LIVE news updates

Jun 24 Transforming Your Reality Jun 17 A History of Muslim Americans’ Political Engagement Jun 17 My Brother is Gay: Navigating the Intersection of Religion and Family An interview with Imam Wesley Lebron Jun 10 Islam and the Romans: Early Muslim-Byzantine Interaction May 20 Reclaiming the Sunnah of Adoption and Foster Care: An Interview with Basmah Salam Apr 29 National Poetry Month: An Ode to Faith, Visibility, and the Conversations We Don’t Forget Apr 15 Beyond Ramadan: Taking Its Lessons Farther Apr 15 The Power of Saying No: A Reflection on Boundaries

Tag: Relationships

The Ultimate Human Mirror: Your Spouse

A marriage brings together two souls. Two families. Two worlds. It’s often portrayed in film and popular culture that these two individuals are opposites, yet they are brought together under the (naive) belief of “opposites attract.” Sometimes the differences are depicted as having opposite career paths, diverging personalities, or even differing belief systems. In those storylines, we see a battle in which one spouse attempts to assert his or her principles and lifestyle choices over the other. Maybe the outcome results in harmony, or maybe it ends in dysfunction. In either scenario, we are taught the message that it’s okay if your spouse doesn’t mirror you.

As a Muslim, the question I aim to answer when thinking about compatibility in a spouse is this: to what degree does my potential spouse need to be at the same level of religious practice as me? If Allah is pleased with my actions and efforts to fulfill my deen, do I absolutely need to find a spouse who is also doing so? Can they be a good person, but not be as devoted to daily practice as I am? In answering this question, I hope to guide single Muslims who are seeking a spouse and trying to determine what to search for in terms of a potential’s religiosity.

What If They’re Not as Religious as Me?

When I was on my search for a husband, I often got stumped with this question. I would meet an eligible Muslim bachelor, someone around my age who had a solid career, similar education background, and similar interests as me. We would have conversations that were easy, fun, and fulfilling. I would often step away from those initial phone calls, or meetings, thinking, “wow, I would love to get to know this person better.” However, the very next meeting or two, when we were comfortable enough to get into serious questions about religion, I would discover that we were at very different levels of practice. Usually, the men I met were still trying to get all five prayers in during the day. They didn’t make reading the Qur’an part of their daily or weekly habit, and they often missed out on Jummah when it didn’t fit into their work schedule. One guy, in particular, told me he was too afraid to pray at work, and so he would make up two or three of his salats in the comfort of his home. I on the other hand, was busy trying to attend as many halaqas a week as possible, take classes to work on my tajweed, and was bold enough to pray at work or even in other public spots like the library or the park.

When I assessed my religious practice, I realized I just wasn’t at the same level as many of my suitors. I would go back to them and ask questions about how they intended to improve, or if they even wanted to. Sometimes the answer would be yes, absolutely, and I want my spouse to inspire me to do better, and sometimes it would be I’m happy where I’m at and I don’t want anyone to change me. Either response just wasn’t good enough. I realized we weren’t at the same level of religiosity. Admitting that made me feel icky, because I feared that I was unfairly judging someone and that such a judgment was only to be done by the Almighty, Himself.

In trying to find some support for my decision to move on, I relied on Islamic principles that taught me about the importance of establishing relationships where you can grow your Islam. Understanding the concept of suhba was part of my enlightenment. Suhba, understood to mean companionship, or the development of relationships, forming good company, is what all Muslims should strive to foster. Although the principle of isolation can be a tool used to reflect on the greatness of God and His beautiful religion, suhba, or righteous company can also have the same, if not stronger, effect.

Your Spouse Should Be Your Mirror

Evidence for this concept is found in the hadith “A believer is the mirror of his brother” (al-Tirmidhi). The more time you spend with a fellow Muslim, the more likely you are to pick up their religious habits. That’s why Islam encourages us to surround ourselves with righteous companions so that we may increase our chances of having good religious practices. That hadith has its literal meaning by mentioning “his brother [in faith],” but the meaning extends of course to any believer, including our spouse.

As Muslims, the most important factor that we aim to find when seeking a spouse, is good deen. Although we are given lessons from the Sunnah that tell us we may use wealth, beauty, or lineage as a starting point for selecting a spouse, it is attraction to a person’s religion that is unequivocally the most important. This is the ultimate litmus test for compatibility.

A marriage, if done properly, involves two people that connect with their mind, body, and soul. In the Qur’an, in Surah Baqarah, verse 187, Allah describes the spouse as “a garment” to emphasize the comfort, protection, and multiple layers of closeness you will obtain with your spouse. If it is understood that our spouse is meant to be so closely connected to us, it can only be that their spirituality and attention to their deen is also intended to be closely related. If one spouse wakes for Fajr, the other should do the same. If one spouse is mindful of using foul language, the other should be mindful of doing so too. The day-to- day religious practices we engage in should be something we can bond with our spouse over. It should never be a point of contention or dissention. Agreement, or mirroring of religion between spouses becomes especially important when there are children involved. So many times, when there are parents who have different levels of practice, the children are left confused about who they should follow. One parent is seen as strict and the other as easy-going. This can create division in the home if not addressed at the outset of the relationship.

Ultimately, I answered that question for myself by searching for a spouse who not only would mirror my devotion and level of practice of Islam but would also inspire me to improve, because he, himself, was committed to improving his own devotion and practice. I strongly believe anyone searching for a spouse should focus on finding someone that strives to gain closeness to Allah and is actively doing so. I do not believe people should search for someone that is lightyears ahead of them in practice. I think having an uneven match of religiosity could create unrealistic expectations for both parties. Instead, if two individuals come together, for the purpose of marriage, and see good deen in each other, then that should be sufficient. Otherwise, the reflection in the mirror becomes opaque. We need to be mindful of selecting spouses who will help us to continue to improve our connection to Allah and who will help us achieve the ultimate goal of getting into jannah.

January 18, 2023
Don’t Wait to Seek Help When It’s Needed

As I sat there looking at her pale face with tears streaming down her cheeks, I thought of all of the other cases in which people waited so long to seek help. Here she was, three years into a difficult marriage, finally having the courage to seek outside help. She was desperate and didn’t know what to do. She had a feeling that her husband had been cheating; she had more than a feeling since she had evidence, but the way that she spoke about it was like she was still not so sure. A year had gone by that he had been texting another woman, staying out late at night, and distancing himself from his wife and children. She always had given him an excuse, told herself that Allah (SWT) would want her to be patient, and wished that he would change. That time never came around and the other woman did not disappear from her husband’s life. She finally had to face it when she saw pictures of them on his Facebook account holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes as only a husband and wife should. She finally made an appointment because she had to do something but had no idea where to begin.

Unfortunately, there are too many cases like this one in which people wait far too long to seek help.
Whether it is the mother whose son had been depressed for over a year, the husband who couldn’t stand looking at his wife anymore, or the divorcee who didn’t have anyone to turn to after months of searching for a new spouse, I have found that people wait too long before reaching out to a therapist. When they finally do come in, although I never believe it is too late for anyone to be helped, the situations have reached such a crisis state that it takes that much longer to resolve.
What is it about therapy that frightens people? I asked this question on my Facebook page, The Muslim MFT, and here are the answers I received: finances, stereotypes about counseling and mental illness and even emotional problems, shame, lack of trust, spouse not willing to go, fear of being exposed, fear of the unknown, time, not a priority, stigma, fear of facing the truth, family and peer pressure, and thinking it won’t work. SubhanAllah, the number one reason for not going to a therapist was the issue of money. That was a surprising since I was under the impression that the majority of people opt out because they attach a stigma to it. There are actually two sides to the money issue. Some people truly don’t have the finances to pay for counseling. But others have the money but as my respected colleague Marina Voron said, “People undervalue both the value of their own mental health and the value of a trained professional who can help them!”
The importance many people attribute to mental health ranks far below that of one’s physical health, even though the two are actually intertwined. According to a government agency report by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, individuals with mental illnesses are more likely to report chronic health conditions and to use healthcare services. This shows the relationship between mental and physical health. I have often found people come to see me only after it has been recommended by their primary care doctor. When people feel ill with stomach pain, headaches, body aches, or other distressing symptoms, they first think of a medical fix. Although this may be the only solution they need, there is often an underlying mental health issue that is not being addressed. Depression, anxiety, suppressed emotions, marital conflict, life cycle changes, and more, can all manifest in physical symptoms as well. It is essential for people to pay attention to their hearts and minds as well as their bodies to truly understand what is going on with themselves.

When people pay attention to their hearts and minds and realize the centrality of mental and emotional health to their overall well-being, they will be able to put aside the negative ideas associated with therapy and counseling.

When people pay attention to their hearts and minds and realize the centrality of mental and emotional health to their overall well-being, they will be able to put aside the negative ideas associated with therapy and counseling. There is nothing to be ashamed of when you are in need of a professional’s guidance. Each and every person on this earth at one point will deal with an issue that requires another person to help them resolve it, whether this is an imam, a friend, a counselor, a teacher, or other trusted person. Reaching out to a counselor or therapist because of their expertise displays intelligence, and a confident determination to make things better. At the end of the day, you are the one who is living your life, not others who might have negative comments and judgments. When things get difficult, it is okay, and often necessary, to reach out.
When we hesitate and delay seeking help when we need it, we are putting off facing and solving tough issues, tolerating burdens that are meant to be alleviated. We allow problems to fester, we continue to engage in dysfunction, or we ignore our children’s cries for help. Too often the issues have escalated and when we have exhausted all other routes, we enter into counseling broken and hopeless. It does not have to be this way, and it shouldn’t. As a community, we need to stand together to challenge negative views about therapy. We need to encourage one another, lift each other up, and turn to professionals when in need to make our society a better place. When we change our preconceived notions with regard to therapy and remind ourselves that Islam and the Prophet (pbuh) encourage seeking help when needed, we will push beyond the clouds of darkness to see a better day. The light of hope will shine through and allow us to flourish.
The first step begins with you.

May 2, 2015
Physical Abuse in Relationships – Legal Advice for Immigrant Victims

If you are an immigrant victim of spousal abuse, you can still get a Green Card without any help from your U.S. citizen or Green Card holder spouse who has sponsored you. The Violence Against Women’s Act guarantees that if you are abused or even threatened by your U.S. citizen or Green Card holder spouse, you can self-petition for a Green Card.

Background

In today’s United States, it is very common to encounter countless examples where a husband or a wife is abused, exploited, tortured, and victimized by their U.S. citizen spouse. Since victims are sponsored by their spouses for a Green Card, they constantly face and fear deportation from the United States. Consequently, they keep bearing the unbearable. Wives threaten their husband to get them deported from the U.S. and often do not accompany them when they are scheduled for an interview at the Immigration Office. They use blackmail and exploit their immigration status to extort money from them. As a result, most victim immigrants are afraid to report the abuse to the police or other authorities. The government has therefore legislated a special act, which is known as the “Violence Against Women’s Act”, which provides a series of guidelines, benefits, and relief so that victims no longer have to be afraid of their immigration status. The law states that if you are abused by your U.S. citizen or Green Card holder spouse who has also sponsored you for a Green Card, you can self-petition for a Green Card. Read on for more details.

Who can apply for a battered spouse petition?

Any alien who is married either to a U.S. citizen or a Green Card holder can apply for permanent resident status under battered spouse petition if he/she is abused by his/her spouse. The petition is also known as “self-petition”, which means that the victims can petition on their own without any help or sponsorship from their U.S. citizen or Green Card holder spouse.
Who is Eligible?

You may self-petition if you are a battered spouse married to a U.S. citizen or lawful permanent resident (Green Card holder). Unmarried children under the age of 21, who have not filed their own self-petition, may be included on your petition as derivative beneficiaries. For example, “A” is a U.S. citizen who is married and files petition for a Green Card in the immigration for “B”, who is an Indian citizen. “B” also has two children from his first marriage. “A”, the U.S. citizen spouse, abuses and threatens “B” for deportation. “B” and his two children can still qualify for permanent residence even if “A” does not cooperate and continues threatening for reporting them to Immigration.

What immigration law applies to the battered spouse petition?

Under the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) passed by Congress in 1994, the spouses and children of United States citizens or lawful permanent residents (LPR) may self-petition to obtain lawful permanent residency. The immigration provisions of VAWA allow battered immigrants to file for immigration relief without the petitioner’s assistance or knowledge in order to seek safety and independence from the abuser.

What if I was married to a U.S. citizen outside the U.S.?

It does not make any difference if you were married inside or outside the U.S. But, following your marriage, you can only self-petition and use this law if you are in the U.S. You cannot apply under this law from outside the U.S.

Can I qualify even if I am married to a Green Card holder?

Yes, you can. Even if you are married to a person who is a Green Card holder and is not a U.S. citizen, you can still self-petition and qualify as long as you meet the other requirements.

What are the examples of abuse?

It really varies from case to case. However, generally, if your spouse physically or mentally tortures you, abuses you in front of family members and friends, frequently insults you and does not allow you to live the way you wish to, blackmails and extorts money from you, or even if your spouse threatens you that he/she will report you to the immigration for deportation this can alone be enough to qualify for self-petition. In fact, in one of the cases, a person’s wife constantly threatened to get him deported from the U.S., and just based on this threat, the husband was able to get a Green Card with any assistance from his wife.

Can I still qualify for self-petition even if I am divorced?

Yes, you can apply even if you are divorced, provided your marriage was terminated within the last two years preceding the date of your self-petition. Therefore, at the time of filing, if you were already divorced for more than two years, you cannot apply. But, if two years have not lapsed, then you can qualify. Meanwhile, for those who are not divorced yet, it is very important for them to consult with an immigration attorney before they file the complaint for a divorce. It is important because all of the details of abuse that were inflicted upon you by your spouse must be included in the divorce complaint.

What happens if I am divorced for more than two years?

As per a change in law, which came into effect on October 28th 2000, you may still be eligible for cancellation of removal, which means that you can request from an Immigration Judge to not be deported. This is provided for under Section 240A(b)(2) of the INA. To qualify, he/she must meet the other requirements that would be necessary for the approval of a self-petition and must also have been physically present in the U.S. for three years immediately preceding the filing of the application for cancellation of removal.

Is it necessary that I was abused by my spouse inside the U.S. to qualify?

Yes, you must have been battered in the United States unless the abusive spouse is an employee of the United States government or a member of the uniformed services of the United States. If you were abused after your marriage by your spouse outside the U.S., even though your petition is pending in the U.S. immigration, you do not qualify for it. You must be abused in the U.S. after the marriage.

What if I remarry someone else after my divorce?

If you are remarried to someone else, you are no longer eligible to file for self-petition. However, you are still eligible to file under this law if you are abused by your current spouse.

Do I qualify under this law if I am ordered deported by the Immigration Judge?

Yes, you can qualify for Green Card even if you are ordered deported. However, first you need to file self-petition in the USCIS office, and once your petition is approved, based on that approved petition, you can file a motion to reopen your case in which the Immigration Judge entered the deportation order against you. Based on the approved self-petition, the judge can re-open your case and grant you the cancellation of removal, which means that your order of deportation will be stopped.

Can I apply for a Greed Card if I entered into the U.S. without a visa?

Yes, even if you entered into the U.S. without a visa, you can still apply for a Green Card sitting in the U.S., and you do not have to leave the U.S. to get the Green Card.

What is the Application Process?

Filing of Application: You should prepare and attach the entire application and mail it to the U. S. Immigration Services to the concerned office. For the New York region, all of the applications are submitted to the Vermont Service Center.

Notice of Receipt: You should receive an acknowledgement or Notice of Receipt within a few weeks after mailing the application and fee to the USCIS. However, if you mail to the correct department addressing it to the correct location, a quick response is very likely. In general, however, it takes approximately 120 days before you receive a notice.

Prima Facie Determination: Battered immigrants filing self-petitions who can establish a “prima facie” case (apparent qualification) are considered “qualified aliens” for the purpose of eligibility for public benefits. The USCIS reviews each petition initially to determine whether the self-petitioner has addressed each of the requirements listed above and has provided some supporting evidence. This may be in the form of a statement that addresses each requirement. This is called a prima facie determination. If the Service makes a prima facie determination, the self-petitioner will receive a Notice of Prima Facie Determination valid for 150 days. The notice may be presented to state and federal agencies that provide public benefits.

Approved Self-Petition: If the self-petition or battered spouse petition is approved, the Immigration Service may exercise the administrative option of placing the self-petitioner in deferred action. This is the case if the self-petitioner does not have legal immigration status in the United States. Deferred action means that the Service will not initiate removal or deportation proceedings against the self-petitioner. Deferred action decisions are made by the Vermont Service Center and are granted in most cases. Deferred action validity is 27 months for those for whom a visa was available on the date that the self-petition was approved. All others have a validity of 24 months beyond the date on which a visa number becomes available. The Vermont Service Center has the authority to grant appropriate extensions of deferred action beyond those time periods upon receipt of a request for extension from the self-petitioner. Once the petition is approved, you are in line for a Green Card and in a few more months, you can get the Green Card.

Can I get Employment Authorization based on this application?

If your petition is approved by the Immigration Service Center, you qualify for employment authorization. Your employment authorization is renewable until you receive your Green Card. Meanwhile, you are also eligible to travel on a travel document.

Do I need an attorney to help me prepare the application?

Advice is generally a must on a self-petition case. It is therefore advisable to consult with an attorney who not only practices in immigration law, but must also be familiar with the battered spouse petition and its process. It is a very lengthy and cumbersome process, and advice of an attorney can be very fruitful.

We hope this FAQ on this important topic was helpful. If you are a victim of domestic violence or know someone in such situation, you should know that help is available through Ali & Bains Firm, where we can also assist the victims in further guidance about their legal rights and the possibility of getting a Green Card without any help from their spouses.

January 12, 2011