Author: Saadia Z. Yunus

“When it rains, it really does pour,” she said aloud. “Why do horrible things happen to me?” It was just too easy to think this way, to look around and see that so many people had it better than her. She had lost her job and was finding it difficult to pay the bills. On top of it all, she had been feeling very sick and had no medical insurance to afford a doctor or medication. “Life is just too hard,” she said to herself. Tears streamed down her cheeks. But, just then, she received a text message from a friend. It read, “Call me when you get a chance. I’m going through something and need your amazing advice.” She quickly wiped her tears, paused for a moment, and thought, “She needs advice from me? When I feel as if I have nothing to hold onto? Wow! Maybe I do have something to be thankful for after all.” It was just a simple reminder that helped brighten her perspective for the rest of the day. She smiled as she picked up the phone.

Gratitude— a simple word with a dynamic power in its meaning and application. We often forget to cultivate and practice gratitude, overlooking how life-changing it can be. An attitude of gratitude has the ability to make a harsh reality seem tolerable, giving light to a gloomy disposition and dispelling negative attitudes, thoughts, and feelings with wondrous speed.

Research done by the University of California, Berkeley, has revealed that gratitude leads to a stronger immune system, healthier blood pressure, greater joy, optimism, and sense of overall well-being, acting with more generosity and compassion, and feeling less lonely and isolated (greatergood.berkeley.edu/expanding gratitude/). Participants in the study simply recorded five things they were grateful for each day. This small exercise proved to have enormous benefits. Imagine what a permanent attitude of gratitude can accomplish!

As Muslims, our ultimate gratitude is to Allah (SWT), our Creator and Sustainer who grants us existence and furnishes us with cognitive and emotional faculties, as well as the potential to understand and appreciate their value and benefit.“It is He who brought you forth from the wombs of your mothers when you knew nothing, and He gave you hearing and sight and intelligence and affection so that you may give thanks [to God]” (Quran, 16:78). Allah, our Maker, has given us abundant opportunities, to live and thrive on this earth. From the greatest creative enterprise to the most basic regularity of our beating hearts — all is owed to Him first and foremost. If we forget the elemental requirement of shukr (thankfulness), then we are only doing a disservice to ourselves. If we do not feel gratitude to the Creator, how can we be thankful to anyone else? How can we appreciate the good things in our own selves and in our daily experience?

Not only did Allah (SWT) give us our very lives, He has provided a beautiful world for us to abide in, with countless resources for our use. “And He subjected for you the sun and the moon, continuous [in orbit], and subjected for you the night and the day. And He gave you from all you asked of Him. And if you should count the favor [i.e., blessings] of Allah, you could not enumerate them. Indeed, mankind is [generally] most unjust and ungrateful” (Quran, 14:32-34). All that we have accomplished and all that we possess are due to the bountiful provision of Allah (SWT). We must recognize the powerful concept mentioned in the verse: that we would never be able to even count the blessings Allah has given us. After realizing that Allah’s blessings are fundamental to our existence and endless in their scope, who are we to be heedless and unthankful? That is nothing less than delusion of self-sufficiency.

Fruits of Gratitude

Thanking Allah (SWT) for our blessings seem obvious, but what about thanking Him even in the midst of hardship? This is possible if we remember the following verse: “…and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know” (Qur’an 2: 216).Although a hardship seems far from “something which is good” when we are enduring it, the feeling of gratitude during the difficulty has the power to transform the burden, lighten the load, and provide a perspective that looks beyond the moment’s distress. The test will, thus, be easier to bear, and the negative effects of the difficult situation will be offset by our determination to stay balanced and remain open to valuable lessons and opportunities to augment our God-consciousness.

Yet another fruit of gratitude is the promise of additional blessings. “And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe’ ” (Quran, 14:7). Being grateful to Allah (SWT) will bring additional favors, while being ungrateful calls for Allah’s punishment. We will be asked about each and every gift that we have been given, as to whether or not we thanked Allah sufficiently. Will we be prepared with the right answer?

Cultivating Gratitude

• Fill your day with dhikr of Allah (SWT), particularly alhamdulillah (all praise and thanks belong to Allah alone.
• Write a list at the end of each day of five things to be grateful for; keep a gratitude journal.
• Practice thanking others for the simple things they do for you; write a thank you letter to someone who has impacted your life in a positive way.
• Remember the people who are less fortunate than you, step into their shoes, empathize with their plight, and do something, even if small, to alleviate someone else’s difficulty.
• Read ayaat and ahadith that elaborate Allah’s favors.
• When tough times set in, focus on the positives. Things could be much worse
• Remind yourself often to adopt the attitude of gratitude and smile!

The pain was overwhelming and almost too difficult to endure. He could hear her voice inside his head but was certain that it could not be real because she was gone. He would never see her beautiful brown eyes again, and today’s janaazah was confirmation of that. Warm tears rolled down his stubbly cheeks as he tried to remember the last time he had experienced weeping at all. His heart felt as if it would explode in his chest from the deep sadness within. He succumbed to his emotions, for if he did not, he would be fighting a losing battle. Lying in bed, yearning to forget, he wished he could erase all sense of feeling, physical and emotional, because he was hurting all over. He had just lost his only companion in life in a car accident and the word “grief” did not begin to describe what he was feeling. Would he ever overcome this sadness? Would it be the feeling that would consume him so completely that he would fall into depression? All of these thoughts raced through his mind as he tried to fall asleep in his bed alone without his beautiful wife…

In the scenario described above, some may conclude that the man is depressed and may need to begin using medication. Others may state that, since his situation is temporary, it cannot be labeled as depression. So, what is the answer with regard to this situation and so many others in which a person feels an intense sadness, cries uncontrollably, or just feels down? In this column, I will address the definition of depression and its symptoms as well as tackle possible causes and offer solutions.

Definition and Symptoms

For a formal definition of depression according to psychiatrists, look no further than the DSM-IV, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 4th ed. published by the American Psychiatric Association. In order for a diagnosis to be applied to an individual, at least five symptoms from the list of symptoms must be present during the same two-week period. A few of the symptoms are loss of energy, feelings of hopelessness, changes in appetite, insomnia, and suicidal ideation.

As you can see, there are specific criteria that come together to constitute depression. It is imperative to keep this in mind before labeling yourself or someone else with depression. A persistent sadness alone cannot be described as depression but must be accompanied by other symptoms for a significant period of time. All too often, I hear people claiming that they are depressed or that their teenager is depressed without truly understanding the meaning of the word. Even using the words depressed or depression may lead to a negative state of mind or intensify pessimistic feelings. Furthermore, if you use a word with less severity, such as sad or sadness, it can instill a bit of hope that all is not lost.

Causes

“The moral, ethical, spiritual, psychological decline of the Muslim Ummah is because of their lack of connection to the Quran,” said Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan, who has spoken on the topic of depression and sadness in light of the Quran. He mentioned how the Prophet (S) would at times feel a deep sadness, which is a normal part of life, particularly when difficulty arises. Allah (SWT) says in the Quran, “For indeed, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest” (13: 28). When we turn away from Allah’s remembrance, we will feel agitation in all forms, whether it is sadness, worry, fear, etc. This should be a catalyst for us to return to Allah and His Book.

In addition to the Islamic perspective, if a person is given the diagnosis of depression, questions may arise as to how this came about. Although many offer a psychiatric, psychological, or genetic explanation to this scenario (all of which may ring true), as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I offer a systemic one. As Salvador Minuchin, the founder of Structural Family Therapy stated in his groundbreaking book, Families and Family Therapy, “It is not the (individual) who is depressed, but the entire relationship” (1974). Although one person is manifesting symptoms of depression, there are issues within the relationship, either couple or familial, that are leading to or exacerbating symptoms of depression. A family therapist will meet with the entire family even though one member is experiencing depressive symptoms. By addressing the entire family in the session, the therapist challenges the notion that there is only one patient, but instead suggests that the entire family is the patient.

Treatments

The most effective treatment of depression is to return to the Book of Allah. Allah (SWT) tells us that He is there for us as long as we are in remembrance of Him. For this reason, we must renew our connection to the Book of Allah. However, the key is to hold onto His Book before depression sets in because, oftentimes, when you are in a deep state of hopelessness, it is difficult to even pick up the Quran. Feelings of despair may prevent you from seeking that closeness to Allah (SWT).

This is when a person may need another individual to push him or her out of this state. The most effective treatment of depression is psychotherapy.

Cultivating Optimism

Knowing that Allah’s remembrance brings peace to the heart should propel us to turn to Allah in times of sadness and despair. Without Allah’s light, there will be darkness, but oftentimes the darkness can consume an individual so entirely that it is difficult to see even a glimmer of light. Times like these are tests from Allah (SWT) that may require a professional to help us through them. Knowing that these tests are temporary can bring a person out of this struggle. “Verily, with hardship comes ease. Verily, with hardship comes ease” (Quran, 94:6).

Imagine yourself at the time of the Prophet (S) walking along the streets of Madinah. You are worried, frightened, and have no idea where to turn to. You have an inclination that your husband is cheating; or your wife has been complaining about your financial situation; or your son or daughter is going astray. You are consumed by worry and feel in dire need of help. You want desperately to confide in someone. It takes you just a moment to realize where to go for help—no one is better as a helper than the Prophet (S) himself, the best of counselors.

A question may immediately come to the reader’s mind: How can the Prophet (S) be “the best of counselors” when there is a stigma associated with counseling or therapy in the Muslim world and no one dares to mention the possibility of seeking help from a counselor? The answer is simple when we realize that all the prophets were advisers. Prophet Hud, as recorded in the Qur’an, said, “…and I am a trustworthy adviser to you” (Qur’an 7:68).The Prophet (S) said, “Religion is sound advice….” (Muslim).A therapist or counselor’s job is to listen to the presenting problem, place that issue within a particular mental health/behavioral model, and then advise the client, assisting him or her in understanding and resolving that issue. The Prophet’s model for mental, emotional, behavioral, and spiritual health was Islam, and his way of advising/counseling others was exemplary. In the best tradition and practice of an adept counselor, he helped others find solutions, to gain greater self-awareness, and to acquire the skills needed to resolve their problems. He pointed the way to avenues of relief for their distress. He was a shining light in their darkened world.

There are countless examples that demonstrate the Prophet’s skill of counseling others, but one particular narration stands out. Reported in Ahmad, a young man asked the Prophet (S) if fornication could be made lawful. Without judgment, the Prophet (S) listened to him carefully and asked a few personal questions to allow the man to reflect on the reality and consequences of what he was asking. The Prophet (S) asked him, “Would you like someone to do that to your mother?” The boy said, “No.” He then asked, “Would you like someone to do that to your sister?” Again, the young man replied, “No.” The Prophet (S) further asked, “Would you like someone to do that to your Aunt?” The man answered in the same way. Then, the Prophet (S) placed his hand on the man’s chest and prayed to Allah to help him to remain pure. This narration beautifully illustrates a skillful counselor, one who does not tell the client what to do nor reprimands the client for thinking a certain way, but instead guides him to come to a conclusion on his own.

This narration also points to the fact that the Prophet (S) “individualized his advice to people,” as author Reehab Ramadan states (suhaibwebb.com). He did not have a standard answer for every question but, instead, paid meticulous attention to each individual, listening with sincere and caring focus, considering their intellectual, emotional, and spiritual state and capacity, and then articulated his advice in a way that would help them specifically.

In our communities today, Muslims are experiencing marital problems, parent-child issues, personal challenges such as chronic depression or anxiety, and the more intensive problems such as infidelity, domestic violence, and suicide. We cannot just bury our heads in the sand or live in denial of these serious issues. Although we do not have the Prophet (S) with us, we have other avenues for seeking help. But what is required of us is courage, the kind of courage that it must have taken for the young man in the narration cited above to ask the Prophet (S) his question.

The various sources for advice and help are trained imams, counselors, marriage and family therapists, psychologists, social workers, and others. Although the ideal thing is to go to a Muslim professional in one of these fields, oftentimes, there is none available in one’s local community. In this case, we may have no choice but to seek out a non-Muslim professional. There are those who are familiar with the Islamic tradition and Muslim culture and have had multicultural training and, therefore, can be effective in counseling Muslims. We would not hesitate to visit a non-Muslim oncologist to treat our cancer if there were no Muslim doctor available. We would not just sit and wait and hope that the disease will go away on its own.

Psychological problems can be just as serious and potentially harmful as any physical disease and it is foolish to ignore them. Pretending as if an extramarital affair or a family member’s chronic and debilitating sadness does not exist can lead to dire consequences. The better option when there is no Muslim counselor locally is to look for one who offers sessions by phone or Skype.

This is becoming more common and the internet is a great resource for finding a Muslim counselor who will best understand the religious precepts and cultural traditions that are interwoven into the fabric of the challenges and problems that Muslims face.
Contrary to popular belief, seeking help from a therapist or counselor is not a sign of weakness. Rather it is an indication of strength in courageously and realistically facing one’s issues, and of the determination to live a productive and meaningful life. We know this because of the Prophet (S)’s example. He was available to the people to assist them in solving their problems and resolving conflicts, and he encouraged them to strive to better themselves. We must follow in the footsteps of the people around the Prophet (S) who were not afraid to acknowledge their problems and shortcomings, but were able to face them with the certainty that by reaching out things would get better.