to her in a very respectful way. You should aim to come across to your mother with a calm, confident, and respectful tone and attitude. The following guidelines can help.

    Start out by saying something that shows your love and your sensitivity toward her feelings. Let her know that your intention is not to criticize her or make her feel badly, but to protect yourself from the effects of being disparaged on a regular basis and to avoid this dynamic which damages your relationship with her. You then should state what the problem is, according to your viewpoint. This describes your difficulty/dissatisfaction and explains why you need something to change. Then you can make a specific request for a specific change in her behavior.

    According to the above guidelines, you could start out by saying something like this:

    “Mom, I really love you and I know that you care so much about me. That’s why I want to discuss something that has been bothering me for a long time.”

    Then, when you state what the problem is, use “I” statements. For example, instead of saying “Mom, you always are suspicious of me or say insulting things to me,” say something along these lines: “Mom, I feel really badly when I am insulted or there are suspicions about what I do in my life even though I try really hard to be a decent and responsible person. And you know that about me.” You could go on to say, “I really want to talk with you every day on the phone because it makes me feel connected to you and Dad and home.”

    Now you state the change you are requesting from her. “What I would ask of you though is that you avoid putting me down or voicing suspicion about me, my friends, or my activities. If you feel that I made some mistake or wrong choice or bad decision, just tell me that and I will sincerely consider your view. But please tell me in a way that doesn’t feel so negative, so disapproving and critical. I know you just want the best for me, but I can hear your viewpoint better if you tell me in a way that keeps my mind and heart open to your message. I know that if you can do this, our relationship will be even stronger and closer.”

    Keep in mind that if your mother is receptive to your feedback and request for a behavior change, she will not change overnight or be perfect in her attitude, tone, or words from that time forward and in all cases. None of us is perfect and she is apt to make some missteps. You can practice being patient with her and tolerant of those indiscretions. The main thing that you would want to look for is her willingness to hear your concerns about the dynamic and to make some adjustments in how she relates to you and expresses herself in conversation.

    If your mom is completely closed to your concern and request, you have the right to advise her that whenever she becomes insulting, suspicious, or otherwise extremely negative, that you will politely tell her that you are going to end the conversation, and that when she wants to resume and stay within more positive boundaries, that you are open and ready for that.

    It is helpful to reiterate this point: when you first tell her about this issue, begin by assuring her that you are not doing this to be disrespectful or to hurt her feelings, but to protect yourself from the negativity. It will probably take practice on your part to do this with a calm yet confident tone, and to follow through by ending the conversation when necessary. It is most important that after ending a conversation, that when your mom next calls you or approaches you, whether right away or sometime later, that you come across as open and happy to engage with her. That means that you avoid conveying any hint of resentment or disapproval of her. It is, in fact, the hurtful and destructive behavior that you take issue with.

    If you feel that your mom’s negativity has adversely affected your ability to function optimally in your everyday life, or has predisposed you to more than occasional mild depression, or negatively impacted your friendships and the ability to trust and let down your guard with good friends, talking about it with an imam or counselor could benefit you and help you to resolve your feelings about the situation. May Allah SWT guide you, guide your mom, and facilitate your efforts to improve your relationship with her.

  • ‘Do Not Envy What Allah Has Bestowed on Some of You More Than Others’

    ‘Do Not Envy What Allah Has Bestowed on Some of You More Than Others’

    According to Islam, taqwa is the singular superiority, and it is something that all humans can attain. There is no superiority based on race, ethnicity, lineage, gender, or any other basis besides taqwa. On the other hand, there are numerous domains of excellence that some people have more than others — physical strength, intelligence, beauty, talent, etc. These are all inherent in some degree, with it being noted that each of those can be enhanced by individual effort. But only a very small number of men have the athletic ability to play in the NBA. Not too many people can pursue successfully a competence in astrophysics. This is the diversity that is inherent in the human condition.

    We are told in the Qur’an, “…and do not envy what Allah has bestowed on some of you more than others. For men is a share of what they have earned, and for women is a share of what they have earned…” (4:32). What is earned, in the sight of Allah, is taqwa (e.g., God-consciousness; love and fear of Allah; virtue in word and deed). Recognizing the diversity of aptitudes and talents is part of a mature mindset. Indeed, there are hierarchies of skill, attainment, and excellence. Yet hierarchies are formed on a foundation of equality which starts with the God-given worthiness of every human individual. Then human society must aim to provide each and every one with equal human rights, with equal opportunity and equal protection by the law. American society falls far short of that, as does every existing society, some more, some less. Nonetheless, the objective is clear and in many ways the U.S. has been better at providing that than many other nations. Equality of human worth, equality of opportunity, and equality of protection by the law align with Islamic doctrine.

    ‘Power, Dominance, and Oppression’

    Equality, however, is not good enough for the radical far-left. It has replaced the understanding of equality with another idea and named it “equity.” This idea, while promoting itself as a remedial necessity to fix discrimination against people of color, women, and other groups, camouflages a deeper intent — to dismantle not just normative categories but the institutions that represent the American ethos, and even the entire system itself that is said to support the continuance of discriminatory relations of “power, dominance, and oppression.”

    The radical far-left wants to address and eliminate sexism but do so in a way that renders masculinity as “toxic.” They want to proscribe homophobia by demanding that we stop seeing heterosexuality as the norm. The acronym LGBTQIA+, which most people know as LGBTQ, is continually expanding the gender territory it purports to cover. The fullest rendering of the acronym that I could find is this: LGBTTTQQIAA; it stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, two spirit, queer, questioning, intersexed, asexual, and ally. And there are other “identities” that have not yet made it into the acronym, including pansexual, agender, gender queer, bigender, gender variant, and pangender.

    Taking note of this confusion is not encouragement, instigation, or incitement to hate, discriminate, or do violence. The intent is simply to recognize what is unfolding in front of our eyes and try to make sense of it. For Muslims, the intent is also to “enjoin the right and forbid the wrong.” Verse 9:71 in the Qur’an stipulates that men and women are “awliya” of one another. Awliya is the plural of wali and signifies friends, supporters, allies, guardians, protectors. All those meanings connote the idea of closeness and loyalty. Therefore, any attempts to render men and their nature “toxic” is rejected. And the verse also tells us that men and women, as allies and protectors of each other, enjoin the right and forbid the wrong. That, of course, can be complicated, for who is the arbiter of what is right and what is wrong? For Muslims, though, that is easy. Allah SWT provides the criterion. So, the normative model of two biological sexes, and of heterosexuality, are reality for Muslims.

    The loudest voices of the “woke” worldview and their approach to fixing what they see as systemic racism and sexism reveal the radical and harmful dynamic at the core: anyone who thinks outside the acceptable boundaries of this belief/worldview is instantly considered close-minded, reactionary, a backward rube, or a low-information conservative, and is to be censored and even “cancelled.” The “woke” social justice advocates also take an approach to improving things in a way that sees all reform as incrementalism that will always fall short and always hide a true intent of continuing the systemic power monopoly and elite dominance.

    Erasing Biological Reality

    Radical progressives go so far as to argue that gender cannot be assigned at birth, that only the individual knows if they are male or female, that a female can just declare that she is male, or a male can just declare that he is female and that we all have to abide by their declaration. Further, even adolescents and teens, having so declared their trans identity, are offered chemical and surgical alterations to their bodies. A foretelling of what is happening today, as the “woke” movement aims to deny and even to erase biological reality, was posited in the 1970s by some radical, second-wave feminists. Shulamith Firestone is one such feminist. She wrote in The Dialectic of Sex that, “The special tie women have with children is recognized by everyone. I submit, however, that the nature of this bond is no more than shared oppression. And that moreover this oppression is intertwined and mutually reinforcing in such complex ways that we will be unable to speak of the liberation of women without also discussing the liberation of children, and vice versa.”

    But she goes further:

    “And just as the end goal of socialist revolution was not only the elimination of the economic class privilege but of the economic class distinction itself, so the end goal of feminist revolution must be, unlike that of the first feminist movement, not just the elimination of male privilege but of the sex distinction itself: genital differences between human beings would no longer matter culturally. (A reversion to an unobstructed pansexuality Freud’s ‘polymorphous perversity‘ — would probably supersede hetero/homo/bi-sexuality.) The reproduction of the species by one sex for the benefit of both would be replaced by (at least the option of) artificial reproduction: children would be born to both sexes equally, or independently of either, however one chooses to look at it; the dependence of the child on the mother (and vice versa) would give way to a greatly shortened dependence on a small group of others in general, and any remaining inferiority to adults in physical strength would be compensated for culturally. The division of labour would be ended by the elimination of labour altogether (through cybernetics). The tyranny of the biological family would be broken.”

    Equality of Outcome Rather than Equality of Opportunity

    Acknowledging that there are diverse schools of thought within feminism and not all feminists tend toward the radical, and that there are many legitimate issues that feminists have brought forward, it still is helpful to understand what is going on today by looking at the radical theories that have been put forward over the decades. If Shulamith Firestone wants to “eliminate the sex distinction itself,” then she is proposing an outcome that contravenes human nature. Islam is very clear about the differences between men and women. And the findings of modern-day Western psychology have underscored these differences. While men and women are more alike than they are different, there are nonetheless differences in personality and interest. But the radical leftist agenda aims for equality of outcome rather than equality of opportunity and that cannot be achieved unless differences in people are seen as simply social constructs rather than human nature in its diverse manifestation.

    In an article in Science, Relationship of gender differences in preferences to economic development and gender equality, the researchers found that in the most egalitarian countries, which are the Scandinavian nations, the differences in the interests of men and women did not narrow, they widened. The authors write: “What contributes to gender-associated differences in preferences such as the willingness to take risks, patience, altruism, positive and negative reciprocity, and trust? Falk and Hermle studied 80,000 individuals in 76 countries who participated in a Global Preference Survey and compared the data with country-level variables such as gross domestic product and indices of gender inequality. They observed that the more that women have equal opportunities, the more they differ from men in their preferences.”

    The preferences include educational decisions and occupational choice. Women choose to work in fields that involve people; men are more inclined to work in fields that involve things. Iceland is a good example and an article at bigthink.com, based on a study in the journal PLOS ONE, reports:

    “Iceland consistently has been ranked as the most gender-equal nation by the Global Gender Gap Index (GGGI), which is an annual report on women’s empowerment based on gender ratios in political representation, economic participation, duration of formal education, and health measures. Iceland is also the nation where men and women are most likely to pursue sex-typical jobs.”

    So, men typically choose STEM areas of study and work and women typically choose nursing, teaching, and other people-centered study and occupation. The PLOS ONE study abstract states, “Women’s empowerment is associated with relatively high levels of national wealth and this wealth allows more students to aspire to occupations they are intrinsically interested in.”

    But, again, the far-left agenda is to achieve equality of outcome. That would entail pushing women to fill roughly 50 percent of STEM positions. Seeing every person as the same, with no inherent differences, requires denial of biology and also denial of reality. The only way to get equality of outcome is to force every person into sameness. So, to achieve that, you have to level everyone up or you have to level everyone down. A dystopian short story written by Kurt Vonnegut in 1961, “Harrison Bergeron,” is set in a future time in which “equality laws” aim to make every citizen equal to every other citizen. But the only way to do that is to level everyone down since biology and genetics do not cooperate in leveling everyone up. So those who are more intelligent than the average person must be equipped with a “handicap,” in that case an earpiece that blares loud noise into the ear so that he or she is not able to think deeply about anything. A physically strong or athletic person must wear a heavy weight around the neck to restrict and impair any physical advantage greater than the average. An attractive person must wear a mask at all times to block their beauty. These “handicaps” are required by law. No one is permitted to be anything greater than the average.

    Abolishing Hierarchies

    A thought-provoking article by Tomila Lankina, a professor of international relations at the London School of Economics and Political Science, speaks of the challenges the Bolsheviks faced after the 1917 revolution in Russia regarding this issue of creating a full-blown egalitarianism. It was not just the materialist, economic inequality that had to be addressed, it was also the inequality of human capital such as intelligence, education, knowledge, technical skills, communication skills, work ethic and other character traits, etc. Interestingly, the Bolsheviks, like the radical left these days, looked to abolish all hierarchies. Her article is interesting in that one sees that in the aftermath of the Bolshevik revolution, hierarchies quickly re-established themselves.

    In fact, hierarchies are well-positioned within Islamic doctrine. Those with knowledge, for example, are esteemed (the knowledgeable one without taqwa, however, without moral character, is not esteemed). If three or more Muslims are traveling or coming together for any project, they are to select an amir, a leader, based on his or her qualifications and taqwa. The Prophet (s) said, “If three people are traveling, then appoint one from amongst you to be the amir” (al-Tabari). The point is that structure, order, authority, and hierarchy exist and are necessary to avoid chaos. But that is balanced beautifully by the advocacy of consultation. All are essential for functioning in an orderly way and for support and protection of the common good. This is foundational to a society that lauds a moral way of living.

    Writer John Eidson states, “Identity politics is used as a political bludgeon to deceive Americans into believing their country is an incurably unjust place where things can be set straight only by killing off its existing economic and governing systems.” The United States needs many reforms but we should be wary of those who have a Marxist approach to social justice. There are many social justice advocates, including some Muslims, who call for “tearing down” the existing social order and its institutions. As already mentioned above, they tend “to see all reform as incrementalism that will always fall short and always hide a true intent of continuing the systemic power monopoly and elite dominance.”

    The far-left despises gradual reform and calls for a tearing down of the system. Yet, as Dr. Wael Shihab states in a 2011 article, “In addition to comprehensiveness in the approach to reform, it is also important to recognize that sudden, drastic reform is not workable and will mostly fail. Prophet Muhammad (peace be on him), the ideal model for reformers, gradually, with utmost patience and perseverance (sabr), brought change to the people of his time. He (peace be on him) was able to inspire and facilitate the personal and social changes that led from corruption and misery to righteousness and well-being; from polytheism to true faith in One God; from ignorance to the light of knowledge; from pervasive social injustice to goodness, compassion, and benevolence.”

    He continues, “Moreover, Ibn Ashur stresses the necessity of a gradual and resolute approach in reform, saying, ‘Human beings have a natural propensity for perfection. However, their actual achievement of perfection develops only gradually in tandem with their spiritual purification and moral uplifting. Indeed, we have in the gradual development of Islamic legislation from the beginning of the Prophet’s call to the post-Hijrah period a sufficient guide concerning the strategy of the Shariah for achieving its desired reform (islah).’”
    The far-left agenda today ignores morality in its attempt to create its own vision of utopia. It pulls from secularism, post-modernism, new age, and other “do as you please” ideologies. Indoctrination fills the head with “you have your truth and I have mine”; “you do you”; everything comes down to what the individual likes or dislikes as “there is no truth, just personal narrative.”

    “But if the truth were in accord with their desires, the heavens and the earth and whoever is within them would surely have fallen into ruin” (Qur’an 23:71).

  • The Wisdom Found in Remembering Death

    The Wisdom Found in Remembering Death

    For Muslims, the meaning of life and death is situated within the paradigm of surrender to Allah SWT in order to fulfill the purpose for which we were created — “He who has created death as well as life, so that He might test which of you is best in conduct…” (Qur’an 67:2). We are reminded in the Qur’an that “When their specified time arrives, they cannot delay it for a single hour, nor can they bring it forward…” (Qur’an 16:61).

    Given the inevitability of death, and given that we are tested by Allah, how should we position ourselves mentally and emotionally in our lives? Ibn Umar (r) said, “The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, took me by the shoulder and said, ‘Be in this world as if you were a stranger or a traveler on the road.’” The Prophet (s) has also stated, “In the evening, do not anticipate the morning, and in the morning do not anticipate the evening. Take from your health for your illness and from your life for your death” (Bukhari). A man said, “O Messenger of Allah, which of the believers is best?” The Prophet said, “Those with the best character.” The man said, “Which of the believers is the wisest?” The Prophet said, “Those who remember death often and have best prepared for it with good deeds; those are the wisest” (Sunan Ibn Majah).

    We should often reflect about the deep meaning of death and its impact on how we live. If we remember that this life is a preparation for the Day upon which Allah SWT will recompense each soul according to what it has earned, that death is the transition to the next life, and that death could be now or tomorrow, then we will live as if it is our last day of life and the last chance to please Allah SWT and to earn His mercy and forgiveness. That mindset is captured by what the Prophet (s) said about prayer: “…and pray the prayer of a man who does not think he will pray another prayer” (Silsilah al-Sahihah). If we keep the remembrance of death fresh in our minds when we go through our daily lives, we will have greater awareness, surrender, humbleness, dignity, and calm.

    It is important to qualify one thing: remembering death is not meant as a depressing or morbid practice. It is meant to keep us focused on the transitory nature of this earthly life, to let go of and not fret the small annoyances, and to treasure each moment as an opportunity to demonstrate our faith Strive to Remove the Veils of the Ego.

    In The Alchemy of Happiness, Imam Al-Ghazali writes: “His five senses are like five doors opening on the external world; but, more wonderful than this, his heart has a window which opens on the unseen world of spirits. In the state of sleep, when the avenues of the senses are closed, this window is opened, and man receives impressions from the unseen world and sometimes foreshadowings of the future. His heart is then like a mirror which reflects what is pictured in the Tablet of Fate. But, even in sleep, thoughts of worldly things dull this mirror, so, that the impressions it receives are not clear. After death, however, such thoughts vanish and things are seen in their naked reality, and the saying in the Qur’an is fulfilled: “…We have lifted from you your veil, and keen is your sight today’” (Qur’an 50:22).

    The worldly things that dull the mirror of the heart are most often associated with pride and self-aggrandizement, looking for worldly reward; that is, seeking praise from others or desiring wealth and material acquisition. When we desire to aggrandize the self, we feed the ego. Imam Abul Qasim Al-Qushayri, may Allah be pleased with him, said, “The spiritual warrior is he who breaks an idol; and the idol of each person is his [own] ego.”

    Turn Knowledge of the Tongue into Knowledge of the Heart

    Imam Al-Ghazali says in the above-cited passage that after death all things will be seen “in their naked reality.” While that absolute clarity is consigned only to the hereafter, we can still strive to remove veils of ego that prevent us from seeing things in this life in a way that aligns more with reality. Some of the veils of ego are anger, envy, pride, and greed. Remembering death, we can make effort to remove the veils so that we see and understand life and ourselves and others with more clarity. Some results of that effort include:

    • we more and more grasp the principle of cause and effect, especially with regard to our own behaviors
    • we understand in a deeper way what matters, what has genuine value, and what has priority
    • we make more productive and responsible decisions
    • we respond rather than react
    • we gravitate to people and experiences which nourish and positively challenge us
    • we avoid or remove ourselves from those persons or situations which potentially can harm or debase us
    • we refrain from doing foolish, counterproductive, or self-destructive things

    Remembering death can benefit us in many ways. Three of those benefits were mentioned at the beginning of this piece, and we can now add a fourth benefit:

    1. keep us focused on the transitory nature of this earthly life
    2. let go of and not fret the small annoyances
    3. treasure each moment as an opportunity to demonstrate our faith
    4. help us remove the veils of ego

    A good exercise is to make one’s own list and add benefits, and to review it regularly.

    Another good exercise is to assess on a daily basis, at the end of the day before going to bed, how well we did in remembering death, both as a motivator and an insight into the meaning and purpose of this life. For example, we can —

    • ask ourselves if we remembered death at any point during the day
    • ask ourselves if we paused at least one time during the day and reflected on the deep significance of death and its impact on our lives
    • ask ourselves if we made effort today to remove the veils of ego
    • ask ourselves if remembering death at any point today benefitted us
    • ask ourselves if we prepared for death this day with the doing of good deeds

    “And be conscious of the Day on which you shall be brought back unto God, whereupon every soul shall be repaid in full for what he has earned, and none shall be wronged” (Qur’an 2:281).

  • ‘Make My Richness in My Heart’

    ‘Make My Richness in My Heart’

    It has long been thought that emotions are generated by the brain, that they are mental expressions that have their physiological effects within the body, felt as happiness, sadness, confidence, anger, and so on. Research over the last decade, though, has shown that emotional experience proceeds from the function of brain and heart in coordination with the body’s complex physiology. Moreover, the heart is now more and more understood as significant not only in terms of the experience of emotion, but also as an independent processor with an elaborate circuitry involving neurons, neurotransmitters, proteins, and support cells analogous to those in the brain. Such a network equips the heart to work independently of the cranial brain, functionally involved in the processes of learning, remembering, sensing, and feeling.

    Even consciousness is now being shown to involve more than the cranial brain, with research in neuro-cardiology providing some fascinating perspectives on the interaction of brain and heart. According to Dr. Mohamed Omar Salem, professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Science at United Arab Emirates University, “It has long been thought that conscious awareness originates in the brain alone. Recent scientific studies suggest that consciousness emerges from the brain and body acting together; a growing body of evidence now suggests that the heart plays a particularly significant role in this process. The above findings indicate that the heart is far more than a simple pump. In fact, it is seen now as a highly complex, self-organizing information processing center with its own functional ‘brain’ that communicates with, and influences, the cranial brain via the nervous system, hormonal system, and other pathways.”

    When we speak about the heart as the center of emotions or as the seat of intelligence, traditionally it’s been understood that that we are speaking metaphorically, as in the Qur’anic verse “…hearts with which they understand not” (Qur’an 7:179). In fact, as mentioned above, it turns out that the heart is literally a “heart brain” and that the heart and the cranial brain are constantly exchanging information. According to recent studies, the heart sends more information to the brain than vice versa.

    ‘Gently Rolling Hills’ of the Heart

    Purifying the heart takes on another profound layer of meaning. Thinking about the heart in a broader perspective allows for an understanding of moral and spiritual imperatives, as per the verse above, but it also makes sense in terms of health and physical well-being. Negative emotions such as frustration or anger create erratic heart rhythms, increase stress hormone levels, constrict blood vessels, raise blood pressure, and weaken the immune system; while positive emotions such as love, gratitude, and compassion create a heart rhythm pattern that has been likened to “gently rolling hills.” Purifying the heart sounds like a pretty smart thing to do! In the interaction of brain and heart, we begin to conceive of the heart’s function as not just metaphorical but literal, as it plays its central role as a generator and processor, in its own right, of emotion and cognition.

    The Prophet (s), said, “Truly in the body there is a morsel of flesh which, if it be whole, all the body is whole; and which, if it be diseased, all of it is diseased. Truly it is the heart” (Bukhari and Muslim). Working toward knowing ourselves fully involves both mind and heart. But as imperfect humans, we too often think that we should focus our attention on “teaching others how to live.”

    What comes to mind is the teaching story about the old man who was sitting with two friends at a coffee shop. One asked him what he considered the most important thing he had learned in his long life. He answered, “As a young man, I was self-assured, full of enthusiasm, and used to pray to God to help me change the world. Then when I was 40 years old, I realized that my life was already half over, and I was honest enough with myself to admit that I had done little to change the world. So, I prayed to God to help me change the people closest to me, all of whom had so many imperfections and harmful habits. But none of them changed for the better and my relationships became even more difficult. Now I’m an old man and my prayer is simple indeed. I ask God to give me the strength and determination to change myself.” This story is simplified and exaggerated to make a point. We know that one can work on oneself while also influencing others to be better. But if a person is not working on himself as the foundation, then all efforts to impact others will fail. What we have to work on is the entirety of our beings — thoughts, feelings, words, actions.

    Both Brain and Heart

    It is worth repeating that both the brain and heart are involved in cognition and emotion. The interplay of heart and brain is complex, and it is not necessary that we understand in depth and detail how that plays out. What concerns us is the harmonious outcome, being aware of and working on both cognitive and emotional faculties, knowing ourselves through observation and honest evaluation of self.

    Based on current research, we can say that “understanding with the heart” is not simply metaphorical. Without doubt, thought and feeling are both involved in everything we say and do. Thoughts activize and feed emotions, and emotions catalyze and reinforce thoughts. They are two revolving facets of the same perceptual and experiential dynamic. The healthy and effective approach to daily living is one which comprehends and integrates in a balanced way both the thinking and feeling modes. The harmony we are striving for is one in which all aspects of our being are integrated into a coherent, well-functioning, and efficient system. Beliefs, thoughts, emotions, attitudes, behaviors — all different aspects, yet interlocking parts that can create a wholeness and completeness in our lives.

    To Die Integrated

    There is a true story from the life of Prophet Muhammad (s), as related by Dr. Yusuf Al-Qaradawi in “Al-Eman wal-Hayah” that illustrates this wholeness and completeness. A group of thirteen men traveled from Yemen to the Prophet in Medina, seeking to learn as much as they could, and they stayed a number of days but were eager to return to their people and share what they had learned. On the day of departure, they came to give their farewells to the Prophet (s). He called upon Bilal (r) to give them gifts and provisions to take with them, to honor them and be generous with them. Prophet Muhammad asked, “Is there anyone else who has not been given a gift.” They said, “Yes O Messenger of Allah. There is one young man, and he is the youngest among us.” The Prophet said, “Send him to me.” They went to the young man who was taking care of their belongings and caravan and informed him that the Prophet asked that he come to take his farewell and get his gifts. The young man went to the Prophet and said, “O messenger of Allah, I am with the group from Bani Abdhyy.” The Prophet (s) said, “What are your needs?” The young man said, “My needs are different from my companions’ needs. Although they came desiring to learn about Islam and have done so, and you have given them gifts, indeed by Allah I did not come from my country but to ask Allah SWT to forgive me, to have mercy on me, and make my richness in my heart.” Prophet Muhammad motioned for the young man to come closer, and he put his hand on his shoulder and head and made this du’a for him: “O Allah forgive him and have mercy on him and make his richness in his heart.” Then the Prophet called Bilal to give him gifts as had been given to the rest of his companions.

    Some years later, the same group came to the Prophet in Medina and said, “O Prophet we are from Bani Abdhyy.” The Prophet (s) asked about the young man as he was not with them this time. They responded, “We have not seen anybody like him, and we have not ever observed anyone with his contentment and his happiness. While the people rush to get worldly things, he never pays that any attention. Prophet Muhammad said “Al-hamdulillah (all praise is due to Allah), I pray to Allah SWT for this young man to die integrated.” They were surprised, and a man among them said, “Don’t all people die integrated, O messenger of Allah?” The Prophet explained, “There are among the people those who die fragmented. Their energies are scattered in many directions, including their whims and desires and concerns, scattered in various ways. And death comes to them while they are still scattered and fragmented on these many paths of the dunya.”

    Dying in a state of integration would be reaching the end of one’s life in a state of wholeness and completeness — a state in which whims and desires and concerns have been unified by belief and virtue. The mind is no longer fragmented by internal conflicts, and the heart is calm and peaceful. Such was the young man, with an exquisite contentment and happiness that can only come from richness in the heart.

  • Eid al-Adha: A Reminder About Sacrifice, Both Great and Small

    Eid al-Adha: A Reminder About Sacrifice, Both Great and Small

    Eid al-Adha, Feast of the Sacrifice, marks the end of Hajj and commemorates Prophet Ibrahim’s willingness to sacrifice his son, Ismail, in complete obedience to the command of Allah SWT. When he proceeded to sacrifice his son, Allah SWT substituted a lamb and Ibrahim passed what was a “clear test” (see Qur’an 37:106) from his Lord. Each Eid al-Adha we are reminded of the significance of sacrifice in our lives. We think about the ritual slaughter of animals on the Eid and the distribution of meat to the needy. Allah tells us with regard to animals slaughtered in His name, “Neither their meat nor blood reaches Allah. Rather, it is your piety that reaches Him. This is how He has subjected them to you so that you may proclaim the greatness of Allah for what He has guided you to; and give good news to the doers of good” (Qur’an 22:37). The ultimate sacrifice is the sacrifice of one’s life for the sake of Allah SWT, the willingness to be a martyr for Him and His cause. We can, however, take time after the festivities of Eid al-Adha to reflect on smaller sacrifices that we can make in our lives. Here is one that may not readily come to mind: the willingness to withdraw from the noise and distractions of our lives, including the inclination to talk excessively. How is that a sacrifice?

    With social media, many people, especially the young, feel the need to check their phones every five minutes. This is a compulsion to know what’s happening, what the news is, what people are saying on Twitter, how many “likes” your post got in the last five minutes, what the newest grievance is or who is being de-platformed or cancelled. Being out of the “loop” is agonizing. Feeling that one is in the know and on top of things becomes an addiction. But all that virtual activity is not really real. It is not personal or physical reality. It’s the virtual “online” world.” More and more, people are living online rather than in the physical world.

    In a survey of 2,000 individuals, 13 to 38 years old, 86 percent reported that they would like to be a social media “influencer,” getting paid to post sponsored content — 86 percent! One might think that a society flourishes if its up-and-coming citizens aspire to be an engineer or physicist or neurosurgeon or librarian or software engineer or nurse or physical therapist or astronomer…on and on. But no — the young people want to be influencers. Basically, they want to get paid to talk, to talk and promote brands. In such a culture, call it an influencer culture, talking is valuable, even profitable. How then does a young person fit in to that culture when they want, instead, to focus on Islamic imperatives of developing character and striving to do good — especially if they encounter the idea that practicing silence lends itself to that developing and that striving. In a “culture of talk,” silence would be avoided like a plague.

    Sacrifice: Giving Something Up for the Sake of Something Else

    To sacrifice something is to give it up, even if it causes a seeming disadvantage or discomfort, for the sake of something else. The culture of talk, the influencer culture, is all about personality, about being able to come across as authentic and charismatic, to weave a personal narrative into the promotion of merchandise, branding, and consumerism. Imagine a young person surrounded by this materialistic messaging inclining instead to ideas like building character, increasing self-awareness, purifying the self.

    Personality, charisma, selling the self — versus — building character, increasing self-awareness, purifying the self. Interestingly, the latter inclination to character, awareness, and purification is Islamically connected to the practice of silence. Being silent, the opposite of talkativeness!

    For the youth, growing up in a “talk” culture, practicing silence is truly a sacrifice. First of all, for many, practicing silence is very difficult. Many people, not just the youth of today, find that they have to fill their every waking moment with distraction. In fact, we live in a boisterous world, full of chatter, small talk, gossip, discussion, debate, and noisy entertainment. It’s not easy to sit in silence or remain unspeaking for long. What is it about silence that feels threatening?

    It is in the silence that the agitations in our own hearts become audible and demand attention. Whatever pain, anger, resentment, fear, self-pity, guilt, and so on — all rise to the surface of our consciousness in the silence. In fact, we are meant to face these feelings, process them, and put them in a healthy perspective. Isn’t an honest assessment of self at the root of building character; of gaining greater self-awareness; of purifying the soul?

    And it is in practicing silence, where assessment of self takes place, that vast realms of wisdom are found. Waheeb ibn Al-Ward said, “We were told that wisdom has ten parts and nine of them are in silence” (“Ihya Ulum al-Deen,” Al-Ghazali). Why is that? The dictionary tells us that wisdom is “having the power of discerning and judging properly as to what is true or right; possessing discernment, judgment, or discretion.” Wisdom is making the best use of knowledge, understanding, and experience so as to discern what is true or right or proper. What impedes making the best use of knowledge, understanding, and experience? — self-delusion, untamed desires, pride, impatience, ego narratives of superiority or inferiority, tendency to blame others for one’s problems…all of these impediments to wisdom are addressed by building character, increasing self-awareness, and purifying the soul. And to do so requires a willingness to enter the silence. To practice silence is to enter a world of quiet, reflection, and self-discovery.

    Silence is Wisdom…and So Much More

    If silence is wisdom, how easy it would be for us to acquire it! All we have to do is practice silence. Do you doubt that something that appears so easy to do (until one tries it!) would yield us the time-honored treasures of character that so many have sought with fervor and devotion? Can you be persuaded that practicing silence would furnish the soul with wisdom, allowing one to discern what is true and right; to become whole and pure; to engage in the richest form of worship; to inculcate in one’s own self the attributes of marooah (an Arabic word which connotes intelligence, power, bravery, generosity and honor) — these embellishments of the soul are ours if only we practice silence. Here is the evidence:

    The Prophet (s) said, “Indeed silence is wisdom but very few practice it” (Al-Bayhaqi and Ibn Hibban). 

    The Prophet (s) said, “Whoever is pleased to be whole and pure, let him practice silence” (Ibn Abi Al-Dunya and Al-Bayhaqi). 

    The Prophet (s) said, “Shall I tell you the easiest and richest form of worship and the most comfortable for the body? They answered, ‘yes O messenger of Allah.’ And he said, ‘silence and good character’ ” (Abi Dharr in Tabaqat Al-Muhaddetheen).
    Jaber ibn Sumarah, as reported in Ahmad and Al-Tabarani, said, “I used to accompany the Prophet and he was silent most of the time.”

    It is reported that the Prophet’s companion, Anas (r) said, “Part and parcel of marooah is for a brother to listen silently to his brother when they speak” (Al-Tareekh by Al-Khateeb). 

    We should not allow all the noise and distraction of the world and the noise inside our minds to foreclose our inclination to practice silence, to contemplate. We should not allow the noise and constant distraction and our own compulsive talking to limit the moments that our speaking might be remembrance of Allah and the principles of goodness. We should not allow the noise to distract us from the lessons of the straight path whose insights yield understanding about ourselves and the world.

    The Prophet (s) said: “…that my silence shall be contemplation, that my speaking shall be remembrance, that my seeing shall be lessons” (Ruzain in the book “Wasayeh al-Rasul”).

    Eid al-Adha can remind us about sacrifice, both great and small. Let us sacrifice some of our frenetic time and inclination to talk and distract ourselves…to practice silence.

  • Burnt Toast

    Burnt Toast

    There was an interesting story posted on a website a few years ago — “When I was young, my mom and dad sat down to eat breakfast while I was playing nearby. I could tell that my mom had burned the toast, because I could smell it. I wondered what my dad would do — eat the toast or complain. Yet all my dad did was reach for his toast and smile at my mom, and as usual, thank her for the breakfast. I remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that toast and eat every bite! My mom apologized to my dad for burning the toast and I’ll never forget his reply: ‘Honey, the toast is just to fill my stomach, but you fill my heart. I appreciate everything you do.’ He smiled and reached for her hand. I felt like the luckiest child in the world!’”

    After that story was a comment from the person who posted the story: “This simple story shows that by graciously overlooking shortcomings, spouses can increase their affection and avoid conflict. What a great gift to the children when parents love each other this way!” One individual read the story and then posted this in the comment section: “I read your story about burned toast. It’s a nice story but it makes me think that this kind of candy-coated attitude with a spouse would reinforce the mistake or bad behavior. How would the wife be careful the next time not to burn the toast unless the husband showed her or told her how upset it made him, that she didn’t care enough to make sure that it didn’t happen. How do you answer that?”

    No answer was provided after that comment. But here is an answer. When a husband or wife or child lives in an environment in which everyone feels part of a team, each one supporting and reinforcing the strengths of the other family members, and each one extending tolerance and forgiveness to other family members for their weaknesses and mistakes, then each and every one of them is predisposed to striving to do their best in all aspects of their lives.

    Husni-zann

    The willingness to overlook shortcomings rests in the trait of husni-zann, choosing to perceive and interpret everyone and everything in the most favorable and charitable light. After his release from prison, Prophet Yusuf (s), was restored to a position of great dignity and power after being betrayed by his brothers. He was ultimately reunited with them, and despite the betrayal, he forgave and embraced them as his cherished family. Certainly, among the stories of the prophets there are so many examples of tolerance and forgiveness.

    The story of the burned toast seems straightforward and pretty simple in its message — to be tolerant and forgiving of someone else’s mistake or shortcoming. Yet if we look more closely, we see that there are quite a few aspects of insight and wisdom for us to glean from this simple story:

    • Making your spouse feel like a treasure opens his or her heart so that there is a mutual surrender to love.

    • Creating a positive beginning to the day ensures that everyone present is sent off into the world to their various engagements or activities (job, school, etc.) with a cheerful, confident, and hopeful outlook.

    • Behaving and speaking to one’s spouse in a loving way gives a gift to the children that is an investment in their future happiness and success in their own marriage relationship. It fortifies their belief in loving relationships and guards them from the disillusionment that comes from witnessing a relationship filled with conflict and unhappiness.

    • By acting in a kind and tolerant way, we are spreading the inclination to kindness and altruism. A collaborative study done by researchers at University of California, Los Angeles, University of Cambridge, and University of Plymouth in the United Kingdom, shows that being the recipient of a kind act or witnessing someone doing an act of kindness is likely to cause us to similarly do something kind and altruistic ourselves.

    • Looking for the positive qualities in someone is most often correlated to an ability to see our own positive qualities. Of course, this has to be coupled with working to eliminate or overcome our negative habits or behaviors. This healthy habit of looking for the positive in ourselves and others raises belief and confidence in human beings’ potential for maturity and goodness.

    • Looking at other people through eyes of compassion is only possible if I make friends with myself and act as “my own best friend” in the way I observe my own mistakes and shortcomings. If we are compassionate toward ourselves, coupled with having committed to our best striving for goodness, then we know that at any given moment we are doing the best we can. And when we make a mistake or commit a wrongdoing, we are willing to acknowledge it, correct it, and ask forgiveness if we have hurt another person. Because this is how we deal with our own selves, we can optimally open our hearts and minds to others, in the most sensitive and caring way.

    • Giving others the benefit of the doubt brings about positive change and healthy, joyful relationships. Blaming and condemnation result in stress, emotional wounds, feelings of hopelessness and unhappiness.

    • When we cultivate husni-zann, we serve as perpetual motivators for one another, caring and being cared for, inspiring and being inspired, influencing and being influenced.

    The husband in the “burnt toast” story understood well that he was sitting across the table from the woman who was his best friend, life-partner, and soulmate. He certainly demonstrated that he had full awareness that his words and actions (“honey, the toast is just to fill my stomach, but you fill my heart”; he smiled and reached for her hand) are catalysts of mutual affection and devotion. Hearts then open to the fullest unfolding of love’s potency to bring healing, wholeness, and joy. This is what marriage is meant to be: a spiritual union of two souls deeply devoted to each other. Both spouses feel enhanced and graced by the relationship, finding in it solace and reassurance, and feeling safe and protected.

    Allah SWT tells us in the Qur’an about the relationship of husband and wife: “…they are garments for you, and you are garments for them…” A garment adorns, comforts, and protects. That is a beautiful image.

  • World Hijab Day: Inner and Outer Hijab

    World Hijab Day: Inner and Outer Hijab

    February 1 is World Hijab Day. According to the website worldhijabday.com, “February 1st, 2013, marked the first annual World Hijab Day (WHD) in recognition of millions of Muslim women who choose to wear the hijab and live a life of modesty… [it is] a means to foster religious tolerance and understanding by inviting women (non-Hijabi Muslims/non-Muslims) to experience the hijab for one day.”

    Actually, hijab is not mentioned in the Qur’an as a head-covering for women. The head-cover for women is mentioned in the Qur’an as a khimar. Hijab, on the other hand, is anything that screens or separates two things. For example, hijab is mentioned in 33:35 as a physical screen or curtain in the houses of Prophet Muhammad, separating his wives’ private spaces from the space of visitors. Hijab is also mentioned in 42:51 as a veil that separates humans from God. Hijab, as an invisible barrier, exists between those who recite the Qur’an and those who are wrongdoers, who do not believe in the Hereafter, and are averse to hearing about God in the Qur’an, according to 17:45-47. Based on this wider understanding of hijab, if a woman wears a headcover, she is wearing a khimar and one would hope that she has an inner hijab. That is, a barrier between her thoughts, words, and deeds and all that is base. The same applies to men. But how often it appears that Muslims relegate “hijab” to women, forgetting about its actual linguistic and Qur’anic meaning and its applicability to both genders. Almost like this: if all the women are wearing khimars and modest clothing, it proves that our society is practicing Islam and fulfilling its religious duty. But “the issue is much bigger than that,” as demonstrated in a narrative told by Sh. Muhammad Al-Ghazali.

    Calling for Compassion and Patience

    Shaykh Al-Ghazali was a scholar of classical Islamic learning and also had an extensive knowledge of modern science. He authored numerous books on Islam and was revered by so many Muslims. Graduating from Al-Azhar University in 1941, he was active in dawah and he recalls the day that a young woman came to see him. He took note that the way she dressed was not very modest. He says, “However, the look in her eyes revealed sadness and bewilderment that called for compassion and patience.” He spoke with her and found out that she was Arab but had been raised in France and had very little knowledge about Islam. The Shaykh told her about some fundamentals of Islam and answered all her questions. She requested a future appointment and then left. Sh. Al-Ghazali continues with the story. “Soon after, a young man – on whom qualities of outward Islamism were apparent – came storming into my office and said vehemently:

    ‘How come such a wicked person was admitted here?’

    ‘The job of a physician is to accept. He doesn’t typically see healthy people, does he?’ I replied.
    ‘Of course, you advised her to wear hijab!’ he added.

    I said to him ‘The issue is much bigger than that. There is the foundation that has to be laid. There is the belief in Allah and the Hereafter. There is the hearing and the obeying of what was revealed in the Qur’an and the Sunnah, in addition to the pillars of worship and manners; the pillars that Islam cannot exist without …’ He interrupted me saying, ‘All of this does not mean we don’t order her to wear hijab.’

    ‘I wouldn’t like it if she came in a nun’s clothes while her heart is void of Allah. I taught her the basis that will help her to choose, on her own free will, to wear more decent clothes,’ I calmly replied. He tried to interrupt me again so I said firmly ‘I can’t drag Islam by its back end as you do. I lay the foundation and then start building and I usually achieve what I want with wisdom.’

    Two weeks later, the girl came back. She was wearing much more decent clothes with a scarf over her head. She resumed her questions, and I resumed my teaching. Then I asked, ‘Why don’t you go to the nearest mosque to your home?’ I said that but immediately I felt remorse. I remembered that mosques are closed in the face of Muslim women. The girl answered that she hated the people of religion and that she did not like to listen to them. ‘Why?’ I asked. ‘They are hard-hearted, and they treat us with contempt and scorn,’ came her swift reply.

    I don’t know why I remembered Hind [Abu-Sufyan’s wife]. She was the one who chewed Hamza’s liver and fought Islam vigorously until the 8th year of Hijrah. She did not really know the Prophet. However, when she knew him and saw his lenient manners, she told him ‘I never wished someone on the face of this earth to be humiliated more than you and your family. Now, I do not wish to see someone on the face of this earth more honored than you and your family.’ The Prophet’s kindness and sympathy changed the hearts of the people around him. Now, if only the people who give dawah today would learn from their Prophet. They would learn to draw together instead of driving away, and to bring good tidings rather than to say things that repel people away from them and from Islam.’”

    Inner, Invisible Hijab

    The different approaches of Sh. Al-Ghazali and the young man with “qualities of outward Islamism” are striking. Sh. Al-Ghazali was a moral man and, being a Muslim man who strived to emulate the Prophet (s), he would have been strong and disciplined in living a moral life. But as this story shows, that moral living also was infused with caring and compassion. The young man, on the other hand, appeared to be moralistic — hyper-focused on the morals of others and their real or perceived improprieties.
    Even though Muslims use the misnomer “hijab” when what most mean is “khimar,” the general import is that women who cover their hair and bodies are doing so to be modest, to set a screen between their private femininity and non-mahram persons. So, the intention makes sense and is just fine. But here we are focusing on the meaning of “hijab” to be a screen or barrier that a Muslim establishes to keep himself or herself away from all that is base. Certainly, that is part of modesty. And it applies, of course, to women and men that this inner, invisible hijab should be wrapped around the heart and billowed freely in the mind so that the one with an inner hijab sees and interprets everything through a value system that both nurtures and guards, that is strong and merciful, that stands firm because it surrenders to truth.

    If a man has this inner hijab, then he will do as Allah SWT enjoins of him (and of women, in verse 24:31) in the Qur’an: “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and guard their modesty. That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is aware of what they do” (24:30). A beautiful balance of responsibility to protect individuals and society from debasement is established when both women and men enrobe their souls with an inner hijab, screening themselves from anything that pulls the individual away from surrender to Allah SWT. Because of this inner hijab, each one will be mostly focused, not on others’ infractions, but on what he or she can do to emulate the Prophet (s) and that includes showing kindness and compassion to people, to Muslims and non-Muslims, to family and friends and strangers. As Shaykh Al-Ghazali said, “They would learn to draw together instead of driving away, and to bring good tidings rather than to say things that repel people away from them and from Islam.” With inner hijab, a Muslim man knows that he is responsible for his actions regardless of how women dress, that he can’t blame others if he commits a wrong or a sin. Looking at a woman who has not yet surrendered to Allah SWT and seeing her as “wicked” and wanting most of all to “order her to wear hijab” will never change anyone’s heart.

    Raiment of Righteousness

    Without that inner hijab, a man might be tempted by his ego to be a scolder, a correctioner, a bully, a punisher, an authoritarian. Allah SWT says in the Qur’an, “We have not sent you [Muhammad] but as a mercy to the worlds” (21:107). And the most commonly invoked names of Allah are Ar-Rahman, meaning “The Most Compassionate” and Ar-Rahim, meaning “The Most Merciful.” The discipline and rigor, the willingness and ability and strength to protect and defend — these are manly traits that must be used to guard humanity, but also to nurture humanity. The discipline and rigor inwardly focused might make a scholar or at least a most knowledgeable and pious husband, father, or community leader who is known as one who looks around and says, often and astutely, “that called for compassion and patience.” He is never tempted by pettiness or moralistic reductionism for he sees that “the issue is much bigger than that” — much bigger than how a woman dresses. His willingness and ability and strength to protect and defend starts with fighting for balance in himself, an alignment with reality so that he sees beyond the outer cloak and knows that if a woman “came in a nun’s clothes while her heart is void of Allah,” nothing has been accomplished.

    This genuinely virile man is committed to al-deen al-haneef, the way of those inclined, with their whole being, to a way of life steeped in devotion as they stand tall and firm with upright character. Yet, they have balance and moderation as footholds. Then they are able to discern things for what they are, to judge properly as to what is true and right. And so, this manly man might be like Sh. Al-Ghazali who stated, “I usually achieve what I want with wisdom.” He would know that “the Prophet’s kindness and sympathy changed the hearts of the people around him.” This man regularly secures the hijab wrapped softly around his own heart; and he cools his passions with the billowing hijab in his mind. For he has learned to be of those who do not “say things that repel people away from them and from Islam” but to “draw together…to bring good tidings…” His robe is taqwa — God-consciousness and fear of God. His protecting shield is taqwa, allowing him to love Allah’s mercifulness while blazing his own path with righteousness. And he knows he, himself, is imperfect and so he has a healthy sense of shame and that prevents him from being moralistic and harsh. Taqwa is like an inner and outer hijab, a barrier against all that would debase the soul.

    “O children of Adam! Indeed, We have bestowed upon you raiment which covers your shame and provides protection and adornment. But the finest of all is the garment of taqwa. That is one of the signs of Allah so that they may take heed” (Qur’an 7:26).

  • Transgender Radical Activism: The Effect on Children

    Transgender Radical Activism: The Effect on Children

    Abigail Shrier wrote a book, “Irreversible Damage: The Transgender Craze Seducing Our Daughters.” She makes it clear in the book that she is not writing about whether transgender individuals legitimately exist (she believes they do) or whether a person should or should not be able to change their gender (she supports an adult deciding to medically transition from their biological sex to the opposite). Her book, however, is focused on the question of why there is an astronomical number of young people, mostly girls, who are declaring that their biological gender is wrong and that they want to be reassigned the opposite gender.

    It should be mentioned at the outset that there are cases that fall outside the gender binary category. According to a study published in 2019 in the Journal of the Endocrine Society, newborns with ambiguous genitalia (intersex) is 1.3 in 1,000. Included are babies whose external genitals are not clearly male or female or the external genitalia do not match the internal reproductive organs. There are various intersex conditions. Intersex, however, is distinguished from transgender. A transgender individual feels that their gender identify is different from their biological sex which was clearly determined at birth. It is for Muslim scholars, research scientists, and doctors to provide the Islamic position regarding cases of intersex or transgender individuals.

    Gender Reassignment Is Increasing Rapidly

    It is also important to state clearly that nothing conveyed in this article is intended to condone or encourage discrimination against any person or group, including transgender individuals. This article is focused only on a radical transgender ideology and activism that is prevalent on the far left in the U.S. today.

    In Shrier’s book, she wonders why “gender reassignment [is]skyrocketing in the United States, Canada, Scandinavia and Europe? In Great Britain, it’s up 4,400% over the last decade.” This topic — given the data and the position of most regular people that there are two biological sexes — would be a fundamentally legitimate area to investigate. The reaction to her book, however, by transgender activists, “woke” radicals, and even some liberal-leaning organizations, is to excoriate her and call for her book to be banned. She writes:

    “Yet since publication, I have faced fierce opposition — not just to the ideas presented, challenged, or explored — but to the publication of the book itself. A top lawyer for the ACLU called for it to be banned. Powerful organizations like GLAAD [Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation] have lobbied against it and pressured corporations — Target and Amazon among others — to remove Irreversible Damage from their virtual shelves.”

    Muslim parents should be aware of what is happening on social media, in many schools, in the medical profession, and in American society in general with regard to this phenomenon. The following points might compel some readers to do their own research into this topic and thus realize that this is not of small significance or a transitory trend:

    • Many teens are influenced by social media and peer pressure to see transgender identification as a quick fix. It becomes easy for them to consider any personal, psychological, existential complexities — that in previous times adolescents and teens worked through as they grew into adult maturity — are rather because they are transgender.

     

    • Many doctors are buying into “affirmative care” regarding the young patients who request gender reassignment. This medical guideline discourages a doctor from investigating whether the youth might have other issues that are prompting them to think that their internal sense of gender is different from their biological sex. These doctors affirm the youth’s feelings of being in the wrong body and greenlight the way for gender-changing hormones and surgeries. Shrier notes in her book that many other doctors disagree with this approach but feel societal, medical, and peer pressure to go along with it.

     

    • Physicians, scientists, medical ethicists, and many others have spoken out against the transgender activist campaign that seeks to normalize individuals, even children, deciding that they should be their biologically opposite gender. Some critics point to what appears to be the recruitment of children to the perspective of transgender prevalence and easy availability. Some critics are being censored and find their social media accounts cancelled. There are also active campaigns to ban books such as Shrier’s.

     

    • Because of the backlash, many individuals are afraid to speak up. The Twitter mob is always ready to attack, and no one wants to be called transphobic. However, there are many people who do not endorse radical transgenderism. Shrier received a good number of messages from people, like this one — “Hi, Mrs. Shrier, I just wanted to drop you a quick note thanking you for your bravery. It might surprise you to know that I work for a prominent progressive politician (obviously I could never express my support for your work publicly). But it should be known that not everyone on the Left has totally lost their mind.”

     

    • One example of the ideological mindset of transgender activist individuals and organizations is a slide presentation created by Gender-Spectrum.org. One slide states that “gender inclusive schools” engage in the following: “recognize that gender impacts all students; interrupt binary notions of gender [male/female]; acknowledge and account for gender diversity; question limited portrayals of gender; support students’ self-reflection; teach empathy and respect.” Of course, encouraging a young person’s self-reflection and teaching empathy and respect are good things. The problem arises when these traits are taught in relation to “interrupting binary notions of gender” and promoting “gender diversity.” Demonstrating how fluid gender has become in popular culture, Facebook currently offers 14 preset gender options to choose from plus an option to enter a custom gender.

     

    • Some schools are facilitating transitioning of a student’s gender identity without notifying his or her parents. In an article on the website of The Heritage Foundation, the authors found that school personnel can “evaluate minors about sexual matters,” and that this “allows minors of any age to transition socially to a different gender identity at school without parental notice or consent and requires personnel to facilitate the transition with the use of the child’s ‘preferred pronouns.’ It also permits students to use the restroom that aligns with their ‘gender identity,’ stating that while ‘[s]ome students may feel uncomfortable with a transgender student using the same sex-specific facility,’ that ‘discomfort is not a reason to deny access to the transgender student.’’’ The radical transgender ideology indoctrinates students to see gender, not as determined by biology but rather by the young person’s feelings about their “true” gender identity. A book for very young children, “The Gender Fairy,” available in some school libraries, conveys to young readers, “Only you know whether you are a boy or a girl. No-one can tell you.”

    Harmful outcomes from the denial of biological sex and gender are increasing. Examples include the following:

    • A biological male who identifies as a woman entered the female-only space at a spa in Los Angeles. There were women and girls present when the biological male appeared naked in the female-only area.

     

    • The U.S. Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights issued a Notice of Interpretation in June of 2021 regarding Title IX. It clarified Title IX’s prohibition on discrimination on the basis of sex, in any education program or activity receiving federal funds, to include (1) discrimination based on sexual orientation; and (2) discrimination based on gender identity. Thus, transgender individuals can use school bathrooms and locker rooms based on their gender identity. A biological male student who identifies and dresses as a female sodomized a female student in a bathroom in a school in Virginia.

     

    • Biological males are competing against females in girls’ and women’s sports.

     

    • Biological male prisoners who identify as women are being transferred to women’s prisons, creating a potentially unsafe environment for the women inmates; a lawsuit has been filed by one plaintiff who alleges that she was sexually assaulted by an inmate who was transferred from a men’s prison.

     

    • Police in Scotland have announced that when a woman is raped, if the rapist is biologically male but identifies as a woman, the crime reports will state that the victim was raped by a woman.

     

    • A social ethos of “anything goes” or “it’s just creative expression” or “these are personal choices” can become really troublesome. Drag queens have for several years provided “story hour” for young children at public libraries. Take it a step further and you have the Department of Education (DOE) in New York City offering a drag queen story hour in a remote learning program during the lockdowns. An article in the New York Post states, “Lil Miss Hot Mess, a San Francisco-based drag performer, shimmies her way through a dramatic reading of her picture book ‘The Hips on the Drag Queen Go Swish, Swish, Swish’ in a recent episode of ‘Let’s Learn,’ a DOE production created with public television’s WNET.”

    There are now “drag kids” like a 9-year-old boy who calls himself Queen Lactatia, dresses like a female to perform on social media, and is showcased in advertisements for the House of Mann, a fashion brand that creates “luxury clothing and costumes for the LBGTQ+ community.” An article in teenVOGUE asserts that Queen Lactitia “inspires us to live colorfully.”Take this moral degradation further (this is not directed at transgender individuals; it is directed at radical left ideology) and we get an academic named Allyn Walker who wrote a book “A Long, Dark Shadow: Minor Attracted People and Their Pursuit of Dignity.” She advocates replacing the term “pedophile” with “minor-attracted persons.” She asserts that this can destigmatize pedophiles since, in her estimation, many who are attracted to minors don’t actually prey on or attempt to engage in sex with them. The radical far-left is engaging on many fronts that coalesce to sexualize children.

    There is an easy slide from the reality of intersex individuals to the biology-denying radical transgender ideology. All it requires is an assertion that binary sex is a social construct and, therefore, each and every individual is free to choose a male identity or a female identity, “regardless of genetics or anatomy.” The authors of an article in the Wall Street Journal make this point. Evolutionary biologist Colin M. Wright and developmental biologist Emma N. Hilton also state:

    “There is a difference, however, between the statements that there are only two sexes (true) and that everyone can be neatly categorized as either male or female (false). The existence of only two sexes does not mean sex is never ambiguous. But intersex individuals are extremely rare, and they are neither a third sex nor proof that sex is a “spectrum” or a “social construct.” Not everyone needs to be discretely assignable to one or the other sex in order for biological sex to be functionally binary. To assume otherwise—to confuse secondary sexual traits with biological sex itself—is a category error.”

    Preparing Children: Make Them Aware of the Radical Agenda

    A publication of The Heritage Society, The Daily Signal, features an article by Amy Haywood who notes that children who are brought up believing that there are two genders, male and female, are facing difficult situations at school. She advises that “…it would be wise for parents to formulate a plan to anticipate these scenarios with their children before they are caught by an activist teacher or school. Some good questions to think about with your children are:

    • What will you say if a teacher asks you to introduce yourself with preferred pronouns?
    • What will you/we do if a teacher punishes you for using ‘non-inclusive’ language in a writing assignment?
    • What will you/we do if you are penalized for ‘mis-gendering’ another child?
    • What will you do when the only correct answer on a test forces you to choose that sex ‘is assigned at birth’ by a doctor—rather than determined by chromosomes at conception?”

    Muslim parents should be aware of the potential harms that their children might face in being exposed to this radical agenda — through social media, their peers, schools, and tv and film — that promotes gender-by-choice. Seeing gender as a social construct, a fluid continuum that abjures biological reality, is creating a mixed-up generation who will have a very hard time figuring out who they are. Rather than teaching children that only they know what their gender is, humans should be teaching children to be God-conscious, moral, and decent. The radical left agenda is divisive. Truth is universalizing and uniting.

    “O humankind! We have created you from a male and a female and have made you nations and tribes that you may know one another. Verily the most noble of you, in the sight of Allah, is the most righteous of you. Verily Allah is All-knower, All-aware” (Qur’an 49:13).