The Message International » Marriage, Intimacy Related Questions

Marriage, Intimacy Related Questions

December 27, 2010 Counseling, Interviews, Shahid Athar Intimacy Marriage Questions Related Sex

Twenty years ago when my children were growing up, living in American society, I realized the need for appropriate Islamic sex education for Muslim youth and parents. I wrote an article on this topic. At that time, and even now to some degree, “sex” was considered by some Muslims to be a dirty word. Thus my article was rejected by nearly all the American Muslim magazines, and their explanation was “We are not ready for it”. Finally the Journal of the Islamic Medical Association (JIMA) published it. Then I edited and published the book Sex Education for Muslim Youth and Parents (1994- Kazi). Although conservative Muslims consider sex a taboo subject and avoid talking about it, young Muslim men and women frequently ask me questions regarding sex and marriage via email.

Here are some of those questions, which have been left unedited, and my responses (these should be taken as my personal opinion and not a fatwa as I am not a mufti but a physician; readers may or may not agree with my opinion – and Allah SWT knows best.)

Q I am 28 year old and getting married in 3 months. I like to know what is permissible islamically and what is not in matters of sex after marriage?

A Sex is an expression of love. All acts of sex between husband and wife are permissible with mutual consent except anal sex, sex during menstruation and sex out side marriage. There are no laws about sexual positions. It is up to a couple to decide what pleases and satisfies them.

Q Are husband and wife allowed to look at and touch each other’s private parts or should they do it under cover in the darkness?

A Modesty (haya) is part of the Islamic faith. It is preferable that a couple protect each other’s privacy. Nudity even in front of husband or wife is not encouraged. However, what spouses do behind closed doors is up to them. To my knowledge, Prophet (pbuh) used to cover when in private relationship with his wives.

Q Is oral sex permitted in Islam? (This is the most frequently asked question.)

A Oral sex is neither forbidden nor encouraged but falls into a gray area. It is up to husband and his wife to mutually agree to it making sure organs are clean and disease free. What appears to be normal to non-Muslims may not be good for Muslims.

Q What should be the frequency of sex? It appears my husband wants sex every day and I don’t.

A This is a common complaint. There is no hard rule. In the first year of marriage a couple may have sex daily. After that it may be a couple times a week or a couple times a month. It has to do with the mutual desire for each other. Islam does not permit forced sex or marital rape.

Q We have a 3 month infant. While the baby nurses on my breast, my husband wants to nurse on my other breast. Is this allowed in Islam?

A NO. If he does that, this act will nullify his marriage to you.

Q We are engaged. Our marriage is planned after 6 month. During this period, is it permissible that we go out to Movie Theater together, hold hands or kiss each other?

A No. You two should not be alone together. If you go out, maybe you can have another family member with you. No holding hands or kissing before marriage. You will have plenty of time to show your affection after marriage.

Q Is masturbation allowed in Islam? (a frequently asked question)

A Masturbation falls in the category of makrooh (detestable). Some scholars have allowed it for young single Muslim men living in a non-Muslim society to prevent falling into temptation of adultery.

Q Is watching porn OK between husband and wife?

A NO. The same concept of haya applies here. Remember, the woman and man who are nude and performing lewd acts in these movies (for money) are someone else’s sister, brother or wife. Do you wish your sister, brother or wife to be seen like this by others? Treat others as you wish to be treated.

Q Is it OK to take Viagra or Cialis to improve my sexual performance?

A Please refer to my article “Sex, Viagra and Islam” available on line at www.islam-usa.com . If you have ED (erectile dysfunction) you should see your doctor (an internist, an endocrinologist or a urologist) to find the cause. Indiscriminate use of such drugs may damage your health and may not be effective if you have hormone deficiency or pituitary tumor.

Q We just got married. Both of us are still college students and want to delay having children till we graduate. Is contraception allowed in Islam?

A Delaying pregnancy and family spacing is allowed in Islam. In fact Imam Ghazali has cited several reasons for this including preserving the health and beauty of the wife. However certain criteria have to be met to be allowed to do so.

The contraceptive should not lead to abortion, should be by mutual consent, and it should not be irreversible. Thus tubal ligation, vasectomy, IUD and the morning after pill are not allowed. Using a condom or the withdrawal method is permissible. Oral contraceptives (pill) may be permissible if no other medical contraindication is present as they prevent the formation of a zygote (egg) rather than cause the expulsion of it.

I seek Allah’s protection and forgiveness from misleading and being misled.

by Shahid Athar

Marriage of Muslim Girls (and Boys) in America

About the author

Dr. Shahid Athar had written 3 articles for The Message International

Shahid Athar, MD, FACP, FACE is a physician (endocrinologist) in private practice and on the faculty of Indiana University School of Medicine (sathar3624@aol.com).

http://twitter.com/azee1v1 Azeem Khan

In my opinion these answers need references to Qur’an and Hadith. Yes and No answers don’t really help educate anyone when it comes to Islamic Teachings. You also do not want to leave any doubt in the mind of the reader. There should also have been a warning at the top of the article that the questions and answers may not be suitable for younger audiences. The magazine is consumed by families which may have younger children.
angie

The writer didnt give any back up explanation for his yes or no. Means didnt quote any verses from Quran or Hadith as his sources. I dont believe in anything thats not backed up or validated by Quran or hadiths.
I am glad Allah has given me a mind to question a lot of anwers that are provided here without any explanation for how they come to this conclusion!
http://www.ymsite.com FaizanYM

I agree a warning “for mature audiences” would have been appreciated.
HadithCheck

Assalam Alaikum

There are a few things that are not accurate which I would like to point out to:

Q Are husband and wife allowed to look at and touch each other’s private parts or should they do it under cover in the darkness?

A Modesty (haya) is part of the Islamic faith. It is preferable that a couple protect each other’s privacy. Nudity even in front of husband or wife is not encouraged. However, what spouses do behind closed doors is up to them. To my knowledge, Prophet (pbuh) used to cover when in private relationship with his wives.

The Prophet peace be upon him used to take baths with his wife as Aisha may Allah be pleased with her reported. So there is nothing wrong with a husband and wife touching and looking at each other naked. As for saying that the Prophet peace be upon him used to cover when in private relationship with his wives, then that is not true nor is it found in any authentic hadith.

Q We have a 3 month infant. While the baby nurses on my breast, my husband wants to nurse on my other breast. Is this allowed in Islam?

It is permissible for a man to suck on his wife’s breast, and this does not nullify his marriage to her.

“Oral contraceptives (pill) may be permissible if no other medical contraindication is present as they prevent the formation of a zygote (egg) rather than cause the expulsion of it.”

In some cases, if fertilization does take place, the hormones from the pill will prevent the fertilized egg from implanting in the uterus, so the pill doesn’t prevent pregnancy in the same way all the time.

Isilverstar

Now this question pertains to a lactating woman. Are you suggesting that the woman is now producing milk for the baby and the husband?

Amina

So, If you have a child and you are nursing the child and at the same time adopt another child that is the same age but the oppisite sex and also nurse that child then they are forbidden to each other.
The reason for that is there mothers milk helps build the childs ammunity and bones for the rest of his life and those 2 children have the same foundations if that makes sense.

So, as for the Fathers case, its too late, he is grown and devoloped so….that would be the reason why it shouldnt matter.

I hope this helps clarify the situation.

(We are all learning and should open to listen to each other and communicate efficiently)

Assh2assh

SubhanAllah, people why don’t you guys simply understand. Its been islamically clearly mentioned, Milk of the Nursing mother is Haram (not permissible for the husband) and it nullifies the marriage. The reason is very obvious, a mother nurses the child of her’s and her husband is not her child, so what it does actually making the husband become the child of his wife after sucking or drinking the milk of his wife and thats why it nulifies the relationship. (waAllah o Alam)

S Shaik

Be careful where the topic speaks about breast, as milk is discharged. Read & study this as the doctor /physician only gave their view as a professional. do not condemn the person trying to give guidance, only Allah knows best….
Tahira

The question was “if it was permissible for the husband to “nurse” on his wife’s breast?” There is a big difference between nursing on the breast when there is milk present and sucking on the breast when there is no milk. Sucking may be permissible, but nursing is not.

Abu Musabb

Assalaam ‘O Alaikum.
There is nothing wrong for a doctor responding Fiqh questions in this magazine, if his/her primary focus is NOT the medical profession but Islamic scholarship (like Dr. Israr or Dr. Zakir Naik). The answers are clearly lacking proofs and in some cases wrong, according to many Imams of Fiqh (They may be correct for some).
it is the reponsibility of the Editor.
Mrs.Ashfaqrammay

Its very nice.
I hope you will answer my question.
I am 58 years old and my husband is 60years.
He have the strength of sex and where as I am not .
Please advise me how I can improve my sex to cooperate him.
Mrs.Rammay
Faraz757

Salam,

I have tried to figure this out for so many days but I am unable to find any clear answer.

Q1.
I just wanted to know if this is permissible to drink/suck wife’s milk
if she just gave a birth of my child (3 to 4 months back)?

Q2. My second question is if this is not permissible then why?

Allah Hafiz,
Anonymous

is this person even a scholar to be giving these opinions? some of the answers are not right
http://www.facebook.com/people/Sara-Sultana/527793098 Sara Sultana

Very nice to know,regards,
Hassen Morad

SubhanAllah, how can someone answer fiqh questions like this? Alhadulillah the author’s humility is evident, as he wrote: “these should be taken as my personal opinion and not a fatwa as I am not
a mufti but a physician”

If someone is not a mufti or knowledgeable in fiqh then they have no place giving their “personal opinion” to fiqh questions. I think that should be left to our Imams and Scholars. Maybe we the doctors can enlighten us in other areas.