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Tag: Muslim Americans

  • Urdu and Arabic: My People and My Faith

    Urdu and Arabic: My People and My Faith

    Like many young Muslims in this country, I’m second-generation American. My parents immigrated to this country in the ‘90s, and me and my siblings grew up as third culture kids — intermixing Urdu phrases in our English, jeans with a “kameez” (a long cultural shirt) was the height of fashion, and we learned to eat with our hands before ever touching a spoon.

    There’s often a lot of dialogue on the difficulties that children of immigrants face, that feeling of never quite fitting anywhere. But I wonder how many of us have thought about how much it must ache to truly belong to a place – to live in a place where everyone speaks how you speak, where everyone eats what you eat, where everyone dresses how you dress – and then to have to give it all up and move to a land where you become a “minority” that is mocked and ridiculed for the very things that are the cornerstones of your identity?

    I wonder sometimes, if I would have been able to make the kind of sacrifice that my parents made. Would I have been able to leave my country, my people, and everything that defined me, to immigrate to a different continent, just so I could give my own children their very best opportunity for success? I’d like to think I would, but I genuinely don’t know. That requires a level of strength and tawakkul that I’m not sure I possess.

    And then, imagine watching those very children, the ones you gave it all up for, go through that phase where they become ashamed of your culture. The food our moms’ make, imbued with so much love and care, suddenly becomes “boring”, or even “gross.” We’d love to be called multilingual, but in something exotic like Italian or French, not the Urdu and Arabic that is our birthright.

    There is this defining moment that almost every child of an immigrant goes through — you’re asked a question, in what should be your native language, that you understand completely and you know the answer to, but you have no clue how to articulate it. Your tongue stutters, and your throat seizes, and your thoughts race in English but never translate over, and you feel absolutely humiliated.

    This loss of language might be the most heart-breaking part of it all. Language is the soul of community. To know a people, we must know their language. How many stories lay untold on the tongues of our grandparents because we can barely stutter our way through a sentence in Arabic? How many of our uncles, our aunts, our cousins, those who should be some of our closest family, have we barely scratched the surface in getting to know them, because their English might be broken but our Urdu is still yet worse? How many gems sit in the bookshelves of our parents’ personal libraries, in the hearts of our scholars back home, that we have allowed to become inaccessible to ourselves?

     

    Urdu is a beautiful language. There’s a gentleness and an eloquence to it, and it quite literally sits softer on the tongue and the throat. There’s a common stereotype of Desis (those of South Asian descent) not having the best pronunciation of the Qur’an, and that’s actually because a lot of Arabic letters rely heavily on the back of the throat while Urdu is spoken almost completely from the mouth. But despite these pronunciation differences, Urdu is very similar to Arabic in vocabulary.

    Neither of my parents have formally studied Arabic. They couldn’t tell you all the grammatical rules, the different morphological patterns, or the reasons for a word’s vowels. But their Urdu is fluent. Me, on the other hand, I’ve been taking an intensive Arabic course for the past 9 months. I can break down a verse into all its components and tell you the root letters of almost any word. But my Urdu is broken.

    And the longer I study Arabic, the more I realize that the level of comprehension of the Qur’an that my parents have, which is miles ahead of mine, is almost purely founded on their grasp of Urdu vocabulary. In allowing my own Urdu to weaken, I lost with it a critical understanding of Qur’anic vocabulary. And while I can still learn Qur’anic vocabulary now, and am taking steps to do so alhamdulillah, I often think of how much easier I know this all would’ve been if I had just retained my Urdu.

    My parents really tried their best to encourage us to embrace Urdu as much possible – it used to be tradition in our household to only speak Urdu at the dinner table. But as we grew from naïve children into insecure teenagers, we were desperate to find our footing in American culture and we made such a fuss about speaking English, my parents eventually gave in. And now, as an adult with too many responsibilities and barely enough time, I look back and truly regret the moments that could have been spent solidifying my native tongue, but instead was wasted on trying to prove to myself that I was American enough.

    If it was just about Urdu as a language, I would still have these regrets of course, but perhaps they wouldn’t be as strong. But it’s also about how Urdu ties into Arabic and Arabic is the language of the Qur’an and the Qur’an is the Word of Allah. It is quite literally God’s Message to me and you. So, it is regret for the loss of the language itself, yes, but more importantly it’s the regret of knowing how much stronger my connection with the Qur’an could have been.

    But we can’t waste our lives on regret. Regret is meant to be a teacher – it should drive us to do better, it should force us to reflect on our errors, but it should never paralyze us.

    Our relationship with Allah in particular is the one part of our lives that we cannot allow to become stagnant. Allah loves us, and it is out of this mercy and care that He has revealed His Message in His chosen Arabic. And we live in the age of technology, it has never been easier to learn a language – there are so many classes, such passionate teachers, endless YouTube videos. There is genuinely no excuse for willful ignorance. And why would we want to stay ignorant? Our Creator, The Merciful, The All-Loving, The Most-Kind, has sent us a Message and given us the means to understand that Message. Don’t we want to know what our Creator has to say to us?

    So, this is a call to myself, first and foremost, to work on my relationship with the Qur’an. This is an oath to myself that I will learn the language of the Qur’an insha’Allah, even if it’s just one word at a time. And maybe, just maybe, in this endeavor to please Allah and find my faith, I will find it in me to strengthen my Urdu and connect with the heritage of my people.

  • How Not to Be a Toxic In-Law

    How Not to Be a Toxic In-Law

    Growing up, I witnessed a genuine fondness between my parents and grandparents. Their relationships were supportive and kind. I never heard either of my parents say a negative word about their mother-in-law or father-in-law, and so I assumed that all families enjoyed this kind of harmony. Therefore, when I got married and my own in-laws proved to be delightful, loving, and unobtrusive, I didn’t even realize what an enormous blessing it was. It wasn’t until I started getting to know other Muslim women that I heard horror stories about in-laws who were overbearing and controlling, jealous and conniving. I suddenly realized how very fortunate I was, alhamdullilah.

    I know that Muslims certainly are not the only people to have conflicts with their in-laws; it appears to be a universal problem that can affect families of any religion or culture. But it does seem that the cultures of some Muslim-majority nations (cultural ideas, traditions, and norms, I must note, that do not stem from Islam) cause a great deal of tension, injustice, misunderstanding, and hurt feelings between parents, their grown children, and their children’s spouses. How can we as an ummah fix this pervasive problem? How can we change the narrative so that we are not – or do not become – toxic in-laws?

    I spoke with several Muslim women to hear their perspectives. As mothers, daughters, and daughters-in-law themselves, they had words of wisdom to share with the intention of helping other families become more harmonious.

    Advice to Mothers-in-law and Fathers-in-law

    Amatullah*, a mother of five and Nutritional Health Practitioner, offers this reminder: “You do not own your son. He is a gift from Allah, who placed him in your hands to raise, love, and support, and to make him into a man who is a good father to his children and a good husband to his wife.”

    “Your son loves you more than you know, cherishes you, and is not replacing you with his wife,” Amatullah adds. “If you want your son to be happy, do not treat his wife like she stole him from you. If you love your son, do not make him feel guilty for loving his wife and paying attention to her. This is not in any way taking away from his love for you. It only means you raised a man who knows how to value his wife, and you should be proud of him for that. Do not be jealous and clingy; it’s toxic and will cause your adult children to distance themselves from you.”

    She advises, “Raise men with a backbone, men who are not afraid to speak the truth, even to their own parents. Accept when you are wrong and be gracious as much as possible. Do not offer unsolicited advice, especially in regard to raising children. Welcome your son/daughter-in-law into the family and make them feel like they belong, and that they are an important part of the family, not an imposter.”

    Shabana Haxton, a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner in Southern California who counsels numerous Muslim families says, “The in-laws should treat their child and the person he/she married equally. I think the problem in our community is the double standard. Women love their own girls and put them on a pedestal, whereas their daughter-in-law is treated as an outsider and a maid of the household. Mothers-in-law treat their daughters-in-law the same way they were treated by their in-laws, and no one is ready to break the cycle. I see many cases of in-law issues in my practice, mostly from our Desi and Arab communities.”

    “Do not use religion as a form of blackmail,” says Amatullah. “This can cause your children to distance themselves from you and the religion. Who wants to think that Allah is angry with them for being a dutiful husband or wife? Many parents use this sort of manipulation: ‘Allah will be angry with you if I am not pleased with you, you are choosing your spouse over your parents, this is displeasing to Allah.’ Unless your child is doing something that is explicitly haram and displeasing to Allah, do not guilt them in this way (and even if they are doing something haram, there are much better ways of advising them). Being a dutiful son or daughter, and being an excellent spouse, are not in contradiction to each other. They are both means of pleasing Allah.”

    Advice to Daughters-in-law and Sons-in-law

    Amatullah advises: “Dua, dua, dua! Ask Allah frequently to put baraka in your life, and to make your union a means of mercy and forgiveness for His sake. Ask Him to keep your family healthy and content, and to strengthen your family ties. Show love and respect to your in-laws as if they were your own family (not referring to toxic and abusive in-laws).”

    “Set healthy boundaries from the beginning,” Amatullah advises. “Do not allow anyone to transgress against the other. Everyone should have their own space. Do not force anyone to live together, most of the time this creates unnecessary problems and hard feelings. Know your deen. Understand your rights and responsibilities. Attend Islamic seminars on marriage with your spouse. Educate yourself on how to be a better version of yourself, the rights and duties of a husband, wife, and parents, so that you don’t set unrealistic expectations, and so you show up as a better person for your family.”

    Not Always Toxic!

    Not everyone has negative experiences with their in-laws. A few women I interviewed spoke about their mother- and father-in-law with fondness and gratitude.

    “Alhamdulillah, I am blessed to have amazing in-laws,” says Shaylene Haswary, a mother of five in Oregon. “Although we had cultural differences, when it came to Islam, we had the same views. With my mother-in-law, the kitchen was her domain, and I let her run it. There were times when it would get overly messy, and it drove my husband crazy. I reminded him she is making food for everyone, and that’s where she feels the most comfortable. There were times when she’d talk about Islam, and I didn’t agree with her beliefs about a few things, but I only listened. Years later, because of personal experience, her views (which had been based on culture) changed for the better. It was an amazing experience getting to know them, alhamdullilah!”

    Shabana says, “My in-laws were very respectful of our boundaries and made sure that they did not ‘burden’ anyone. I remember whenever my in-laws came over for dinner, my father-in-law would pick up his plate from the table, rinse it, and put it in the dishwasher. All of us would say, “Dad, you don’t have to do that!’ and he would say, ‘Did I not use this plate?’”

    “My in-laws took pride in raising their kids to be loving, understanding and helpful,” adds Shabana. “My mother-in-law taught all her children (three girls and three boys) to be self-sufficient in performing daily chores.”

    Rania* says, “While I was drenched in postpartum depression (no one knew about what I was going through, including my mom), my husband and I had a very rough patch. One day, I called my mother-in-law to tell her that I was planning to leave her son. The first thing she asked was if her son was having an affair, or what he did wrong.”

    “Not even for a second did she suspect that I may have done something wrong,” says Rania. “SubhanAllah even my own mother doesn’t have that kind of trust in me! I’m genuinely grateful for my in-laws.”

    In Islam, the family unit should be the strongest of all societal bonds. This cannot happen unless every member takes responsibility for their actions and strives to fulfill their obligations. It is easy to blame others for conflicts and hurt feelings, but we cannot change others; we can only change ourselves. To ensure that we are not toxic in-laws we must reflect on our own contributions to family tension. Is our ego causing rifts? Does our insecurity cause us to stir up trouble? Would Allah be pleased with the way we’re handling situations with our family? Insha’Allah our efforts to identify and admit our own weaknesses and perfect our own character will be seen and blessed by Allah.

    Ali (r) said about the Prophet, “Three things — quarreling, arrogance, and vain pursuits, he stayed away from with regard to himself. And three things he stayed away from with regard to others — he did not find fault, lay blame, or seek to expose anyone’s weak points” (Shama’il al-Tirmidhi).

    *Names have been changed to protect the identity

  • Beyond the 2020 Elections: What’s Next for Muslim Americans

    Beyond the 2020 Elections: What’s Next for Muslim Americans

    The 2020 U.S. presidential election has often been described in hyperbolic terms by journalists, political hacks, and social commentators as being the “most important election in the history of the republic.” While the truth of this observation may be questioned by some, it is credible to say that only in the period leading up to and during the Civil War, in the 1850s and 1860s, do we find a comparable era when the American people were so socially and politically polarized. A sense of racial superiority and support of the institution of chattel slavery fueled 11 Southern states to secede from the Union in 1861 and set up an independent government called Confederate States of America. What followed was the deadliest war in the history of this country, resulting in over 618,000 combatants being killed.

    The historic election of Barack Hussein Obama in 2008 as the country’s first Black president was interpreted by a significant number of Americans as signaling a post-racial America. This perspective was soon debunked by subsequent events. In the immediate aftermath of Obama’s election, hundreds of cases of racially inspired hate crimes and other acts of intimidation against Blacks and ethnic minorities skyrocketed to levels unseen since at least the middle of the last century. The FBI and other intelligence agencies reported more credible death threats against Obama than any of his predecessors in the White House. Beyond the racist epithets and crude characterizations of Barak and Michelle Obama as apes or monkeys, and accusations that he was not born in the U.S., Obama was doggedly accused of being a Muslim, a claim that he repeatedly denied. The fact that his being labeled a Muslim was intended to be a denunciation is a testament to the climate of Islamophobia that existed in the United States at that time.

    Donald Trump’s election in 2016 was to a large degree a racist backlash against Obama. Trump’s unapologetically equivocal attitude toward White supremacist and neo-Nazi groups, and his refusal to condemn the extrajudicial killing of unarmed Black men and women by police officers across the country, have emboldened these groups. In addition, Trump’s draconian immigration policies for Latin America are unparalleled in the modern era. His patently Islamophobic statements and travel bans on citizens from seven Muslim-majority countries to the United States have militated against Muslim Americans being accepted as full citizens, regardless of historical and present contributions to society.

    Muslims in Early America

    Muslims in America represent the most ethnically diverse population in the world. Enslaved African Muslims were forcibly brought by the Spanish to the area in and around present-day Florida as early as the 1560s. Prior to becoming the third president of the United States, Thomas Jefferson was the governor of Virginia and he significantly influenced the Virginia state legislature to insert clauses in the state constitution that prohibited the establishment of a state-sponsored religion. He also persuaded the same of the framers of the U.S. Constitution.

    Those who wanted an official religion presumed that it would, of course, be Christianity. Most early 18th century Protestant Christians believed that the Islamic religion was outside the realm of an acceptable faith while others, like Jefferson, opined that the new nation should offer full citizenship to those outside the mainstream religion of Protestant Christianity. While Jefferson espoused concepts of freedom and equality for all men, he held hundreds of enslaved Africans on his Monticello plantation. The probability is great that at least a few of these were Muslim based on their West African origins and census data from the 1790 census. Jefferson had a fascination with the various religions and their teachings and, as a young lawyer, he purchased in 1765 an English translation of the Qur’an, a 1734 edition. But his advocacy for full citizenship rights for Muslims was presented hypothetically, as most Americans, including Jefferson most probably, were not aware at that time that many of the African slaves were Muslim. But even in the hypothetical, Muslims were not looked upon favorably. So, for Jefferson, they served as an indicator of whether a universal tolerance and guarantee of constitutional rights for all people would be enshrined in the Constitution.

    In 1807, Jefferson got definitive proof that Muslims, literate no less, were among the enslaved Africans. He received two hand-delivered manuscripts from Muslim fugitive slaves, written entirely in Arabic, appealing for their release from slavery. The Arabic verses were passages from the Qur’an addressing bondage and freedom. When Louisiana native Ira Nash delivered the manuscripts to the president, the two Muslims were moving eastward along the Cumberland River in Kentucky and Tennessee, hoping to return to Africa. The president was unsuccessful in locating the fugitives to free them.

    During the colonial period, there were many Christian denominations, including Anglicans, Baptists, and Presbyterians, and there were conflicts and persecutions by one Christian group against another. Later, in the 1800s, there were tensions between Protestants and Catholics, and violent attacks were aimed at Irish Catholic immigrants. In the early 1800s, Mormons were chased out of a number of Northeast states until they finally settled in Utah. The town where they settled was burned to the ground in 1844 by anti-Mormon agitators. The first occurrence of anti-Jewish sentiment was in the late 1800s. Considering this backdrop of religious conflict among various denominations and religions, it is not surprising that there was antipathy toward Muslims. But, again, because most Americans at that time didn’t personally know Muslims, it was a theoretical antipathy, with a perception of Islam as a foreign, violent religion. The animus toward Islam and Muslims by White Protestant Christians in 17th and 18th century America had been inherited primarily from European Catholic church doctrine and the general public attitude toward a faith they knew little about.

    Prince Among Slaves

    Even though the relatively few Muslim immigrants and the thousands of enslaved African Muslims were forced to operate on the margins of Colonial American society, often practicing their religion clandestinely, the existence of a Muslim presence was at times dramatically thrust into the national spotlight. One such example is that of Ibrahima Abdul Rahman Sori. Born in 1762 into a royal family in what is modern-day Guinea, he was captured in a tribal battle and sold into slavery at the age of 24. After Abdul Rahman’s chance encounter in Natchez, Mississippi with John Cox, a British doctor who had met Ibrahima decades before in his home village of Futa Jallon, Cox and his son tried for years, unsuccessfully, to purchase Abdul Rahman’s freedom. They were able, though, to publicize the story of the prince among slaves, making it known in Natchez and even beyond the state of Mississippi. In 1828, after Ibrahima had spent 40 years in captivity, President John Quincy Adams and his Secretary of State, Henry Clay, received a request from the Sultan of Morocco to release Abdul Rahman. After his emancipation, Abdul Rahman embarked on a high-profile national campaign to try to raise funds for the freedom of his wife Isabella and their nine children. He and Isabella returned to West Africa, but Abdul Rahman died before making it back to his village.

    Canaries in the Coal Mine

    Since the inception of the nation, Muslims and African-Americans have been the proverbial canaries in the coal mine, signaling whether true and full citizenship rights will be granted to all Americans. Despite fighting bravely in every war that the United States has fought and contributing much to the success and betterment of this nation, the loyalty of African Americans and Muslim Americans is again and again challenged by elected officials and opinion poll respondents after every incidence of foreign or domestic terror, even though according to the Center for Strategic & International Studies, “Right-wing attacks and plots account for the majority of all terrorist incidents in the United States since 1994, and the total number of right-wing attacks and plots has grown significantly during the past six years. Right-wing extremists perpetrated two thirds of the attacks and plots in the United States in 2019 and over 90 percent between January 1 and May 8, 2020.”

    During the decades of the 1950s and 1960s, millions of African Americans were influenced in their understanding of structural racism by the brilliant oratory and searing analysis of American society by Malcolm X. For 12 years, Malcolm X was the national spokesman for Elijah Muhammad and the Nation of Islam. He announced his departure from the organization on March 8, 1964, becoming one of the most prolific da’ees (callers to orthodox Islam) in the history of this country. Millions of African Americans have been influenced by his example to embrace Islam and actively engage in civil society. The Nation of Islam was a Black separatist, heterodox Muslim organization that served as a counterpoint to the integrationist efforts of the Civil Rights Movement. The message of Malcolm and the NOI held wide appeal to African Americans, particularly those trapped in cycles of poverty, drugs, and general disadvantage and hardship due to systems of oppression imposed on their communities. Prior to the 1970s, many “orthodox” African American Muslims were disengaged from the political system in the U.S. Thousands of African American Muslims started to vote and otherwise participate in “mainstream” American pursuits due the influence of Imam Warith Deen Mohammed. Imam Mohammed took over the leadership of the NOI after the death of his father, Elijah Muhammad.

    The circumstances surrounding the path to citizenship of immigrant Muslims coming to the U.S. could not have been more glaringly different from that of African Americans. After being kidnapped and forcibly brought in the bowels of slave ships to this country, African people were enslaved for roughly 250 years and denied de facto citizenship until the passage of the 14th Amendment to the Constitution in 1868. In contrast is the experience of immigrant Muslims. Since the passage of the Immigration and Naturalization Act of 1965, Muslims from Muslim-majority countries were allowed entry to the United States if immigration authorities classified them as having potential benefit to the country. This process of selective immigration essentially allowed only the brightest and most educated Muslims to enter. These new Muslim arrivals were almost uniformly classified as White for immigration purposes. Upon arrival, many of these immigrants were afforded amenities and perks that had been denied people of African descent due to structural racism. Hence, over the succeeding decades, the civic engagement of immigrant Muslims generally exceeded that of African American Muslims, especially in relationship to the electoral arena.

    The rise of Islamophobia in the U.S. since 9/11 has arguably created the greatest challenge to American Muslims. Hate crimes against Muslims have exponentially increased over the years as some elected officials ramp up negative rhetoric against the Muslim presence in this country. Still, Muslim immigrants to the U.S. have had a rather seamless transition into professional careers and business ownership, affording the Muslim community here the distinction of being the most educated and highest-earning Muslim population in the world.

    Active Participants in Civic Engagement

    Muslims in America must make critical decisions about our individual and collective actions moving forward. Our rights, privileges, and social opportunities are no longer discussed in abstract terms like during the formative days of the republic. We are no longer living on the margins of society but rather are increasingly active participants in civic engagement and social justice areas that are so important to our existence as Muslims. It is critical that we be clear about our Islamic identities and not immerse ourselves in pursuits, no matter how well intentioned, that take us away from our Islamic duties to Allah SWT, to ourselves, and to others. To a large degree, our actions are predicated on our knowledge and experiences. It is imperative that our Muslim leaders know and understand the history of this land. Otherwise, as so succinctly stated by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., we risk “leading our people into a burning house.” There is an expression that many Christians ruminate about when deciding a course of action: “What would Jesus do?” — (peace be upon him). Maybe, as Muslims, we should ask ourselves and one another as we chart our political and social collective paths, “What would Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) do?”