بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

LIVE news updates
Jun 24 Transforming Your Reality Jun 17 A History of Muslim Americans’ Political Engagement Jun 17 My Brother is Gay: Navigating the Intersection of Religion and Family An interview with Imam Wesley Lebron Jun 10 Islam and the Romans: Early Muslim-Byzantine Interaction May 20 Reclaiming the Sunnah of Adoption and Foster Care: An Interview with Basmah Salam Apr 29 National Poetry Month: An Ode to Faith, Visibility, and the Conversations We Don’t Forget Apr 15 Beyond Ramadan: Taking Its Lessons Farther  Apr 15 The Power of Saying No: A Reflection on Boundaries

Tag: Life

  • From Zigzags to the Straight Path— Part One

    From Zigzags to the Straight Path— Part One

    It started with the innocent musings of a child.

    I would look at the lines that zig-zagged across the palms of my hands. On my left hand, two lines cross to form the Arabic symbol for the number 8 and then next to it is a single line that forms the Arabic symbol for the number 1. On my right hand, the order switches so the 1 comes first and then the 8. So, my left hand looks like 81 in Arabic and my right hand 18; 81 plus 18 is 99. There are 99 Names of Allah. Boom. For 10-year-old Sarah, that was more than enough proof that Islam was the truth.

    Now that I’m older, and perhaps a bit wiser, while I can still recognize that there is an eerie beauty to be found in these small signs, my faith in Allah does not rely upon them. Rather my faith, my trust in His wisdom, my fear of His wrath, and ultimately my hope for His mercy, all have arisen through realizing the importance of getting to know and invoking Allah by how He has chosen to reveal Himself.

    One of the mercies of Allah is that He has blessed us with so many of His Names and Attributes and then He has given us the freedom to choose the ones by which we remember Him. So, the Names that I’ve chosen to focus on in this article are by no means any more powerful or valuable than the rest of His Names, but rather these are the Attributes of Allah that I have built a strong emotional connection to and that I, personally, have found to be a salve for my soul. “And to Allah belong the most beautiful Names, so invoke Him by them…” (Qur’an 7:180).

    Al-Quddus / The Holy

    If we look at the references to Al-Quddus in the Qur’an, both times Allah chose to mention this Attribute (59:23 and 62:1), He places it right after Al-Malik. There is a powerful symbolism here — Al-Quddus, The Holy, the One who is free of any kind of imperfection, is also Al-Malik, The King, The Sovereign One to whom everything belongs. Allah being Al-Malik speaks to His complete authority and dominion, but what differentiates a benevolent king from a tyrant is not just power, but what they do with that power. A tyrant uses it to be the primary perpetrator of injustice. But for Allah to reveal Himself as Al-Quddus directly after mentioning Al-Malik emphasizes not just His power but His glorified holiness and His unique right to be worshipped and obeyed by His creation.

    We also see how Allah chose to grant some element of sacredness to some of His creations. Masjid Al-Aqsa in Jerusalem is often referred to as Bayt al-Muqaddas, “The Purified House.” And He bestowed upon the Angel Jibreel the honorific of Ruh ul-Quds, “The Holy Spirit” (16:102). Of course, in no way are we comparing the quds of Masjid Al-Aqsa and Angel Jibreel to Al-Quddus Himself; but because Allah allowed select creations to carry some measure of sanctity, we can use that as a way of trying to comprehend the limitless holiness of Allah.

    Al-Musawwir / The Fashioner

    Allah is the one who fashioned, shaped, and perfected us into our distinct forms and natures. He who has infinite wisdom chose to create us in this way. As human beings, we have a distinct status that Allah, our Creator, has bestowed upon us. It is really sad that so many of us treat these bodies that we have been gifted, so callously. Whether it’s by starving ourselves, binge-eating, falling into addictions, engaging in self-harm, or the multitude of other ways we abuse ourselves, most of us don’t treat our bodies as the amanah that they are.

    Yet, if only we could see ourselves how Allah describes us. The Fashioner who made all of creation, designed the universe and all the multitudes of animals and plants and insects within it, Al-Musawwir Himself, says that, indeed, He created us, human beings, “in the best of forms” (see Quran 95:4). Thus, even as we face our own individual struggles with self-image, we should take comfort in that, in the eyes of Allah, we are an honored creation.

    Al-Awwal, Al Akhir / The First, The Last

    Allah is The First. He has no beginning and He has always existed. And He is The First in terms of priority as well; adhering to His Commands must come first before fulfilling any of our desires. Allah is also The Last. He will be there even as all of us fade out of this earthly existence because He alone is eternal, and it is His pleasure that is the ultimate goal. Instead of getting caught up in the worldly results of our efforts, if we focus on Him as the sole finality, we would be able to find some measure of contentment in all of His decrees.

    That Allah is Al-Awwal and Al-Akhir covers every possible scenario – every single thing falls within His dominion, nothing escapes His presence as He exists outside the limitations of space and time, and He is with us, when we start and when we end, and all throughout and in between.

    Al-Wahhab / The Giver

    Al-Wahhab is one of the names of Allah that should evoke a powerful emotional response, particularly in du’a. Allah gives because He is generous. He gives beyond what we could ever hope for. He gives and He gives and He gives, and even when we are so completely undeserving of it, He never ceases to give.

    Al-Wahhab shares a root with the Arabic word hibah which translates into gift, and so we can look at everything He gives us as gifts. And the thing about gifts is that they are given out of affection – it is unlikely that one gives a gift to someone who they couldn’t care less about. At the same time, gifts are also highly personalized – the giver chooses the gift based on their knowledge of the recipient. And so, Allah is The Giver, and the gifts we keep receiving are a sign of His love and care and, as He is the All-Knowing, every gift that He has bestowed upon us is perfectly suited to our exact needs and desires.

    Al-Fattah / The Opener

    Fath-Makkah refers to when the Prophet (s) returned to Makkah for the first time after the migration to Madinah. It’s commonly translated as Conquest of Makkah, and certainly “fath” does mean victory and conquest, but fath also has a second meaning of something being opened or being revealed. Fatiha, as we all know, is the opening chapter of the Qur’an and reciting Surah Fatiha sets us up to engage with the remainder of the Book of Allah.

    So, Al-Fattah is the one who grants victories, but He is also The Opener – the one who opens all things for us. And really this idea is quite humbling. Al-Fattah opens up all possibilities, whether it be in terms of our spirituality (guidance, knowledge, Paradise), in terms of our livelihoods (status, resources, wealth), in terms of our relationships (love, companionship, family), or in any and all other aspects of our lives. He truly is the opener and the granter of all kinds of victories.

    Part two of this article is coming soon and will cover six additional Names of Allah SWT.

  • It’s Your Life – Balance It with Your Faith

    It’s Your Life – Balance It with Your Faith

    It’s easy to get overwhelmed with life — school, career choices, family, friends, social activism, political involvement, worship, etc. Sometimes you just wonder, “where is the right balance.”

    Being a young American Muslim means navigating social, political, cultural, and personal challenges

    The Quran and the teachings of the Prophet (peace be upon him) don’t just lay out a simplistic or doctrinaire formula to follow for balancing one’s life because human beings are complex, diverse in our demographics and personal attributes. Rather than giving a formula, the Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh) give us guidelines on how to tackle the personal, social, spiritual, cultural, political, and occupational challenges in our lives.

    Inspiring Social Change

    It all begins with one’s connection to Allah. That connection, revisited five times a day with daily prayer, is the foundation for the right spiritual orientation that serves as the basis for balancing every other aspect of one’s life. An important result of the right spiritual orientation, related to the social, political, and cultural aspects of life, is social activism. When faith becomes fully absorbed and embraced, it not only becomes a means of change in the individual, but a means to change the society he/she lives in as well.

    I recently read and was inspired by the biography of Badsha Khan (1890 – 1988), the Pathan social worker and activist who founded the non-violent volunteer social group Khudai Khidmatgar (Servants of God) and established schools/literary centers throughout the forsaken Northern Indian Frontier. This was key to changing the cultural stagnation of his people and bringing about India’s independence from British colonialism. Even Gandhi was a fan and joined forces with him, calling him an “unquestionable man of God.” Badsha Khan was indeed a man of faith, and that faith became a catalyst for change in him, and then for the society around him.

    A key to finding balance in your life with your career is just finding what makes you happy, and being excellent at that

    When Pope Francis visited America last year and gave his historic speech to congress, he mentioned Dorothy Day amongst his four most notable figures in American history that were so vital for making this country great. Dorothy Day (1897-1980) was a convert to Catholicism, a journalist and social activist who started the Catholic Worker Movement. This became the foundation for the many hundreds of soup kitchens and other Catholic charities we see around the country today. During her time, anti-Catholic sentiment was very high. But with the establishment of many Catholic orphanages, schools, and hospitals, all building blocks of positive social change, the Catholic religion became “normalized,” woven into the fabric of American culture.

    The social activism of people like Badsha Khan and Dorothy Day is very inspiring, and is exactly the kind of contributions that young Muslims of America can offer today. No one is more equipped with creativity, energy, intelligence, and American authenticity to “normalize” Islam and combat the current trends of Islamophobia, than the Muslim youth of America today. At the same time, their social activism can also serve to make the country a better place for all Americans. Not everyone needs to be a Badsha Khan or Dorothy Day, but part of finding the balance in one’s faith is using it not just as a means of self-improvement, but improvement and bettering of the society you live in as well. The Prophet (pbuh) said, “the best people are those who are the most beneficial to others.”

    Identity: ‘O My People’

    The reason that the likes of people like Badsha Khan and Dorothy Day were so successful is that they were able to see their fellow Indians and Americans, respectively, as “their people.” This is the prophetic spirit that serves as a most essential aspect of embracing an identity that is conducive for social change, and balancing between one’s Muslim and American roots. I say it is the prophetic spirit because all throughout the Quran, the prophets (peace be upon them) addressed their people as “O my people” (ya qawmy). That is a term of endearment, and a term that suggests belonging to, and identification with, the very people they were addressing. This despite the fact that the people they were addressing were mostly pagan or polytheist. Thus, it is possible to belong to a people, feel deep concern for their welfare, and have feelings of affection for them even if they don’t share your religion. They may not be your ummah (religious community), but they are a part of your qawm (people).

    Faith should not just inspire how to interact with and change the larger society you live in, but how you see yourself and your place in that larger society as well

    A question then arises. How many of our Muslim youth can look at their neighbor, be he/she ethnically, demographically, racially and/or religiously different, and truly, honestly feel in their hearts that they are “my people.” Perhaps a more important question follows: how can we be a catalyst of social change and benefit for them if we don’t feel that belonging, identification, and affection? And how can we have a balanced approach to a Muslim-American identity if we don’t embrace that? Faith should not just inspire how to interact with and change the larger society you live in, but how you see yourself and your place in that larger society as well.

    Political Involvement

    Political awareness and engagement on local, state, and national levels are essential to giving Muslims the voice they need to achieve relevance and consideration of our interests on the national level. Interestingly, the Prophet (pbuh) stated that using one’s voice to instigate change for the better is a religious obligation. He said, “When one sees a wrong, let him change it by his hand, and if he cannot, then by his tongue…” The tongue is what produces voice. Tasweet in the Arabic language means to produce a voice, but it also means to vote.

    Many Muslims may not see political involvement as a necessary part of faith — and it isn’t. But producing change with one’s “voice” is, and there is no greater or more effective way of doing that than voting. Especially now, when the country’s soul is essentially up for grabs in this historic election. Young Muslims have many opportunities for more political involvement, whether it be on the local or national level. Organizations such as MPAC and CAIR are good places to start. Regardless of the approach, having a strong political awareness and voice is a key component to a faith-driven balanced life for the American Muslim.

    Aim High and Pursue Your Passion

    I once gave a talk about career choices and was approached by a well-intentioned “uncle” afterwards. He told me that this idea of pursuing one’s passion as a life career choice was ridiculous, and that I did not understand the “rule of fours.” I asked him what that was, and he told me in his culture you are either a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or failure. Yup – that’s it — four options. Unfortunately, this kind of sentiment is all too pervasive in the Muslim community. If everyone is a doctor, lawyer, or engineer, not only would that create imbalance in our communities, but psychologically it would create imbalance in anyone who is not naturally passionate about those fields. A key to finding balance in your life with your career is just finding what makes you happy, and being excellent at that. Muhammad Ali was not a doctor, lawyer, or engineer, but he became an honorable and beloved man by being true to himself and sincere in his faith; and he pursued his passion until he became great at it. American Muslims need to follow that example, and aim high in their careers. The Prophet (pbuh) said at the end of a longer hadith, “…If you ask of Allah, ask Him for Firdaus [the highest place in Paradise]” (Sunan Ibn Majah). We can infer from this that we are meant to aim high in all our endeavors. In fact, of the three dimensions of faith — Islam, eman, ihsan — ihsan is the pinnacle. The basic meaning of “ihsan” is excellence, the pursuit of perfection; and we are instructed, as Muslims, to strive for excellence in all aspects of our lives, in our intentions, words, and actions. Thus, it is the sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh) to aim high in one’s career, whatever that career choice is — not limiting oneself to a few possible professions.

    Allah said that the parable of a good word (meaning any utterance or idea that is true and good and beneficial) is like a good tree, “…its roots firmly fixed, and it’s branches [reaching out] toward the sky…” (Quran 14:24). One beautiful commentary about the “branches [reaching out] toward the sky” states that Allah said that to show that for the person of faith, there is no end to their potential. Such should be the psychology of the young American Muslim, with whatever career path they choose in life. I’m reminded of the hadith where the Prophet (pbuh) put his hand on the shoulder of Salman Al-Farsi and said “If this faith were to reach the constellation of Pleiades (tharya), it would be someone from this person’s type that would reach it” (Bukhari). What better way of showing that the real sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh) is to really “reach for the stars.” The only real way to find balance in one’s life with their career is to follow the Prophet’s sunnah and aim high. The only way to really do this is truly to pursue your passion.

    Making Time for Family, Friends, and Fun

    We are social creatures, and without a constant dose of healthy social engagement, our lives will not be balanced. This is a prophetically recognized need. When Ibrahim (pbuh) left his family in the barren land of Becca (now called Mecca) he made dua for them, asking Allah to “incline people’s hearts towards them” (Quran 14:37). That is essentially the foundation for a social network.

    Having a strong network of friends and family in one’s life is not just an important part of a balanced life, but a healthy part of life in general. In fact, it’s likely a part of why some communities in the world tend to live longer than others. That is what Dan Buettner shows in his bestseller book, “Blue Zones,” that looks at places in the world where people live the longest — Sardinia, Italy; Okinawa, Japan; Nicoya, Costa Rica; and a community of Seventh-day Adventists in Loma Linda, California). Amongst other factors, all had strong social networks, with large and frequent family and friend get-togethers. Having family and friends in our lives is one of the most important components of a balanced life, as they see us from an angle we don’t see ourselves, and have our best interest in mind with their advice, support, and constructive criticism.

    And in the midst of it all, don’t forget to have some time to yourself and just have fun! We know about sleep debt, but few people know that we can also have a “play debt,” as detailed by Dr. Stuart Brown in his bestseller book “Play.” Whether it be sports, games, or simple playfulness, don’t forget to include some play in your life. Even the Prophet (pbuh) would take time to race with Aisha (R). Having a faith-driven balanced life means having fun too.

    In conclusion, being a young American Muslim means navigating social, political, cultural, and personal challenges. These challenges apply in many ways to every person, but also in other ways are unique to each individual. The Quran and teachings of the Prophet (pbuh) provide timeless advice for navigating those challenges, and balancing one’s life in healthy, happy, and successful ways.

  • Detecting Early Signs of Risk in Our Youth

    Detecting Early Signs of Risk in Our Youth

    Young children and teens today are bombarded from all around them via fellow peers, enticing ads, music, movies, and more, all calling them to engage in harmful behaviors. They are told to do whatever will make them “happy” or “fulfilled,” messages that turn them away from modesty, decency, common sense, and wisdom. It is essential that we, as community leaders, parents, educators, and medical and mental health professionals be aware of the constant struggle that is faced by today’s youth. We must not dismiss or deny signs of risky behavior, or believe that our youth are immune to such things as alcohol or drug use, or becoming sexually active.

    My question to the parents is always “What prevented you from seeking help when you started noticing a change in your child’s behavior?”

    We must also learn to recognize the warning signs and take action right away before things progressively become worse. In order to understand the struggle, we must first take a look at what could lead to psychological, spiritual, and/or social decline in our youth and what we can do to prevent that. Although these three categories are intertwined and influence one another, we will look at them separately to more deeply understand the impact of each.

    Psychological

    In her recent article, 12 Warning Signs Your Child May Have a Mental Health Issue, Dr. Susan Newman discusses “parent radar,” an essential tool all parents have that can help them discern if there is a psychological issue to be dealt with. The parent radar is the innate sense that something is not right with your child even though others may be telling you that it is a phase or a stage and the child will grow out of it. It is the feeling deep down that the mood swings, aggressive behavior, or overeating are not just part of growing up and learning how to cope with and navigate the complexities of life, but are a result of a deeper issue the child is dealing with. Trusting that feeling is essential because ignoring it could lead to dire consequences. When there is a feeling that something is just not right, it is time to seek help to rule out any mental health issues the child may be struggling with. Ignoring the feeling and hoping the issue will go away is where many parents go wrong. The issue will only increase in intensity and will become that much more difficult to resolve.

    I often have parents come into my office with a child who is being disruptive or disrespectful to the parent, a child who is failing in school, a girl who is being aggressive with her siblings, or a boy who has become withdrawn and non-communicative with family members. When I ask how long this has been going on, they typically answer: a few months, over a year, or sometimes a few years. My question to the parents is always “What prevented you from seeking help when you started noticing a change in your child’s behavior?” The answer is not always the same, but most often it is: “We didn’t think it was a big deal” or “We thought it would go away on its own.”

    It is essential to reach out for help when any warning signs present themselves. Ann Douglas, author of Parenting Through the Storm: Find Help, Hope, and Strength When Your Child Has Psychological Problems, discusses the warning signs to look out for. A few of these are frequent mood swings; display of intense emotions such as angry outbursts or extreme fear; difficulty sleeping or having nightmares; a lot of physical complaints. These are just a few of the many warning signs in children that may indicate that a psychological component is playing a part. It is important to be aware of the fact that any significant, extreme, or negative change in your child’s normal mood or behavior should be looked into. As parents, we must keep the communication open with our children, preteens, and teens so that we are able to discuss honestly and directly with them any concerns we may have with regard to their behavior. When children feel comfortable talking to their parents, they are more likely to turn to them for help.

    Spiritual

    Too often parents clash with their children or teens over religion, urging them to pray salah and read Quran, and wondering where they went wrong when their child refuses to comply or follow through. There is a common fear among Muslim parents that their children will go astray and completely denounce the deen or not wish to live a life of obedience to Allah’s commands. Parents spend many nights on the prayer rug earnestly seeking Allah’s help in guiding their children. Prayers are a huge step in the right direction, but so is patient, loving communication and interaction with our children. From a very young age, the parent is the role model when it comes to religion. They must be authoritative (not authoritarian), yet kind and fair. If religion is associated with any misbehavior or less than mature words and actions on the part of the parent(s), the child is likely going to feel alienated from Islam. Educating your child about the deen, demonstrating on a daily basis its values and principles, and imbuing it with meaning and purpose and joy through your love and encouragement – all this is essential, especially in the teen years.

    Warning signs of spiritual decline include a lack of interest in going to the masjid, in reading the Quran, or in praying. These may seem obvious but what may not be as clear is the feeling underneath the lack of interest. What is occurring inside the child/teen that is leading to this distance from deen? This must be unearthed in order for the spiritual decline to be understood and addressed. I have often seen in my practice teens who have lost hope in Allah because of prayers being unanswered, or others who have committed sins that they do not believe they could be forgiven. Trust, hope, and belief in Allah’s mercy are essential discussions to engage youth in so that they can relate these valuable principles to their own situations. Again, communication is always key. A connection to your teen and awareness of what he/she is going through is necessary in order to be a mentor, a compelling influence, and a source of guidance and comfort to him or her.

    Social

    The social life of preteens and teens is so important to them. This stage of life is when they are discovering themselves and, therefore, depend very highly on their peers. We know it well that Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has said: “Man is influenced by the faith of his friends. Therefore, be careful of whom you associate with.” This statement must be focused on in this stage of a person’s life because the early teen years are when strong friendships are being developed. As parents, we must be aware of the people who are spending time with our youth, and the influence they may have on them, for good or ill. If our children are showing any signs of disinterest in being around family, mistreating others, becoming non-communicative, isolating themselves, etc., we must take note and remedy the situation before it worsens.

    Perhaps greater than the influence of friends is the influence of the Internet. Social media has grown so exponentially that many parents are unable to keep up with the different apps and social media outlets that the youth connect to and engage in on a daily basis, often multiple times a day. Inappropriate words, pictures, and videos can be shared in an instant, and access to them has become easier than ever before. Dr. Carolyn C. Ross, in her article, Overexposed and Under-Prepared: The Effects of Early Exposure to Sexual Content, notes the danger:

    Research has long established that teens who watch movies or listen to music that glamorizes drinking, drug use or violence tend to engage in those behaviors themselves. A 2012 study shows that movies influence teens’ sexual attitudes and behaviors as well. The study, published in Psychological Science, found that the more teens were exposed to sexual content in movies, the earlier they started having sex and the likelier they were to have casual, unprotected sex.

    It is simple common sense that there are detrimental effects on children from exposure to sexual and violent content. We as parents must strive to minimize such exposure via phones, tablets, and computers. Limits must be placed on when and where the device is used and for how long. There are numerous parental controls that are available on devices so that parents can control what their children are being exposed to. Some warning signs to look out for include: a decrease in time spent with family, an increase in time spent on devices, a decrease in communication/interaction with others, and any negative attitude or behavior change. Constant monitoring and open discussions with teens about sex, alcohol/drugs, and violence can prevent exposure and the more feared result, addiction. Children as young as nine years old are being exposed to pornography, and we simply cannot ignore this issue any longer; we must openly discuss in our homes and in our Islamic centers the danger to our children.

    Prevention is Key

    Unfortunately, parents so often seek professional help only when a situation with their child has reached crisis proportions. We as a community need to encourage one another to ask for help, to seek counseling, and to attend workshops so that we can work to prevent psychological, spiritual, and social problems in our youth. We must be proactive in creating resources within the community to protect the youth from harmful influences. The greatest need for children is connection and a sense of belonging. When they feel a lack of connection to their parents and to their community, that is when the need for something else comes into the picture. These feelings of loneliness and isolation drive teens to turn to drugs and sex, and also make them susceptible to depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions.

    Communication is essential among families, friends, and community members so that we can assist one another when a warning sign presents itself. Counseling should never be a last resort but, instead, must be a resource that we encourage one another to utilize in times of chronic or acute stress, or any alarming concern. This can prevent even larger problems from taking hold of our families and communities. It is time we moved forward, from burying our heads in the sand to facing the problems head and heart on.

  • Seeking His Shade: Growing up in the Worship of God

    Seeking His Shade: Growing up in the Worship of God

    Have you ever heard the saying — Youth is wasted on the young? Those of us who can still lay claim to being young often have no real sense of the value of our youth. We’re strong in body, passionate in emotion, and have ample free time that makes older folks envious. There are young people who use their youthful years wisely, and others who fritter it away as though it holds no worth, thinking, “I’ll change sooner or later but I’ve got time to do whatever I want now.”

    Youth is a time of exploration. Older youth don’t yet have the family, financial, and civic responsibilities of an adult; but they have time, energy, health, and exuberant curiosity to explore, develop skills, and grow in knowledge

    Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, “Take benefit of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your sickness, your wealth before your poverty, your free time before you are preoccupied, and your life before your death.” Youth is mentioned as one of the categories here because it involves the part of your life where you are at your peak health. It’s the time when you’re in a position to lay a foundation for the rest of your life, to institute habits of discipline, to practice virtues, to learn how to think and reason and use common sense. This is the time when you’re able to begin an exciting journey of discovery, of contribution and service, of beneficial impact on your community and the world.

    In the era of the Prophet (pbuh), youth was not seen as a barrier to accomplishing things. There were military leaders who were teenagers. There were Quranic scribes who, in our times, would be considered too young to take on such an important task. There were scholars who were raised in the presence of the Prophet, listening to his words and absorbing his wisdom at tender ages. For these individuals, their youth was an asset, never a limitation. We’re often (mistakenly) taught that as young people we do not have the skills, patience, or dedication to contribute in a substantive way to our communities and to the larger ummah. But as we’ve mentioned, throughout Islamic history many young people achieved great things.

    The very act of having good people in your life can make or break your status with God. Your peers affect you in ways that you may not comprehend at first glance.

    Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, “There are seven whom Allah will shade in His Shade on the Day when there is no shade except His Shade.” Among the seven he mentioned is a young person who grows up in the worship of Allah. How can we ensure that Allah (SWT) grants us this status on the Day of Judgment? And how can we capitalize on our time to make sure we’ve fulfilled our greatest potential during the dynamic and bountiful years of our youth?

    Surround Yourself with Good Friends

    I couldn’t be more grateful to my parents who strove to put me in the presence of intelligent and well-mannered people, including my peers. They always knew where I was and with whom. They knew my friends’ parents, and the kinds of people they were. I’ll openly admit that as a child, this was often irritating to me. I didn’t want to have to answer a million questions about who my friends were or where we were going and for how long. I wanted my “freedom.” Now, as an adult and as a parent, I have come to sincerely appreciate the effort that my parents exerted so that I would be in the company of good, trusted people. The very act of having good people in your life can make or break your status with God. Your peers affect you in ways that you may not comprehend at first glance.

    For example, in Surat al-Kahf, Allah (SWT) mentions the story of a group of young men who escaped their town and secluded themselves in a cave because they were the only ones who believed in one God. Allah (SWT) caused them to sleep for 309 years. As part of the story, Allah (SWT) describes the group, saying: “They will say there were three, the fourth of them being their dog; and they will say there were five, the sixth of them being their dog – guessing at the unseen; and they will say there were seven, and the eighth of them was their dog. Say, [O Muhammad], ‘My Lord is most knowing of their number. None knows them except a few. So do not argue about them except with an obvious argument and do not inquire about them [among the speculators] from anyone’” (18:22). It may seem like the dog is mostly irrelevant in the story, but the fact that Allah (SWT) mentions him several times is no coincidence. Scholars of tafseer have explained that the reason the dog is mentioned so often is that it was in the company of these righteous young people. Being in the company of these believers was enough for the dog to be honored to the level of being mentioned three separate times in this Quranic verse. This is the blessing of righteous companionship!

    Not only do we need to surround ourselves with good people, we also need to ensure that we become the sellers of musk. Every person who sits with us should leave with something beautiful.

    Similarly, in a beautiful hadith Qudsi, Allah (SWT) explains that the angels search for groups of people who are remembering Allah, and they surround them with their wings. At the end of the hadith, Allah (SWT) says: “Bear witness that I have forgiven them.” Then one of the angels would ask, “Among those assembled, there is one who is not of them [i.e., a sinner]; he only came for some other need.” Allah would reply: “Even so, they are one another’s companions and their companions shall not suffer.” Just our presence with the people who remember Allah can be a means for us to be forgiven!

    Having righteous companionship can affect our status with Allah (SWT). Good people remind us of our blessings and remind us to be grateful for them. Good people can lift us up in times of distress so that we don’t get lost in our pain. Good people help our hearts stay open and receptive to Allah’s message and guidance. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), said, “The likeness of a righteous friend and an evil friend is the likeness of a perfume seller and a blacksmith. As for the perfume seller, he may either bestow something on you or you may purchase something from him, or you may benefit from his sweet smell. And as for the blacksmith, he may either burn your clothes or you may be exposed to his awful smell.”

    Not only do we need to surround ourselves with good people, we also need to ensure that we become the sellers of musk. Every person who sits with us should leave with something beautiful.

    Read, Read, and Read Some More

    As a child, I would walk to the nearby library with my siblings and we would each take out at least ten books at a time. Once we got home, we would hole ourselves up in our rooms, devouring the books one by one. This was our entertainment before the advent of hand-held devices. Our mother would have to pry books out of our hands in order for us to eat or sleep at a decent time.

    Growing up this way made us into voracious readers. Although many of us have succumbed to the allure of hand-held devices, there is still no greater pleasure than holding a book and reading in silence. Reading opens the mind to frames of reference other than our own. It enriches our vocabularies so that we might become articulate speakers and writers. It lets us glimpse realities that we haven’t lived, and helps us develop understanding and empathy. “Read!” was the first word ever revealed to our beloved Prophet (pbuh). Years later, after a victorious battle in which the Muslims captured a number of their enemies, Prophet Muhammad advised that if any of them would teach ten children how to read and write, they would be freed. The ability to read and write was given such significant value that teaching it was considered enough of a ransom to warrant an enemy’s freedom. Allah (SWT) tells us in the first verses revealed: “Read! — in the Name of your Lord Who created, created man from a clinging substance. Read! — and your Lord is the Most Generous, Who taught by the pen, taught man that which he knew not” (96:1-5).

    In the Quran and the Prophetic traditions, there is great emphasis placed on reading, learning, and contemplating. Attaining to knowledge is given such a high status that even the Prophet himself would supplicate to Allah, saying “My Lord! Increase me in knowledge.” Reading is the gateway into the world of learning. It is the start of a life-long journey of reflection and exploration. The Quran advises, “Say, [O Muhammad], ‘Travel through the land and observe how He began creation. Then Allah will produce the final creation. Indeed, Allah is able to do all things’” (29:20).

    Reading isn’t just an intellectual exercise. It’s about expanding your mind to a point where you start to recognize and appreciate all the signs that Allah (SWT) has placed on this earth. So for a portion of each day, put aside social media, gaming, and TV and read! Read and strive to understand the Quran; read about the amazing scholars, writers, and inventors who came before us. Read about history, politics, economics, psychology, physics, linguistics, alternative energy sources, health and fitness… the list is endless. And the capacity to expand our minds and deepen our understanding is relatively endless as well.

    Grow Your Passions and Be Active

    Once you reach the age of puberty, you are held accountable for all that you do, and that thought can be daunting. But you also have the opportunity to do good and therefore cement your status as a “youth who grew up in the worship of God.” Youth is a time of exploration. Older youth don’t yet have the family, financial, and civic responsibilities of an adult; but they have time, energy, health, and exuberant curiosity to explore, develop skills, and grow in knowledge.

    Take courses outside of school, develop interesting hobbies, volunteer with your school’s MSA or other groups, work on neighbourhood projects or political campaigns that you believe in. You can even start a small business on your own or with a group of other like-minded peers. The opportunities are quite literally endless. But above all, remember that you are doing all of these things so that Allah will accept you as a youth who took advantage of his or her years before old age. And most of all, remember that you are doing all of these things as part of your worship, as a demonstration that your words and deeds flow from your eman; and your eman, in turn, is constantly growing and informing your daily living with a believer’s sense of meaningfulness and purpose. Ensure that this intention is present, and He will bless all that you do.

    Remember that Your Surroundings Don’t Define You

    I know how difficult it is to grow up in a place where others often belittle your identity, or look at you with suspicion. Perhaps you may feel that you’re at a disadvantage because you live somewhere remote, unable to learn at the feet of scholars, or you live in an environment not conducive to Islamic beliefs. But I remind myself constantly of the examples of the righteous people who came before me – some of whom had to live and preach in much more difficult circumstances. Prophet Musa (pbuh) was raised in the household of one of the worst oppressors and transgressors in history — Pharaoh himself. His adoptive mother Aasiya (may Allah be pleased with her) was in the same boat, but she had it even worse – she was married to Pharoah. And yet both of them rose above these toxic influences surrounding them – Musa (pbuh) became a prophet and messenger whose brilliant example is immortalized in the Quran. Aasiya became a martyr whose strength inspires us to this day, and whose dying words have become part and parcel of our beliefs: “My Lord, build for me near You a home in Paradise.”

    The opposite is also true. You can grow up in the best and most loving, supportive environments for a believer and still go astray. Take for example Prophet Nuh’s (pbuh) son. Regardless of the fact that his father was a prophet, Nuh’s son vehemently disbelieved in the truth. Even as the waves of the flood were getting higher and more violent, he refused to board his father’s ark and eventually perished. You are not defined solely by your surroundings. You are defined only by your own worship of God and your dedication to goodness in all facets of your life. Despite your flaws and sins (we all have them) – you’re so much stronger than you think.

    I pray that I and each person reading this meet under the Shade of Allah (SWT) because we used our youthful years to worship Him (SWT). Ameen.

     

  • Protecting Our Muslim Youth in a Gender-fluid and Hyper-sexual Society

    Protecting Our Muslim Youth in a Gender-fluid and Hyper-sexual Society

    When I was invited to write an article about preparing youth for marriage, I eagerly agreed. I was excited to tackle the topic, not because this has become my field of expertise as the subject of my doctoral research and the focus of a great deal of my work as a youth counselor, but because I saw an opportunity. I had an opportunity to address marriage preparation, one among a list of important topics focusing on the well-being of our youth, including mentoring, developing leadership, time management, and other skills for success, or finding balance in one’s life. However, rather than simply discussing the importance of premarital education and counseling, I decided to focus instead on the issue of moral decline as it relates to sexuality, an issue that is plaguing our youth and causing a detrimental ripple effect deep into the bedrock of young marriages. This article focuses on the hyper-sexuality and shifting views of gender identification that our youth are currently exposed to. We, as parents, educators, community leaders, and activists must come to understand these issues if we are going to protect our children and youth.

    At an increasingly younger and younger age, youth are exposed to very mature content for which they are completely unprepared to process in the context of family, faith, and personal well-being

    As Muslims, we don’t talk about sex. And we definitely don’t talk about sexuality or sexual orientation with our youth. The taboo topic that often results in tongue-tied parents and red-faced religious leaders is not discussed in a healthy way with youth who are already socially exposed to these concepts through a variety of mediums. In neglecting the discussion of these topics, we are left instead with a multitude of curious teens and young adults seeking to learn about sexuality from the many sources that do offer open dialogue: friends, books, magazines, school, television, and, of course, the Internet. While the information may be plentiful and easily accessible, without guidance, a teenager may be left to his or her own devices to make sense of a very grown-up topic. Yet, our faith clearly indicates that we must have conversations with our youth in preparing them for dealing with the real world, as the Prophet (peace be upon him) instructed that there should be no shyness in matters of religion when legitimately seeking knowledge.

    Social Influences

    Today, our youth are surrounded by books, movies, shows, and songs that glamorize intimacy removed from the sanctity of marriage. At an increasingly younger and younger age, youth are exposed to very mature content for which they are completely unprepared to process in the context of family, faith, and personal well-being. Songs by popular figures aim to normalize homosexuality and/or bisexuality, such as Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl,” in which Perry sings, “and I liked it.” Popular family shows such as “Modern Family” present same-sex parents Mitchell and Cameron.

    At the same time, books aimed at a young audience such as “See You at Harry’s” by Jo Knowles encourage exploration of teen and preteen sexual identification rooted in same-gender relationships. “Adult” books such as the infamous “Fifty Shades of Grey” by E.L. James completely subvert the idea of sexuality, presenting the content as romantic while filled with sexual and emotional abuse of women characters. Teenagers can covertly access this book despite warnings to stay away. Without a doubt, the impact of exposure to sexuality outside of marriage, and sexual lifestyle choices, is a corruption of the eyes, ears, and hearts, particularly in youth; and this is highly destructive to their developing worldview, sense of self and identity, and perceptions of marriage.

    With every open conversation we have with a teenager, there are ten more conversations that we need to have. Education, communication, patience, love, and prayer—lots and lots of prayer—form the cornerstone of open dialogue with our youth

    Every day, we see media icons such as Caitlyn Jenner (formerly known as Bruce Jenner) who are portrayed as heroes for choosing to “become” a gender they are more comfortable with, while the famed offspring of that same notorious family (Kim, Khloe, Kylie, and the other Kardashians) consistently flaunt their hyper-sexuality in the grossest form of shameless media exposure. Early teens and preteens are encouraged to explore not only what they will be when they grow up, but also what gender they select, as if it is a choice as easily negotiable as dying your hair or wearing colored contacts. Gender is currently viewed by pop culture as completely unbound by biology and genetics, resulting in the emergence of the cisgender identification (referring to the alignment of one’s gender identity with one’s biological sex assigned at birth) so as to normalize the transgendered choice.

    What can help our youth withstand the tide so as not to be swept away by the appeal to satisfy every fleeting desire? In a world that constantly preaches individualism and unbridled fulfillment of self, children are taught to feed the nafs al-ammara (base, lower self), to satisfy all worldly desires regardless of moral or religious reservations. This message of satisfying the self at all times and at all costs is a problematic contradiction for Muslims who believe in controlling desires of dunya as the ultimate form of submission to the will of Allah (SWT). But this message pales in comparison to the glitzy appeal of a world that advocates for the unfettered attainment of all desires. Consistently raising the bar on what will satisfy the nafs becomes a major factor in the lack of contentment pervading the marriage realm. When presented with a buffet of lifestyle choices, the singular distinction of monogamous marriage is seen as restrictive and confining. Marriage then becomes synonymous with monotony rather than being viewed as a path towards tranquility, stability, and, according to hadith, completing “half the deen.”

    Opportunities

    As Muslims in the West, we find ourselves working so hard on the constant defense of our faith from threats external to our communities that we sometimes lose sight of what threatens our youth internally. At one time, parents could easily warn their children about staying away from relationships with the opposite gender, which of course often occurred anyway but were considered scandalous when news inevitably reached the ears of the community. Yet, the parents of today have a whole other slew of sexual stances and definitions to warn their children about, things that they themselves may not fully understand. Trying to keep up with the constant barrage of LBTQ+ messages and identities from transsexual to pansexual to everything in between, is difficult for a generation that understands sexuality and gender identities as their parents and grandparents did, and their religion sanctions. Despite the religious rejection of these identities and actions, the exploration of such identities among our youth is growing at a terrifyingly rapid rate. The Internet provides an ever-changing menu for a variety of identifications, and our youth, decidedly more tech-savvy than us, are exposed to this confusing and harmful phenomenon.

    One may argue that the youth of the ‘60s, ‘70s, and ‘80s also grew up in a sexually permissive society and that the generation of that era turned out just fine. In those days, however, family values were still at the core of society and children were not indoctrinated to believe they had a choice in sexual orientation and gender identity. Traditional families and gender roles still held sway.

    As a Muslim community, we have yet to find the antidote for exposure to today’s sexual permissiveness, or the words to address it. We prefer to remain reticent on the topic of gender identification and homosexuality. Unlike the vocal faith groups who actively speak out against same gender relationships and the breakdown of the traditional family, we tend to tiptoe around the situation and prefer not to discuss something that we feel has nothing to do with our community. We try to avoid “planting the seed” in the minds of our youth without realizing that the seed has already been planted by others and that our reticence causes more confusion than clarification.

    Into the Future

    Protecting our youth in a gender-fluid and hyper-sexual society begins with talking to our own children. It begins by bringing down the barriers and allowing our youth the safe space needed to discuss with us openly what may be on their minds, what they are confused about, and what challenges they face as they attempt to navigate psychologically and emotionally through such turbulent times. Our work continues with identifying the factors that may influence our children and promoting a healthy consciousness of what a traditional faith-based relationship looks like. We must model purposeful, mature, and peaceful living in our own relationships. We are the stewards of the coming generation. With every open conversation we have with a teenager about the topics discussed in this article, there are ten more conversations that we need to have. Education, communication, patience, love, and prayer—lots and lots of prayer—form the cornerstone of open dialogue with our youth.

    What More Can We Do?

    After understanding the identity threats that impinge on our youth’s emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being, our natural response is “what more can we do?” The seemingly insurmountable mountain can be scaled by opening the lines of dialogue and discussion with our children. Here are some suggestions:

    • Begin discussion with your children from a young age about biological elements of the body. Don’t let their natural curiosity lead them down the path towards asking the wrong people or looking for information in the wrong places.
    • Refer often to the Quran. Teach your children the verses of Surat Ar-Rum regarding marriage and the creation of males and females as mates for one another, and other verses from the Quran that emphasize the beauty and sanctity of the marital relationship.
    • Keep hay’aa (modesty) as a central reference point in your home. Teach youth what modesty in action, in thoughts, in glances, and in interactions means, in addition to modesty in dress. Emphasize the importance of hay’aa for both girls and boys.
    • As your pre-teens and teens begin to enter the world of changing emotions and fluctuating hormones, be sure to discuss with them the difference between desire and action and how they can mitigate the emotions that they may not yet understand fully.
    • Help your children to recognize and fully appreciate the beauty of tawbah (repentance) and the love that Allah (SWT) has for those who sincerely repent; also talk about His love for those who are tested with desires but guard against sin because of their love for pleasing Him (SWT).
    • Use the words of the Quran regarding our prophets to exemplify guiding principles that can help protect our youth. For example, reference the story of Prophet Yusuf (pbuh) and how he was pulled by a woman’s desire, and he preferred to be put in prison than to be placed in that position. Explain to them also the situation of Prophet Lut (pbuh) and how he stood against those who acted in a way that was not pleasing to Allah (SWT) in trying to satisfy their lustful desires.
    • Finally, make a great deal of dua for the protection of your children and all the children of the ummah. Let your children see and hear you making dua often, and talk to them about the power of dua. Let them know that your dua is sincere and heartfelt, coming from a place of love for Allah (SWT) and for them.

    Finally, if you find it difficult to have these conversations with your children or teens, find a trusted mentor, an older sibling, or a youth group leader who can help guide your child in the right direction. May Allah (SWT) guide us all and guide all our children to the straight path. May He protect our coming generations from the fitnahs that we see today and the ones that we may not yet see.

     

  • The Five Necessities

    The Five Necessities

    The conversation never gets old. Two parents are standing at the edge of the Masjid, on the verge of losing their kids to the crowd. It appears that the influence of their peers and the challenges of being young are getting the best of them. One concerned parent says emphatically to the other, “We need to do something for the youth!” A few cities over, the same realization is echoing at the weekly board meeting of your neighborhood Islamic Center and resounding from the pulpits of Muslim communities across the nation. If you’ve been involved in activism long enough you might have heard these words a thousand times.

    How do we instill this conviction in Muslim youth? One of the most effective ways is to put them through specialized dawah training. Why? Because many of them have the very same questions and doubts

    Nonetheless, there is an increasing awareness within our communities of a need that has been both present and pressing for a very long time. Where we have been delayed and left lingering for too long, however, is not in recognizing the need; rather it is in bringing forth and implementing practical solutions and methods to facilitate the fulfillment of that need. In other words, we have yet to cover the distance between “the what” and “the how.” We have yet to bridge the gap between the principle and the practical. We know we need to strengthen our Muslim youth but we don’t always know how. We know we need to cultivate in them the love of Allah and His Messenger, but again, we don’t always know how. We know we need to keep them engaged and active at the Masjid but we don’t always know how. This is where the old conversation usually comes to an end, and this is where the new conversation has to begin…

    There is a very beautiful and profound chapter of The Quran that is simple and short enough for a three-year-old child to memorize and to understand. In this chapter, Allah lays out a roadmap to success that is relevant to all of humanity and especially practical for Muslim youth. From it we can derive five basic necessities that, by Allah’s permission, will not only help our youth prosper in their religious affairs (deen) but will also help them prosper in their worldly affairs (dunya). The chapter that I am referring to is none other than Al-Asr (The Time), and the five necessities, that it so eloquently captures, are as follows: time management, conviction, righteous activity, inclusive engagement, and positive reinforcement.

    Time Management

    Allah says “By time, mankind is in a state of loss…” (103:1-2). One of the greatest challenges for our Muslim youth in the pursuit of their fullest potential is the fact that they have too much free, unaccounted for and unmonitored time, and not enough positive alternatives with which to fill that time. Many of them, in fact, are being left to their own devices and their own discretion without proper intervention or regulation, and as a result their true potential is being wasted. Yes, many of them may be doing well or excelling in school; but at the same time they are spending valuable hours on video games and social media, on the phone, watching 3-hour movies, and excessively engaging in fruitless activities. All the while, they are falling behind in their Islamic development.

    Mentorship is important for the success of youth because it creates a source for advice and support that is separate from the sensitivities that are present with family and friends

    Without a doubt there is great benefit in relaxation and entertainment, but when it begins to consume the lives of young people, then it becomes detrimental. What if we could cut the time that they spend engaging in entertainment and social media in half or even reserve a third of that time for beneficial endeavors? Now, instead of simply excelling in school, they could be over-excelling in school or taking on an extra-curricular that may contribute to their future success. In fact, with the amount of time that the average young person spends on the internet alone, they could be learning a trade or gaining a level of accreditation in one of the sciences of Islam. Time management is so vital and so necessary for our success that Allah uses the remainder of this chapter (Al-Asr) to lay out for us a specific regiment for the usage of our time.

    Conviction

    After informing us that all human beings are in a state of loss, Allah makes an exception by saying “…except for those who have faith…” (103:3). The second and the most important necessity that should occupy the time of our Muslim youth in order to prevent their potential from being lost is the development and preservation of their conviction in Allah. Why? Because without true faith and certainty in Allah, their taqwa (their mindfulness of Allah which leads to virtue and prevents sin) cannot be fully developed. Moreover, as long as they have doubts about Islam they run the risk of not only falling into sin but of losing their identity all together. On the other hand, if they do develop the necessary level of certainty and mindfulness of Allah, then they will begin to take account of themselves and make their own initiative to maintain their Islam. The real question, however, is how do we instill this conviction in Muslim youth?

    One of the most effective and practical ways to nurture conviction in the hearts of Muslim youth, especially teenagers, is to put them through specialized dawah training. Why? Because many of them have the very same questions and doubts that a non-Muslim would have. Many of them don’t know why they believe what they believe, and a part of the reason why is because they have not been introduced to Allah’s proofs in a way that captivates their minds and keeps them engaged. In fact, many young Muslims have never even been asked the question “Why are you, personally, a Muslim?” And the very inability to answer this question is a sign that their conviction may be deficient or unfounded, and their Islam may simply be cultural, a lifestyle that was passed on to them from their parents. Such a possibility should never be left unresolved. Also, dawah training, if done properly, should accomplish three things. It should stimulate faith and build certainty, connect hearts to the Quran, and provide individuals with the language and the skill to articulate and defend their Islamic identity in a time when Islam is at the center of the world stage.

    Righteous Activity

    After conviction, Allah mentions righteous activity which is the third necessity for success. Allah says “… those who do righteous deeds” (103:3). Oftentimes when we think of righteous activity, we limit it to praying, fasting, giving charity, and basic acts of kindness. However, righteous activity is that which is essentially beneficial and is a very broad category that can even include such things as physical fitness and social events if they are facilitated in the proper way with the correct intention. Righteous activity also includes those activities that will prevent you from falling into disobedience as well as those activities that facilitate good deeds. A good example of this type of righteous activity is participating in sports. Not only does sports prevent many young people from wasting time and engaging in other harmful things, but also through sports certain qualities and life skills are practiced and developed such as sportsmanship, teamwork, sacrifice, effective communication, tolerance, strategic planning, and even self-confidence. Moreover, if these activities are being facilitated by Muslims, then prayer and beneficial reminders can actually be incorporated as well.

    Now, I know that not every young Muslim likes sports. That’s fine. There are plenty of other activities that can benefit them and keep them engaged. Be creative! Ask them what their interests are and develop your programming around them. Take their favorite game shows like Jeopardy and Family Feud and create Islamic versions. Try to put them together in teams as much as possible and create incentives and merit systems to reward those who put forth their best efforts. Facilitate writing workshops that reinforce the importance of creativity and written expression in Islam, and encourage them, for example to write poems about the prophets or short pieces about what Islam means to them. Make sure that study circles for the youth seem less like lectures and more like conversations that involve both the speaker and the listener. Ask them if they know before you tell them the answer and they will be much more attentive. Lastly, one of the most transformative righteous activities that Muslim youth can participate in is feeding and helping those in need. This has a very profound impact on young people, especially those who have lived a relatively privileged life, without deprivation in food, shelter, or other basic necessities.

    Inclusive Engagement

    As for the fourth necessity on the roadmap to success, Allah says “…and those who participate in and encourage truth…” (103:3). If we want to see Muslim youth attached to the Masjid and taking up the cause of Islam on their own initiative, then participation is paramount. They have to feel like the Masjid is their Masjid. They have to feel like they are a part of the process. Even if they are given a donation basket to hold on Friday or a stack of flyers to hand out to the congregation as they leave, that seemingly small act of inclusion may change their entire perspective of the Masjid and their relationship with it as well. Through participation we not only can instill a sense of ownership in them, but we can also begin to cultivate leadership, and transition the youth into active, even proactive, members of the community!

    If you want to take it a step further, then don’t just let them hand out food to the needy on the day of distribution; let them manage the entire process themselves. Let them make phone calls from the office phone in the Masjid. Let them collect donations from community members. Let them plan the coat drive. Let them organize and host their own events under the guidance of the administration. Let them decide where they want to go for their quarterly youth trip. These things may seem insignificant but they can go a long way in the life of a young Muslim. Lastly, offer tutoring in English and math and SAT preparation classes at your community center because this will send the signal that you are concerned about the overall success and well-being of the Muslim youth. It also is a strategic way to bring them together in the House of Allah with other young Muslims.

    Positive Reinforcement

    As for the fifth necessity for success, Allah says “…and those who observe and encourage patience and perseverance” (103:3). Strengthening Muslim youth is all about positive reinforcement which should ultimately manifest into a comprehensive support system that includes family, friends, and mentors. This creates an environment wherein Muslim youth are constantly being invited and encouraged to do good. One of the most vital components to this support system is the youth group because youth are more influenced by their peers than anyone else, and are more inclined to come to the Masjid and participate in programs when they know that other youth will be present. What can enhance the positive youth-to-youth impact is the collaboration with other youth groups. This provides an extended sense of belonging, and sends the signal that other people like them are enjoying themselves doing similar things.

    Mentorship is perhaps just as important for the success of our youth because it creates a source for advice and support that is separate from the sensitivities and incentives that are present with family and friends. Youth need a safe-zone where they can express their insecurities and their personal struggles without feeling that they are being judged or condemned. They have real challenges that are not simply overcome just by knowing right from wrong; and the Imam might not be the person that they feel comfortable disclosing themselves to. This is where the mentor becomes very important. Some ideal candidates for mentors are university students, young professionals, and athletes – all of whom should be well-grounded and well-balanced in their Islamic identity.

    Lastly, everything crumbles without positive parental reinforcement in the homes. In fact, without it, the positive effects of involvement with high-minded Muslims peers and the guidance and support of mentors are undone. Parents cannot think that just because they send their children to the Masjid or even to Islamic school that their responsibility has been fulfilled. Rather, they have to know that they are the single most important pillar in the lives of their children because of the level of authority and proximity that Allah has given them. Ultimately, the five necessities cannot be properly implemented, monitored, and measured, without the involvement of the home.

    To conclude, we should know that Muslim youth are just youth who are Muslim. Their challenges and their interests are very much the same as other youth. However, the only thing that sets Muslim youth apart, and will allow them to prosper through the challenges, is the clear guidance sent by Allah!

  • Muslim Youth: Developing Leaders for Today and Tomorrow

    Muslim Youth: Developing Leaders for Today and Tomorrow

    “The youth of today are the leaders of tomorrow.” This concept has been drilled into our heads. Both in Islamic contexts and elsewhere, we hear about youth potential and how one day they will be leaders of society. While experience and maturity is important, the role of Muslim youth is not to sit back and wait for the future to arrive. Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, told all Muslims that when we see something wrong, we should first change it with our hands. If we cannot change it with our hands, then change it with our tongues, by speaking up, and if we cannot do that, then at the very least we must recognize that evil and in our hearts, support changing the situation.

    Young Muslims presents and stresses core concepts of Islamic character and leadership, helping youth deepen their understanding of Islam and implement virtuous traits crucial to their success

    Muslim youth in America face challenges that can stifle their potential. One of the biggest challenges is the lack of necessary Islamic knowledge. Oftentimes Muslim youth in America are taught only the basics of their faith and sometimes not even that. They typically learn how to read and write Arabic without learning the meaning. It is no mystery why many young Muslims are not confident in their faith. Many do not understand Arabic enough to understand the Quran for themselves. Their own holy book can seem strange and foreign. If they want to truly understand their faith, they must go out of their way to seek Islamic knowledge.

    Another hurdle for Muslim youth in America is the lack of support in Muslim communities. Mosques sometimes feel to young people like a place of judgment and close-minded attitudes. Mosques are meant to be community centers where anyone can find help and support. Sadly, youth find that the issues they deal with are considered by adults to be too taboo or uncomfortable to discuss amongst Muslims. Youth end up turning to other sources for guidance, whether peers, social media gurus, or non-Muslim teachers or advisers. Their advice, while often well-intended, may contradict Islamic principles. Who can blame youth for taking that advice when Muslim mentors aren’t available to give them credible information and guidance suitable for young Muslims?

    Muslim youth are also constantly surrounded by vulgarity in pop culture. Every day they are exposed to music, movies, TV shows, and media filled with obscene messages. Living in a culture where modesty is rejected and “doing whatever you want” is celebrated can drain anyone, especially young people who are still building identities and figuring out their boundaries. Young Muslims in America are in a constant struggle between being accepted by society and firmly adhering to their faith. It is easier to follow the crowd and gain acceptance than to reject societal norms and risk being an outcast.

    Despite the challenges, Muslim American youth are part of history in the making. Being a Muslim in America today means you are contributing to the ever-changing portrait of Islam in America. Whether through standing up and driving change, or staying silent and allowing politicians, journalists, or even Islamophobes to speak for them, Muslim youth affect the image of Islam in America every day. The passion and energy of youth is an incredible asset. Young people can accomplish amazing feats in life when their efforts are channeled correctly. Some of the most esteemed companions of the Prophet (pbuh) gained respect and leadership positions at a young age. They used their passion and youth to help their communities grow and prosper. Their age did not limit them, instead their youth helped them further contribute to society. In order for Muslim youth to succeed as they have in the past, they must be given the proper tools.

    Safe spaces are crucial for developing dynamic youth. Muslim youth need to be in an environment where good deeds and good character are celebrated, somewhere they can to turn to receive wholesome Islamic advice without being looked down upon for their flaws. Being around people who encourage good deeds and discourage bad is a positive form of peer pressure that builds confidence and strength of character. Communities can implement this by encouraging youth to participate in community affairs, providing space to grow and learn from fellow community members while contributing to discussions and activism with their unique perspectives.

    Young Muslims, a division of ICNA, connects Muslim youth throughout America. This grassroots organization provides the tools youth need to grow and develop. YM presents and stresses core concepts of Islamic character and leadership, helping youth deepen their understanding of Islam and implement virtuous traits crucial to their success. Through weekly meetings, YM gives youth the opportunity to explore their faith and build bonds of companionship that last a lifetime. Organizations like YM give Muslim youth the tools they need to become the leaders of today and tomorrow.

  • Want Your Child to Grow in Confidence, Maturity, and Responsibility?

    Want Your Child to Grow in Confidence, Maturity, and Responsibility?

    Want Your Child to Grow in Confidence, Maturity, and Responsibility?

    Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said: “Make [things] easy, not difficult…” (Bukhari). He (pbuh) also said, “Woe to those who exaggerate [who are too strict]!”(Bukhari). He (pbuh) also said: “Moderation, moderation! For only with moderation will you succeed” (Muslim).

    Authoritarian Parenting
    • Parents’ role comes across to the children as despotic (absolute and dictatorial power over the child)
    • Strict rules and expectations which tend to be rigid and inflexible
    • Children are expected to be unconditionally obedient and unquestioning of parental demands
    • Parents feel it is their right to be respected by the child regardless of their own behavior; little or no consideration is given to the right of the child to be respected by the parent
    • High expectations are placed on children regarding their performance academically and in reaching any other goals set in place by parents
    • Little warmth or nurturing is expressed by the parents
    • Punishments are meted out with little or no explanation; with the aim of making the child “pay” for his/her mistake or non-compliance; punishments can be harsh, unrelated to the infraction, and inconsistent
    • Children are not given choices or options; complete control is exercised over the child
    Permissive Parenting
    • Parents often seem more like a friend than a parent
    • Few rules or standards of behavior are put in place and when there are rules, they are often very inconsistent
    • Bribery with toys, gifts, and food are used as a means to get child to behave
    • Abundant love and nurturing of the children is expressed without the balance of discipline
    • Few expectations are placed on children with regard to academic performance or other goals
    Authoritative Parenting

    Authoritarian and permissive parenting styles are seen as being opposite extremes. In between the two is the authoritative parenting style.

    So don’t use an authoritarian or permissive parenting style — choose Authoritative Parenting

    • Parent comes across to the children as role model, teacher, and guide
    • Rules are established and limits are put in place; expectations about children’s behavior and goals are expressed and discussed; flexibility and willingness to make adjustments are utilized as needed or appropriate
    • Children are expected to be obedient but parents are willing to listen to the children and allow their expression of opinion as a way to encourage good communication skills, independence, responsibility, and self-direction
    • Parents feel it is their right to be respected by the child but also believe that the respect must be deserved based on their own proper and fair behavior toward the child; equal consideration is given to the right of the child to be respected by the parents
    • High expectations are placed on children regarding their performance academically and in reaching any other goals set in place by parents, often in collaboration with the child
    • Warmth, caring, and nurturance are freely and frequently expressed
    • Consequences are used as a means to teach greater self-discipline and responsibility rather than as a rote punishment of the child; parents administer fair and consistent discipline and are willing to explain the natural connection between the infraction and the consequence
    • Children are encouraged to discuss options, make choices, and develop the capacity for decision-making and self-regulation in daily living

    Contributed by LivingEman.com

  • Manage Your Time and Your Life

    Manage Your Time and Your Life

     

    Whoever wishes to achieve something worthwhile in life needs to first change himself/herself. The change has to begin with self?improvement and self?discipline. A man who gets organized and disciplined in his own person automatically becomes effective and is better positioned to achieve objectives, big and small.

    Advantages of Getting Organized:
    · Leads directly to reduction of stress
    · Enhances efficiency, increases effectiveness
    · Increases our chances of success in our endeavors as we are better able to utilize and control ourselves, our time, and our resources
    · Better able to influence our household, our comrades, and team members
    · Improve our future by being able to devote ourselves adequately to important and worthwhile things
    · Better able to determine our priorities in life, which is really the secret of success in achieving not just the difficult, but also the impossible

    Self-discipline is one of the most important requisites of a balanced life. Balance in life also requires that we have a mission in life. Awareness of the purpose of our life makes it possible and easy for us to define our goals.

    Time is more precious than gold, pearls, and diamonds, because time is life itself

    We also need to be aware of what the future, both immediate and long term, demands of us in furtherance of our aims in life. We need to know further what specific actions are required on our part in order that these demands are effectively fulfilled.

    We need to be aware of our religious obligations, which really pervade and embrace our moral values, our social and family life, our commercial and business pursuits, in fact, our whole life, not only on this side of death, but the other (and everlasting and therefore supremely important) side as well. We need to know how to meet all of these often apparently conflicting responsibilities in a balanced way so as to be successful in this life as well as the life hereafter.

    An essential prerequisite of attaining discipline and balance in our lives is that we use the resources at our disposal in the most effective manner possible. One of the most important resources is time, of which everyone has been given an equal measure. Proper and judicious use of this resource is the key to success.

    Importance of Time

    Time is a resource without like or parallel. It is a perishable commodity. It cannot be touched, seen or stored.

    Like ice, if exposed and not used, it is soon lost. Time has no substitute. Time cannot be used or wasted in advance. If you waste time, it is immediately replaced by succeeding units of time. You cannot in any case recall time gone by. The time that is gone by is the time past. Even regretting its passage is a cause of further waste of this precious resource. We can think about and plan for the time that is yet to come, but it cannot be used until it is actually here. The time that can be used is the time we are passing through at this particular moment.

    Lack of awareness of the importance of punctuality and regularity is detrimental to progress

    A man is always short of the means that could enable him to utilize time in the best possible manner. He always complains of the lack of time. He puts off lots of things for a time of leisure that never seems to arrive. He is so involved in the affairs of the world that he would probably have leisure only in the grave. Yet, he does not stop to think of that particular future phase of his existence.

    For most people, life is the present time centering on the office, the business premises, the boss, the entrepreneur, and the work place, with its paraphernalia of furniture, files, business reports, balance sheets, machinery, and equipment. These are the things our lives appear to revolve around. Keeping the boss happy is the zenith of our ambition, the central theme of our existence. In the process, we may destroy our own prospects in the life hereafter.

    In Surah Al-Asr, Allah declares by `Time’ that man is in great loss of except those who possess the following attributes:
    l those who believe
    l those who do good
    l those who exhort others towards truth and
    l those who exhort others towards steadfastness

    In explaining this Surah, Imam Fakhruddin Razi writes, `Asr’ or Time is the framework in which wondrous events keep occurring. It is within the confines of `Asr’ that man does all that he does and all that befalls him, whether it is happiness or sorrow, poverty or riches, peace or conflict. The time of human life is therefore supremely important.

    Imam Razi says, “It was from an ice?seller that I learned the meaning of Surah Al-Asr. The ice vendor’s sales pitch was the lament, “Have pity on the man whose wealth is melting away, mercy for one whose capital is fast disappearing.” Hearing his lament, I reflected that this is the meaning of the Holy verse, “By the Time, man is in great loss.” The finite life that is given to man is fast eroding in the same manner as ice melts away. Man therefore will end up in sorrow if he wastes his time or spends it in wrong pursuits.”

    In the same context, Sheikh Abul Fattah says, “Loss and deprivation is in store for those who do not value time and waste all the time that is available to them. The time of life is soon spent, and one who has not used it properly is left empty handed.”

    Allah says in Surah Al?Furqan of the Quran, verse 72, “The slaves of Allah are those who do not bear witness of falsehood and when they run across senseless activity, pass by with dignity.”

    The last Prophet (pbuh) said, “Among Allah’s bounties are two which are not properly made use of by people: health and available time. He whose two days are equal (in accomplishment) is a sure loser.”

    The Prophet (pbuh) also said, “Man will not move one step from Allah’s presence until he has accounted for 5 things:
    · one—in what pursuits was his life spent
    · two—how was his youth spent
    · three—how did he earn his income
    · four—how did he spend his earnings and
    · five—how much of his knowledge (of good) did he put into practice

    Sahaba and Time

    Abu Bakr (R) used to pray thus, “O Allah, keep us not in darkness, forgive us our trespasses, and make us not heedless of time.”

    Umar’s (R) prayer was, “O Allah, make my time gainful and cause me to put it to good use.”

    Time, therefore, is more precious than gold, pearls, and diamonds, because time is life itself. Meticulous planning of time alone does not guarantee success; it is also essential that the effort to achieve an objective be made at a time that is appropriate for it. Wise men desist even from giving advice and counsel that is premature or too late and pray to Allah for every objective to be achieved at the appropriate time.

    You should have short-term and long-term plans for achieving objectives, as this would make for more effective utilization of your time

    Ali (R) warned, “Let a day’s task be completed that very day since the following day will dawn with tasks of its own. Today is the opportunity for action; reckoning is for tomorrow when opportunity for action will be afforded no more.”

    He also said, “Praiseworthy is he who realizes the value of opportunity (for good deeds) provided by life (while it lasts), puts it to good use, and approaches death thus well prepared to meet it. Devote your choicest hours in seeking the pleasure of Allah, to whom belongs all Time anyway.”

    Our Time Wasters

    Trying to do everything on your own leads to excessive experimentation and waste. We should learn to learn from others and to allow the experience of others to guide us.

    · Trying to be very obliging leads to a waste of time. We should only promise what we can deliver. A polite `no’ is perhaps the best course of action.
    · Time is wasted in the pursuit of perfection. A task is thus never completed because the result is never perfect.
    · Purposeless activity, application of effort without the required skill, and understanding of what is involved, wastes time.
    · Lethargy and procrastination are big time?wasters.
    · Leaving things half done is a big time waster.
    · Lack of self-discipline, lack of control over one’s emotions, and lack of understanding of the environment are all causes of the waste of time.
    · Lack of due attention to our affairs, lack of feedback on tasks in hand, and lack of follow up all lead to a waste of time.
    · Functions like marriages and parties in our society generally end up consuming 4 to 5 hours, a criminal waste of this precious resource!
    · Lack of ability to make decisions and boldly assume responsibility leads to indefinite postponement of important decisions and related actions.
    · Lack of awareness of the importance of punctuality and regularity is detrimental to progress.
    · Not providing the required training and not preparing functionaries for responsibilities that lie ahead leads to wastage of a whole organization’s time in a collective sense.
    · Useless talk over the phone or lacing the essential with the superfluous is a constant drain on time.

    Symptoms of Bad Time Management:

    If a person displays one or more of the following traits, then he/she is a bad time manager. Such a person would need to review his approach towards life.

    · Never finding the time to attend to important matters
    · Finding the bulk of one’s time taken up with attending frantically to tasks of an urgent and immediate nature
    · Staying up late unnecessarily
    · Taking work home
    · Not taking the paperwork in stride, waiting for the right `mood’
    · Being involved with helping others in their work at the expense of one’s own assignments
    · Considering oneself to be indispensable for the organization worked for
    · Finding it difficult to say `no’ even though circumstances warrant
    · Being generally under pressure, being upset, being pressed for time as a rule rather than as an exception
    · Not being able to complete a task at the appropriate time
    Try marking yourselves against this check list. It is likely that improvement may begin almost at once.

    Suggestions for Effective Use of Time

    Start putting just a few of the following ideas into practice and find the door leading to a better life opening wide for you. Ar?Rahman, the Merciful, will value as pearls the sweat that would flow in the process:

    · Be aware of the importance of time.
    · Become aware of your aim in life, the very purpose of your existence.
    · You should have short-term and long-term plans for achieving these objectives, as this would make for more effective utilization of your time.
    · Without further delay, jot down the list of things that cause your time to be wasted.
    · Make a complete list of tasks you started at one time or another but have not taken to a conclusion yet.
    · Try to be more effective at the psychological level; try to understand and realize the difference between being just present and being effective and try to improve your potential accordingly.
    · Be moderate in all your activities irrespective of whether they concern worship, socializing, business, politics, food, or planning for the future. Learn to plan your work.
    · Work with full involvement. Take a break whenever needed.
    · Smile when you talk to people. Don’t react seriously to everything people say.
    · Don’t allow work or a task to become an obsession.
    · Use your leisure hours more effectively. Find time to read the right books, newspapers, and magazines.
    · Self-development must also be given of your time and attention.

  • Family Life in Islam

    The late Imam Apha-Him Jobe served on the ICNA National Shura. He was widely known across Muslim communities in North America for his taqwa, humility, knowledge, and wisdom. Born in Gambia, he was educated at Ummul Qura University in Makkah, Saudi Arabia. He passed away in a car accident in 1997 on his way to an ICNA Educational Retreat in Atlanta, GA.
    Actively aiding Muslim communities and Islamic organizations across the continent, his works will continue to inspire generations of Muslims and non-Muslims alike, InshaAllah. May Allah grant him Paradise. Ameen.

    The topic of this article is Nizam-ul-Qusra-fil-Islam, which means “family life in Islam”. Let us picture a triangle with the husband at the highest point of the triangle, the wife and children on the other two points. This triangle is a very important triangle in life that consists of three members in one home. The origin of the family goes back to the beginning of the creation of Adam (pbuh). Adam, the father of the human family, and his wife Howa were the first family. Allah (SWT) says in Surah Al-Nisa, “O mankind, be mindful of your duty to your Lord, who created you from a single soul and from that soul, he created its companion and from the tooth he created countless men and women” (Al-Quran, 4:1). Allah is explaining to us the process of creation with Himself being the only one who supervises that process.

    We as Muslims have to be careful of how to maintain family life because, without the family, we cannot establish our social life. Family is the fundamental unit of our social life, which is founded on principals drawn by Shariah.

    Family has many functions to perform in the life of individuals and in society. Family is not only for the purpose of procreation, but has objectives for preservation and continuation of the human race as well. Procreation must have an established structure to come into operation, but if we do not establish the structure, we are going to have chaos in the operation. To operate the family, men and women and children are all in need of a permanent and lasting institution in order to fulfill their duties. To fulfill these duties, we need an institution called a home, or manzil, where one can dwell in relaxation, calmness, and security, and with this home, we need a leader to help establish family life.

    The Husband

    The leader of the household is the man in the family. A man has to be a husband before he introduces himself as the leader of the house. At the top of the triangle, he must have a companion, so in search for a companion, he must descend the hill. His coming down is a noted gesture or signal of harmlessness, because he has reached out to look for his mate. He cannot live life up there in isolation and arrogance.

    A man also must be a husband before he can become a father. He is the father who is appointed by Allah (SWT) to be the protector and maintainer of the family. Allah (SWT) says in Al-Quran in Surah 2, ayah 24 that men are the protectors and maintainers of women. However, a man must have high character to be the protector, security guard, and maintainer of the family. He has to acquire the characteristics of a “Qauwaam”, which signifies a person who takes the responsibility of safeguarding the interest of all people. “Qauwaam” is not just being the husband, but it is taking responsibility for safeguarding the entire family.

    Man, who is at the top of the triangle, has a duty to build the house that will be the center of family life. Men have to build the institution, which includes not just the physical structure, but the relationships and psycho-emotional stability of the family. Other important parts of the building are kindness and love. If there is no love, there is no family, because love is the root of sincerity. It is not enough to just love oneself, but a person has to share love by loving Allah and loving everyone for Allah. The Prophet (pbuh) said if you love, love for Allah; if you hate, hate for Allah. Then hate, love, kindness, and psycho-emotional stability must be established for Allah in the family as a firm, stable family building. An issue with stability is that we are living in a period of cultural crisis where one can see community life today founded on race, birth, tribe, and geography. But, if we check Al-Islam, community life is based on the unity of purpose, not based on color or race. These are three fundamental bases: Unity of Purpose, Love, and Faith. So, it is important to love faith, because race, language, and place of birth are rational in nature, but not a fundamental base for the building of a family.

    The Wife

    The role of the woman in the family is extremely important, because a good wife is considered to be the best blessing one can ever achieve in this life. Allah (SWT) is the only one who can stand by Himself; all of us, however, are in need of a companion. If the man and woman stay in their corners of the triangle, then they remain incomplete. But to complete the self, they have to come together in marriage where one half has a connection with the other half.

    The Prophet (pbuh) made women integral to his plan for Islamic education. He declared that seeking knowledge is an important duty of every Muslim male and female. Ayesha (R) used to praise the women of the Ansaar for not shying away from learning and comprehending the deen. Women need to take on that position to learn the deen because they are the mothers of the Ummah.
    Women at the time of the Prophet (pbuh) had become so keen to acquire more knowledge that they came to him and said, “O Messenger of Allah, you are always surrounded by men, and we cannot reach you.” They asked the Prophet (pbuh) to appoint a day for them to learn from him. Not only did he do that, but he sent some representatives to go to the women to teach them like Umar Ibn Al-Khattab and Ubaid-ul-Muqam (R).

    Women must realize that they are the root of the family. If they have educational and social skills, then they are the strongest root and have prepared themselves well to impart this knowledge to their children. They will be able to see the fruits of their striving reflecting in their children and in the entire family. Calmness, love, tenderness is in their hands, yet it is their responsibility to be the managers of the home. When the management is in their hands, they have to learn more about how to build the family. If you have a manager who cannot manage, the whole operation can fail. This is why it is important for women to continue to learn how to manage and build the family with their partners.

    Why is Marriage Important?

    A good and sound community can only grow if a man and woman are bonded in a soul relationship through the sacred contract called marriage. Marriage is a social institution as old as the human race itself. Allah (SWT) is the founder of the family, and Adam and Howa were members of the first family structured by Allah (SWT). He created Howa from Adam, which indicates that there is no superiority or inferiority in the family. As soon as a man comes into marriage, his entire life depends on that decision to step down to take responsibility. Some men do not assume responsibility after marriage and continue to live their lives in isolation at the top. This non-family-oriented behavior results in abuse in families. Therefore, taking on the role of a husband with a companion is vital to the success of the human race.

    The Prophet (pbuh) warned us and said that a man can marry a woman for her wealth, novelty, family, or religious quality. The Prophet (pbuh) said, “Blessed and fortunate is he who chooses his wife for religious qualities.” Religion—piety and God-consciousness—is the jewel to look for in a potential spouse. The reason that this is so is because religion is the focus of the marriage. Husband and wife must observe the cardinal purpose of their union, which is “Ibadathulla-hi-Subhanathullah”—marriage is an “Ibadah”, and the love and enjoyment in marriage is an “Ibadah”.

    Besides Ibadah, what is marriage? Marriage is righteousness, kindness, consideration, good manners, and generosity. Generosity means spending on family members. It is important to give, but not to count how much one gives. Marriage is also about dignity, honor, and respect, which includes self-respect as well as respecting others. There is no superiority or inferiority in marriage, but, instead, there is equality, justice, love, integrity, patience, courage, and modesty.

    Marriage is not about individuals, but it is about the entire home. It even goes beyond the home, by being an important social institution. Marriage perfects the human personality for the individual as well as society, and it secures happiness with prosperity for the individual as well as the society as a whole.

    Foundations of a Marriage

    Marriage is a very serious commitment based on the first quality we will discuss, honorable intention. One cannot marry periodically or temporarily, but must have the intention of marrying forever. Marrying someone for a short time, which is called “Mutah”, is not acceptable in Islam. When the parties enter into a marital contract, the intention must be clear to make the union permanent.
    Now, the second quality that a marriage is based on is fair knowledge of each other. It is important to have a basic understanding of one another and not to marry based on a picture or through the telephone. We cannot trust the voice or expressions, but must sit with this sister or brother to get to know him/her (obviously through Islamic means with appropriate chaperones present). This will allow the person to demonstrate his/her internal self, and of course all of this must be done within the Islamic context.

    The third quality a marriage is based on is compatibility. A husband and wife have to make sure that they have some kind of closeness in attitudes, and being flexible for each other is important. Compatibility on major things is necessary. This will become easier when they have love for each other, and then they will be able to adjust themselves to live together in tranquility. If you put the husband and wife together, but they do not have compatibility, then it will cause damage in the family; therefore, it is vital to find a companion with that compatibility.

    The fourth basis for a marriage is a reasonable dowry. There is no marriage without a dowry. There are many situations about dowry during the time of the Prophet (pbuh). One situation that is brought up often is when a woman came to the Prophet (pbuh) and wanted to get married. She asked Rasulallah to marry her, and he was quiet. Then a man said, “Yaa Rasulallah, if you don’t to want to marry her, I want to marry her.” The Prophet asked the woman if she would marry him, and she said yes. Then, the Prophet asked the man what he had to give to her. He had nothing. Prophet (pbuh) asked him to recite a portion from Quran, and then married them based on ilm, and the recitation was her dowry. This Hadith is Sahih, but the Hadith is not a standard. We should examine the dowries of Aisha, Fatimah and others around the Prophet (pbuh) and use those as standards. If the sisters believe in Allah (SWT) and follow Him, then they deserve to have the highest dowry in the world. But, it must be a reasonable dowry.

    The last basis for a marriage is good will. Every man and woman must marry with good will, ability, capability, and strength. So, these are the five fundamental basics to a marriage commitment that must be established for the marriage to be successful.

    Rights and Obligations Parents

    Now, let us move on to the rights and obligations of each member of a family. Allah addresses the rights of parents in the Quran. Allah says, “Your Lord has decreed that you worship no one but him and that you be kind to parents” (Al-Quran, 17:23). Here, Allah (SWT) says to be considerate, kind, and loving to one’s parents.

    Then, He says “whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt.” Allah says to be kind to them, and, in addition to this, to not use harshness by using words of contempt, which includes body language. Sometimes people do not talk, but their body language is communicating a particular message. For example, when a mother requests something from her son or daughter, it is important for the child not to roll his/her eyes or to refuse to get up, but to be prompt in fulfilling this request.

    “And address them in terms of honor…” This means that we have to address our parents in terms of respect. We cannot address our father and mother by raising our voices even if we are upset or if they are wrong about something. We must address them in terms of kindness and to use very pleasant language as well.

    “Lower to them the wings of humility” means to be humble towards them. Lowering the wings of humility can be humbleness and help as well, just like the birds lowering their wings to cover their babies. We have to do the same thing and demonstrate like the birds that are lowering their wings to cover the babies when the weather is cold. When the situation is difficult, it is important for us to cover our parents, support them with kindness, and not to feel proud of supporting them. Lowering the wings means to listen to them when they are talking and to lower our voices.

    Making dua for our parents is, no doubt, a duty that we have, and the best dua is to say “My Lord, give my parents mercy as they cherished me in childhood.” This is the dua Allah (SWT) has chosen for children to say for their parents. When the parent was strong and the child was helpless, parents were giving up a lot of time, energy, and money. All of their life is about their children and how to raise them. Therefore, as children, we must constantly make dua for them.

    The Prophet (pbuh) said that you and your wealth belong to your parents. It is not about if we want to help them, but we have to. Even if they have the money, we still must be there for them. The Prophet (pbuh) said to one companion who asked him, “Who deserves my companionship more than anyone else?” The Prophet replied, “Your mother deserves your companionship more than anyone else.” In addition, we must remember the famous hadith of the Prophet (pbuh) when he said, “Your mother” and was asked, “Who else?” He said, “Your mother” and was asked, “Then who?” He said, “Your mother”. When he was asked the same question again, he said, “Then your father.” Even with the father, he said “then”, and did not say “and” your father. The conjunction is different. The conjunction of “and” is parallel, but “then” is after the effect: then your father. This places the mother before the father three times.

    The Prophet (pbuh) was asked, “What are the greatest sins in life?” He said, “To associate anything or anyone with Allah is one of the greatest sins in the world. The second one is to boycott your mother.” It is important to respect one’s mother whether she is kafir or Muslim. A part of respect is sitting with her and listening to her stories, because a person’s mother is the one who can tell him/her of the first moments of his/her life.

    Children

    Now, let us discuss the rights of children. The first right of a child is to have a good mother. So, for men, it is important to remember that marriage is not just to obtain a companion, but to earn a mother for their children. Choosing a good person as a wife will benefit the child. The second right is for the child to live life, which makes abortion haram. In the stage of procreation, no matter if it is within 40 days, it is abortion because it is cutting the process of life. Allah says in the Quran that when Allah seals the egg in the womb with the sperm to fertilize it, that is the beginning of the process of life.

    Another right that children have is the right to be given a meaningful, beautiful name. Also, circumcision is the right of the male child, because it is part of cleanliness. Companionship is among the rights of children as well—it is important not to isolate children, but to play with them instead and to answer any questions that they may ask. The next right that a child has is to an education, which is the most important aspect of human society.

    The last right of the child to be discussed is their right to be disciplined. The children may not want to be disciplined, but it is their right. It is essential not to confuse punishing and disciplining. Punishment is the attitude of mothers long ago when humans could not talk, so they would beat their children. That is why, when a mother abuses her children, she has failed because she has not expressed herself properly. This kind of punishment is not part of the Islamic raising of children. Discipline, the correct form of rearing children, is part of education; to discipline is to educate and to tell the child what is right and what is wrong.

    Reminder

    Recall in mind that marriage is a decent human companionship authorized by Allah (SWT), so we must turn to Him for guidance. Allah (SWT) says, “O you humankind, fear your Lord, and be mindful for your duty towards your Lord” (Al-Quran, 4:1). Allah (SWT) says “Itaqullah”, meaning “Fear Allah”. This is the main fundamental principle in marriage and family life—to fear Allah alone and live life based on this beautiful quality of taqwa.