بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

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Jun 24 Transforming Your Reality Jun 17 A History of Muslim Americans’ Political Engagement Jun 17 My Brother is Gay: Navigating the Intersection of Religion and Family An interview with Imam Wesley Lebron Jun 10 Islam and the Romans: Early Muslim-Byzantine Interaction May 20 Reclaiming the Sunnah of Adoption and Foster Care: An Interview with Basmah Salam Apr 29 National Poetry Month: An Ode to Faith, Visibility, and the Conversations We Don’t Forget Apr 15 Beyond Ramadan: Taking Its Lessons Farther  Apr 15 The Power of Saying No: A Reflection on Boundaries

Author: Laura El Alam

  • How Not to Be a Toxic In-Law

    How Not to Be a Toxic In-Law

    Growing up, I witnessed a genuine fondness between my parents and grandparents. Their relationships were supportive and kind. I never heard either of my parents say a negative word about their mother-in-law or father-in-law, and so I assumed that all families enjoyed this kind of harmony. Therefore, when I got married and my own in-laws proved to be delightful, loving, and unobtrusive, I didn’t even realize what an enormous blessing it was. It wasn’t until I started getting to know other Muslim women that I heard horror stories about in-laws who were overbearing and controlling, jealous and conniving. I suddenly realized how very fortunate I was, alhamdullilah.

    I know that Muslims certainly are not the only people to have conflicts with their in-laws; it appears to be a universal problem that can affect families of any religion or culture. But it does seem that the cultures of some Muslim-majority nations (cultural ideas, traditions, and norms, I must note, that do not stem from Islam) cause a great deal of tension, injustice, misunderstanding, and hurt feelings between parents, their grown children, and their children’s spouses. How can we as an ummah fix this pervasive problem? How can we change the narrative so that we are not – or do not become – toxic in-laws?

    I spoke with several Muslim women to hear their perspectives. As mothers, daughters, and daughters-in-law themselves, they had words of wisdom to share with the intention of helping other families become more harmonious.

    Advice to Mothers-in-law and Fathers-in-law

    Amatullah*, a mother of five and Nutritional Health Practitioner, offers this reminder: “You do not own your son. He is a gift from Allah, who placed him in your hands to raise, love, and support, and to make him into a man who is a good father to his children and a good husband to his wife.”

    “Your son loves you more than you know, cherishes you, and is not replacing you with his wife,” Amatullah adds. “If you want your son to be happy, do not treat his wife like she stole him from you. If you love your son, do not make him feel guilty for loving his wife and paying attention to her. This is not in any way taking away from his love for you. It only means you raised a man who knows how to value his wife, and you should be proud of him for that. Do not be jealous and clingy; it’s toxic and will cause your adult children to distance themselves from you.”

    She advises, “Raise men with a backbone, men who are not afraid to speak the truth, even to their own parents. Accept when you are wrong and be gracious as much as possible. Do not offer unsolicited advice, especially in regard to raising children. Welcome your son/daughter-in-law into the family and make them feel like they belong, and that they are an important part of the family, not an imposter.”

    Shabana Haxton, a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner in Southern California who counsels numerous Muslim families says, “The in-laws should treat their child and the person he/she married equally. I think the problem in our community is the double standard. Women love their own girls and put them on a pedestal, whereas their daughter-in-law is treated as an outsider and a maid of the household. Mothers-in-law treat their daughters-in-law the same way they were treated by their in-laws, and no one is ready to break the cycle. I see many cases of in-law issues in my practice, mostly from our Desi and Arab communities.”

    “Do not use religion as a form of blackmail,” says Amatullah. “This can cause your children to distance themselves from you and the religion. Who wants to think that Allah is angry with them for being a dutiful husband or wife? Many parents use this sort of manipulation: ‘Allah will be angry with you if I am not pleased with you, you are choosing your spouse over your parents, this is displeasing to Allah.’ Unless your child is doing something that is explicitly haram and displeasing to Allah, do not guilt them in this way (and even if they are doing something haram, there are much better ways of advising them). Being a dutiful son or daughter, and being an excellent spouse, are not in contradiction to each other. They are both means of pleasing Allah.”

    Advice to Daughters-in-law and Sons-in-law

    Amatullah advises: “Dua, dua, dua! Ask Allah frequently to put baraka in your life, and to make your union a means of mercy and forgiveness for His sake. Ask Him to keep your family healthy and content, and to strengthen your family ties. Show love and respect to your in-laws as if they were your own family (not referring to toxic and abusive in-laws).”

    “Set healthy boundaries from the beginning,” Amatullah advises. “Do not allow anyone to transgress against the other. Everyone should have their own space. Do not force anyone to live together, most of the time this creates unnecessary problems and hard feelings. Know your deen. Understand your rights and responsibilities. Attend Islamic seminars on marriage with your spouse. Educate yourself on how to be a better version of yourself, the rights and duties of a husband, wife, and parents, so that you don’t set unrealistic expectations, and so you show up as a better person for your family.”

    Not Always Toxic!

    Not everyone has negative experiences with their in-laws. A few women I interviewed spoke about their mother- and father-in-law with fondness and gratitude.

    “Alhamdulillah, I am blessed to have amazing in-laws,” says Shaylene Haswary, a mother of five in Oregon. “Although we had cultural differences, when it came to Islam, we had the same views. With my mother-in-law, the kitchen was her domain, and I let her run it. There were times when it would get overly messy, and it drove my husband crazy. I reminded him she is making food for everyone, and that’s where she feels the most comfortable. There were times when she’d talk about Islam, and I didn’t agree with her beliefs about a few things, but I only listened. Years later, because of personal experience, her views (which had been based on culture) changed for the better. It was an amazing experience getting to know them, alhamdullilah!”

    Shabana says, “My in-laws were very respectful of our boundaries and made sure that they did not ‘burden’ anyone. I remember whenever my in-laws came over for dinner, my father-in-law would pick up his plate from the table, rinse it, and put it in the dishwasher. All of us would say, “Dad, you don’t have to do that!’ and he would say, ‘Did I not use this plate?’”

    “My in-laws took pride in raising their kids to be loving, understanding and helpful,” adds Shabana. “My mother-in-law taught all her children (three girls and three boys) to be self-sufficient in performing daily chores.”

    Rania* says, “While I was drenched in postpartum depression (no one knew about what I was going through, including my mom), my husband and I had a very rough patch. One day, I called my mother-in-law to tell her that I was planning to leave her son. The first thing she asked was if her son was having an affair, or what he did wrong.”

    “Not even for a second did she suspect that I may have done something wrong,” says Rania. “SubhanAllah even my own mother doesn’t have that kind of trust in me! I’m genuinely grateful for my in-laws.”

    In Islam, the family unit should be the strongest of all societal bonds. This cannot happen unless every member takes responsibility for their actions and strives to fulfill their obligations. It is easy to blame others for conflicts and hurt feelings, but we cannot change others; we can only change ourselves. To ensure that we are not toxic in-laws we must reflect on our own contributions to family tension. Is our ego causing rifts? Does our insecurity cause us to stir up trouble? Would Allah be pleased with the way we’re handling situations with our family? Insha’Allah our efforts to identify and admit our own weaknesses and perfect our own character will be seen and blessed by Allah.

    Ali (r) said about the Prophet, “Three things — quarreling, arrogance, and vain pursuits, he stayed away from with regard to himself. And three things he stayed away from with regard to others — he did not find fault, lay blame, or seek to expose anyone’s weak points” (Shama’il al-Tirmidhi).

    *Names have been changed to protect the identity

  • Embracing Authenticity as a Muslim Woman

    Embracing Authenticity as a Muslim Woman

    Allah made each and every one of us humans unique. There are no two people exactly alike, and this diversity is a great blessing. In the Quran, Allah tells us: “O humanity! Indeed, We created you from a male and a female, and made you into peoples and tribes so that you may get to know one another” (49:13).

    Sometimes for Muslim women, it can be particularly challenging to embrace and express our unique selves. When we are wearing a hijab that clearly marks us as a believer in a non-Muslim land, we feel pressure, sometimes, to present a “perfect” image to the world. After all, we often feel like a walking billboard for our faith, knowing some people will judge Islam by our actions.

    Some of us who have encountered bigotry might try to remain as inconspicuous and bland as possible in an attempt to ward off any confrontation or harassment. But by attempting to hide our imperfections, quirks, personality, and unique qualities, we run the danger of hiding the authentic self that is a gift to the world.

    I struggled with expressing my authentic self when I first embraced Islam 23 years ago. On one hand I knew I needed to shed parts of me that did not align with Islam. This meant making some drastic changes to the way I dressed, the foods I ate, and the activities I enjoyed. Like many new Muslims, once I had transformed many of my habits, I had to ask myself, “Who am I now?” The problem was, I didn’t know the answer.

    If I could go back and talk to young, new-Muslim Laura, I would tell her this: you can still be yourself! You do not have to wear a shalwar kameez from Pakistan, or an abaya from Jordan if you’re not comfortable in those clothes. You can find a modest wardrobe at your local department store that fits your style. If you want to wear Converse high tops with jeans and casual shirts, just make sure the pants are baggy, the top is loose and long-sleeved, and the shoes are . . . well. . . your favorite color!

    Many of my hobbies and passions were still permissible, but for a while I gave them up. I wish I’d had easy access, back in 2000, to comfortable and modest clothes that would have enabled me to pursue my love of sports. I gave it up for a while because being modest and athletic seemed impossible. Nowadays, of course, even Nike has a sports hijab! In fact, Islamic clothing for nearly any occasion or activity is merely a click away. It’s nice to be sporty again; that’s part of who I am.

    When I became a Muslim, I gave up pork and alcohol, of course, but I didn’t need to replace my mom’s pot roast recipe with samosas or maqlooba (as delicious as those are). Cuisines from Muslim-majority lands are not “more Islamic” than the foods I’d grown up with, as long as all ingredients are halal.

    I stopped celebrating holidays with my non-Muslim family, and that really hurt my relationship with them. I wish I had listened to this talk by Dr. Yasir Qadhi about the permissibility of celebrating Thanksgiving and private celebrations with one’s non-Muslim family members, or even gathering with them on other holidays as long as I didn’t participate in overtly religious rituals.

    In giving up almost everything that had defined me before Islam, I surrendered huge chunks of my authentic self. I did not realize, back then, that Islam does not have one culture. Muslims are beautifully diverse, and no country or ethnicity has a monopoly on Islam. Even the Prophet (peace be upon him) explicitly addressed this in his farewell sermon: “There is no superiority of an Arab over a non-Arab, or of a non-Arab over an Arab.”

    Sometimes “born” Muslims pressure converts to adopt their culture along with the deen. This can cause new Muslims to feel unnecessary shame about their own background. It can also trigger a painful identity crisis, since converts don’t seem to fit in with their old community anymore, but they also feel like outsiders amongst Muslims.

    It took me many years to settle into my own authenticity. I finally feel at peace with who I am – an American Muslim who loves Islam while simultaneously embracing many parts of me that were formed in my youth. Now that I’m celebrating my true self, I’ve found that my relationships with non-Muslims have become more rewarding, as well. For years I tried to be “perfect” so that no one could fault me, or Islam. I hid away my flaws and quirks and tried to make myself invulnerable. As a result, I built a wall that kept non-Muslims from knowing me as a human being.

    Nowadays I try to let my true self show through as much as possible. I speak about my passions, my fears, my flaws, and my strengths. I am less afraid to show people that I am an imperfect person who is striving to improve and please her Creator. In fact, I think my authenticity allows others to let their guard down. I now let people know that, like them, I deal with challenges as a mother, a wife, a daughter, and a professional. I have a lot more in common with them than they might initially think.

    When I show non-Muslims my true self, they often share with me their own concerns, flaws, and hopes. We connect on a human level. I am convinced that forming genuine connections with Muslims is the only way that people can be open to learning about Islam. When the teacher is humble, accessible, and relatable, students are willing to listen. Sometimes I discuss religion directly, but most of the time I hope that non-Muslims will learn about my faith indirectly, from my words and actions.

    Of course, we Muslims must always find a balance between showing the world our authentic self and having appropriate modesty. Ibn Abbas reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, every religion has a character, and the character of Islam is modesty” (Sunan Ibn Mājah).

    Being authentic does not mean telling everyone everything about yourself. It does not entail compromising your principles or broadcasting your sins or flaws. It simply means using your unique personality, talents, viewpoint, and challenges in appropriate ways to facilitate halal interactions and meaningful connections. It also means being content with who you are while striving to become a better Muslim every day.

    Allah made you you for a reason – not to be ashamed of who you are, not to try to conform to others’ standards, but to use your unique strengths to make the world a better place.

  • When a Wife ‘Lets Herself Go’

    When a Wife ‘Lets Herself Go’

    It’s Monday evening, and Ali, a husband and father of four, is watching the news. He glances into the kitchen where his wife, Amal, is cooking dinner. With one hand she stirs a pot and with the other she comforts their youngest child who has bumped her head.

    Ali can’t help but notice that his wife is looking frumpy. When he married her fifteen years ago, she was slender, fit, and always made efforts to look fresh and attractive for him. Now she constantly wears baggy clothes to hide her chubbier figure. Her hair is usually gathered in a messy bun. She gives almost all her attention to their children, whose requests seem never-ending. The brightness Ali used to see in Amal has dimmed. Some women her age manage to look youthful, attractive, and physically fit. Why can’t his wife? How can Ali be attracted to a woman who no longer cares at all about her appearance?

    This may be a fictional scenario, yet it is a realistic reflection of many couples’ lives. A common complaint among men is that their wives “let themselves go” as they get older, particularly after having children. When women no longer prioritize their fitness or appearance, it can be disappointing and unappealing to their husbands, who married them, at least in part, because of physical attraction.

    Are these men selfish? Are their feelings justified? Do women have a duty to look good for the sake of their husbands? What can husbands do if their wives have become less attractive?

    I spoke with several Muslim women about this phenomenon. Among them are a life coach who specializes in working with women of school-aged children and a licensed clinical therapist. A couple of the women I spoke with acknowledge that they have “let themselves go” at some point in their lives. Others say they’ve made a consistent effort to maintain their looks and health despite their busy lives. Their opinions are divided. Some put the responsibility of self-care squarely on the wife, while others believe a husband’s attitude has a major impact on a wife’s self-image.

    Self-care Is a Duty

    There are some Muslimahs who firmly believe it is a duty to maintain one’s fitness, appearance, and health as much as possible. This obligation, they emphasize, applies to women and men.

    Shaylene Haswarey is a wife and mother of five who, despite her busy schedule, has always made fitness a priority in her life. She believes self-care requires a team effort between spouses and is a lifestyle that the whole family should embrace. “Whatever gender you are, it is important to take care of yourself,” Shaylene says. “After getting married and having kids, it’s hard to get ‘me time.’ No one wants to let themselves go, but it happens. Both husband and wife need to make time to take care of themselves. If the husband is complaining that his wife has let herself go, it helps if he takes care of the kids while she goes to the gym. If the wife is complaining, it helps if she makes healthy food. It’s nice when both husband and wife can work out together, follow a nutrition plan together, and include the kids.”

    Estela Rodriguez Jebril is a licensed clinical therapist. She sees self-care as a sacred obligation. “As Muslims,” she says, “our bodies are a gift from Allah, and we have a responsibility to stay at a fitness level that keeps us healthy and energetic. Having babies and getting old is not an excuse to let our fitness go as women.” To Estela, the complaints of a husband like Ali are valid. “Yes, a man can ask his wife to take better care of herself, in my opinion, just like a woman can ask her husband to take better care of himself.”

    Dig Deeper

    Some of the women I interviewed said that instead of focusing solely on external, physical changes, it is important to investigate the internal issues that led to the wife’s downtrend in health and fitness.

    For instance, husbands might not realize the uniquely high degree of sacrifice that motherhood entails. Women whose days and nights are consumed by needy children often lose sight of their own priorities, health, and motivation. “There are seasons in every woman’s life,” explains Aasma Maqbool, a mother of five. “Sometimes we are just barely surviving, taking care of everybody else. It is a privilege and a blessing to have the time, energy, and ability to take care of yourself if you are a woman.”

    “When a person, man or woman, lets themselves go, I think they need to investigate why,” says Michelle, an IT architect, wife, and mother. “Is it because they don’t care how they look? Are they depressed or their self-esteem is suffering? Do they no longer feel they need to look good? Do they still care, but just don’t have the time? Are they struggling with their weight – even though they are trying – and just don’t know what to do? I don’t think it is a simple answer. But in general, I don’t think anyone wants to look bad and probably needs help: mental, emotional, or physical.”

    Danielle LoDuca, a life coach certified in nutrition and fitness, does not immediately sympathize with disenchanted husbands. In the case of a wife who has let herself go, Danielle perceives an underlying problem of unmet needs on the wife’s part, and self-centered thinking of the husband. “If a husband’s main concern is about how his wife appears to him,” she says, “this points to a sense of entitlement and a lack of real love and concern for her well-being.”

    “This,” she adds, “is one of the most toxic situations for a woman to be in. In my opinion it indicates a kind of neglect on the husband’s part. It would be preferable for a husband who is a caretaker and leader to investigate which needs of his wife are not being met. Is she happy? Is she sleeping well? Is she eating well? Does she have adequate alone time, time with friends and family? Does she have time to pursue her own hobbies and pleasures? Does she know she is loved and cherished by her husband? Does she receive kindness and attention from him?”

    Solutions

    Whether they sympathize with husbands like Ali or not, it seems that everyone agrees that a woman who has neglected her own health and appearance needs some kind of support. What can be done?

    “I would advise a husband in this situation to tell his wife he loves her regularly,” says Danielle. “Make sure she feels loved for who she is, not how she looks. Let her know how much you appreciate her and why. Start giving more: your presence, attention, and things you know she likes. Also, let her know she is beautiful too. Find ways in which you see her as beautiful and tell her and show her. Maybe her eyes are sparkling. Maybe her laugh lights you up. She needs to know. No one wants to let themselves go. Women want to be loved for the person they are, not how they look. And often women want to feel beautiful before they do anything to look beautiful.”

    “Criticism is not a motivator,” adds Shaylene. “It causes hurt feelings. Being diplomatic and coming up with a healthy plan for the whole family is definitely a better, and hopefully, a more successful approach.”

    In summary: All of us – male and female – should remember that our bodies are an amanah from Allah, and we have a responsibility to take care of our mental and physical health. If there are obstacles that are keeping us from self-care, we can seek support from doctors, psychologists, or life coaches. Our spouse should be our number-one supporter. 

Some advice for husbands:

    • Do not criticize your wife hoping that will change her; it will backfire. Instead, focus on her positive traits. Make sure to point out things you admire about her. Your sincere praise and support might motivate her to care more about her health and fitness.
    • Enable your wife to have time to exercise and take care of her body. In addition, encourage her to pursue her interests and invest in her well-being.
    • To understand a wife’s circumstances, observe how she spends her days. Is she rushing around constantly, with no time for herself? If so, help her carve out regular “me-time.” This might entail hiring help or taking on some household tasks yourself.

    In Islam, husbands and wives are meant to support each other and fulfill each other’s needs. When they only consider their own needs but ignore their spouse’s, it is a recipe for resentment and discontent. If, on the other hand, they each give 100 percent to their role while always considering their spouse’s happiness, they will both find themselves thriving.

  • Four Remarkable Muslim Moms Pursue Their Joys, Enhance Their Community

    Four Remarkable Muslim Moms Pursue Their Joys, Enhance Their Community

    Allah has given each of us unique talents and abilities. Oftentimes mothers set their passions to the side because their daily responsibilities seem so all-consuming. However, as these four Muslim women demonstrate, it is possible for busy mothers to carve out time for activities that invigorate them and benefit their community. These moms have discovered what brings extra joy and meaning to their lives and have found ways to explore their interests while enhancing others’ lives at the same time.

    Tara Olhoft – Swim Instructor

    Tara is an avid swimmer and certified lifeguard and swim instructor who used to dream of competing in the Olympics. She coached and swam competitively for several years, but then her life took an unexpected turn.

    “While working as a lifeguard, I would study the Qur’an during my breaks,” explains Tara. “Within months, I took my shahada. After I started wearing hijab, I could not swim laps anymore. This was pre-burkini, and no Muslim ladies that I knew did that.”

    Tara did not give up her passion indefinitely, though. “Fast forward 5 children and 15 years later, I again have the opportunity to teach swimming lessons,” she says. “The burkini is available, and I have confidence and access to a pool. I started with my own children alhamdulillah. It became clear to me that there is no one formula for teaching swimming. Now, when I have a new student, I pay close attention to their individual needs and tailor the lesson for them. I teach them how to use the water for their benefit.”

    Tara uses her love of aquatics and her keen understanding of different personalities and learning styles to customize her lessons, even for those who are fearful of the water. “Last summer I was traveling from pool to pool teaching children and ladies from all walks of life how to swim,” she says. “There are so many people who don’t believe they could ever swim, but when they begin lessons, they fall in love with the water.”

    For Tara, sharing her talents has been fulfilling for her and beneficial to countless others. “Alhamdulillah,” she says, “Allah has put me in a position to help my community members learn how to swim and grow in confidence in their abilities.”

    Maryam Yousaf – Writer and Blogger

    “My passion is to serve the ummah both online and offline,” says Maryam Yousaf, a writer and mother of four from Scotland. “I am a blogger on Instagram where I share faith-based posts and also help my followers with any questions or help they need.”

    In addition to blogging, Maryam has published several books. “I was inspired to write books after the positive response I received from writing inspirational faith-based content on Instagram and on my website. I decided to help more people by writing books about self-love, relationships, women’s empowerment via Islam, and fiction and non-fiction children’s books.”

    Maryam was driven not only by her interest in writing, but also by the lack of quality Islamic literature for an audience hungry for it. She says, “I realized that there was a need for this service therefore decided to take action instead of waiting and hoping that someone else would.”

    Maryam’s latest non-fiction book, Remarkable Muslim Women, will insha’Allah be published on Amazon in July. It is aimed at readers aged 10 and older and highlights positive Islamic role models. Maryam Yousaf, author and blogger, can be found on Instagram @Muslimatoday, on TikTok @Muslimatoday1, and via her website.

    Nina Obeid – Runner and Trainer

    For Nina Obeid, a mother of three in California, what started as a means of physical and mental self-care and losing postpartum weight has become a way to empower other Muslim women.

    “I am a runner and novice triathlete,” she says. “Having run 2 marathons, 13 half-marathons, 3 short course triathlons, plus obstacle course racing, trail running, and relay racing over the 10 years, I learned a few things along the way. I shared my passion and process via social media and was approached one day to coach a few ladies from the Muslim community in Orange County, California.”

    With the same energy and determination that she puts into her grueling workouts, Nina founded two clubs: OTG Runners and Off the Grid Sisters Social Hike Club. Currently over forty Muslim women participate in her popular programs.

    “I was really trying to convey that self-care, engaging in sports, health, and fitness, while being a hijabi Muslim female were not limiting factors, nor counter to Islam,” explains Nina. “Rather it’s in support of our worship of Allah SWT. We are encouraged to get out in nature. We are told our bodies have rights over us and are an amana to take care of. We have been prescribed to enjoin good and bring others to worship for His sake and build a community. Running and hiking was my way of doing it.”

    Nina Obeid — MSW; RRCA (Road Runners Club of America); USATF 1 (USA Track & Field) — can be followed on Instagram.

    Jennessa Durrani – Empowerment Coach and Islamic Center Council Member

    Jennessa Durrani, a mother of two, has harnessed her unique talents to give a voice to Muslim women in her community. “The two passions that I have that I use within my community and my business are therapeutic arts like zentangling, art journaling, and mandalas and gathering women together to make meaningful connections,” says Jennessa.

    “All throughout my life I have been the glue that brought people together,” she explains. “I am the type of person that hates small talk, but I can sit down and talk to anyone about their story for hours and hours. So, bringing women together to connect with themselves and each other through meaningful dialogue and art is the perfect marriage and definitely my passion.”

    As an empowerment coach, Jennessa helps women of all faiths and backgrounds, but as a Muslim she directs much of her expertise to her local masjid. “I have found through the years that our Muslim community has limited programming for women to gather for the sake of support, camaraderie, and connection,” she says. “It can also be difficult for the women in our community to provide their input into the programming and support that they need as a Muslimah, mother, wife, and daughter. As a result, when I was given the opportunity to be a founding member of the Shura Council at my local mosque, I jumped at the opportunity.”

    Her efforts on the Shura Council, while focused primarily on the needs of women and adolescents, enhance the community as a whole. “Over the past two years I have been able to create a sisters’ programming committee that is giving a voice to the women to find activities they can connect with. I’ve also created a youth development committee led by sisters that is doing monthly programming for teens to help strengthen their imaan.” Jennessa Durrani can be followed at on her website where she empowers mothers to see what’s possible for themselves without sacrificing their role as an amazing mom.

    Mothers who have latent talents or unexplored passions can look to Tara, Nina, Maryam, and Jennessa as role models. These women saw a need in their community and generously dedicated their time, energy, and God-given abilities to fulfill it. Along the way, they get to be the best version of themselves, honoring their strengths and using them to please their Creator.

  • Overcoming Obstacles to Embrace Eid in America

    Overcoming Obstacles to Embrace Eid in America

    Eid al-Fitr and Eid al-Adha are the most important Islamic holidays, but for Muslims in the United States, celebrating Islam’s holiest days can be a hurdle as well as a joy. Living in a society that hardly recognizes their religious traditions, they must forge their own celebrations, create their own sense of community, and advocate for their right to practice their religion. Various factors affect Muslims’ levels of Eid observance and enthusiasm. This article will delve into some of the challenges American Muslims face, as well as the creative solutions they have devised.

    Challenge: Getting Time Off Work and School

    Eid al-Fitr and Eid al-Adha are not recognized as federal public holidays in the United States. While some school districts do consider Eid a public holiday and give students and teachers the day off, most families must pull their children out of school to attend Eid prayers and celebrations. School absences can be detrimental when major exams or projects are scheduled on the same day.

    Similarly, employees usually must negotiate to get days off work for the two Eids. Not all managers have the flexibility or the magnanimity to accommodate workers’ requests. Appeals for time off are complicated by the fact that many Muslims rely on moon sightings to confirm the day of Eid, so they often do not know in advance exactly which day their holiday will fall on. “I have only ever celebrated Eid in the U.S. my entire life,” says Aasma Maqbool of California, “and the most challenging aspect I have found is that Eid has to be celebrated around whatever else is happening in life, such as school and work, which is really difficult. There have been times when my husband or kids couldn’t properly celebrate because of exams or meetings.”

    “The continuous challenge is that we still don’t have as much time off from work or school as there is for Christmas or Thanksgiving break,” adds Sakeena Rashid of Michigan. “We make do with paid time off and stretch the days as best we can to soak up all of the family time and Eid festivities.”

    Solution: Know and Claim Religious Rights

    There is no federal law that requires an employer to give employees days off for religious holidays. However, Muslims in the U.S. should be aware of their rights. Under Title VII of the Civil Rights Act, employers have an affirmative duty to provide “reasonable accommodation” to employees for religious observances, such as requesting a day off to observe a religious holiday, unless the employer can demonstrate that providing such a reasonable accommodation would result in an “undue hardship” on the employer.

    As the Muslim population in the U.S. grows, it will likely become normalized for schools and workplaces to recognize the two Eids. According to a study by the Pew Research Center, “By 2040, Muslims will replace Jews as the nation’s second-largest religious group after Christians. And by 2050, the U.S. Muslim population is projected to reach 8.1 million, or 2.1% of the nation’s total population, nearly twice the share of today.” Changes are already afoot. In 2015, New York City public schools —the largest school system in the country — added the two Muslim holidays to their calendars for official days off.

    Aasma Maqbool thinks increased awareness will help Muslim families celebrate their holidays more easily. She says, “I think if Eid could be recognized by our schools and workplaces to make it acceptable for Muslims to celebrate with their families that would be a step towards national recognition. I do think we have progressed, and it is more widely recognized today.”

    Challenge: Competing with Christmas

    Although there are many popular American holidays, Christmas is arguably the most festive. For at least a month before the actual holiday, stores, homes, and public spaces are adorned with Christmas trees, lights, wreaths, and decorations. Young Muslims growing up in this country often feel envious of friends whose main religious holiday is so universally, joyfully celebrated. Even at secular schools there are usually Christmas-themed projects, stories, singalongs, parties, and decorations. Most popular TV shows air special Christmas episodes, and many stores play Christmas music around the clock. With its appeal to all the senses, from delicious flavors to tantalizing fragrances, Christmas can seem dazzling and enviable. As a result, many American Muslims, either consciously or subconsciously, compare Eid to Christmas and try to make their own holidays just as extraordinary.

    Susan Lynn, a convert from Missouri, says, “As a Muslim in America, my greatest challenge is trying not to compare Eid to Christmas and go overboard to make it feel just as special for my kids. There is no comparison. We can do lights and decorations, treats and presents, but it will never be quite the all- encompassing holiday season that Christmas is because there are so few of us celebrating it in my city.”

    Solution: Making Our Own Eid Traditions

    Muslim Americans’ desire to imitate Christmas, though perhaps understandable, can be harmful, primarily because we are not supposed to copy other religions. The Prophet (s) said, “The one who imitates those other than us [in faith and religious rituals] is not from among us. Do not imitate the Jews and Christians” (Tirmidhi).

    Muslims must also acknowledge that in a country where Christmas traditions are so deeply rooted and intrinsically tied to commercialism and nostalgia, the two Eids are unlikely ever to compare. Therefore, we should not base our Eid satisfaction on whether non-Muslims recognize or appreciate our holidays, or whether or notthe two Eids seem as splendid as Christmas. Rather than copying Christian trends, Muslims need to embrace our own roots by honoring the traditions from 1,400 years ago. These include wearing special clothes on the day of Eid, exchanging gifts, attending prayer, giving charity, and sharing food with family, friends, and neighbors.

    Sakeena Rashid says, “When we were growing up in the ‘80s Eid was always the happiest time for my siblings and me. My parents were both converts raising seven children as best they could with limited means, but an abundance of love. I remember one Eid my Ummie sewed all our dresses, and our Eid presents were wrapped in newspaper. Eid was simpler then. It wasn’t a recognized holiday, and we didn’t have the day off school.”

    “Today,” she says, “My two favorite Eid traditions are getting together with my family to celebrate and participating in our secret gift exchange. Last year we rented a beautiful lake house and my parents, siblings and all our children came together for a week of fun that consisted of boat rides on the lake, matching family pajamas, and a plethora of delectable foods from spinach pies, grilled meats, and all the fattoush we could pile on our plates. Our Eid has come a long way from newspaper-wrapped gifts, but the focus on family, togetherness, and gratitude to Allah (SWT) remains our most cherished tradition.”

    Challenge: Loneliness and Isolation

    Many Muslims in the U.S. find themselves alone at Eid. Some left their families and friends behind in another country, and others are recent converts who have no Muslim family members to celebrate with. The holidays can be particularly desolate for those who are outside the bubble of family traditions and happy gatherings. While some Muslim families joyfully pile into their cars after Eid prayer to head to various friends’ and relatives’ homes, other Muslims have nowhere to go and no one to visit.

    Christine Truelove Asaf is a convert who knows what isolation feels like. When she was a new Muslim, she says, “I felt unwelcome by the Arabs at the masjid and community gatherings. I felt so out of place. They weren’t welcoming or nice at all and they would speak only Arabic, which made me feel worse.”

    Lail Hossain says, “I came to the USA as an international student. As a person who grew up in a Muslim-majority country (Bangladesh), I sorely missed the Eid traditions with family and friends that I grew up with. More than anything I missed the sense of community. I was utterly surprised at how ignorant and unaware people around me, including my classmates and professors, were about the major Muslim holidays.”

    Solution: Muslims Must Support One Another

    Muslims who are established in the U.S. with solid community and family ties can make a huge difference by welcoming left-alone Muslims into their gatherings with warmth and kindness. One convert explains how she, a new Muslim, and her husband, whose family was overseas, had no one to celebrate Eid with when they first got married. A generous Muslim family invited them to join their holiday celebrations. For several years, the family welcomed the couple as one of their own and thoughtfully shared gifts, food, and hospitality.

    Lail Hossain describes how she took matters into her own hands after experiencing several lonely Eids as an immigrant. “When I became a mother, I took it as a mission that the next generation of Muslims wouldn’t feel the isolation I once did. I quit corporate America and founded a brand that helps families create a unique American Muslim holiday tradition.”

    While the days of Eid in the U.S. might seem more limited and modest compared to the lavish festivity of holidays in Muslim-majority countries, they can still be deeply meaningful, joyous, and memorable. To make the most of Eid in America, Muslims must tap into all their ingenuity, creativity, rich traditions, and kindness.

  • Examining the Homicide Spike

    Examining the Homicide Spike

    Murder is on the rise in the United States. Since 2020, the rate of homicides has been increasing at an alarming pace. According to an article in The New York Times, “In 2020, murders in the United States spiked more than 27 percent — the largest percentage increase in at least six decades.” In 2021, the upward trajectory persisted: “Homicide counts in major American cities continued to climb in 2021, but the pace of the increase slowed,” reports the Council on Criminal Justice. Furthermore, mass shootings increased significantly. According to an article in Vox, they “were up more than 46 percent last year.” Why is this surge in murders happening?

    Various Theories

    There are many hypotheses about why homicide rates have spiked in the past three years. Some experts blame the pandemic which caused economic stress and distressing disruptions to daily life. Others point to a heightened distrust of the police, fueled primarily by the killing of George Floyd in May of 2020, as well as many other instances of police brutality against African Americans.

    Some analysts blame progressive policies for contributing to the rise in crime. In fact, according to The New York Times, “Rising homicide and violent crime rates have even Democrats in liberal cities calling for more law enforcement, not less — forcing prosecutors to defend their policies against their own allies.” Democratic leaders like Mayor London Breed – the first black female mayor of San Francisco –admits that many of the progressive policies meant to eradicate crime have not been successful:

    “This is not working,” Ms. Breed said recently on The New York Times podcast “Sway.” “We’ve added all these additional resources — the street crisis response team, the ambassadors, the services, the buildings we purchase, the hotels we purchase, the resources. We’ve added all these things to deal with food insecurity. All these things. Yet people are still being physically harmed and killed.”

    An increased prevalence of guns undoubtedly had a huge impact on the murder rate. According to an article from NPR, “Much of the violence [in 2020] was driven by firearms, with nearly 77% of murders being committed with some sort of gun.” Furthermore, as German Lopez writes in The New York Times, “Americans bought many more guns in 2020 and 2021 than they did in previous years. The guns purchased in 2020 also seemed to be used in crime more quickly than firearms bought in previous years. And Americans seemed more likely to carry guns illegally in 2020. In short: Americans had more guns, and were possibly more likely to carry and use them.”

    Pastor Corey Brooks, founder and Senior Pastor of New Beginnings Church of Chicago, sees a correlation between homicides and drill music (“drill” is slang for “killing”), a subgenre of hip hop with dark, violent content which some critics say glamorizes crime, gang rivalry, and death. In a speech, Brooks said, “Drill music is a major problem of what keeps the violence going in the South Side of Chicago. What made drill music so powerful, and what gave drill music its staying power in America are the music corporations. The people that run these companies are what I call ‘culture vultures.’ They feed off the misery of my people, and these culture vultures make millions off the deaths of black bodies.”

    Even with good intentions, some progressives, comfortably detached from the poor neighborhoods and minority communities they set out to help, don’t always solve the problems effectively. In fact, they sometimes make things worse. Pastor Brooks says, “These liberal folks thought they knew how to fix our neighborhood. They bragged about how they were helping us when they were in reality creating black dependency. They bragged about how they were investing in our neighborhood when we clearly don’t see any fruits of that so-called investment around here. In other words, these liberals exploited black pain for their own personal and professional prestige. They never paid the price for the damage they did to our communities. We would have been way better off had they never tried to help us in the first place. That’s a fact.”

    What Solutions Are Being Proposed?

    Liberals have suggested various proactive measures to combat the high crime rate. They have called for measures like a widespread reform of the criminal justice system, defunding the police, and investing in more social services like educational opportunities, community outreach initiatives, and access to health care and drug rehabilitation. Defunding the police has been controversial, and many point to the fact that residents in high-crime areas don’t want less policing, just non-militarized, well-trained, quality policing. A USA TODAY/Ipsos poll showed that only 18 percent of respondents support the movement to defund the police. Interestingly, 67 percent of white Americans oppose the idea, as do 66 percent of black Americans. Along the lines of political affiliation, 66 percent of Democrats oppose defunding the police and 84 percent of Republicans oppose it as well. In many cases, a trial run of defunding the police has proven it to be ineffective measure. According to an article in The Nation, “. . . cities that had committed to defunding the police in 2020 are already reversing course in response to apparently rising crime, restoring police budgets to their prior excessive amounts and sometimes even increasing them.”

    Conservatives tend to criticize the liberals for their suggested reform measures but offer few real ideas of their own to address the rise in crime, often just repeating the worn-out slogan of “law and order.” They are willing though, in contrast to liberals, to talk about the importance of individual morality and self-accountability and to decry the absence of fathers in poor and minority families.

    Paradoxically, the phenomenon of fatherless families is due to both high incarceration rates as well as the welfare system which, according to Paul Peterson, a Harvard scholar on education reform, has historically discouraged marriage. He notes that “welfare assistance went to mothers so long as no male was boarding in the household… Marriage to an employed male, even one earning the minimum wage, placed at risk a mother’s economic well-being.”

    As ideas are debated, the facts remain that ordinary people want to feel safe in their communities. According to journalist Rav Arora,“Though progressives often assume otherwise, we don’t have a comprehensive, scalable program or intervention to effectively contain and rehabilitate felons. While increasing high school graduation rates and utilizing cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) programs, for example, have shown great promise in helping reduce rates of criminal offending, they cannot yet effectively deter violent crime the way law enforcement is equipped to. For all its many flaws, the police and prison system remains the only currently available means to protect society from the worst forms of victimization.”

    What Is the Solution?

    If neither the liberal nor conservative approaches are stopping crime effectively, how can the problem be solved? One interesting example of crime-ridden neighborhoods being turned around happened in Chicago in the 1980s. An article by Armstrong Williams, “The Nation of Islam Could be Chicago’s Savior,” asserts, “Security firms affiliated with the Nation of Islam began informally patrolling communities beset by violence in the late 1980s, and proved quite effective in several cities — including Washington, D.C., Baltimore and Chicago. The basis of their presence was to establish respect among the community and serve as a presence teaching young men how to carry themselves with dignity. A largely unarmed force, they were able to achieve consistent and dramatic reductions in violent crime in the neighborhoods they patrolled.”

    A similar approach has reduced crime significantly in places like Camden, New Jersey. The city initiated reforms in 2012 which required all police officers to interact with respect and caring with residents of the communities they patrolled, often on foot. Officers were trained to see themselves as “guardians, not warriors … our objective is to bridge the gap with residents and work with them as partners,” said Police Chief Gabriel Rodriguez. The prosecutor in Camden echoed that approach, stating that his office “works to build community trust through outreach efforts,” that they want the people to know that they “do not exist simply to put people in jail.”

    No doubt, reform is needed. At the same time, as long as there are violent offenders in the streets, there is still a need for a criminal justice system to serve as protectors of innocents and act as a deterrent to crime.

    When Islam was introduced to corrupt and idol-worshipping Makkaa, it was seen as strange and disruptive of social norms. It called for widespread changes in behavior and the social order, and when fully implemented in Madinah, it achieved a community where people cared about one another, held themselves accountable, and remembered God in their speech and actions. This created an environment of peace and well-being. If Islam could be understood and applied in poor, middle-class, and wealthy neighborhoods, it could transform hearts and minds and lead to lasting, revolutionary change. Then we might elect political leaders who genuinely think and speak and act as servants of the people. The wealthy might see themselves as patrons of the common good, and all men and women could join hands as brothers and sisters in faith.

  • World Hijab Day: Modesty Is Not the Opposite of Freedom

    World Hijab Day: Modesty Is Not the Opposite of Freedom

    Non-Muslims often use the word “oppressed” to describe Muslim women. It is such a ubiquitous term that you will find right-wing Islamophobes, left-wing social justice warriors, and average people applying it regularly, as if it is a de facto aspect of being a Muslim female. The people who use this terminology usually do not know anything about Islam, nor have they asked a single Muslim woman how she feels about her religion and her wardrobe.

    The word “oppressed” carries a lot of weight. It implies that Muslim women are perpetual victims without agency or choice; that they are coerced or brainwashed into following their faith; that they are inherently different from the rest of women, who are assumed to be liberated; that there is some sinister power forcing them into submission; that Muslim women are prevented from living a full life.

    If they bothered to ask Muslim women why they cover their hair and body, people would find that the vast majority do so willingly, as a wayof practicing their faith and obeying their Creator. Far from being imposed on women by nations or governments, the Islamic dress code is currently only mandated in three nations– Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, and Iran. In the rest of the world, including Muslim-majority nations, the Islamic headscarf is optional or even illegal. In some countries like Tunisia and Turkey, where Islam is the predominant religion, women still had to fight for the right to wear a headscarf in public because it had been banned in all state institutions and government facilities. There are rules explicitly prohibiting Muslim women from wearing outward signs of their religious beliefs in France and Belgium, where Islam is the second most widely professed religion. So, for women who choose to dress in accordance with Islamic guidelines, it is a decision that they make freely and, in fact, courageously.

    Modest or Revealing Attire: Which Is Liberating?

    Interestingly, the term “oppressed” is almost always applied only to the Muslim women who choose to cover their hair. Those who do not are very rarely characterized as being oppressed. Even if they follow all the other tenets of Islam (praying, fasting, striving for a wholesome character, avoiding pork and alcohol, etc.) but leave their hair exposed, these women are much more likely to be considered “modern” or “liberated” because they look more like the non-Muslim women around them. But why has covering one’s body, and particularly one’s hair, been equated with oppression, while revealing them is considered liberating and progressive?

    On the most basic level, many non-Muslims simply assume that modest Islamic attire is limiting – that it prevents women from living a full life because it is too bulky or restrictive. They doubt that Muslim women can do things like play sports, fulfill their job requirements, and function in the real world while wearing modest clothing. They are unaware of, or possibly ignore, thousands of examples of successful Muslim athletes, professionals, world leaders, and activists who pursue their interests and careers while modestly dressed. Instead, they point to extreme and isolated examples, like burqa-wearing women living under Taliban rule. Choosing an extreme example and ignoring the reality of millions of women is a very common tactic. This article on seeker.com, called “Life behind the burqa in Afghanistan” is typical of mainstream media:“Afghanistan was once seen as a fairly progressive country for women’s rights. According to Amnesty International, in the 1970’s, Afghan women not only went out in public without covering their heads, they also wore short skirts and high heels. They dressed quite similarly to women in western countries.”

    Let’s look at what the author is doing in this paragraph. She is assuming that short skirts + high heels + western countries = progressive. And clearly, in her mind, “progressive” here means something good, liberal, and enlightened. This is the narrative that most people believe, and few bother to question it or think too deeply about it. It is rooted in ethnocentric ideas, ignorance, and arrogance.

    Is it more liberating to wear short skirts and high heels? Most of us in the West have been programmed to think that. But why do the majority of women dress the way they do? Is it because they truly long to wear impractical shoes that force their feet at an unnatural angle and pull muscles and joints out of alignment? Is it because they love to spend their life chasing the elusive dream of a perfect, bikini- or miniskirt-worthy body that has no excess fat or signs of aging or imperfection?

    When women’s clothing is designed to reveal their bodies, and society simultaneously promotes unrealistic ideals of female beauty, making a woman’s physical appearance her most salient characteristic, it is a perfect storm. Women will feel compelled to wear those fashionable styles – no matter how impractical– and will invest a great deal of time, money, and energy into molding and manipulating their body to fit the ideal. Preying on women’s insecurities and making them feel never quite attractive enough is a multi-billion-dollar global industry. Hair products, makeup, cosmetic surgery, diet pills, supplements, and weight loss programs are all part of the system that shackles women to the idea that their worth is tied to their outward appearance. If women didn’t care so much about how they look in revealing clothing, it would cause a monumental, earth-shattering financial upheaval.

    Who Is Brainwashed?

    Non-Muslims sometimes accuse modestly dressed Muslim women of being brainwashed. Perhaps they should consider whether they themselves are brainwashed by a sick global mentality that regularly exploits women’s bodies, focuses on their physique rather than their minds and souls, objectifies the female form, and makes women slaves to an unattainable version of female physical perfection.

    Muslim women who choose to dress modestly believe they are following the commandment of God. Their motivation is to make their soul their first priority and to privatize their body, making it inaccessible to public scrutiny. For most Muslim women, therefore, modest clothing is indeed liberating.

    Whether we realize it or not, we are all slaves to something. There is always at least one force that influences our actions and motivates our behavior. Most people’s primary goal is to be seen as fashionable, or beautiful, or popular, or wealthy, or admired. For many women, the desire to be considered attractive above all else has been programmed into them since childhood. But a person cannot be liberated until they willingly choose what they submit to. Muslim women choose to submit to God and His commandments. Whether or not those rules correspond to society’s current trends does not matter to the devout Muslim because man-made beliefs are inherently inferior to divine decree.

    Muslim women are not trying to force non-Muslims to dress modestly or to think the way we do. We simply want the right to dress according to our own religious beliefs, and to do so safely and with dignity. Ignorant people will undoubtedly continue calling us “oppressed.” But whether society chooses to recognize our agency, competence, and free will is irrelevant because our true liberation lies in our indifference to the whims of the world.

  • A Weighty Subject

    A Weighty Subject

    “You’ve gained a lot of weight!” Those are usually the first words out of Bilal’s relatives’ mouths. A native of Morocco, Bilal (pseudonym) knows that when he visits his homeland, his siblings, cousins, and other family members will mention his body size, usually within seconds of seeing him. Some will call him “chubby” while jovially patting his stomach. Others will offer unsolicited advice about how to lose the extra pounds. Neveen, who lives in the U.S. but is originally from Egypt, has a similar experience. “My cousins and aunts back home always made me feel embarrassed,” she says. “They’re all thin. They say things like, ‘You’d be so attractive if you lost weight.’”

    Bilal and Neveen are not alone. In many cultures it is considered acceptable to openly discuss people’s weight gain or loss. All around the world, Muslims (and non-Muslims) offer unsought advice on how to get slimmer (or perhaps curvier, depending on the speaker’s preferences). The critiques on body size are often delivered publicly, with no attempt to phrase them diplomatically or quietly. Is this kind of frank, open discussion of others’ body size positive or negative?

    Two Camps

    When it comes to speaking freely about other people’s weight, there are two mindsets: those who think discussing it openly is a good thing, and those who wish others would zip their lips. Isra Hashmy, a board-certified nurse practitioner who grew up in the U.S., is in “camp pro-discussion.” She says, “American culture is far more obsessed [than Muslim-majority countries], in a negative way, with weight. It’s a billion-dollar industry to lose weight, be stick-thin, and fat-shame. Openly talking about weight normalizes it.”

    Emily Sutcliffe, an American whose husband is from Egypt, tends to agree. “In Egypt, people comment openly about weight because it’s not a taboo subject and people’s self worth isn’t nearly as tied to their weight as it is here [in the U.S.]. I don’t think Middle Eastern cultures are necessarily weight-obsessed compared to Western cultures. I think they’re just more open and direct about weight. If a society doesn’t teach us to be ashamed of our weight, height, skin color, etc. then someone commenting on this matter wouldn’t be too controversial.” Perhaps there is a strong case for addressing weight head-on. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), “worldwide obesity has nearly tripled since 1975.” The most recent data available from WHO reveals that 9 of the 20 most obese countries on earth are Muslim-majority nations. Maybe we all need to face the stark reality that obesity is an increasing problem that can have serious health ramifications. Perhaps instead of tiptoeing around the topic of weight, we should talk about it openly and remind each other of the importance of moderation and personal accountability.

    However, there are valid arguments against commenting on or discussing another person’s weight, especially in front of others. Many people find comments about body size to be offensive and inappropriate. Stephanie Siam, an American who has traveled extensively in the Middle East and currently lives in the United Arab Emirates says, “A fixation of weight has been common in every Arab culture I’ve been around. I think it’s meant to demean the person being addressed. [Arabs] tend to look toward the fake, plasticized, Hollywood-presentable women as ideals of womanhood, despite the women in their culture being much more ‘soft around the edges.’” She adds, “My daughter’s father is from Palestine, and it is very common in their culture to make negative comments toward women and children related to weight. The most infuriating part is that they poke fun out of one side of their mouth and then buy junk food and sweets.” Neveen agrees. “In my experience, it’s very common in Egypt to say, ‘You’ve gained a lot of weight, you really need to lose.” She adds, “I’ve found it offensive.”

    Fat Shaming

    When are comments helpful, and when are they harmful? Many people think that pointing out a person’s weight gain will inspire them to make better decisions. Some believe that poking fun at someone’s body size is harmless and perhaps even helpful if it makes the person feel a little ashamed and therefore eager to make changes. Unfortunately, the opposite is usually true. According to an article on the website healthline, “Fat shaming involves criticizing and harassing overweight people about their weight or eating habits to make them feel ashamed of themselves.” The article goes on to explain, “However, scientific evidence confirms that nothing could be further from the truth. Instead of motivating people, fat shaming makes them feel terrible about themselves, causing them to eat more and gain more weight.”

    But what if your intention is not to shame them, but to advise them? What if your culture doesn’t consider weight to be a taboo subject? What if you don’t like being told what you can and can’t discuss with family and friends?

    Islamic Stance

    As always, we should not look to our own feelings about the issue, or our culture’s tendencies. We should look to the Qur’an and Sunnah to see what the appropriate response is. In Islam there is proper etiquette for giving advice. Some of the many considerations we should take into account are the following: we should make sure that we are being sincere and trying to please Allah SWT; we should want the best for our brother or sister; we should examine our true motivations for giving advice; we must never put the other person down or shame him or her; we should base our advice on principles of fairness and decency and what is appropriate to the situation; we should give advice in private, especially if it is a personal or sensitive matter; and, very importantly, we should practice what we preach.

    If we are ever tempted to tease someone about their weight, we would be wise to remember these verses of the Qur’an:

    “O you who believe, let not a people ridicule [other] people; perhaps they may be better than them; nor let women ridicule [other] women; perhaps they may be better than them. And do not insult one another and do not call each other by [offensive] nicknames. Wretched is the name of disobedience after faith. And whoever does not repent – then it is those who are the wrongdoers” (49:11).

  • ‘Like Holding a Burning Coal’

    ‘Like Holding a Burning Coal’

    For this article, five Muslim mothers confided in me, sharing their concerns, frustrations, and wishes with regards to their children’s practice of Islam. Most chose to remain anonymous, and so their names have been changed. However, their examples are real, and many parents will relate to their stories.

    Amina and her husband are practicing, enthusiastic Muslims who raised their children to pray five times a day. Since their kids were little, they have consistently worshipped together as a family and tried to make salat a positive experience. Nevertheless, to her frustration, Amina’s teenage sons are frequently lazy about making wudhu and performing their prayers. They even lie, sometimes, when questioned about it.

    Although she loves Islam deeply and has tried to instill that love in her children, Marwa is facing parenting challenges. Prayer is a constant struggle for one of her teenage daughters, yet the teen refuses to attend any Islamic classes or workshops. With Marwa’s other daughter, the argument that skinny jeans are not proper Islamic attire is an ongoing battle.

    Ayat and her husband are knowledgeable and sincere about their deen. They have always striven to raise pious children, but both of their adolescent daughters resist wearing hijab. Ayat and her husband caught their 10-year-old son searching for indecent images of women online, and their 13-year-old son had a secret girlfriend with whom he was communicating on an unauthorized device.

    These are all earnest Muslim parents who have tried their best to raise their children well. They not only “talk the talk” by teaching their children about their faith, taking them to Islamic classes and activities, and making the masjid a regular part of their life, but they also “walk the walk” by following Islamic guidelines and leading by example. Nevertheless, their children are wandering off as-serat al-mustaqim, the straight path.

    Unfortunately, this is a common occurrence. Ask any modern-day Muslim parent what one of their main challenges is, and they will almost certainly tell you it is raising their children to practice their deen fully and willingly. Even those adults who practice Islam diligently and try to model excellent Islamic character can find themselves confused and frustrated with children who rebel against the Islamic morals and regulations they were raised to adhere to.

    It appears that we are living in the time that the Prophet (s) predicted when he said, “There will come a time when holding on to your religion will be like holding burning coal” (Sunan At-Tirmidhi). Even while so many Muslim parents find themselves in a similar, heartbreaking predicament, most are unwilling to discuss it. They fear judgment and condemnation by the community and wish to protect their children — and themselves — from scrutiny.

    The Problems and Their Causes

    The main difficulties parents are seeing with their children today involve a lack of dedication to the five daily prayers, disinterest in learning about their faith, noncompliance with Islamic dress code, the desire to date, and viewing inappropriate online material. There are undoubtedly other issues, but those themes arose over and over in the interviews.

    While child rearing has always been difficult, life in the twenty-first century is particularly daunting. With technology that brings the whole world to their fingertips, today’s youth have easy and often unfiltered access to unlimited material, too much of which is inappropriate and unconducive to an Islamic lifestyle. Throughout history, most parents have had to contend with issues of peer pressure, hormones, and a certain amount of adolescent rebellion, but nowadays Muslim moms and dads also have to cope with the pitfalls of social media, rampant mental health issues, online pornography, and the glorification of lifestyles that Islam does not condone.

    Carissa is a mom in the United States who is trying to raise her children to be practicing Muslims, but it is a struggle. “Living in the States and being exposed to so much that is not reflective of Islam is hard and does not promote practice,” she says. “When I compare how my husband grew up, learning about Islam every day in school, along with knowing Arabic, it’s difficult to see how my children are growing up. I feel they are losing so much.”

    Aya adds, “The environment is very powerful. Media especially. We are letting movies, shows and social media raise our kids then trying to throw them in an Islamic school or Sunday school to fix them or keep them safe. These media are designed very powerfully with full knowledge of human neuropsychology and biology. They are created to be hard to resist and to hook us and shape our minds and behaviors. I don’t think enough of us realize that truth, and we are in actuality seeing the results of kids raised by the media, not by our tarbiyah. We are too busy on our phones, running around, cooking, chores, etc., and the little time we do spend is not enough to overcome the sheer quantity and quality of the media they consume.”

    In Marwa’s opinion, there might be a deeper issue at hand. “Sometimes,” she says, “kids’ rebellion and lack of interest in practicing Islam has nothing to do with Islam itself; it could be an underlying mental health struggle or depression that we are not picking up on.” She advises fellow parents, “Please, please keep the door of communication open, and allow them to seek help when they need it.”

    Do Parents Feel Comfortable Talking with Other Muslims About this Problem?

    “I do not feel comfortable for fear of being judged by others,” answers Marwa. “I do talk to select people who have genuine love and concern for our family, but in general I do not discuss with others. Unfortunately, as a community we are very judgmental, and that is one of the causes of our kids’ rebellion. They feel more comfortable discussing their issues in a circle at school than with community members.”

    Ayat agrees. “I imagine the community at large would be unduly judgmental and maybe stigmatize the kids when they are only beginning to form who they will be and still have the chance to change for the better,” she states.

    Amina feels differently. She reports, “I absolutely feel comfortable talking about these issues. Working together to address these issues in our communities will strengthen our Umma. Hiding things doesn’t make them go away. I do think the Muslim community is changing with the tide. We are all parents and can understand the challenges we all face. I think when given the opportunity, we are more supportive than we believe is possible. Mostly our own fears and insecurities keep us from sharing our struggles.”

    What Kinds of Help and Resources Are Needed?

    According to the moms I interviewed, Muslim communities need to invest in more and better classes for the youth. Also, community leaders and mentors who work with kids need to be up to date with modern issues and know how to approach tough topics with tact and healthy communication.

    “I wish our local mosques had more specific classes geared toward educating kids about Islam and Islamic manners,” says Carissa. “I would hope they would give me encouragement that kids growing up in the States can be good Muslims, despite not being surrounded by it.”

    Marwa adds, “I wish the community were more educated on the importance of having open discussions with our youth and not shying away from taboo subjects. This is a major problem in our community, and the youth are so lost trying to navigate being Muslim in the public school system without proper Muslim mentorship. We need leaders in our community who are equipped to address the youth, can speak to them at their level and who are familiar with —and not afraid of —talking about ‘stuff.’ We also need Muslim mental health experts who are available to our youth to help them process their thoughts and feelings. I am seeing an improvement in this area but there is still so much need for resources in the Muslim mental health field. We also need our leaders to speak more openly to parents and have hard conversations. We cannot solve a problem that we do not acknowledge we have.”

    Aya would like to see “Better-run Islamic events for kids. We tried multiple schools, camps, halaqas, etc. but they were never very well done. [They were] boring for kids, alienating, unprofessional, unaware of modern culture and issues, and too focused on fear.” She adds, “The kids in the group were even worse than public-school kids and my own kids in many ways, like trying hard to be bad, as if to imitate the worst non-Muslims. I wish there was a really positive environment, especially for boys with men as role models and leaders. One problem I believe is the lack of good Muslim men willing to invest in the next generation.” Amina says, “I wish we had more opportunities for mentoring kids. We should create more social initiatives so kids can form bonds with others they trust and admire.”

    Those of us who are active in the masjid should take these suggestions to heart. Sometimes it takes just one person to spearhead a movement that makes a significant, positive impact on many people. And, while it is easy for us to complain about a lack of suitable classes and activities for Muslim youth, we must also ask ourselves why we aren’t doing anything about it. Perhaps we are the ones who need to volunteer for our children and their friends, whether by teaching a class, chaperoning weekly outings, forming a parents’ group to discuss issues and brainstorm together, or mentoring.

    Other Proposals

    Nadia moved to Egypt, and her experience there has influenced the way she raises her children. She suggests, “I would highly highly encourage Muslims to move overseas and find a place which works for them. I think this is largely left unsaid because many people who moved to certain countries had bad experiences, but alhamdulilah the earth is vast. And there are so many places to raise children that can yield much better results than we are currently seeing in the West. With the same amount of effort we put in the West, it is much easier to have much better outcomes in terms of a much more integrated Islamic identity for the children. They are simply not as exposed to much of the filth and ideas that are easily accessible in the West. Of course, bad exists everywhere but the relative difference is still big. There is a factor of a healthy level of guilt that exists in Muslim societies that really does become part of the psyche. Also, there are cultural factors that come into play that minimize the harms of exposure to failed ideas.”

    Marwa advises, “Dua is the most powerful way to make any difference, and Allah knows best. For the younger children, rewards and praying together as a family helps a lot. A strong foundation will help them navigate their way back to Allah, it will take time for them to see this for themselves.”

    Aya believes “…this is part of our test of life. We love our kids so much. We want the best for them and we don’t want to lose them. But ultimately, they belong to Allah, and Allah knows if there is any good in them and He is the Guide who will guide them if there is. But it’s a desire of ours that we want our kids to be successful. We wish to be with them forever in Jannah. I wish the community would not be judgmental. Allah is the judge. What we need from the community is love, the love of the fraternity of Islam, and nurturing. And honestly, we need more people being good examples of our deen when it comes to mercy, teaching, and cultivating goodness.

    From these sisters’ experiences, we can draw some conclusions:
    •  We should not judge people harshly, even if we believe their children are not practicing up to our standards, and even if we think the parents are making mistakes. Many moms and dads are trying their best. Some might not be, but Allah SWT is the judge — not we humans who cannot see the whole picture. Insha’Allah, the misguided children will turn back to the straight path. We should approach the topic of rebellious kids with optimism, dua, support, and a complete rejection of backbiting or gossip. After all, we cannot guarantee that our own children will never make a public mistake or lapse in their adherence to Islam. How would we want them to be treated?

    Not a single soul is completely immune to the chance of misguidance, and so we should constantly ask Allah SWT to keep us on the straight path and never become complacent or arrogant. In light of this, the Prophet (s) taught us this dua: “O turner of the hearts, keep our hearts firm on your religion.”

    •  Our youth need more inspiration, supervision, and quality attention from their parents and other community members. It is up to each of us to figure out how to orchestrate that. It might mean much tighter supervision of technology and social media use. It could entail putting greater effort into cultivating friendships with like-minded Muslim families or increasing our own knowledge of Islam so that we can be effective teachers for our children. Our love, attention and attempts at genuine connection with them are powerful tools. Also, the power of a parent’s dua for their child cannot be overestimated.

    •  Whatever efforts we make, we should remember that the Prophet (s) said, “Allah says: ‘I am just as My slave thinks I am, and I am with him if He remembers Me. If he remembers Me in himself, I too, remember him in Myself; and if he remembers Me in a group of people, I remember him in a group that is better than they; and if he comes one span nearer to Me, I go one cubit nearer to him; and if he comes one cubit nearer to Me, I go a distance of two outstretched arms nearer to him; and if he comes to Me walking, I go to him running.’” Therefore, even if we take baby steps towards progress, Allah SWT will reward and increase our efforts, insha’Allah, and magnify them.

  • Homeschooling: Benefits, Challenges, and Practical Tips

    Homeschooling: Benefits, Challenges, and Practical Tips

    Providing an education for their children is one of parents’ most crucial tasks. Muslims, in particular, have always stressed the importance of learning. Our beloved Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “The seeking of knowledge is obligatory for every Muslim” (Al-Tarmidhi) and “Whoever follows a path in pursuit of knowledge, Allah will make easy for him a path to Paradise” (Abu Hurairah).

    There are a variety of educational options these days for families around the world, including public, private, and religious institutions. Homeschooling is another avenue that appeals to a growing number of families, but it is frequently misunderstood by people who have never tried it.

    What Is Homeschooling?

    Simply put, homeschooling is learning outside of the public or private school environment. The term “homeschooling” can be misleading, though. While teaching and learning can certainly occur at home, lessons often take place outside of it, through classes, field trips, volunteer work, sports teams, clubs, internships, and everyday interactions.

    Homeschooling parents are diverse and have unique approaches to education, but they tend to share some common threads. They often place less emphasis on the traditional trappings associated with school such as worksheets, tests, grade levels, traditional curriculum, and seat work. Instead, they often focus on hands-on projects, real-life applications, and lessons that are tailored to students’ abilities, interests, and passions. There are as many ways to homeschool as there are homeschooling families, as each can customize their learning experience to fit their needs.

    Some families choose to homeschool without help or input from their local school district. They declare themselves independent entities and enjoy a great deal of latitude but also forgo any government funding, supervision, or guidance. Other homeschoolers work closely with their school district or even enroll in a public charter school while orchestrating much of their own curriculum and lesson planning. In this scenario, the children are technically public-school students and therefore might receive varying levels of financial support, curriculum, supplies, and supervision from the school district, depending on the local regulations.

    Different states in the U.S. have different rules for homeschooling. Depending on where they live, families will find either a fair amount of support, autonomy, and resources for homeschooling (such as in California and Alaska) or varying levels of skepticism, red tape, and stringent requirements (like the states mentioned in this article).

    Worldwide, this approach to education is most common in the U.S., where around 2.5 million citizens identify as homeschoolers, but Australia, New Zealand, the United Kingdom, and Canada also have significant numbers. In many countries, homeschooling is illegal.

    Why Homeschool?

    Families choose to homeschool for a variety of reasons, but one of the most common motivations is the ability to customize a child’s educational experience. “My son is pretty anxious and couldn’t stand school,” explains Salma (her name has been changed), who has homeschooled her two children in Maryland for four years. “He was really miserable. [Homeschooling] has really helped with his anxiety and confidence. Also, he was really struggling with some subjects, while excelling at others. With homeschooling, I was able to give extra attention to subjects when needed, without holding him back in the subjects he was advanced in.”

    “Also,” she continues, “picking our own curriculum is a huge plus. We get to find things that he likes and spend more time studying topics that interest him. And with subjects like social studies, I am very particular. I don’t have to worry about him getting a white-washed history.”

    Another reason families homeschool is to provide a safe environment. As Nedda, a homeschooling parent who lives in California explains, “Our family chose homeschooling for these following reasons: covert racism, bullying, and the general culture of the junior high school that one of my children was about to attend after graduating from the sixth grade.”

    Many Muslims prefer for their children to grow up in a wholesome environment and to surround them with like-minded people rather than enroll them in schools where peer pressure and questionable morals are rampant.

    What Are the Other Benefits?

    Parents who homeschool are often very enthusiastic about their choice because they see firsthand the positive repercussions of taking their children’s education into their own hands. Ayat, a mom who has been homeschooling for five years in California, explains, “I love that homeschooling allows you to make learning a way of life and not just part of your life that has a start and end time. It removes the peer pressure and allows the kids to thrive and be who they are without thinking too much about what the friends around them would think about their actions. It allows the kids to know that learning is not about just earning a grade; it is about learning something new.”

    “The ability of children to be themselves, develop their own personality, practice religion without bullying, and avoid covert racism by teachers and other students all help them focus on education and learning,” says Nedda. “A bonus benefit is traveling abroad and learning through a whole different level of field trips!”

    “Being in America,” adds Salma, “Homeschooling provides relief from the constant worry of violence in schools, whether it be bullying or school shootings.”

    What Are the Challenges?

    While homeschooling has many benefits, like anything else, it also has its challenges. Ayat believes the biggest obstacle of homeschooling is “the time commitment.” She explains, “Homeschooling is a privilege that not everyone can do. There are single-parent families and the parent needs to go to work. They cannot afford to homeschool their kids.”

    Nedda points out that parents don’t always have the expertise to teach their children certain topics. “A parent is not always able or qualified to push their children at home through a challenging subject like algebra,” she says. For this reason, many homeschoolers outsource some of their child’s subjects to tutors, online courses, or outside classes geared toward nontraditional students. This can be expensive, though, so families considering homeschooling must factor in the costs of seeking outside educational resources, if necessary.

    For Salma, the biggest challenge is in her own mind. “I think my biggest struggle is self-doubt or mom guilt,” she says. “Am I doing enough? Are they thriving? Are they missing out on anything?” Ayat agrees that parents’ insecurities can be an obstacle. “I feel another challenge for the homeschooling parent is to separate between the success of their children and their own success,” she says. “Sometimes we as homeschooling parents think that for us to be successful, our kids must succeed.”

    How Does Homeschooling Affect a Child’s Islamic Education?

    “I think homeschooling helped shelter [my son] from common difficult behaviors and issues in his age group,” shares Salma. “He doesn’t see rebelling, disrespect, foul language, being mean to others, etc. as the norm. Teaching your kids at home and providing them with as good an environment as you can really helps, especially in a society where beliefs and ideas that don’t align with our own are being shoved down our throats, so to speak. I feel like homeschooling kind of strengthens their confidence in their beliefs and the way they were raised.”

    Nedda states, “During the various development stages, it is critical that parents role model Muslim behavior.” She adds, “It is later on in life that children will have to integrate into the general culture of American society, but at the delicate phases of self-development, it is important that children are not subjected to racism, bullying, and a negative atmosphere.”

    What Are Some Tips for Parents Who Are Considering Homeschooling?

    The seasoned homeschoolers I interviewed had some helpful hints for those who are just embarking on the journey. “Reach out to a local homeschooling program and do not burden yourself by homeschooling independently,” advises Nedda. “For example, in my area, not only did the local school district have an independent study program, but the county department of education offered an impeccable program with paraeducators, a homeschool physical site/center, reading comprehension and literature programs, field trips with other like-minded homeschool families from other faiths, a student council/government body for junior high homeschoolers, and more.”

    “Find your people,” advises Salma. “Those who will encourage you and help you and advise you. Homeschooling can be overwhelming, especially at first. Join online and/or in-person homeschooling groups and forums. There a Muslim Homeschooling Support Group on Facebook. There are county- and state-specific homeschool groups.” She adds, “And don’t worry about your kids’ social lives. There are so many wonderful resources and activities available.” Ayat offers this advice to fellow parents: “It is okay if you feel stressed sometimes, we all do. It is okay when you always doubt the outcome and you are not sure if you made the right decision or not. Just make lots of duaa. Try to learn while your kids are learning. Do something for yourself and make sure you have your own time to study, work, work out, or just anything you want to do for yourself.”

    Homeschooling can be a wonderful fit for families who have the desire and ability to customize their child’s education. For Muslim families who wish to instill Islamic values and teach subjects through the lens of the Qur’an and sunnah, it can be an invaluable learning opportunity for parents and children alike. As the popularity of homeschooling grows, the resources and information for it are ever-increasing, so families who are intrigued by homeschooling have a wealth of support and inspiration at their fingertips. If done for the sake of Allah, homeschooling might be the most meaningful contribution parents can make to their child’s development.