بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

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Aug 26 The Gaza Memorial We Owe Our Children Jun 24 Transforming Your Reality Jun 17 A History of Muslim Americans’ Political Engagement Jun 17 My Brother is Gay: Navigating the Intersection of Religion and Family An interview with Imam Wesley Lebron Jun 10 Islam and the Romans: Early Muslim-Byzantine Interaction May 20 Reclaiming the Sunnah of Adoption and Foster Care: An Interview with Basmah Salam Apr 29 National Poetry Month: An Ode to Faith, Visibility, and the Conversations We Don’t Forget Apr 15 Beyond Ramadan: Taking Its Lessons Farther 

Author: Saadia Z. Yunus

  • Controlling Anger: The Prophet’s Teachings

    Controlling Anger: The Prophet’s Teachings

    He was a gentle soul, someone whom others could turn to in rough times. He was known by all as someone who advised others with wisdom and the best of words. He cared deeply for all people and his mood did not affect the way he treated them; even if he was angry, he dealt with others in a fair and just manner. His words are a testimony to how he led his life. He said, “Keep to gentleness and avoid harshness and coarseness. Gentleness is not found in anything without adorning it, and is not withdrawn from anything without shaming it” (Muslim). This gentle, caring man was none other than Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him.

    With all the conflict going on in the world and the brutality committed by some in the name of Islam, the question arises in people’s minds: What does Islam truly say about anger, violence, and killing? We can take a closer look at the last Messenger of Allah, the torchbearer of an Islamic way of life, to see who he was and what his authentic message conveys.

    Allah (SWT), Himself, describes the Messenger (pbuh) in the Quran: “It is a great mercy of God that you [O Prophet] are gentle and kind towards them; for had you been harsh and hard-hearted, they would indeed have broken away from you” (Quran 3:159). The Prophet was patient, tolerant, and forgiving even when he was being harassed because of the message he proclaimed. His guidelines about war indicate that only actual oppressors and aggressors may be fought. Killing outside of proper Islamic guidelines is prohibited: “…if anyone slays a human being, unless it be [in punishment] for murder or for spreading corruption on earth, it shall be as though he had slain all mankind; whereas, if anyone saves a life, it shall be as though he had saved the lives of all mankind” (Quran 5:32).

    Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, “The best of you are those who are slow to anger and swift to cool down…Beware of anger, for it is a live coal on the heart of the descendants of Adam” (Al-Tirmidhi)

    Yet there are many Muslims today who exhibit a harsh and merciless disposition. The political realities of the world and the social injustices that plague many Muslim societies are very real and require redress. But the Muslims who allow their anger and frustration to push them to the committing of atrocities, including killing civilians, forcing conversions to Islam, destroying houses of worship, and more, are betraying the religious principles invoked as their bedrock of faith and dedication. They have also forsaken the teachings of the man they espouse as the embodiment of wisdom and righteousness.

    The anger that boils up inside a person can lead him to do things he may regret later on. Anger, whether it is due to personal relations or political circumstances, is meant to be regulated. In fact, Allah (SWT) details characteristics of righteous people so that we will try to acquire those traits: “… [those] who spend generously [in the way of Allah], whether they are in prosperity or in adversity, who control their anger and forgive other people, for Allah loves those who do good” (Quran 3:134). While anger is a natural emotion that at times of frustration or annoyance or injustice arises within any human being, the righteous act on principle, not anger, and do so with prudence and good judgment.

    Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, “The best of you are those who are slow to anger and swift to cool down…Beware of anger, for it is a live coal on the heart of the descendants of Adam” (Al-Tirmidhi).

    The image of a hot coal on the flesh of the heart perfectly emphasizes the fact that anger has the potential to harm if not destroy us. This is why, as believers, it is essential to control our anger so that we do not fall into hurting ourselves or others. That is integral to attaining a pious character, a core tenet of the Quran and central to what the Prophet preached. A beautiful example of the Prophet (pbuh) practicing exactly what he preached is given to us by Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), who was the helper of the Prophet. He said, “I served Allah’s Messenger for ten years and he never said to me, ‘Shame on you’ or ‘Why did you do such-and-such a thing?’ or ‘Why did you not do such-and-such a thing?’” (Bukhari). What this tells us is that the Prophet did not blame people or seek out their faults. He practiced tolerance and patience in private as in public. He chose not to let small things annoy him or the shortcomings of others to compromise his self-governance. The hadith also describes how kind-hearted the Prophet was, that he never shamed or belittled anyone, but treated everyone with dignity and respect.

    Harshness is not the way of a sincere Muslim. The way of the Muslim is the sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh), characterized by love, mercy, tolerance, forgiveness, generosity, and full composure, even in the midst of fighting for fairness and social justice. May Allah (SWT) help us all to follow the beautiful ways of Allah’s Messenger, peace be upon him.

  • Don’t Wait to Seek Help When It’s Needed

    Don’t Wait to Seek Help When It’s Needed

    As I sat there looking at her pale face with tears streaming down her cheeks, I thought of all of the other cases in which people waited so long to seek help. Here she was, three years into a difficult marriage, finally having the courage to seek outside help. She was desperate and didn’t know what to do. She had a feeling that her husband had been cheating; she had more than a feeling since she had evidence, but the way that she spoke about it was like she was still not so sure. A year had gone by that he had been texting another woman, staying out late at night, and distancing himself from his wife and children. She always had given him an excuse, told herself that Allah (SWT) would want her to be patient, and wished that he would change. That time never came around and the other woman did not disappear from her husband’s life. She finally had to face it when she saw pictures of them on his Facebook account holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes as only a husband and wife should. She finally made an appointment because she had to do something but had no idea where to begin.

    Unfortunately, there are too many cases like this one in which people wait far too long to seek help.
    Whether it is the mother whose son had been depressed for over a year, the husband who couldn’t stand looking at his wife anymore, or the divorcee who didn’t have anyone to turn to after months of searching for a new spouse, I have found that people wait too long before reaching out to a therapist. When they finally do come in, although I never believe it is too late for anyone to be helped, the situations have reached such a crisis state that it takes that much longer to resolve.
    What is it about therapy that frightens people? I asked this question on my Facebook page, The Muslim MFT, and here are the answers I received: finances, stereotypes about counseling and mental illness and even emotional problems, shame, lack of trust, spouse not willing to go, fear of being exposed, fear of the unknown, time, not a priority, stigma, fear of facing the truth, family and peer pressure, and thinking it won’t work. SubhanAllah, the number one reason for not going to a therapist was the issue of money. That was a surprising since I was under the impression that the majority of people opt out because they attach a stigma to it. There are actually two sides to the money issue. Some people truly don’t have the finances to pay for counseling. But others have the money but as my respected colleague Marina Voron said, “People undervalue both the value of their own mental health and the value of a trained professional who can help them!”
    The importance many people attribute to mental health ranks far below that of one’s physical health, even though the two are actually intertwined. According to a government agency report by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, individuals with mental illnesses are more likely to report chronic health conditions and to use healthcare services. This shows the relationship between mental and physical health. I have often found people come to see me only after it has been recommended by their primary care doctor. When people feel ill with stomach pain, headaches, body aches, or other distressing symptoms, they first think of a medical fix. Although this may be the only solution they need, there is often an underlying mental health issue that is not being addressed. Depression, anxiety, suppressed emotions, marital conflict, life cycle changes, and more, can all manifest in physical symptoms as well. It is essential for people to pay attention to their hearts and minds as well as their bodies to truly understand what is going on with themselves.

    When people pay attention to their hearts and minds and realize the centrality of mental and emotional health to their overall well-being, they will be able to put aside the negative ideas associated with therapy and counseling.

    When people pay attention to their hearts and minds and realize the centrality of mental and emotional health to their overall well-being, they will be able to put aside the negative ideas associated with therapy and counseling. There is nothing to be ashamed of when you are in need of a professional’s guidance. Each and every person on this earth at one point will deal with an issue that requires another person to help them resolve it, whether this is an imam, a friend, a counselor, a teacher, or other trusted person. Reaching out to a counselor or therapist because of their expertise displays intelligence, and a confident determination to make things better. At the end of the day, you are the one who is living your life, not others who might have negative comments and judgments. When things get difficult, it is okay, and often necessary, to reach out.
    When we hesitate and delay seeking help when we need it, we are putting off facing and solving tough issues, tolerating burdens that are meant to be alleviated. We allow problems to fester, we continue to engage in dysfunction, or we ignore our children’s cries for help. Too often the issues have escalated and when we have exhausted all other routes, we enter into counseling broken and hopeless. It does not have to be this way, and it shouldn’t. As a community, we need to stand together to challenge negative views about therapy. We need to encourage one another, lift each other up, and turn to professionals when in need to make our society a better place. When we change our preconceived notions with regard to therapy and remind ourselves that Islam and the Prophet (pbuh) encourage seeking help when needed, we will push beyond the clouds of darkness to see a better day. The light of hope will shine through and allow us to flourish.
    The first step begins with you.

  • Defeating Our Common Enemy

    Defeating Our Common Enemy

    After the arguing back and forth had ceased, he was looking at the floor, while tears rolled down her face. “Why is this happening?” she asked herself, too scared to say a word. It seemed like a nightmare, but she knew it was too much of a reality. She and her husband had just had the worst fight in all of their six years of marriage. Images of good times kept flooding her mind in those sad, silent moments. “But, wait!” she thought. Something inside of her gave her the strength to speak for the first time after the dead silence: “Shaytan is probably really happy right now. He gets the happiest when a husband and wife fight like this…” She waited a few moments, giving her other half a chance to speak. He remained silent, so she went on: “Why are we fighting each other? We should both be working together to fight Shaytan, because he’s our eternal enemy, not each other.” For a miraculous moment, truth came to light, and they both understood their goal from that moment on—to strive with all of their might to fight their common enemy.

    It is imperative that we know what things can harm us.

    About this very fact, Allah (SWT) has spoken in many places in the Qur’an: “Indeed, Shaytan is an open and manifest enemy to mankind” (5:12). Our Rabb, the one who nourishes us and sustains us, who knows us better than we know ourselves, has made it clear exactly who our enemy is. Should we not then take Shaytan as our adversary? Knowing who our enemy is makes it easier to oppose him. But, even then, fighting Shaytan is not easy. It is definitely difficult, because, as the Rasul (S) said, “Indeed, Shaytan flows in the son of Adam like blood” (Bukhari, Muslim, and others). Fighting a being that flows through our veins like blood seems a bit impossible, but we know that although it is not easy, it is definitely doable. Knowing our enemy does not only entail having the knowledge of who possesses that title, but knowing our enemy includes striving with all of our capacity to defeat him, no matter what the sacrifices.

    Protecting Ourselves from Harm

    It is imperative that we know what things can harm us. By being aware of the fact that alcohol is not only harmful, but dangerous if we consume it, it gives us the incentive to completely steer clear of it. Especially as Muslim women, and particularly the mothers of the ummah, we would never give our child a bottle filled with wine to drink. Not only does the commandment of Allah (SWT) hold us back, but our knowledge of the fact that it would harm our child prevents us from placing him or her in harm’s way.
    Why, then, do we not treat ourselves in the same protective manner? Shaytan is harmful to us—not only physically, but spiritually as well. And the spiritual harm can most certainly do the worst kind of damage. This damage does not only affect us as individuals, but can most definitely affect our marriages in the worst possible way as well. And this is one of Shaytan’s main goals—to break the marriage bond, the strong bond that Allah (SWT) describes as a binding contract in the Qur’an, a meethaqun ghaleedha, a binding oath, a solemn pledge, something that is firm and difficult to break.

    Shaytan Targets Marriage

    Shaytan is trying every day to break our marriages. Why is it that he focuses on marriage? Because it is the core of society, the foundation on which society is built. If marriages do not endure, society becomes weak and corrupted. This is why Shaytan makes it his ultimate target. The Prophet (S) said, “Iblees [Shaytan] has placed his throne above the water [sea], and then he sends his detachments. The closest of them to him are those who cause the greatest trial. One of them comes back to him and says, ‘I did such and such.’ Shaytan replies, ‘You have not done anything.’ Then another comes to him and says, ‘I did not leave him alone until I caused division between him and his wife.’” The Prophet (S) said, “So Shaytan brings him closer to himself and says, ‘You did well’” (Muslim).
    What makes this hadith so frightening is that it really shows us how dedicated Shaytan is to breaking the union between a husband and his wife. No matter what other evil deed he entices a person to do, whether lying, cheating, backbiting, or stealing, it does not compare to what is a truly “successful” deed to him, which is that of a husband and wife engaging in destructive conflict of any sort. The fact that Shaytan is determined to destroy our marriages puts much fear into our hearts. However, as true Muslims, we must always try to be in a state between the feelings of fear and hope. With that in mind, the hope comes from this very same hadith. Now that we know how determined our eternal enemy Shaytan is to break our marriages, we should be even more determined to defeat him in that endeavor and to never let him succeed.

    Become a Solid and Implacable Team

    We must make the greatest effort when it comes to our relationships with our life partners to turn tears into smiles, hurtful words into compliments, distance into closeness, silence into communication, and most of all, to turn resentment, anger, and intolerance into forgiveness, self-restraint, and compassion. These are attributes of taqwa, of God-consciousness and virtue for His sake. If husband and wife strive, together, to get through the hard times with patience and a strong will to defeat Shaytan, they will defeat him, insha’Allah. Instead of turning on each other, let’s turn as a solid and implacable team to face our common enemy. The odds are against him. It’s two against one.

  • Avoiding Conflict: Harmful to the Self and to the Relationships

    Avoiding Conflict: Harmful to the Self and to the Relationships

    As he walked up to the front door, he took a deep breath. His heart was racing as if it was going to beat out of his chest. This was the first time he was going to see his brother after being humiliated by him at a family gathering the previous week. He knew he had to confront him about it and make it clear that his words and behavior were unacceptable and really hurtful. It made sense in his head: walk to the front door, ring the doorbell, ask to talk, and then speak. But, it wasn’t that simple. Even walking to the house was so difficult. He hated talking about issues and had always told himself to just get over it so that he didn’t have to go through this. This time, though, it wasn’t easy to get over the traumatic incident, so he knew he had to address it. He just didn’t know if he had the courage to go through with it. He was about to raise his hand to ring the doorbell, but the sound of his beating heart was so loud that he turned back around and walked away…

    The inner strength it takes to address issues and to face conflict head on is a valuable and rare commodity.

    The inner strength it takes to address issues and to face conflict head on is a valuable and rare commodity. As humans, we have a natural inclination to avoid negative encounters. This includes difficult conversations, uncomfortable situations, and anxiety-provoking relationships. Instead of facing our fears, it is easier to avoid them, although this is often not the wisest choice. The natural uncomfortable feeling of fast breathing, an elevated heart rate, increased sweating, etc. are sensations we try to stay clear of in our lives.

    In certain situations, it makes sense to avoid a confrontation because we may never see that person again, such as while driving on the road when someone cuts in front of the car or blocks the fast lane. However, when we avoid conflict in our personal lives, our relationships suffer and so do we. Without being completely honest and addressing things when situations bother us or hurt us, we are not being true to ourselves.

    Why Do We Avoid Conflict?

    It is essential to understand why we avoid conflict in such valuable relationships as those with our parents, siblings, spouses, children, and friends. When these people are so important to us, what makes us avoid being honest and expressing how we truly feel to them? Content published by Vancouver Island University sheds some light on the matter:

    “For some of us, conflict may:

    have largely involved displays of anger, with yelling and insults – an experience you want to avoid,

    appear to be an inevitable part of the human condition; that conflict is never productively resolved, or

    involve pursuing what we want as vigorously as possible, as that is the only way to get what you need.

    The following fears or responses to conflict are common:

    What if talking about it makes it worse, rather than better?

    What if he doesn’t listen to me?

    What if he/she yells at me?

    Why stir up trouble? It will probably resolve itself on its own.”

    Although avoiding conflict may seem desirable, it is actually harmful to the self and relationships. By avoiding conflict, the issue is not resolved and this often leads to an increase of anger, frustration, resentment, sadness, etc. When conflict is dealt with, discomfort is inevitable but temporary. Once the issue is resolved, the long-term benefits ensue. It leads to more open communication, honesty, and a sense of security in the relationship.

    CBT

    Cognitive behavioral therapy has proven to be an effective form of talk therapy. CBT is a form of counseling that digs deep to help us uncover inaccurate or negative thinking, dysfunctional emotions, or maladaptive behaviors. With regard to avoiding conflict, a cognitive behavioral therapist helps the individual figure out the thoughts related to the avoidance: “What thoughts develop when you think of facing the conflict?” Emotions will also be addressed: “What do you feel when you think about addressing the conflict with the person?” “What are you feeling now as you talk about it?” The behaviors will also be discussed: “What do you do when a conflict arises?” “What can you do to more effectively deal with the conflict?” The therapist will help the client explore whether the avoidant behavior is related to other issues, past or present. Oftentimes a fear of conflict arises from negative past experiences. The fear or uncertainty is related to the future and what might result from dealing with a conflict (as listed above), so conversation about what is going to happen and what could happen takes place.

    Resources

    If you find yourself avoiding conflict at all costs, even to the detriment of your relationships and your own wellbeing, it may be time to reach out to a therapist to help you unearth what is prompting this avoidant and counter-productive behavior. A helpful website to locate a therapist is www.therapistlocator.net. Two informative books about the avoidance of conflict are “The Coward’s Guide to Conflict: Empowering Solutions for Those Who Would Rather Run than Fight” by Tim Ursiny, PhD and “The Power of Positive Confrontation: The Skills You Need to Know to Handle Conflicts at Work, at Home, and in Life” by Barbara Pachter. With guidance and growing self-awareness, we can all enjoy more honest and fulfilling relationships, insha’Allah.

     

  • Self Awareness and Change

    Self Awareness and Change

    “I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way,” she thought, as tears poured down her cheeks. She could not make sense of why she was feeling so sad. It wasn’t like anything bad was happening in her life at that moment. She had a wonderful family, great job, good friends, and a nice apartment. What could be making her feel so upset? As she sat and wondered, no explanations could be found. Just then, she remembered her friend telling her about therapy and how it had helped her. At that time, she was glad her friend had an positive and affirming experience, yet knew that therapy was not something she would every consider for herself. But with sadness engulfing her now, she thought it might be a way to explore what was at the root of her feeling so forlorn. She texted her friend for the therapist’s number and received a reply almost right away. She felt really nervous, but dried her tears, dialed the number, and said “Bismillah.”

    Sometimes the source of sadness, anger, worry, or other negative feeling is found in external circumstances outside of our control. And sometimes the source is our own mistake, weakness, or self-deception

    Sometimes the source of sadness, anger, worry, or other negative feeling is found in external circumstances outside of our control. And sometimes the source is our own mistake, weakness, or self-deception. As human beings, it is in our very nature to make excuses for ourselves. It is easier to look outwardly and blame others for our mistakes, our misery, or our unfortunate circumstances. We focus on how others behave poorly or have negatively impacted us, and want to sweep our own part in our difficulties under the rug. If we are unwilling to examine our own attitudes, thoughts, behaviors, and interactions, however, we will never gain greater self-awareness and maturity. We continue to look externally for the explanation of what is going on inside of us instead of focusing inward where the potential for, and attainment of, optimal coping, emotional balance, self-transformation, and healthy relationships is found.

    Self-Awareness

    Self-awareness is extremely important to the growth of a human being. As Muslims, we know that the essence of Islam is taqwa, the awareness of Allah (SWT), and that we must make concerted effort to increase our taqwa. But genuine taqwa is conjoined to uncompromising awareness and examination of self. It is in that inquiry into self that we begin to strive for authentic virtuousness including its attributes such as patience, generosity, forgiveness, and more. How are we to attain these qualities if we are not aware of the contours and details of our personality. True God-consciousness cannot be separated from awareness of our own character, with all its strengths and weaknesses.

    Sometimes we are faced with difficulties that seem greater than our capacity to cope. And sometimes the path to greater self-awareness and maturity is hard to navigate. At such times it can be helpful to speak to a counselor or therapist. A session or sessions with a trained mental health professional can become a truly rewarding personal growth experience. They are able to facilitate a deeper discovery of self, to help us put things in a more healthy perspective, to aid us in exploring what is important to us, and what we need to do to get where we want to be. Counseling can be an important complement to other methods of discovering the self, such as journaling, meditating, reading self-help books, recognizing self-talk, and the most essential practice of searching and knowing the self: prayer.

    Through asking Allah (SWT) for His guidance, the help will come from a direction we may have never even considered.

    Time to Change

    Whichever methods we use to attain greater self-awareness, whether it be by figuring things out on our own, with the counsel of trusted family or friend, through the help of a therapist, or a combination of these, it is essential that we keep moving forward. If we are static, complacent, or oblivious of the Islamic path of self-transformation, we are losing out on what really matters: committing to the lifelong challenge of improving ourselves and readying ourselves for the ultimate meeting with Allah (SWT). When we acknowledge that we need to change for the better, we find limitless opportunities to challenge ourselves positively, to seek a higher ground of being, to fortify our strengths and forthrightly tackle our weaknesses. The world is ever moving forward, and the people and circumstances around us are always changing. We may experience a loss, a difficulty, or a danger, and if we are not prepared to adequately deal with them, we will feel burdened again and again by some practical hardship or emotional turmoil.

    It is time to shine the light at ourselves and recognize the way we might be evading our Islamic challenge, or undervaluing or even mistreating ourselves, others, or the deen of Allah (SWT). It is time we work as individuals, as family members, and as members of the Ummah to figure out where the work needs to be done. Let us recognize the positive aspects in others and ourselves, acknowledge them and be thankful for them. When it comes to negative aspects, let us see what needs to be worked on and strive for greater self-awareness and self-improvement. When our self-awareness and endeavoring for self-improvement are mutually reinforcing and enhancing, we are participating in a powerful movement that can transform the world into a better place with the help of Allah (SWT).

  • Building Your Inner Strength

    Building Your Inner Strength

    Hajar, the wife of Prophet Ibrahim (upon them be peace), was left alone by him in the desolate, uninhabited Arabian valley, which is now the thriving city of Makkah, with their son Ismail (upon him be peace). She said to her husband, “O Ibrahim, will you go and leave us in this barren valley in which there is nothing?” She repeated this several times, and he did not answer her. Then she said to him, “Is it Allah who has commanded you to do this?” He said, “Yes.” She said, “Then He will not forsake us” (Sahih Bukh?ri, 3184).

     “The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer although there is good in each. Desire that which will bring you benefit, and seek help from Allah and do not give way to incapacity. If something happens to you, do not say, ‘If only I had done such-and-such.’ Rather say, ‘The decree of Allah – He does what He will.’ Otherwise you will open yourself up to the action of Shaytan”

    A strong Muslim trusts in the plan of Allah SWT and therefore is able to face even the most difficult of situations or circumstances. A strong Muslim does not need validation from anyone about the deepest issues of the soul – belief in the Divine Truth and trust in the Will and Wisdom of the giver of Truth. Strength therefore comes from within an individual, from the profound connection one has with Allah (SWT), knowing that He is watching, guiding, and protecting. Confidence and courage naturally follow.

    The Strong Believer

    Abu Hurayra (R) said that the Messenger of Allah (S) said, “The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer although there is good in each. Desire that which will bring you benefit, and seek help from Allah and do not give way to incapacity. If something happens to you, do not say, ‘If only I had done such-and-such.’ Rather say, ‘The decree of Allah – He does what He will.’ Otherwise you will open yourself up to the action of Shaytan” (Muslim). Shaykh Faraz Rabbani suggests that the four characteristics mentioned in this hadith provide a roadmap to strong belief: 1) Be avid for benefit, 2) Seek the assistance of Allah, 3) Don’t deem yourself incapable, and 4) Don’t second guess yourself.

    We must strive for these four characteristics if we are to strengthen ourselves as Muslims. The connection with Allah (SWT) is the core of one’s innermost fortitude, vigor, and tenacity. But there are many actions, found in common wisdom, that we can take to increase inner strength.

    How to Increase Inner Strength

    Anne Naylor, a personal motivation consultant and author, discusses a number of ways to build inner strength. Here are nine of them, with my own comments where pertinent:

    “Take time to look within”— Go on a journey of self discovery to figure out your weaknesses and strengths. Once you know yourself, you are able to work on enhancing your strengths and improving in areas of weakness.

    “Affirm your qualities—What qualities make you unique? Enthusiasm, sense of humor, joy, persistence, courage, the ability to connect with others? Affirm those in the present tense with ‘I am’ statements. Choose three affirmations and repeat them, first thing in the morning and last thing at night.” After you have said these words, end by saying Alhumdulillah.

    “Learn to say ‘No’—Do not over-commit yourself. Refusing a request is not against anyone else. You are being honest with, and true to, yourself.”

    “Accept, appreciate, and love yourself through difficulties—When your life is in turmoil, you may not do things perfectly. Give yourself permission to learn. Ask: What can this situation teach me?” Remember that this life is a test!

    “Be forgiving—When you make a mistake, be tender, kind, and compassionate. Do not punish, criticize and condemn yourself.” Allah asks us to be forgiving if we want Him to forgive us. This includes not only forgiving others, but also forgiving ourselves.

    “Focus on the positive—Even in the midst of disaster, look for the blessings and opportunity present. With a positive attitude, you can literally turn your life around.”

    “Be patient—Make the most of each day and take steps to build a future you would like. This is not a passive, hopeless enduring, but an active participative anticipation of a better life for yourself and those you care for.”

    “Be open for the best—You never know what good is right around the next corner. Keep an open and receptive mind.”

    “Be grateful—The attitude of gratitude will take you through life’s worst storms and lead you toward greater joy, serenity and fulfillment.” Keep in mind that gratitude is a feeling and an attitude but also an approach to living that can be practiced. In each moment, one can choose to focus on the multitude of things that are good and beneficial, even in the midst of difficulty.

    We can say that the ninth item above, “be grateful,” is pivotal to the degree and quality of one’s inner strength. It’s important to note that Shaytan tries to divert us from the path of Allah (SWT): “Then I will come to them from before them and from behind them and on their right and on their left, and You will not find most of them grateful [to You]” (7:17). What can easily cause a person’s downfall? – not being grateful to Allah (SWT). And gratitude must reside in one’s thoughts, be expressed by one’s words, and be demonstrated by one’s actions. The Prophetic wisdom says it all: The Prophet took the hand of Mu’aadh ibn Jabal and said: “O Mu’aadh, by Allah I love you, by Allah I love you.” Then he said, “I advise you, O Mu’aadh, do not fail to say this after every prayer: ‘O Allah help me to remember You, to thank You and to worship You properly.’” May Allah SWT guide us all. Ameen.

  • Trust, Control, and Letting Go

    Trust, Control, and Letting Go

    Her mind was racing as she tried to focus on her studying. “What if I don’t pass? What if I start feeling sick in the middle of the exam? Oh no! I feel so sick now!” She took a break from studying to get a drink of water. She knew that her career depended on this exam and the thought of not passing was so frightening to her. She just had to pass! The constant worry was affecting her studying. She couldn’t concentrate when all she kept thinking about was her future.

    Anxiety, worry, and stress are words that we are all too familiar with. More people are visiting the doctor because of stress-related illnesses than ever before. Absences from work and school are often related to stress as well. Stressors are inevitable in our lives but anxiety and worry can be ameliorated by improving one’s coping skills such as practicing deep breathing, learning to reframe problems, practicing good time management, and so on. There are countless skills that one can learn and practice. Yet, the best coping skill for a Muslim is tawakkul (trust). Trust in Allah (SWT) involves knowing that Allah (SWT) has power over all things and qadr (destiny) has already been determined by Him. The good news is that tawakkul can be learned, it can be practiced, and it can be strengthened. In fact, as eman increases, so does one’s trust in Allah (SWT).

    Control and Letting Go

    We meticulously plan things, writing down schedules, making appointments, ensuring that we know what is on the agenda for the next day or even the next month. To know what to expect and what is coming brings some semblance of security, of being in control. Not knowing can feel vulnerable, even scary. We have a difficult time accepting that there are many things in life that we have no control over. It can make us feel powerless. As humans, we are naturally inclined towards happiness and a sense of security and stability, and anything that leads to the opposite is often avoided at all costs. By leaving everything up to Allah (SWT) after we have done our best, we are essentially saying that even the worst outcome, even failure, sadness, or pain, is to be accepted with faith and forbearance. This principle is difficult sometimes to apply. As Muslims, we know that we must be content with Allah’s decree, no matter what it may be. However, as humans, this is not always easy.

    Trust is Faith

    “Say: Nothing will happen to us except what Allah has decreed for us: He is our Protector: And on Allah let the believers put their trust” (Quran, 9:51). In this ayah, Allah (SWT) describes what the response of the believer should be to the uncertainty of life. Even though we are unaware of what lies ahead in our lives, our response should be one of complete trust in our Creator. He has already decreed what will happen to us and, in that belief, we must be certain.

    Although we know Allah (SWT) has control over everything, this does not mean we throw our hands up in the air in passivity, helplessness, or resignation. A man came to the Prophet (S) and said, “I will not tie my camel and [then] trust in Allah.” The Prophet (S) said, “Tie it and trust in Allah.” From this example, we learn that although trust in Allah is essential, we as humans must do our utmost in working towards success. Not only should we do our part in taking care of our affairs and in striving to achieve our goals, we must also make du’aa for the outcomes we desire. Oftentimes, we assume that just because Allah (SWT) knows everything — our hopes, our yearnings, our goals — we do not have to ask Him for what we want. However, du’aa is a tool Allah (SWT) has given us to reach out to Him for all of our needs. Although He knows what is in our hearts, we must ask anyway since du’aa is essential to worship.

    In a Qudsi Hadith, which was narrated by Abu Hurairah (R), Allah (SWT) says: “I am as my slave thinks of Me and I am with him whenever he remembers Me” (Agreed Upon). This powerful statement of Allah (SWT) demands something of us as His servants. In order for us to be true servants of Allah (SWT), we must have a good opinion of Him, that He is kind, caring, and loving, and that He will take care of us and keep His promise. This is a beautiful explanation of the importance of having tawakkul, trust in Him and His Divine Plan and our reliance on Him. When we truly believe that Allah (SWT) is just, compassionate, and loving, then we can trust that He will do what is best for us.

    Trust is Success

    ‘Umar (R) said, “I heard the Messenger of Allah (S) say, ‘If you were to rely on Allah as He should be relied on, He would provide for you as He provides for the birds. They go out in the morning hungry and return in the evening full” (at-Tirmidhi). SubhanAllah! Tawakkul in Allah (SWT) has the power to give us everything we need and want. If we truly trust in our Lord, that He will provide for us in the way that the birds are provided for, then we will never get stuck in fear, worry, anxiety, disappointment, or loss. Having tawakkul leads to the peace of mind, sense of security, and personal fulfillment that we are all so desperately searching for. The secret lies in knowing that Allah (SWT) has already paved the road for us. We just have to keep moving with our best foot forward and expect the best from the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

     

  • The Marital Relationships: Its Impact on Children

    The Marital Relationships: Its Impact on Children

    He let out a huge sigh as he looked at himself in the mirror. He wondered how things had gotten this bad. The past few months had been difficult in the house. He and his wife had been arguing and although they did so quietly in the bedroom, the kids had been acting strangely. There’s no doubt they had been affected by this mess. He couldn’t wait around anymore for things to get better. It was time to do something about it…

    The quality of our marriage relationship profoundly impacts our children

    Allah (SWT) describes the relationship between husband and wife in the Quran: “Your spouses are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them” (2:187). This is the most beautiful description of the closeness, warmth, and security that a marital relationship is supposed to provide. And in another verse, He says, “It is He who created you from a single soul, and made its mate of like nature in order that he might incline towards her…”(7:189).This is a mutual inclining of man and woman that revolves around love and compassion. Unfortunately compassion is an ingredient that is missing in so many marriages today. Instead of understanding and accepting one’s partner and his/her experience, there is judgment, blame, and dissatisfaction. This contradicts the intended relationship in which the male and female not only incline toward each other, they complete each other. They are two parts of a larger whole, striving in their lives together with a spirit of interdependence, collaboration, and harmony.

    The couple must be a cohesive unit as the marital relationship is the foundation of the edifice called family— the very base and infrastructure of the family system. When this marital underpinning is firm, the family structure stands elevated and strong against all challenges. Keeping this analogy in mind, let us look at what makes the family structure enduring and what causes it to crumble.

    A Good Divorce vs. a Bad Marriage

    Empirical evidence suggests that children are harmed less by the difficult circumstances of a divorce than the discord present in a dysfunctional family dynamic. There is the well-known hadith that “the lawful thing which Allah hates most is divorce,” but scholars point out that this refers to divorcing without a sound reason. Sometimes in anger a spouse will threaten divorce; but the hadith makes it clear that offhand, impulsive, or malicious bandying of the issue of divorce is unacceptable. Divorce is serious and displeasing to Allah SWT unless the discord is so grievous that maintaining the marriage would cause greater harm than ending it. Unfortunately though, cultural views in Muslim communities have so stigmatized divorce that unhappy spouses too often hide in shame their martial problems and thus are reluctant to seek help. But parents who are hostile to one another yet stay married only for the sake of the children may not be doing them any favors. A stable, mature, and peaceful environment is crucial to the healthy growth of a child. His or her mental and physical health is at risk when conflict predominates in the family dynamic. Studies performed by the University of Notre Dame have shown that a child’s apprehension and worry about his or her parents’ conflictual relationship directly correlates to negative mental health outcomes such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and behavioral problems. In addition, parent marital conflict is related to digestive problems, fatigue, and chronic illness in children. Marital conflict can be exhibited in many ways, but the effects are similar. The slightest hint of aggression or hostility of a spouse towards the other sparks a sharp increase in cortisol levels and elevated heart rate in children. Children exhibit the same stress reaction when one or both parents yell, are contemptuous, insult, roll eyes, give out an exasperated sigh, avoid the partner, or use intimidation such as pointing a finger in a threatening way. Both the research on the effects of marital discord on children as well as the clinical experience of counselors show just how vulnerable children are to all types of marital conflict.

    Teaching by Example

    Children who witness unhealthy communication and other relational patterns between their parents grow up with inadequate understanding of what a healthy relationship is and what it encompasses. They have experienced the unhappiness resulting from parents trying to address conflicts without effective tools that maintain marriage unity and respect even in the midst of disagreement. Thus, the children themselves will more likely not possess the tools necessary to make their own relationships work in the future. Interestingly, witnessing marital conflict that is resolved with respect, warmth, and empathy has shown to have a very positive effect on children. By example, they learn how to manage the stress, frustration, and differences of opinion that can lead to conflict, and importantly, how to resolve conflicts, when they do occur, in a healthy manner. Parents are role models for their children and are responsible for providing to the best of their abilities a healthy, stable environment for the entire family to grow and succeed.

    Healthy Couples, Healthy Families

    According to Dr. John Gottman, successful marriages have a higher ratio of positivity versus negativity. Unfavorable factors exist in a good marriage but the spouses acknowledge that and then consciously choose to focus on the positive aspects of their relationship and their partners. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman provides a roadmap for couples to work on their issues and become better partners. The seven principles discussed in the book include the following: enhance your love maps [knowing your partner in deep ways including his/her hopes and aspirations, stresses, emotional wounds, important life events, etc.], nurture fondness and admiration, turn toward each other instead of away, let your partner influence you, solve your solvable problems, overcome gridlock, and create shared meaning. For more details on what these principles are and how to live by them, refer to Dr. Gottman’s book.

    Another pioneer on successful relationships is Salvador Minuchin, who has published numerous books on the subject of family structure. He stresses that the hierarchy of the family is very important, with husband and wife in charge, a team working together for the betterment of the family. Co-parenting is key, with both parents on the same page when it comes to discipline, reward, punishment, etc. Family roles are also focused upon, with each person playing a role such as scapegoat or dreamer or peacemaker, and whether that role is actually helpful or harmful to the family’s overall functioning. For more information on family structure including triangles, coalitions, and boundaries (all very significant when it comes to family functioning), refer to Minuchin’s published works.

    Getting Help When Needed

    The average couple waits six years —during which time problems worsen — before they seek help, according to extensive research done by Gottman. This means that the average couple lives with discord and unhappiness for far too long. Despite the stigma that exists against therapy, we as Muslims must understand that Islam encourages seeking help when it is needed. Prophet Muhammad (s) was the ultimate advice-giver and counselor. He listened actively and empathically to any individual seeking his counsel, considered their personal and spiritual maturity, and articulated his advice in a way that addressed their particular needs. The companions of the Prophet did not try to hide their weaknesses at all cost, but sought help when needed in order to improve themselves and elevate their characters.

    This is a facet of personal courage that we must strive to emulate. Knowing that the quality of our marriage relationship profoundly impacts our children, we must find that courage within ourselves to better our own lives and that of our spouses, and contribute to a better future for our children.

    May Allah (SWT) guide us all to the right path, ameen.

     

  • Living a Balanced Life

    Living a Balanced Life

    Closing his eyes, he lies in bed awake, unable to sleep. There are too many things on his mind that he finds it difficult to doze off. What did he even accomplish today? There are still so many things that need to be done. Instead of putting things aside and worrying about them tomorrow, his mind races to all of the tasks that he needed to complete today but just wasn’t able to get around to. He looks at the clock and sees that it is already 12:30. He wonders when he will finally fall asleep.

    Life is a balancing act. Between work, home, kids, household chores, friends, errands, and endless other demands, we are constantly trying to juggle our responsibilities. With all that a human being has to do, how can he/she remain sane? Allah (SWT) in the Quran offers us a solution: “He has created man; He has taught him intelligent speech. The sun and the moon follow courses exactly computed, and the plants and the trees bow in adoration. The Firmament has He raised high, and He has set up the Balance in order that you may not transgress due balance” (Quran 55:3-8). These ayaat teach us the importance of balance, keeping in mind that Allah (SWT) has given us an abundance of resources to use in our everyday lives to get the job done such as time, energy, intelligence, talent, and wealth. We must use them in the best way possible to balance our responsibilities of deen and dunya.

    When we do not keep a positive balance in our lives, the result is stress that can negatively affect our minds and bodies. There are numerous physical as well as emotional detriments to feeling stress. Forty-three percent of all adults suffer adverse health effects from stress. These physical manifestations of stress include headaches, stomachaches, difficulty falling sleep, high blood pressure, and heart problems. Stress can also lead to emotional problems such as a depressed mood or panic attacks. It is essential to keep stress at bay. One way in which stress caused by being overwhelmed with responsibilities can be tamed is by striving to stay organized.

    Tips on Keeping the Balance

    Write things down. Whether it is three loads of laundry, memorizing ten ayaat, or completing a project for work, it is essential to write things down. Many times, we have so many things floating in our heads that it increases our stress level without us even realizing it. By writing each item down, we are taking the endless barrage of our need-to-do inventory – the duties, obligations, commitments, promises, and goals – out of our minds and putting them onto paper where they can be handled in a more productive way. Dr. John Demartini states, “When you make a list of all the objectives that are at hand and take each one individually… you reduce anxiety, uncertainty and increase the probability of getting into action leading to fulfillment. This reduces tension and stress and makes for better digestion and thus improves overall health.”

    Prioritize. Once we have everything written down (pack for the business trip, go to the bank, bake a cake for the school bake sale, etc.), it is time to prioritize the list by numbering the items according to which item needs to be completed first. Oftentimes our lists are so unorganized that we remain confused as to what to focus our attention on first.

    Add details. Once the list is prioritized, we can add a few details to make it more productive. Next to each item, we can write down what is required in order to accomplish that task. With the details on how to complete it, the job becomes less daunting and more attainable.

    Take action. Once the list is written, prioritized, and detailed, now is the time to take action. Focus on the first item on the list and do what needs to be done to complete it. We have the tendency to procrastinate at this point as we still feel overwhelmed by all the items on the list. The key is to focus solely on the task at hand as if it is the only thing that is important in the moment (in actuality, that’s true because it is highest on the list of priorities and needs our attention and effort in the most immediate way). But in order to keep our stress levels down, we must be determined to accomplish our tasks. And each step we take makes the overall endeavor easier.

    Cross it out. Once a task is accomplished, the best part of the whole process is to cross it off the list. By physically seeing a line through the task, one can automatically feel a sense of accomplishment and a renewed motivation to complete the rest of the list.

    With these five simple steps, we can transform our days from being haphazard to organized, a necessary foundation for remaining in control of our sanity. It will also assist us in decreasing our stress levels and contribute to an overall healthy mind and body. It may assist us on the journey of juggling our duties as citizen, spouse, parent, adult son or daughter, homemaker or working person, and most importantly, as a worshipper of Allah (SWT). In addition, if we keep our tongues moist with the remembrance of Allah (SWT) throughout our busy days, Allah will bless our thoughts, actions, and words, and will help us accomplish more than we could have ever imagined.

     

  • Protecting Our Children

    Protecting Our Children

    He sits outside of his house hiding behind a bush. His eyes are on the front door waiting for it to open. The seconds feel like hours as sweat drips down the side of his face. Finally, the door opens and his heart stops as he sees the big brown boots emerging from the doorway. He holds his breath until the large figure drives away and disappears down the street. He then lets out a huge sigh of relief as he runs into the house, up the wooden stairs, into his room, and flings himself onto his bed, feeling safe. But only until his father returns home.

    This is a familiar tale for over 6 million children in the U.S. every year, according to Childabuse.org. This staggering number reflects only the actual reports of child abuse, which begs the question: How many cases of child abuse exist that are not reported? Child abuse is an issue that is largely ignored within the Muslim community because it is perceived as a rare phenomenon that does not touch us. On the contrary, child abuse must be taken seriously because it is an atrocity that plagues all communities. We must be true to ourselves as an ummah and stop denying that children in our homes are being hurt by the very people who claim to love them.

    The Prophet (S), Our Example

    Aishah (R) reported that the Messenger of Allah (S) never hit any person with his hand, whether servant, woman, or child. He did, of course, fight in the Cause of Allah but he never took revenge upon anyone for the wrong done to him, only exacting retribution for the sake of Allah in case Divine injunctions were violated (Muslim). If we claim to follow in the footsteps of Rasulallah (S), we will take to heart that he was “the walking Quran,” as Aishah (R) described him. How can anyone who abuses his or her child claim to follow the Quran? We must engage in evaluating ourselves as a community and our lives as family members. Are we striving to succeed as believers and followers of Rasulallah (S), or are we going to be ashamed when we stand in front of our Lord on the Last Day?

    Many parents are under the impression that corporal punishment is the proper way to discipline a child. This is not the case. A recent study published in the American Journal of Pediatrics revealed that children who are slapped, pushed, or shoved are more likely to be obese and have other health problems. The study also revealed a link between being hit in childhood to a greater risk of depression and anxiety later on in life. (http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/).

    Circumstances of Pain

    I have seen it all too often in the therapy room. The parents come into therapy seeking help for their child who refuses to listen, likes to challenge authority, and is spiraling out of control. The true picture quickly reveals itself as details of a dysfunctional relationship between father and son come to light. The father physically disciplines his son and the child has lived with fear, confusion, and hurt for a long time. That has now turned to anger. Having lost all respect for his parent, and suffering from an abysmal sense of unworthiness to be loved and respected, the son strives to assert himself by talking back and refusing to listen to the parental authority figure who he perceives, more instinctively than cognitively, as having abused his authority. By hitting his child, the father has created fear, lack of trust, intense sadness, and low self-worth. While he is attempting to demand obedience from the child, he is only creating distance, resentment, and an inner rage. The problem that the family came in to resolve can never be tackled until the relationship between father and son is repaired. And that starts with self-restrainting oneself, and being willing to learn more effective ways to interact with and discipline his child.

    Abdullah ibn Masud (R) has narrated that he heard the Messenger of Allah (S) say, “Each one of you is a shepherd. And each of you will be asked about your flock. A ruler also is a shepherd and he will be asked about his flock. And every man is a shepherd to his family. And every woman is the custodian of her husband’s house and his children. Thus each one of you is a shepherd and each one will be asked about his flock” (Bukhari and Muslim). This comprehensive statement of Rasulallah (S) warns those who are in power over others, whether they be a ruler, a man, or a woman. Each one of us is in charge of someone, and the quality and integrity of our caretaking will be inquired about and judged by Allah (SWT) on the Day of Account.

    As parents, the flock that Allah (SWT) has entrusted to our care is our beautiful children. They have rights upon us, and the number one right is that we care for them by fulfilling our obligations as strong, devoted, and trustworthy caretakers: Did we nurture our children to the best of our ability? Did we ensure that their needs were met? Did we shower love upon them in the way that the Prophet (S) showed love to his children and grandchildren? Did we act as the best role models of behavior and maturity so that our children might emulate us and build their own characters in a healthy and natural way? These are a few of the questions we as parents must ask ourselves on a daily basis. The future of our children, as well as our own future happiness, depends on it.

    Tips to Eradicate Abuse

    • When you see something, say something. As soon as you see or suspect child abuse, say something. It can save a life.
    • If you find yourself or someone you love abusing others, seek help immediately.
    • Encourage imams to discuss this topic in their khutbahs.
    • Discuss this topic in halaqas, with family and friends, and at work.
    • Speak up and spread the word.