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Tag: teens

  • Helping Teens Set Goals and Stay Focused on Them

    Helping Teens Set Goals and Stay Focused on Them

    Developmental psychology proposes that everything that happens to us impacts, to lesser or greater degree, the way our brain develops. So, on top of our basic brain structure and inherent temperaments, the role of parents is key in providing experiences that will help develop a resilient, well-integrated brain. Parents who speak to their children about emotions and how to understand and manage them, facilitate their children developing emotional intelligence. Likewise, children, whose parents nurture a sense of curiosity and courage, are more eager to explore ideas and opportunities in the world and to develop aspirations and willingness to set goals for themselves. One of the biggest mistakes that parents make is wanting their children to live in the image of the parents and according to their definition of success. When children nourish their own dreams and develop their own goals, they are much more likely to succeed.

    A study by the Statistic Brain Research Institute finds that 45 percent of Americans usually make goals; 17 percent infrequently make goals; and 38 percent never make goals. The study also claims that a mere 8 percent of people achieve their New Year’s resolution, with 92 percent failing to attain their goal. So how do we get our teens to set goals and stay focused on them? Presented below is a widely used criteria, SMART, guidelines that can be used in the setting and attaining of goals. Also noted are ways that parents can support their teens in the process. Pertinent verses from the Qur’an are presented for each point.

    S = Specific
    M = Measurable
    A = Attainable
    R = Relevant
    T = Time-bound

    Goals Must Be Specific

    In the Qur’an, Allah states, “We shall set up scales of justice for the Day of Judgment, so that not a soul will be dealt with unjustly in the least, and if there be the weight of a mustard seed, We will bring it; and sufficient are We as reckoners” (21:47). Allah’s plan for accountability is so specific that the smallest deed, so small it is compared to the size of a mustard seed, will be placed on the scales of justice.

    Likewise, our aspiring teen must be very specific in his or her goal. If the goal is long-term, even a life goal, then there should be milestones that the teen should aim for, on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. For example, if the goal is to be an NBA player, there can be daily practice times allotted, monthly skill attainments, and a year by which the teen aims to get drafted to an NBA team.

    The parental involvement here should be one of encouragement for their teenager to make specific goals, goals that are defined and laid out with milestones that are very specific. Here, again, it’s important that parents not impose their desire to see their children striving for goals that would be a reflection of the parents and their vision and priorities. The role of the parent is to help the teen draft their own goal, on their own terms.

    Goals Must Be Measurable

    Striving toward a goal is a process and there must be milestones that are achieved in pursuit of the goal. Each milestone that is met is a further motivation to stay on track and push further along the way. These milestones are like stages in a development of a skill or a mastery of some sort. In the Qur’an, Allah talks about the stages of development of the human fetus. “Verily We created man from an essence of clay; then We made the drop into a clinging substance, then fashioned it into a lump. Then We created the lump into bones and then clothed the bones with flesh; and then We produce it as another creation. So blessed is Allah, the best of creators” (Qur’an 23:12-14).

    Allah outlines the stages of development with discernible outcomes and benchmarks, and we know from the study of fetal development that there is a clear timing for each stage of development of the fetus in the womb. So, our young aspiring NBA player must highlight important skills and experience that he wants to attain by a certain time. This is how he will measure his progress as he works toward his goal. The parents can help the teen by reminding him that the milestones are important but that he can always reassess where he is on the path and make necessary or desired adjustments. Milestones are simply measurable signifiers in an ongoing development as one aims toward mastery.

    Goals Must Be Attainable

    Allah mentions in the Qur’an, “And establish prayer and give zakat and obey the Messenger – that you may receive mercy” (24:56). And in another verse, He says, “O you who believe! Verily, intoxicants and games of chance and idols and divining arrows are an abomination from the work of Satan. So, avoid it so that you may be successful” (5:90). These verses indicate some things that believers should do and some things they should avoid in order to achieve the ultimate goal! In the same way, the teen who sets a goal must know what to do and what to avoid in order for his or her goal to be attainable. If not, they have nothing but a formula for failure.

    Now if the measurable benchmarks set by our potential NBA player are too demanding, cultivating unhappiness or frustration, they will not be attained. Avoiding unrealistic benchmarks guards against the teen feeling demotivated and deterred from continuing on his path toward the goal. The parent can help the teen draft their daily schedules in alignment with the goal. Help them come up with a list of priorities — for example, schoolwork, religious duties and activities, social and recreational time, in addition to working toward the goal. The parent can discuss with the teen the importance of refraining from anything that may lead to hurdles or setbacks in attaining the goal such as occupying their valuable time in wasteful activities. It is imperative for the parent to set an example through role modeling by setting of priorities in their own life and working toward attainable goals.

    Goals Must Be Relevant

    A very critical aspect of a goal is that it be relevant to the individual, an objective that is ardently desired, and not an idea for a goal presented by someone else. It must make sense for the teen for it to be deemed doable and create the inner spark to chase it. The Qur’an makes clear why practicing Islam and worshipping Allah as prescribed is relevant to human beings and why it is the ultimate goal. “Their Lord gives them good tidings of mercy from Him and approval and of gardens for them wherein is enduring pleasure, abiding therein forever. Indeed, Allah has with Him a great reward” (9:21-22).

    The goal chosen by a teenager must be relevant to him or her. It must have significance to them personally for them to stay motivated and work hard toward their objective. Even the action plan that the teen makes must be appropriate and relevant to their particular circumstances. If Michael Jordan used to practice 20 hours a day and eat six eggs for breakfast, that does not mean that the teen who aspires to play in the NBA needs to do the same. The parent can help the teen make sure that their chosen goal really matters to them and that they are willing to put in the time and effort to achieve it.

    Goals Must Be Time-Bound

    Finally, every goal must be time-bound. We are reminded in the Qur’an that we have a prescribed time in this world to accomplish what we set out to do. We are reminded that this life is fleeting and time-bound. “Allah is the one who created you from weakness, then made after weakness strength, then made after strength weakness and white hair. He creates what He wills, and He is the Knowing, the All-powerful” (30:54).

    Likewise, the teen must keep in mind that his goal must be time-bound as well, not open-ended so that he or she feels too casual and easygoing about it. The point here is that time plays a pivotal role in working toward and achieving one’s goal. A parent can help their teen by advising him or her to mark certain dates on their calendar to revisit their goal and check how much has been achieved and if not, amend and refresh certain areas to facilitate achieving their target. One common obstacle to achieving a goal is the constant barrage of distractions. It is up to the parents to demonstrate patience and self-discipline in their own lives to set a good example for their teen.

    A Valuable Gift

    Summing it up, the SMART acronym provides a set of criteria that can be used in goal-setting. Thus, we know that goals must be specific. And indeed, every specific and attainable goal is healthy and beneficial for your teen. Encourage your teen to set their goals high, but to make sure their milestones are measurable and that the goal itself, as well as its actionable parts, are relevant to them, something that matters to them personally. Work diligently with your teen towards achieving their goals by guiding them to filter out distractions, making sure they realize that the best use of time is essential to achieving any goal, that goals must be time-bound. There will be pitfalls and hurdles along the way in the journey, but help your teen remember that it’s all about rising after a fall and picking up the positive momentum once again. Through SMART, parents can give their teens a valuable gift —the gift of setting and achieving goals. In this way they will thrive and, in shaa’ Allah, be successful in their lives!

  • Staying Focused on Your Goals: Challenges, Obstacles, and Solutions

    Staying Focused on Your Goals: Challenges, Obstacles, and Solutions

    As human beings, we all have dreams that we wish to achieve in life. However, some of us continue to dream, while others wake up and chase those dreams, giving them form so that they become practical and attainable goals. When chasing a dream, one will encounter many obstacles and challenges, and upon encountering these barriers, many people cease the chase and return to the dreaming phase. Some of the most common of these barriers include vague or disorganized goal-setting, inconsistent work ethic, and procrastinating behaviors. Those who overcome these barriers are precise in their goal-setting and consistent in their action,avoiding procrastination by having a detailed schedule. These qualities lead them to become dream chasers, those who are able to wake up and take the proper steps to achieve their dream.

    Setting a Clear Goal and Being Consistent

    Before beginning to work towards a goal, one must set a clear goal first. Although this may seem like the simplest step, it is often the first obstacle in the path to achieving a goal. Oftentimes, we set unclear goals, and our pursuit of them is confused and disorganized. It is as if we are searching for something but are unsure of what we are searching for. As the famous author Jack Canfield once said: “Vague goals produce vague results.” Perhaps one of the most common goals that people set is “losing some weight.” What people fail to do is define exactly how much weight they wish to lose and the daily exercises they will engage in to achieve that goal. When they find that their disorganized efforts are not resulting in progress, they give up. This lack of clarity is what makes all sorts of individuals cease their pursuit of a dream. When setting your goal, you must be as specific as possible. Instead of saying that you want to “lose weight,” your goal should be that you want to “lose ten pounds in ten weeks by losing a pound a week.” Without specificity, we often find ourselves dreaming about an elusive goal instead of methodically pursuing that goal. It’s also important to articulate why you want to achieve a particular goal. If you want to lose weight, you might list that you want to do soin order to be healthier, to have more energy, to feel more comfortable in your clothing, and to be more confident in everything you do. Knowing why you want to achieve a goal, and keeping those intentions or purposes in mind, helps to stay motivated. The Prophet (s) said, “Actions are but by intention…” In fact, the intention of an action, in this case action toward a goal, is its foundation.

    On the road to achieving any dream, a lack of consistency is a major obstacle. Consistency is an integral part of achieving any goal, and it is what really sets the dreamers apart from the dream chasers. Dream chasers are the ones who do not wait for a moment of brilliant motivation, rather, they are the ones who achieve their goals by consistently taking small steps every single day to edge closer to their goal. The Prophet (s),for the first 13 years of his mission, consistently preached to whoever would listen and saw minimal success. It is estimated that when he left Mecca for Medina, there were only around 100 Muslims, meaning he gained an average of fewer than ten followers a year. Today, there are 1.8 billion Muslims, comprising the majority of the population in 49 out of the 195 countries in the world.The Prophet was disciplined, consistent, and dedicated to his goal despite encountering major obstacles all along the way.

    If your dream is to score high on the SAT, then you must work towards this goal every single day, set aside a specified amount of time each day to work towards this goal. If your goal is to be an elite athlete, then you must practice and work towards this goal every single day. In his book Outliers, author Malcolm Gladwell demonstrated that in order to achieve greatness in any field it is necessary to dedicate at least 10,000 hours towards it. He was referring to expertise and mastery in a complex task such as grandmaster level in chess or world-class neurosurgery. Goals like these require years of consistent practice and discipline. Many goals, however, are more modest but still require disciplined consistency, making it clear that in order to achieve any dream, consistency is perhaps the most important quality in the process.

    Overcoming Procrastination

    Another major challenge for young men and women in achieving a dream is procrastination. Oftentimes, people lose interest in their goals simply because they put no pressure on themselves to achieve a goal. They do not have any schedules or deadlines that push them to be resolute and consistent with their efforts. This leads to conscious or unconscious procrastination and a vague hope that “somehow and sometime” the dream will achieve itself. This mindset is similar to thinking that we can just leave everything to Allah to take care of, rather than taking whatever action is needed. A man once asked the Prophet (s) if he should tie his camel and trust in Allah or leave the camel untied and just trust that Allah will keep it safe. The Prophet (s) replied, “Tie her and trust in Allah.” This wisdom clearly demonstrates the necessity of taking action; and regarding goals, consistent action is absolutely necessary. One cannot simply postpone the dream and hope for it to occur itself; it requires consistent effort, and procrastination derails that effort completely. In order to achieve any dream, create a precise schedule and impose deadlines on yourself to keep yourself motivated and consistent. If your goal is to write and publish a book within a year, do not leave the task to the final few months. Start early, write every day, set yourself page-count deadlines, and make sure that you meet your realistic deadlines. Every deadline is simply a step closer to your ultimate goal, step by step to reach the summit of your dream.

    In summary, one’s thought process when working to achieve a goal should be clear and practical— having a clear goal of what you want to accomplish, knowing why you want to achieve that goal, having a disciplined action plan, and being consistent. Lastly, no matter how demanding, challenging, or frustrating the process may be, do not abandon your goal. Albert Einstein once remarked that “It’s not that I am so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.” He’s talking about being patient and perseverant. Sabr, in fact, is an amazing Islamic trait and its meaning is both patience and perseverance! The Prophet (s) said,“Whoever persists in having sabr, Allah will give him sabr. Nobody can be given a blessing better and more comprehensive than sabr” (Bukhari). Therefore, be patient and persevere, put your trust in Allah, and follow through with your plan to achieve your goal.

    Dream Chasers

    Many young men and women today have dreams, in fact, almost all of them do. However, very few are able to recognize and implement the steps necessary to achieve those dreams. Instead, they find themselves chasing vague ideas, being inconsistent, or pushing away their deadlines until they forget the goal entirely. A small minority of people, however, understand the process of goalsetting and achieving. Those who successfully chase their dreams are crystal clear about their end goal and why they are working toward it.They consistently and methodically work towards their goal on a daily basis and have clear schedules and deadlines that keep them on track to achieve their dream. This small minority are not just dreamers, they are dream chasers, and through understanding the methodology to set and achieve goals, one can join this select group.

  • Faithful Listening: A Gift of Yourself

    Faithful Listening: A Gift of Yourself

    Many parents want to improve their communication with their teenage children. As general guidelines, parents should always ensure that channels of communication stay open, that they focus more on positives than negatives during conversations with their teens, and that they make effort to create opportunities to have conversations that create connection, affection, and simple, positive interaction. Another important point, to make sure that your teen feels comfortable confiding in you, is to affirm their emotional experience while giving advice, rather than undermining what they feel. Below are two scripts between a teenage girl and her mother. The first one involves a mother who undermines and negates the daughter’s feelings, responding to everything the daughter says with a dismissive platitude; the second one involves a mother who affirms her daughter’s feelings while helping her put the experience in a broader perspective and find solutions. The second approach brings the mother and daughter closer together while the first one drives a wedge between them.

    Script #1

    Teenage girl: Mom, I’m really depressed cause a bunch of girls got together over the weekend to hang out and I wasn’t invited. I just don’t get it cause I’m friends with some of them and I’m sure they would have suggested inviting me. It makes me think that some of them must hate me or someone said something that made them all want to exclude me….but I’m really bummed about it and feel left out and disliked.

    Mom: What’s the difference, you’ll be going off to college next year and won’t see any of them again. Everybody gets excluded sometime and it’s not worth getting all worked up about.

    Teenage girl: Yeah but I’m going to feel embarrassed when I see these girls tomorrow in school.

    Mom: No, you won’t. There’s no reason to feel embarrassed.

    Teenage girl: But two of them are my best friends. And now I have a bad feeling toward them.

    Mom: Think about something else, like going to grandma’s house next week, insha’Allah.

    Teenage girl: You just don’t understand what’s it’s like!

    Mom: Yes, I do, nobody is more understanding than me! But we have to move on in our lives, nothing is so important in high school that you have to get bent out of shape.

    Teenage girl: My friends are really important to me…I’d be so unhappy if I didn’t have them to hang out with and go through things with.

    Mom: So, get new friends and stop complaining! In fact, try cleaning up your room…it’s a disgusting mess. That’ll take your mind off this silly thing.

    Teenage girl: You don’t understand anything. Leave me alone.

    Script #2

    Teenage girl: Mom, I’m really depressed cause a bunch of girls got together over the weekend to hang out and I wasn’t invited. I just don’t get it cause I’m friends with some of them and I’m sure they would have suggested inviting me. It makes me think that some of them must hate me or someone said something that made them all want to exclude me….but I’m really bummed about it and feel left out and disliked.

    Mom: I know what you mean. It does hurt when you feel excluded. But maybe it wasn’t intentional. Couldn’t you just ask one of them how come you weren’t invited?

    Teenage girl: Yeah but I’m going to feel embarrassed to ask.

    Mom: Ask one of the girls who you consider a good friend. If she really is a good friend to you, she’ll answer you honestly and she’ll do it in a way that doesn’t make you feel bad, insha’Allah.

    Teenage girl: Well two of them are my best friends. But now I have a bad feeling toward them.

    Mom: You might feel like they turned their backs on you. But you shouldn’t presume that. There may be some reason why they didn’t say anything to you. Maybe the girl whose house they went to is jealous of you or something like that and your two friends weren’t sure if they should say something to you. But if you bring it up, they might even welcome a discussion about it. It’s possible they are feeling badly that you were left out.

    Teenage girl: Mom, you always have good ideas that help me figure things out.

    Mom: I try to be understanding of your feelings. I know it’s tough being a teenager and I remember how hard it is sometimes to figure things out. Honey, I’m always available whenever you need to talk. I’m your greatest supporter and always willing to listen and help!

    Teenage girl: You’re right, I should just ask my friends in a straightforward way why I wasn’t invited. My friends are really important to me…I’d be so unhappy if I didn’t have them to hang out with and go through things with.

    Mom: If they’re true friends, and you honestly and sincerely ask them to help you understand this situation, it will only bring you closer together.

    Teenage girl: Thanks Mom, I feel so much better.

    An adage about listening imparts a powerful lesson: love to listen, listen to love. Consider what the Prophet (s) said: “Part and parcel of a believer’s morals and character is excellence when he speaks, excellence in listening when spoken to, a cheerful welcoming face when he meets someone, and fulfilling a promise if he promises” (Al-Daylami). Excellence in listening is listening in a way that leads to sensitivity to, and understanding of, another person’s feelings, thoughts, and experience.

    Impediments to Effective Listening

    When practicing effective listening, it is important to avoid the pitfalls of poor listening. The following are impediments to effective listening:

    • Feeling impatient; this is often connected to being preoccupied with other matters or being stressed or anxious and unable to relax enough to really listen.
    • Talking excessively; this seriously limits opportunities to empathize with, learn from, and/or honor others by listening to them. As a start, follow the very wise advice of the Prophet’s companion, Abdullah ibn Masood: “Allah SWT created us with one mouth and two ears, so we can listen twice as much as we speak!”
    • Feeling self-important; this is the tendency to think that what we have to say is more important than what the other person has to say.
    • Having preconceived notions or biases about the speaker, his/her opinion, or the topic brought up. This actually distorts how you receive what is being said. Hearing what you expect to hear or want to hear is known as “selective listening” and this compromises one’s ability to participate in genuine and mutually satisfying communication.
    • Judging what is said according to simplified categories such like/don’t like, agree/don’t agree.
    Observations About the Gift of Good Listening.

    Listening to another person, listening really attentively, is like giving a gift of yourself. It shows your willingness to see and feel life through the other person’s experience, if just for a moment. The Prophet (s) was the greatest listener. In fact, there were those who mocked him for this trait. “And among them are men who hurt the Prophet and say, ‘he is (all) ear.’ Say: ‘He listens to what is best for you; he believes in Allah, has faith in believers and is a mercy to those of you who believe…’” (Qur’an9:61). The Prophet’s companion, Anas (r) said, “Part and parcel of marooa his for a brother (or sister) to listen silently to his brother (or sister) when they speak” (Al-Tareekh by Al-Khateeb). Marooah is a comprehensive word in Arabic whose meaning includes intelligence, power, bravery, generosity and honor. When we listen in silence to another person, what we are doing is offering them a purity of attention. Practicing silence, whether when listening to someone, or at any other time, is profoundly beneficial. But being really silent is unfamiliar to many people. Yet, the blessings found in practicing silence are many. The Prophet (s) said, “Indeed silence is wisdom but very few practice it” (Al-Bayhaqi and Ibn Hibban). He also said, “Whoever is pleased to be whole and pure, let him practice silence”(Ibn Abi Al-Dunya and Al-Bayhaqi). In fact, Jaber ibn Sumarah, a companion of the Prophet, reported, “I used to accompany the Prophet (s) and he was silent most of the time” (Ahmad and at-Tabarani).

    It is only in silence that we can take into account the speaker’s tone of voice, body language, facial expression, and attitude. But listening in silence includes silencing the incessant inner chatterer in the mind. This internal monologue is often quick to judge others. In order to genuinely connect with another person, we have to suspend judgement long enough to hear what is being said and try to understand where the speaker is coming from. The purpose of communication is to connect and understand. Many people listen half-consciously or pretend to listen while being distracted by their own thoughts.

    When we listen attentively, with good faith, we are ensuring the following:

    • Encouraging and open and honest sharing of ideas, feelings, and viewpoints
    • Having a demeanor that conveys that you are interested in what the speaker has to say
    • Listening as if there is nothing more important at that time
    • Acknowledging in a deep way that you care about what they have to say, about their need, or problem, or viewpoint
    • Showing willingness to enter the world of the speaker, to experience their message from their point of view

     

    If we review the two scripts above, in the first one, the mother fails in each of the points just listed. In the second script, the mother exemplifies each of the points. Listening in this way is compassionate and caring. It facilitates a genuine understanding of the speaker and what they are trying to communicate, and it allows for a thoughtful and heartful response to their viewpoint, their need, their humanness. Being able to hear is a blessing. Being willing to really listen is a way of being thankful to Allah SWT for all that He bestows.

    “It is Allah who brought you forth from the wombs of your mothers while you knew nothing; and He gave you hearing and sight and hearts that you may give thanks” (Qur’an 16:78).

  • It’s Your Life – Balance It with Your Faith

    It’s Your Life – Balance It with Your Faith

    It’s easy to get overwhelmed with life — school, career choices, family, friends, social activism, political involvement, worship, etc. Sometimes you just wonder, “where is the right balance.”

    Being a young American Muslim means navigating social, political, cultural, and personal challenges

    The Quran and the teachings of the Prophet (peace be upon him) don’t just lay out a simplistic or doctrinaire formula to follow for balancing one’s life because human beings are complex, diverse in our demographics and personal attributes. Rather than giving a formula, the Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh) give us guidelines on how to tackle the personal, social, spiritual, cultural, political, and occupational challenges in our lives.

    Inspiring Social Change

    It all begins with one’s connection to Allah. That connection, revisited five times a day with daily prayer, is the foundation for the right spiritual orientation that serves as the basis for balancing every other aspect of one’s life. An important result of the right spiritual orientation, related to the social, political, and cultural aspects of life, is social activism. When faith becomes fully absorbed and embraced, it not only becomes a means of change in the individual, but a means to change the society he/she lives in as well.

    I recently read and was inspired by the biography of Badsha Khan (1890 – 1988), the Pathan social worker and activist who founded the non-violent volunteer social group Khudai Khidmatgar (Servants of God) and established schools/literary centers throughout the forsaken Northern Indian Frontier. This was key to changing the cultural stagnation of his people and bringing about India’s independence from British colonialism. Even Gandhi was a fan and joined forces with him, calling him an “unquestionable man of God.” Badsha Khan was indeed a man of faith, and that faith became a catalyst for change in him, and then for the society around him.

    A key to finding balance in your life with your career is just finding what makes you happy, and being excellent at that

    When Pope Francis visited America last year and gave his historic speech to congress, he mentioned Dorothy Day amongst his four most notable figures in American history that were so vital for making this country great. Dorothy Day (1897-1980) was a convert to Catholicism, a journalist and social activist who started the Catholic Worker Movement. This became the foundation for the many hundreds of soup kitchens and other Catholic charities we see around the country today. During her time, anti-Catholic sentiment was very high. But with the establishment of many Catholic orphanages, schools, and hospitals, all building blocks of positive social change, the Catholic religion became “normalized,” woven into the fabric of American culture.

    The social activism of people like Badsha Khan and Dorothy Day is very inspiring, and is exactly the kind of contributions that young Muslims of America can offer today. No one is more equipped with creativity, energy, intelligence, and American authenticity to “normalize” Islam and combat the current trends of Islamophobia, than the Muslim youth of America today. At the same time, their social activism can also serve to make the country a better place for all Americans. Not everyone needs to be a Badsha Khan or Dorothy Day, but part of finding the balance in one’s faith is using it not just as a means of self-improvement, but improvement and bettering of the society you live in as well. The Prophet (pbuh) said, “the best people are those who are the most beneficial to others.”

    Identity: ‘O My People’

    The reason that the likes of people like Badsha Khan and Dorothy Day were so successful is that they were able to see their fellow Indians and Americans, respectively, as “their people.” This is the prophetic spirit that serves as a most essential aspect of embracing an identity that is conducive for social change, and balancing between one’s Muslim and American roots. I say it is the prophetic spirit because all throughout the Quran, the prophets (peace be upon them) addressed their people as “O my people” (ya qawmy). That is a term of endearment, and a term that suggests belonging to, and identification with, the very people they were addressing. This despite the fact that the people they were addressing were mostly pagan or polytheist. Thus, it is possible to belong to a people, feel deep concern for their welfare, and have feelings of affection for them even if they don’t share your religion. They may not be your ummah (religious community), but they are a part of your qawm (people).

    Faith should not just inspire how to interact with and change the larger society you live in, but how you see yourself and your place in that larger society as well

    A question then arises. How many of our Muslim youth can look at their neighbor, be he/she ethnically, demographically, racially and/or religiously different, and truly, honestly feel in their hearts that they are “my people.” Perhaps a more important question follows: how can we be a catalyst of social change and benefit for them if we don’t feel that belonging, identification, and affection? And how can we have a balanced approach to a Muslim-American identity if we don’t embrace that? Faith should not just inspire how to interact with and change the larger society you live in, but how you see yourself and your place in that larger society as well.

    Political Involvement

    Political awareness and engagement on local, state, and national levels are essential to giving Muslims the voice they need to achieve relevance and consideration of our interests on the national level. Interestingly, the Prophet (pbuh) stated that using one’s voice to instigate change for the better is a religious obligation. He said, “When one sees a wrong, let him change it by his hand, and if he cannot, then by his tongue…” The tongue is what produces voice. Tasweet in the Arabic language means to produce a voice, but it also means to vote.

    Many Muslims may not see political involvement as a necessary part of faith — and it isn’t. But producing change with one’s “voice” is, and there is no greater or more effective way of doing that than voting. Especially now, when the country’s soul is essentially up for grabs in this historic election. Young Muslims have many opportunities for more political involvement, whether it be on the local or national level. Organizations such as MPAC and CAIR are good places to start. Regardless of the approach, having a strong political awareness and voice is a key component to a faith-driven balanced life for the American Muslim.

    Aim High and Pursue Your Passion

    I once gave a talk about career choices and was approached by a well-intentioned “uncle” afterwards. He told me that this idea of pursuing one’s passion as a life career choice was ridiculous, and that I did not understand the “rule of fours.” I asked him what that was, and he told me in his culture you are either a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or failure. Yup – that’s it — four options. Unfortunately, this kind of sentiment is all too pervasive in the Muslim community. If everyone is a doctor, lawyer, or engineer, not only would that create imbalance in our communities, but psychologically it would create imbalance in anyone who is not naturally passionate about those fields. A key to finding balance in your life with your career is just finding what makes you happy, and being excellent at that. Muhammad Ali was not a doctor, lawyer, or engineer, but he became an honorable and beloved man by being true to himself and sincere in his faith; and he pursued his passion until he became great at it. American Muslims need to follow that example, and aim high in their careers. The Prophet (pbuh) said at the end of a longer hadith, “…If you ask of Allah, ask Him for Firdaus [the highest place in Paradise]” (Sunan Ibn Majah). We can infer from this that we are meant to aim high in all our endeavors. In fact, of the three dimensions of faith — Islam, eman, ihsan — ihsan is the pinnacle. The basic meaning of “ihsan” is excellence, the pursuit of perfection; and we are instructed, as Muslims, to strive for excellence in all aspects of our lives, in our intentions, words, and actions. Thus, it is the sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh) to aim high in one’s career, whatever that career choice is — not limiting oneself to a few possible professions.

    Allah said that the parable of a good word (meaning any utterance or idea that is true and good and beneficial) is like a good tree, “…its roots firmly fixed, and it’s branches [reaching out] toward the sky…” (Quran 14:24). One beautiful commentary about the “branches [reaching out] toward the sky” states that Allah said that to show that for the person of faith, there is no end to their potential. Such should be the psychology of the young American Muslim, with whatever career path they choose in life. I’m reminded of the hadith where the Prophet (pbuh) put his hand on the shoulder of Salman Al-Farsi and said “If this faith were to reach the constellation of Pleiades (tharya), it would be someone from this person’s type that would reach it” (Bukhari). What better way of showing that the real sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh) is to really “reach for the stars.” The only real way to find balance in one’s life with their career is to follow the Prophet’s sunnah and aim high. The only way to really do this is truly to pursue your passion.

    Making Time for Family, Friends, and Fun

    We are social creatures, and without a constant dose of healthy social engagement, our lives will not be balanced. This is a prophetically recognized need. When Ibrahim (pbuh) left his family in the barren land of Becca (now called Mecca) he made dua for them, asking Allah to “incline people’s hearts towards them” (Quran 14:37). That is essentially the foundation for a social network.

    Having a strong network of friends and family in one’s life is not just an important part of a balanced life, but a healthy part of life in general. In fact, it’s likely a part of why some communities in the world tend to live longer than others. That is what Dan Buettner shows in his bestseller book, “Blue Zones,” that looks at places in the world where people live the longest — Sardinia, Italy; Okinawa, Japan; Nicoya, Costa Rica; and a community of Seventh-day Adventists in Loma Linda, California). Amongst other factors, all had strong social networks, with large and frequent family and friend get-togethers. Having family and friends in our lives is one of the most important components of a balanced life, as they see us from an angle we don’t see ourselves, and have our best interest in mind with their advice, support, and constructive criticism.

    And in the midst of it all, don’t forget to have some time to yourself and just have fun! We know about sleep debt, but few people know that we can also have a “play debt,” as detailed by Dr. Stuart Brown in his bestseller book “Play.” Whether it be sports, games, or simple playfulness, don’t forget to include some play in your life. Even the Prophet (pbuh) would take time to race with Aisha (R). Having a faith-driven balanced life means having fun too.

    In conclusion, being a young American Muslim means navigating social, political, cultural, and personal challenges. These challenges apply in many ways to every person, but also in other ways are unique to each individual. The Quran and teachings of the Prophet (pbuh) provide timeless advice for navigating those challenges, and balancing one’s life in healthy, happy, and successful ways.

  • Detecting Early Signs of Risk in Our Youth

    Detecting Early Signs of Risk in Our Youth

    Young children and teens today are bombarded from all around them via fellow peers, enticing ads, music, movies, and more, all calling them to engage in harmful behaviors. They are told to do whatever will make them “happy” or “fulfilled,” messages that turn them away from modesty, decency, common sense, and wisdom. It is essential that we, as community leaders, parents, educators, and medical and mental health professionals be aware of the constant struggle that is faced by today’s youth. We must not dismiss or deny signs of risky behavior, or believe that our youth are immune to such things as alcohol or drug use, or becoming sexually active.

    My question to the parents is always “What prevented you from seeking help when you started noticing a change in your child’s behavior?”

    We must also learn to recognize the warning signs and take action right away before things progressively become worse. In order to understand the struggle, we must first take a look at what could lead to psychological, spiritual, and/or social decline in our youth and what we can do to prevent that. Although these three categories are intertwined and influence one another, we will look at them separately to more deeply understand the impact of each.

    Psychological

    In her recent article, 12 Warning Signs Your Child May Have a Mental Health Issue, Dr. Susan Newman discusses “parent radar,” an essential tool all parents have that can help them discern if there is a psychological issue to be dealt with. The parent radar is the innate sense that something is not right with your child even though others may be telling you that it is a phase or a stage and the child will grow out of it. It is the feeling deep down that the mood swings, aggressive behavior, or overeating are not just part of growing up and learning how to cope with and navigate the complexities of life, but are a result of a deeper issue the child is dealing with. Trusting that feeling is essential because ignoring it could lead to dire consequences. When there is a feeling that something is just not right, it is time to seek help to rule out any mental health issues the child may be struggling with. Ignoring the feeling and hoping the issue will go away is where many parents go wrong. The issue will only increase in intensity and will become that much more difficult to resolve.

    I often have parents come into my office with a child who is being disruptive or disrespectful to the parent, a child who is failing in school, a girl who is being aggressive with her siblings, or a boy who has become withdrawn and non-communicative with family members. When I ask how long this has been going on, they typically answer: a few months, over a year, or sometimes a few years. My question to the parents is always “What prevented you from seeking help when you started noticing a change in your child’s behavior?” The answer is not always the same, but most often it is: “We didn’t think it was a big deal” or “We thought it would go away on its own.”

    It is essential to reach out for help when any warning signs present themselves. Ann Douglas, author of Parenting Through the Storm: Find Help, Hope, and Strength When Your Child Has Psychological Problems, discusses the warning signs to look out for. A few of these are frequent mood swings; display of intense emotions such as angry outbursts or extreme fear; difficulty sleeping or having nightmares; a lot of physical complaints. These are just a few of the many warning signs in children that may indicate that a psychological component is playing a part. It is important to be aware of the fact that any significant, extreme, or negative change in your child’s normal mood or behavior should be looked into. As parents, we must keep the communication open with our children, preteens, and teens so that we are able to discuss honestly and directly with them any concerns we may have with regard to their behavior. When children feel comfortable talking to their parents, they are more likely to turn to them for help.

    Spiritual

    Too often parents clash with their children or teens over religion, urging them to pray salah and read Quran, and wondering where they went wrong when their child refuses to comply or follow through. There is a common fear among Muslim parents that their children will go astray and completely denounce the deen or not wish to live a life of obedience to Allah’s commands. Parents spend many nights on the prayer rug earnestly seeking Allah’s help in guiding their children. Prayers are a huge step in the right direction, but so is patient, loving communication and interaction with our children. From a very young age, the parent is the role model when it comes to religion. They must be authoritative (not authoritarian), yet kind and fair. If religion is associated with any misbehavior or less than mature words and actions on the part of the parent(s), the child is likely going to feel alienated from Islam. Educating your child about the deen, demonstrating on a daily basis its values and principles, and imbuing it with meaning and purpose and joy through your love and encouragement – all this is essential, especially in the teen years.

    Warning signs of spiritual decline include a lack of interest in going to the masjid, in reading the Quran, or in praying. These may seem obvious but what may not be as clear is the feeling underneath the lack of interest. What is occurring inside the child/teen that is leading to this distance from deen? This must be unearthed in order for the spiritual decline to be understood and addressed. I have often seen in my practice teens who have lost hope in Allah because of prayers being unanswered, or others who have committed sins that they do not believe they could be forgiven. Trust, hope, and belief in Allah’s mercy are essential discussions to engage youth in so that they can relate these valuable principles to their own situations. Again, communication is always key. A connection to your teen and awareness of what he/she is going through is necessary in order to be a mentor, a compelling influence, and a source of guidance and comfort to him or her.

    Social

    The social life of preteens and teens is so important to them. This stage of life is when they are discovering themselves and, therefore, depend very highly on their peers. We know it well that Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has said: “Man is influenced by the faith of his friends. Therefore, be careful of whom you associate with.” This statement must be focused on in this stage of a person’s life because the early teen years are when strong friendships are being developed. As parents, we must be aware of the people who are spending time with our youth, and the influence they may have on them, for good or ill. If our children are showing any signs of disinterest in being around family, mistreating others, becoming non-communicative, isolating themselves, etc., we must take note and remedy the situation before it worsens.

    Perhaps greater than the influence of friends is the influence of the Internet. Social media has grown so exponentially that many parents are unable to keep up with the different apps and social media outlets that the youth connect to and engage in on a daily basis, often multiple times a day. Inappropriate words, pictures, and videos can be shared in an instant, and access to them has become easier than ever before. Dr. Carolyn C. Ross, in her article, Overexposed and Under-Prepared: The Effects of Early Exposure to Sexual Content, notes the danger:

    Research has long established that teens who watch movies or listen to music that glamorizes drinking, drug use or violence tend to engage in those behaviors themselves. A 2012 study shows that movies influence teens’ sexual attitudes and behaviors as well. The study, published in Psychological Science, found that the more teens were exposed to sexual content in movies, the earlier they started having sex and the likelier they were to have casual, unprotected sex.

    It is simple common sense that there are detrimental effects on children from exposure to sexual and violent content. We as parents must strive to minimize such exposure via phones, tablets, and computers. Limits must be placed on when and where the device is used and for how long. There are numerous parental controls that are available on devices so that parents can control what their children are being exposed to. Some warning signs to look out for include: a decrease in time spent with family, an increase in time spent on devices, a decrease in communication/interaction with others, and any negative attitude or behavior change. Constant monitoring and open discussions with teens about sex, alcohol/drugs, and violence can prevent exposure and the more feared result, addiction. Children as young as nine years old are being exposed to pornography, and we simply cannot ignore this issue any longer; we must openly discuss in our homes and in our Islamic centers the danger to our children.

    Prevention is Key

    Unfortunately, parents so often seek professional help only when a situation with their child has reached crisis proportions. We as a community need to encourage one another to ask for help, to seek counseling, and to attend workshops so that we can work to prevent psychological, spiritual, and social problems in our youth. We must be proactive in creating resources within the community to protect the youth from harmful influences. The greatest need for children is connection and a sense of belonging. When they feel a lack of connection to their parents and to their community, that is when the need for something else comes into the picture. These feelings of loneliness and isolation drive teens to turn to drugs and sex, and also make them susceptible to depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions.

    Communication is essential among families, friends, and community members so that we can assist one another when a warning sign presents itself. Counseling should never be a last resort but, instead, must be a resource that we encourage one another to utilize in times of chronic or acute stress, or any alarming concern. This can prevent even larger problems from taking hold of our families and communities. It is time we moved forward, from burying our heads in the sand to facing the problems head and heart on.

  • Seeking His Shade: Growing up in the Worship of God

    Seeking His Shade: Growing up in the Worship of God

    Have you ever heard the saying — Youth is wasted on the young? Those of us who can still lay claim to being young often have no real sense of the value of our youth. We’re strong in body, passionate in emotion, and have ample free time that makes older folks envious. There are young people who use their youthful years wisely, and others who fritter it away as though it holds no worth, thinking, “I’ll change sooner or later but I’ve got time to do whatever I want now.”

    Youth is a time of exploration. Older youth don’t yet have the family, financial, and civic responsibilities of an adult; but they have time, energy, health, and exuberant curiosity to explore, develop skills, and grow in knowledge

    Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, “Take benefit of five before five: your youth before your old age, your health before your sickness, your wealth before your poverty, your free time before you are preoccupied, and your life before your death.” Youth is mentioned as one of the categories here because it involves the part of your life where you are at your peak health. It’s the time when you’re in a position to lay a foundation for the rest of your life, to institute habits of discipline, to practice virtues, to learn how to think and reason and use common sense. This is the time when you’re able to begin an exciting journey of discovery, of contribution and service, of beneficial impact on your community and the world.

    In the era of the Prophet (pbuh), youth was not seen as a barrier to accomplishing things. There were military leaders who were teenagers. There were Quranic scribes who, in our times, would be considered too young to take on such an important task. There were scholars who were raised in the presence of the Prophet, listening to his words and absorbing his wisdom at tender ages. For these individuals, their youth was an asset, never a limitation. We’re often (mistakenly) taught that as young people we do not have the skills, patience, or dedication to contribute in a substantive way to our communities and to the larger ummah. But as we’ve mentioned, throughout Islamic history many young people achieved great things.

    The very act of having good people in your life can make or break your status with God. Your peers affect you in ways that you may not comprehend at first glance.

    Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, “There are seven whom Allah will shade in His Shade on the Day when there is no shade except His Shade.” Among the seven he mentioned is a young person who grows up in the worship of Allah. How can we ensure that Allah (SWT) grants us this status on the Day of Judgment? And how can we capitalize on our time to make sure we’ve fulfilled our greatest potential during the dynamic and bountiful years of our youth?

    Surround Yourself with Good Friends

    I couldn’t be more grateful to my parents who strove to put me in the presence of intelligent and well-mannered people, including my peers. They always knew where I was and with whom. They knew my friends’ parents, and the kinds of people they were. I’ll openly admit that as a child, this was often irritating to me. I didn’t want to have to answer a million questions about who my friends were or where we were going and for how long. I wanted my “freedom.” Now, as an adult and as a parent, I have come to sincerely appreciate the effort that my parents exerted so that I would be in the company of good, trusted people. The very act of having good people in your life can make or break your status with God. Your peers affect you in ways that you may not comprehend at first glance.

    For example, in Surat al-Kahf, Allah (SWT) mentions the story of a group of young men who escaped their town and secluded themselves in a cave because they were the only ones who believed in one God. Allah (SWT) caused them to sleep for 309 years. As part of the story, Allah (SWT) describes the group, saying: “They will say there were three, the fourth of them being their dog; and they will say there were five, the sixth of them being their dog – guessing at the unseen; and they will say there were seven, and the eighth of them was their dog. Say, [O Muhammad], ‘My Lord is most knowing of their number. None knows them except a few. So do not argue about them except with an obvious argument and do not inquire about them [among the speculators] from anyone’” (18:22). It may seem like the dog is mostly irrelevant in the story, but the fact that Allah (SWT) mentions him several times is no coincidence. Scholars of tafseer have explained that the reason the dog is mentioned so often is that it was in the company of these righteous young people. Being in the company of these believers was enough for the dog to be honored to the level of being mentioned three separate times in this Quranic verse. This is the blessing of righteous companionship!

    Not only do we need to surround ourselves with good people, we also need to ensure that we become the sellers of musk. Every person who sits with us should leave with something beautiful.

    Similarly, in a beautiful hadith Qudsi, Allah (SWT) explains that the angels search for groups of people who are remembering Allah, and they surround them with their wings. At the end of the hadith, Allah (SWT) says: “Bear witness that I have forgiven them.” Then one of the angels would ask, “Among those assembled, there is one who is not of them [i.e., a sinner]; he only came for some other need.” Allah would reply: “Even so, they are one another’s companions and their companions shall not suffer.” Just our presence with the people who remember Allah can be a means for us to be forgiven!

    Having righteous companionship can affect our status with Allah (SWT). Good people remind us of our blessings and remind us to be grateful for them. Good people can lift us up in times of distress so that we don’t get lost in our pain. Good people help our hearts stay open and receptive to Allah’s message and guidance. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), said, “The likeness of a righteous friend and an evil friend is the likeness of a perfume seller and a blacksmith. As for the perfume seller, he may either bestow something on you or you may purchase something from him, or you may benefit from his sweet smell. And as for the blacksmith, he may either burn your clothes or you may be exposed to his awful smell.”

    Not only do we need to surround ourselves with good people, we also need to ensure that we become the sellers of musk. Every person who sits with us should leave with something beautiful.

    Read, Read, and Read Some More

    As a child, I would walk to the nearby library with my siblings and we would each take out at least ten books at a time. Once we got home, we would hole ourselves up in our rooms, devouring the books one by one. This was our entertainment before the advent of hand-held devices. Our mother would have to pry books out of our hands in order for us to eat or sleep at a decent time.

    Growing up this way made us into voracious readers. Although many of us have succumbed to the allure of hand-held devices, there is still no greater pleasure than holding a book and reading in silence. Reading opens the mind to frames of reference other than our own. It enriches our vocabularies so that we might become articulate speakers and writers. It lets us glimpse realities that we haven’t lived, and helps us develop understanding and empathy. “Read!” was the first word ever revealed to our beloved Prophet (pbuh). Years later, after a victorious battle in which the Muslims captured a number of their enemies, Prophet Muhammad advised that if any of them would teach ten children how to read and write, they would be freed. The ability to read and write was given such significant value that teaching it was considered enough of a ransom to warrant an enemy’s freedom. Allah (SWT) tells us in the first verses revealed: “Read! — in the Name of your Lord Who created, created man from a clinging substance. Read! — and your Lord is the Most Generous, Who taught by the pen, taught man that which he knew not” (96:1-5).

    In the Quran and the Prophetic traditions, there is great emphasis placed on reading, learning, and contemplating. Attaining to knowledge is given such a high status that even the Prophet himself would supplicate to Allah, saying “My Lord! Increase me in knowledge.” Reading is the gateway into the world of learning. It is the start of a life-long journey of reflection and exploration. The Quran advises, “Say, [O Muhammad], ‘Travel through the land and observe how He began creation. Then Allah will produce the final creation. Indeed, Allah is able to do all things’” (29:20).

    Reading isn’t just an intellectual exercise. It’s about expanding your mind to a point where you start to recognize and appreciate all the signs that Allah (SWT) has placed on this earth. So for a portion of each day, put aside social media, gaming, and TV and read! Read and strive to understand the Quran; read about the amazing scholars, writers, and inventors who came before us. Read about history, politics, economics, psychology, physics, linguistics, alternative energy sources, health and fitness… the list is endless. And the capacity to expand our minds and deepen our understanding is relatively endless as well.

    Grow Your Passions and Be Active

    Once you reach the age of puberty, you are held accountable for all that you do, and that thought can be daunting. But you also have the opportunity to do good and therefore cement your status as a “youth who grew up in the worship of God.” Youth is a time of exploration. Older youth don’t yet have the family, financial, and civic responsibilities of an adult; but they have time, energy, health, and exuberant curiosity to explore, develop skills, and grow in knowledge.

    Take courses outside of school, develop interesting hobbies, volunteer with your school’s MSA or other groups, work on neighbourhood projects or political campaigns that you believe in. You can even start a small business on your own or with a group of other like-minded peers. The opportunities are quite literally endless. But above all, remember that you are doing all of these things so that Allah will accept you as a youth who took advantage of his or her years before old age. And most of all, remember that you are doing all of these things as part of your worship, as a demonstration that your words and deeds flow from your eman; and your eman, in turn, is constantly growing and informing your daily living with a believer’s sense of meaningfulness and purpose. Ensure that this intention is present, and He will bless all that you do.

    Remember that Your Surroundings Don’t Define You

    I know how difficult it is to grow up in a place where others often belittle your identity, or look at you with suspicion. Perhaps you may feel that you’re at a disadvantage because you live somewhere remote, unable to learn at the feet of scholars, or you live in an environment not conducive to Islamic beliefs. But I remind myself constantly of the examples of the righteous people who came before me – some of whom had to live and preach in much more difficult circumstances. Prophet Musa (pbuh) was raised in the household of one of the worst oppressors and transgressors in history — Pharaoh himself. His adoptive mother Aasiya (may Allah be pleased with her) was in the same boat, but she had it even worse – she was married to Pharoah. And yet both of them rose above these toxic influences surrounding them – Musa (pbuh) became a prophet and messenger whose brilliant example is immortalized in the Quran. Aasiya became a martyr whose strength inspires us to this day, and whose dying words have become part and parcel of our beliefs: “My Lord, build for me near You a home in Paradise.”

    The opposite is also true. You can grow up in the best and most loving, supportive environments for a believer and still go astray. Take for example Prophet Nuh’s (pbuh) son. Regardless of the fact that his father was a prophet, Nuh’s son vehemently disbelieved in the truth. Even as the waves of the flood were getting higher and more violent, he refused to board his father’s ark and eventually perished. You are not defined solely by your surroundings. You are defined only by your own worship of God and your dedication to goodness in all facets of your life. Despite your flaws and sins (we all have them) – you’re so much stronger than you think.

    I pray that I and each person reading this meet under the Shade of Allah (SWT) because we used our youthful years to worship Him (SWT). Ameen.

     

  • Protecting Our Muslim Youth in a Gender-fluid and Hyper-sexual Society

    Protecting Our Muslim Youth in a Gender-fluid and Hyper-sexual Society

    When I was invited to write an article about preparing youth for marriage, I eagerly agreed. I was excited to tackle the topic, not because this has become my field of expertise as the subject of my doctoral research and the focus of a great deal of my work as a youth counselor, but because I saw an opportunity. I had an opportunity to address marriage preparation, one among a list of important topics focusing on the well-being of our youth, including mentoring, developing leadership, time management, and other skills for success, or finding balance in one’s life. However, rather than simply discussing the importance of premarital education and counseling, I decided to focus instead on the issue of moral decline as it relates to sexuality, an issue that is plaguing our youth and causing a detrimental ripple effect deep into the bedrock of young marriages. This article focuses on the hyper-sexuality and shifting views of gender identification that our youth are currently exposed to. We, as parents, educators, community leaders, and activists must come to understand these issues if we are going to protect our children and youth.

    At an increasingly younger and younger age, youth are exposed to very mature content for which they are completely unprepared to process in the context of family, faith, and personal well-being

    As Muslims, we don’t talk about sex. And we definitely don’t talk about sexuality or sexual orientation with our youth. The taboo topic that often results in tongue-tied parents and red-faced religious leaders is not discussed in a healthy way with youth who are already socially exposed to these concepts through a variety of mediums. In neglecting the discussion of these topics, we are left instead with a multitude of curious teens and young adults seeking to learn about sexuality from the many sources that do offer open dialogue: friends, books, magazines, school, television, and, of course, the Internet. While the information may be plentiful and easily accessible, without guidance, a teenager may be left to his or her own devices to make sense of a very grown-up topic. Yet, our faith clearly indicates that we must have conversations with our youth in preparing them for dealing with the real world, as the Prophet (peace be upon him) instructed that there should be no shyness in matters of religion when legitimately seeking knowledge.

    Social Influences

    Today, our youth are surrounded by books, movies, shows, and songs that glamorize intimacy removed from the sanctity of marriage. At an increasingly younger and younger age, youth are exposed to very mature content for which they are completely unprepared to process in the context of family, faith, and personal well-being. Songs by popular figures aim to normalize homosexuality and/or bisexuality, such as Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl,” in which Perry sings, “and I liked it.” Popular family shows such as “Modern Family” present same-sex parents Mitchell and Cameron.

    At the same time, books aimed at a young audience such as “See You at Harry’s” by Jo Knowles encourage exploration of teen and preteen sexual identification rooted in same-gender relationships. “Adult” books such as the infamous “Fifty Shades of Grey” by E.L. James completely subvert the idea of sexuality, presenting the content as romantic while filled with sexual and emotional abuse of women characters. Teenagers can covertly access this book despite warnings to stay away. Without a doubt, the impact of exposure to sexuality outside of marriage, and sexual lifestyle choices, is a corruption of the eyes, ears, and hearts, particularly in youth; and this is highly destructive to their developing worldview, sense of self and identity, and perceptions of marriage.

    With every open conversation we have with a teenager, there are ten more conversations that we need to have. Education, communication, patience, love, and prayer—lots and lots of prayer—form the cornerstone of open dialogue with our youth

    Every day, we see media icons such as Caitlyn Jenner (formerly known as Bruce Jenner) who are portrayed as heroes for choosing to “become” a gender they are more comfortable with, while the famed offspring of that same notorious family (Kim, Khloe, Kylie, and the other Kardashians) consistently flaunt their hyper-sexuality in the grossest form of shameless media exposure. Early teens and preteens are encouraged to explore not only what they will be when they grow up, but also what gender they select, as if it is a choice as easily negotiable as dying your hair or wearing colored contacts. Gender is currently viewed by pop culture as completely unbound by biology and genetics, resulting in the emergence of the cisgender identification (referring to the alignment of one’s gender identity with one’s biological sex assigned at birth) so as to normalize the transgendered choice.

    What can help our youth withstand the tide so as not to be swept away by the appeal to satisfy every fleeting desire? In a world that constantly preaches individualism and unbridled fulfillment of self, children are taught to feed the nafs al-ammara (base, lower self), to satisfy all worldly desires regardless of moral or religious reservations. This message of satisfying the self at all times and at all costs is a problematic contradiction for Muslims who believe in controlling desires of dunya as the ultimate form of submission to the will of Allah (SWT). But this message pales in comparison to the glitzy appeal of a world that advocates for the unfettered attainment of all desires. Consistently raising the bar on what will satisfy the nafs becomes a major factor in the lack of contentment pervading the marriage realm. When presented with a buffet of lifestyle choices, the singular distinction of monogamous marriage is seen as restrictive and confining. Marriage then becomes synonymous with monotony rather than being viewed as a path towards tranquility, stability, and, according to hadith, completing “half the deen.”

    Opportunities

    As Muslims in the West, we find ourselves working so hard on the constant defense of our faith from threats external to our communities that we sometimes lose sight of what threatens our youth internally. At one time, parents could easily warn their children about staying away from relationships with the opposite gender, which of course often occurred anyway but were considered scandalous when news inevitably reached the ears of the community. Yet, the parents of today have a whole other slew of sexual stances and definitions to warn their children about, things that they themselves may not fully understand. Trying to keep up with the constant barrage of LBTQ+ messages and identities from transsexual to pansexual to everything in between, is difficult for a generation that understands sexuality and gender identities as their parents and grandparents did, and their religion sanctions. Despite the religious rejection of these identities and actions, the exploration of such identities among our youth is growing at a terrifyingly rapid rate. The Internet provides an ever-changing menu for a variety of identifications, and our youth, decidedly more tech-savvy than us, are exposed to this confusing and harmful phenomenon.

    One may argue that the youth of the ‘60s, ‘70s, and ‘80s also grew up in a sexually permissive society and that the generation of that era turned out just fine. In those days, however, family values were still at the core of society and children were not indoctrinated to believe they had a choice in sexual orientation and gender identity. Traditional families and gender roles still held sway.

    As a Muslim community, we have yet to find the antidote for exposure to today’s sexual permissiveness, or the words to address it. We prefer to remain reticent on the topic of gender identification and homosexuality. Unlike the vocal faith groups who actively speak out against same gender relationships and the breakdown of the traditional family, we tend to tiptoe around the situation and prefer not to discuss something that we feel has nothing to do with our community. We try to avoid “planting the seed” in the minds of our youth without realizing that the seed has already been planted by others and that our reticence causes more confusion than clarification.

    Into the Future

    Protecting our youth in a gender-fluid and hyper-sexual society begins with talking to our own children. It begins by bringing down the barriers and allowing our youth the safe space needed to discuss with us openly what may be on their minds, what they are confused about, and what challenges they face as they attempt to navigate psychologically and emotionally through such turbulent times. Our work continues with identifying the factors that may influence our children and promoting a healthy consciousness of what a traditional faith-based relationship looks like. We must model purposeful, mature, and peaceful living in our own relationships. We are the stewards of the coming generation. With every open conversation we have with a teenager about the topics discussed in this article, there are ten more conversations that we need to have. Education, communication, patience, love, and prayer—lots and lots of prayer—form the cornerstone of open dialogue with our youth.

    What More Can We Do?

    After understanding the identity threats that impinge on our youth’s emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being, our natural response is “what more can we do?” The seemingly insurmountable mountain can be scaled by opening the lines of dialogue and discussion with our children. Here are some suggestions:

    • Begin discussion with your children from a young age about biological elements of the body. Don’t let their natural curiosity lead them down the path towards asking the wrong people or looking for information in the wrong places.
    • Refer often to the Quran. Teach your children the verses of Surat Ar-Rum regarding marriage and the creation of males and females as mates for one another, and other verses from the Quran that emphasize the beauty and sanctity of the marital relationship.
    • Keep hay’aa (modesty) as a central reference point in your home. Teach youth what modesty in action, in thoughts, in glances, and in interactions means, in addition to modesty in dress. Emphasize the importance of hay’aa for both girls and boys.
    • As your pre-teens and teens begin to enter the world of changing emotions and fluctuating hormones, be sure to discuss with them the difference between desire and action and how they can mitigate the emotions that they may not yet understand fully.
    • Help your children to recognize and fully appreciate the beauty of tawbah (repentance) and the love that Allah (SWT) has for those who sincerely repent; also talk about His love for those who are tested with desires but guard against sin because of their love for pleasing Him (SWT).
    • Use the words of the Quran regarding our prophets to exemplify guiding principles that can help protect our youth. For example, reference the story of Prophet Yusuf (pbuh) and how he was pulled by a woman’s desire, and he preferred to be put in prison than to be placed in that position. Explain to them also the situation of Prophet Lut (pbuh) and how he stood against those who acted in a way that was not pleasing to Allah (SWT) in trying to satisfy their lustful desires.
    • Finally, make a great deal of dua for the protection of your children and all the children of the ummah. Let your children see and hear you making dua often, and talk to them about the power of dua. Let them know that your dua is sincere and heartfelt, coming from a place of love for Allah (SWT) and for them.

    Finally, if you find it difficult to have these conversations with your children or teens, find a trusted mentor, an older sibling, or a youth group leader who can help guide your child in the right direction. May Allah (SWT) guide us all and guide all our children to the straight path. May He protect our coming generations from the fitnahs that we see today and the ones that we may not yet see.

     

  • A Day Trip to the Kaaba: The Ultimate Privilege and an Absolute Blessing

    A Day Trip to the Kaaba: The Ultimate Privilege and an Absolute Blessing

    At seven in the morning I would step out of my house into glorious sunshine and board the bus with my neighbours, who were also my colleagues, my friends, and my newly adopted family. In a state of Ihram and donned in two pieces of white cloth, the men would take the front of the bus. The women would be armed with their prayer beads and supplies of breakfast snacks as we yet again shared our overwhelming awe of being absorbed in the present moment: a day trip to the glorious Kaaba.

    We were a group of British and South African teachers living out an adventure in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. The reasons to emigrate were many, but the common thread was our desire to be within close proximity to our spiritual home. The frustrations and stresses of working within a Saudi system paled in comparison to standing in front of the Kaaba, or in front of the beloved Prophet Muhammed’s (peace be upon him) grave and amongst thousands of worshippers who shared the same desire and passion to immerse themselves in contemplation of the oneness of God — escaping from the earthly world and into the ephemeral where the human heart can find complete rest and tranquillity.

    Words cannot convey the immensity of gratitude that ran through me each time I visited the two holy cities. Inevitably, large crowds of worshippers brought with them many challenges that had to be overcome; patience, respect, and understanding were all part of the process in ensuring that the full benefits of the Umrah trips were gained. However, during periods when international visas were closed, uninterrupted meditations were an absolute blessing. I would place my hands on the wall of the Kaaba fully absorbed in the moment. Deep in heartfelt prayers, I had the privileged opportunity to pray for all of humanity. From my late father who passed away prematurely from pancreatic cancer to the stranger who laboured endlessly to fund his child’s education, I asked Allah to grant them all peace in this world and the hereafter.

    Medina was a more relaxed experience compared to Mecca, and during the periods of closed visas, it offered an even more incredible opportunity to feel the love of the beloved prophet (pbuh). Through the blessings of Allah, I could sit close to the Prophet’s grave, taking my time in offering the two rakats of prayer and simply absorbing the immense strength of spirituality that seemed to have a unique and powerful vibe exclusively reserved for the city of Medina.

    My one year stay in Jeddah was an eclectic mix of experiences. Frustration, anger, and disappointment was balanced out with inspiring nature and beautiful friendships. But my greatest motivation was always my deep desire to be spiritually moved, to be fully absorbed into a world of prayer where only God exists. Mecca and Medina fulfilled this desire, and as I sit in my home in the UK watching the autumn change into winter, I cannot express enough gratitude for the blessings of having said time and time again, “Let’s go for a day trip to the Kaaba!”

    It is narrated on the authority of the amir al-muminin (leader of the believers), Abu Hafs Umar bin al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him), who said, “I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him), say, ‘Actions are according to intentions, and everyone will get what was intended. Whoever migrates with an intention for Allah and His messenger, the migration will be for the sake of Allah and his Messenger. And whoever migrates for worldly gain or to marry a woman, then his migration will be for the sake of whatever he migrated for’” (Bukhari and Muslim).

  • Muslim Youth: Developing Leaders for Today and Tomorrow

    Muslim Youth: Developing Leaders for Today and Tomorrow

    “The youth of today are the leaders of tomorrow.” This concept has been drilled into our heads. Both in Islamic contexts and elsewhere, we hear about youth potential and how one day they will be leaders of society. While experience and maturity is important, the role of Muslim youth is not to sit back and wait for the future to arrive. Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, told all Muslims that when we see something wrong, we should first change it with our hands. If we cannot change it with our hands, then change it with our tongues, by speaking up, and if we cannot do that, then at the very least we must recognize that evil and in our hearts, support changing the situation.

    Young Muslims presents and stresses core concepts of Islamic character and leadership, helping youth deepen their understanding of Islam and implement virtuous traits crucial to their success

    Muslim youth in America face challenges that can stifle their potential. One of the biggest challenges is the lack of necessary Islamic knowledge. Oftentimes Muslim youth in America are taught only the basics of their faith and sometimes not even that. They typically learn how to read and write Arabic without learning the meaning. It is no mystery why many young Muslims are not confident in their faith. Many do not understand Arabic enough to understand the Quran for themselves. Their own holy book can seem strange and foreign. If they want to truly understand their faith, they must go out of their way to seek Islamic knowledge.

    Another hurdle for Muslim youth in America is the lack of support in Muslim communities. Mosques sometimes feel to young people like a place of judgment and close-minded attitudes. Mosques are meant to be community centers where anyone can find help and support. Sadly, youth find that the issues they deal with are considered by adults to be too taboo or uncomfortable to discuss amongst Muslims. Youth end up turning to other sources for guidance, whether peers, social media gurus, or non-Muslim teachers or advisers. Their advice, while often well-intended, may contradict Islamic principles. Who can blame youth for taking that advice when Muslim mentors aren’t available to give them credible information and guidance suitable for young Muslims?

    Muslim youth are also constantly surrounded by vulgarity in pop culture. Every day they are exposed to music, movies, TV shows, and media filled with obscene messages. Living in a culture where modesty is rejected and “doing whatever you want” is celebrated can drain anyone, especially young people who are still building identities and figuring out their boundaries. Young Muslims in America are in a constant struggle between being accepted by society and firmly adhering to their faith. It is easier to follow the crowd and gain acceptance than to reject societal norms and risk being an outcast.

    Despite the challenges, Muslim American youth are part of history in the making. Being a Muslim in America today means you are contributing to the ever-changing portrait of Islam in America. Whether through standing up and driving change, or staying silent and allowing politicians, journalists, or even Islamophobes to speak for them, Muslim youth affect the image of Islam in America every day. The passion and energy of youth is an incredible asset. Young people can accomplish amazing feats in life when their efforts are channeled correctly. Some of the most esteemed companions of the Prophet (pbuh) gained respect and leadership positions at a young age. They used their passion and youth to help their communities grow and prosper. Their age did not limit them, instead their youth helped them further contribute to society. In order for Muslim youth to succeed as they have in the past, they must be given the proper tools.

    Safe spaces are crucial for developing dynamic youth. Muslim youth need to be in an environment where good deeds and good character are celebrated, somewhere they can to turn to receive wholesome Islamic advice without being looked down upon for their flaws. Being around people who encourage good deeds and discourage bad is a positive form of peer pressure that builds confidence and strength of character. Communities can implement this by encouraging youth to participate in community affairs, providing space to grow and learn from fellow community members while contributing to discussions and activism with their unique perspectives.

    Young Muslims, a division of ICNA, connects Muslim youth throughout America. This grassroots organization provides the tools youth need to grow and develop. YM presents and stresses core concepts of Islamic character and leadership, helping youth deepen their understanding of Islam and implement virtuous traits crucial to their success. Through weekly meetings, YM gives youth the opportunity to explore their faith and build bonds of companionship that last a lifetime. Organizations like YM give Muslim youth the tools they need to become the leaders of today and tomorrow.

  • Want Your Child to Grow in Confidence, Maturity, and Responsibility?

    Want Your Child to Grow in Confidence, Maturity, and Responsibility?

    Want Your Child to Grow in Confidence, Maturity, and Responsibility?

    Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said: “Make [things] easy, not difficult…” (Bukhari). He (pbuh) also said, “Woe to those who exaggerate [who are too strict]!”(Bukhari). He (pbuh) also said: “Moderation, moderation! For only with moderation will you succeed” (Muslim).

    Authoritarian Parenting
    • Parents’ role comes across to the children as despotic (absolute and dictatorial power over the child)
    • Strict rules and expectations which tend to be rigid and inflexible
    • Children are expected to be unconditionally obedient and unquestioning of parental demands
    • Parents feel it is their right to be respected by the child regardless of their own behavior; little or no consideration is given to the right of the child to be respected by the parent
    • High expectations are placed on children regarding their performance academically and in reaching any other goals set in place by parents
    • Little warmth or nurturing is expressed by the parents
    • Punishments are meted out with little or no explanation; with the aim of making the child “pay” for his/her mistake or non-compliance; punishments can be harsh, unrelated to the infraction, and inconsistent
    • Children are not given choices or options; complete control is exercised over the child
    Permissive Parenting
    • Parents often seem more like a friend than a parent
    • Few rules or standards of behavior are put in place and when there are rules, they are often very inconsistent
    • Bribery with toys, gifts, and food are used as a means to get child to behave
    • Abundant love and nurturing of the children is expressed without the balance of discipline
    • Few expectations are placed on children with regard to academic performance or other goals
    Authoritative Parenting

    Authoritarian and permissive parenting styles are seen as being opposite extremes. In between the two is the authoritative parenting style.

    So don’t use an authoritarian or permissive parenting style — choose Authoritative Parenting

    • Parent comes across to the children as role model, teacher, and guide
    • Rules are established and limits are put in place; expectations about children’s behavior and goals are expressed and discussed; flexibility and willingness to make adjustments are utilized as needed or appropriate
    • Children are expected to be obedient but parents are willing to listen to the children and allow their expression of opinion as a way to encourage good communication skills, independence, responsibility, and self-direction
    • Parents feel it is their right to be respected by the child but also believe that the respect must be deserved based on their own proper and fair behavior toward the child; equal consideration is given to the right of the child to be respected by the parents
    • High expectations are placed on children regarding their performance academically and in reaching any other goals set in place by parents, often in collaboration with the child
    • Warmth, caring, and nurturance are freely and frequently expressed
    • Consequences are used as a means to teach greater self-discipline and responsibility rather than as a rote punishment of the child; parents administer fair and consistent discipline and are willing to explain the natural connection between the infraction and the consequence
    • Children are encouraged to discuss options, make choices, and develop the capacity for decision-making and self-regulation in daily living

    Contributed by LivingEman.com