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Tag: Marriage

Finding Compromise in Marriage

In marriage, conflict is inevitable. The little irritations that transpire over weeks, months or even years, add up. Eventually, the little problems escalate into something big and unavoidable. The conflict becomes the elephant in the room, and the only way to remove it, is to seek a solution. Sometimes that means seeking compromise.

A healthy, long-lasting marriage is not one devoid of arguments or fights, it is one where the couple understands how to navigate a conflict which can, at times, mean finding compromise. Understanding how to compromise has been determined to be a predictor of a successful relationship. John Gottman, renowned marriage expert and psychologist, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, shared his research that couples who were skilled at resolving their differences had a higher likelihood of being satisfied with their relationship. In his book, he provides examples of couples that had solvable versus perpetual problems. The couples with ongoing, yet solvable issues, were able to adopt a steady rhythm in conflict resolution and compromise.

But what does it mean to find compromise in your marriage? How can you find a long-lasting solution that allows both parties to feel at ease? Well, the short answer is — it’s a process. It involves the parties engaging in a constructive dialogue that will allow them to make concessions or sacrifices to achieve a mutually agreed-upon solution. The question then is: How? How does one engage in a level-headed conversation and practice that will allow for the process to occur? There are several steps that can be taken to get to a compromise.

Identifying Your Wants/Needs

As any good negotiator knows, the first thing to do before entering into negotiations is to gain clarity on what you want. What is at the heart of this conflict and what is it that you are seeking from a peace deal? It’s necessary to take a moment to reflect with a clear head and determine what it is you need to feel that a resolution has been attained. Have you thought about the why? Have you asked yourself how and why you might have been contributing to the conflict? Are you making demands based on your lower nafs? Are you keeping in mind the bigger picture? Is getting what you want going to lead you to being a happier spouse and having a healthier marriage? Will you be okay if you get less than what you hope for? Part of compromising might be potentially giving up one thing, to gain another. What are you willing to sacrifice? These questions must be answered before engaging with your spouse.

It is very important to keep in mind that achieving a compromise through negotiations should avoid certain things. The first and most important is that religious obligations and doctrine cannot be compromised. The other is that both spouses should be careful to stay grounded in sincerity and fairness so that the lower nafs does not hold sway. It might be that one of the spouses is more articulate than the other and is able to make a more persuasive case. But if he or she is coming from the lower nafs, then they might think they are achieving something positive, something in their self-interest, but in actuality they are indulging their ego and selfish desire; and that is contrary to what is necessary to resolve conflict.

Active Listening

Of course, there is no way to achieve a negotiation without turning on your active listening skills. It is crucial to share your feelings and then provide a time for your partner to speak without you butting in, to question, resist, or even attack their viewpoint. Active listening includes removing all distractions, and focusing on what the other person is saying. It is helpful to repeat back to them, in your own words, what they have said to prevent misunderstanding and to build trust. Then the two of you can come to a place where you are ready to do the nitty-gritty negotiating.

Meeting in the Middle

It’s important not to jump quickly to a resolution. It may take a few different times to come to a solution that works for both sides. It’s okay to present several proposals, and do multiple meetings of the mind, before coming to a final resolution. You should be able to explore the potential advantages and disadvantages of each possible outcome. You should always be open to new ideas and re-engage with active listening to fully understand your partner’s perspective. If what your spouse explains about their perspective is not clear to you, ask clarifying questions. But do so in a way that sincerely seeks to understand how they see things. Avoid any attitude or tone of challenge, annoyance, or blame. Be respectful of their feelings and ask about how they are feeling at various points to make sure you are both experiencing the process in a positive way. Go back to your objectives of what you want and see if that has changed now that you hear your partner’s perspective.

Understand that you might need to be more flexible than you intended. For a marriage to succeed, there must be more than selfish interest. In the end, it is both parties that must make concessions. Both spouses must make the intention to seek common ground and to stay moderate in their perspective and their objective. The Prophet (s) said, “… do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately, and worship Allah in the forenoon and in the afternoon and during a part of the night, and always adopt a middle, moderate, regular course whereby you will reach your target ” (Sahih Bukhari). The ultimate target, of course, is Paradise. Maybe you will find it necessary to bring in a third party (e.g., a counselor) to help you navigate the process or even suggest a few ideas that can facilitate resolution.

Seeking Inspiration from the Qur’an

As Muslims, we can find inspiration in the Qur’an for finding the positive even in the midst of what seems difficult or negative. In Surah, al-Nisa, verse 19, Allah says “Live with them in accordance with what is fair and kind: if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something in which Allah has put much good” (4:19). This verse is directed at husbands when navigating difficulties with their wives. Often our nafs and our short tempers can blindside us and make it harder for us to see the goodness in our marriage and our spouse. But Allah reminds us in this surah that we should be patient and tolerant and look for the good. With that intention, when we make efforts to resolve marriage conflicts, we are seeking Allah’s pleasure and approval. Only with His blessing, can our hearts find rest.

October 18, 2023
So When Are You Getting Married?

Ladies and Gentlemen: I am officially in the hot seat. I have reached the age where the question asked directly after “How are you?” and the mandatory “You’ve grown so big!” at the family get-togethers is almost always “So when are you getting married?” The handy excuse of “when I finish school” is starting to lose power as I grow older and that next step in my life begins to loom ever more over my head. For sure, marriage is very important in Pakistani culture and is one of the core tenets of Islam. “And We created you in pairs” (Qur’an 78:8 and other verses) has made its way into more and more of my friends Instagram bios as one by one the love bug works its way through the population of my peers. I myself have been invited to a few walimas (wedding banquets) recently and must admit these large and joyous occasions have quite the allure. Culturally, marriage is incredibly important as it is not just a union of two people, but a union of two families who are linked through love and commitment.

While there are significant familial and cultural emphases placed on marriage, the significance of marriage is perhaps most highly emphasized in Islam. Marriage holds great significance Islamically, encompassing individual, familial, societal, and spiritual dimensions. It is regarded as a sacred bond that promotes companionship, love, and the establishment of a harmonious family structure. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) emphasized the importance of marriage, stating, “When a man marries, he has completed half of his religion, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half” (al-Bayhaqi). The profound spiritual aspect of marriage in Islam is highlighted in this hadith as marriage is explained to be half of one’s deen (religion). A couples’ union in marriage is also seen as a catalyst for personal and spiritual growth for both partners in the marriage. Each partner is to challenge and inspire their significant other to grow and become not just a better person, but a better Muslim as well. With all its importance personally, culturally, and religiously, marriage is never said to be easy. In fact, every member of my family that I spoke with, while conveying that the nature of a marriage is a wonderful union between two unique individuals, they never understated the challenges and complexity of the marriage relationship. Marriage is a journey that one embarks on with another soul, with all the difficulty and joy that comes along with that.

Communication Is Key

At its core, a relationship is a team effort. Two people are coming together with a common goal, and as with any project in school or in the workplace, communication is key. It’s important to have honest and comprehensive discussions with a potential partner before getting married. When working on a group project, outlining who works on what and what is expected from each group member prior to starting the work makes sure everyone is aware of what is expected from them and what their responsibilities are. It is the same with marriage. Having an honest conversation with your potential partner about compatibility in all its aspects, about expectations and boundaries, and about rights and responsibilities of each partner is crucial to a successful relationship. Open and honest communication regarding personal boundaries can help set expectations and create a foundation of trust and mutual respect, fundamental to a healthy relationship. Discussing boundaries gives each partner the space to openly express their needs, preferences, and limits, ensuring that each partner is aware of the other’s comfort zones. These boundaries can include things such as in-laws and family (frequency of visits, involving them in marital disputes, etc.); needing personal space/time for independent interests and goals; emotional and communication expectations like no name-calling, blaming, or stonewalling; what child-rearing styles will be used; whether money will be spent on an expensive house, cars, vacations, etc.

Articulating expectations and setting boundaries allows couples to avoid or at least minimize potential conflicts and lessen misunderstandings. It provides a framework for resolving disagreements and promotes healthy compromise. It also helps establish a sense of respect and consideration for each other’s feelings and desires. It promotes consent and respect, creating a safe and secure environment for both partners. In his article “3 Steps To Safely Prepare For Your Halal Marriage – As Simple As ABC,” author Tafazel Mohammed speaks about the importance of boundaries. He recounts many a time he’s come across couples in his career who did not engage in a conversation regarding boundaries prior to furthering their relationship and were worse off because of it.

Even in the Heat of the Moment

Marriage is the union of two unique individuals and differences can cause arguments when we don’t have the presence of mind to practice sabr and to maintain adaab even in the heat of the moment. A healthy relationship is not one that avoids disagreements or arguments; a healthy relationship is one where the partners involved strive to stay self-aware and responsible in a God-conscious way with words and actions during a conflict. And they come together after an argument or disagreement in a constructive manner. In Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy (IBCT), a therapy modality developed by Andrew Christensen and Neil Jacobson, the importance of clear communication and constructive resolution are highlighted. When using this therapy modality as a lens to view relationships, the importance of acknowledging and embracing the differences between the individuals in a marriage is shown to be an important aspect to fostering strength in the relationship. The importance of stepping outside of the “heat of the moment” when having a disagreement and communicating clearly to ensure each partner can get their point across is very important.

This of course is much easier to do when both spouses avoid blaming language and use “I statements” rather than “you statements.” An example is “I feel unappreciated when you don’t clean up after yourself”, works much better than “You’re so messy, you never clean up after yourself.” By avoiding blaming language, couples can engage in productive conversations that foster empathy, promote problem-solving, and strengthen their bond. It encourages a more positive and constructive approach to resolving conflicts and addressing issues, ultimately leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Ali (r) said about the Prophet (s) “…three things he stayed away from with regard to others — he did not find fault, lay blame, or seek to expose anyone’s weak points” (al-Tirmidhi, Shama’il). People are a lot more receptive to information when the intention comes across as wanting to share one’s viewpoint and find mutual understanding rather than wanting to blame. We can learn from the Prophet’s example when conversing with others, especially our significant others.

Couples Counseling

Seeking out pre-marital coaching/counseling with a licensed counselor, prior to marrying can help provide perspective about the joys and challenges of marriage, awareness of Islamic rights and responsibilities, and hands-on knowledge of various relationship skills — all before entering a relationship. The benefit of a culturally competent Muslim counselor is a greater understanding of religious and cultural nuance regarding marriage. There is also couples counseling once a couple is married. When a couple has gone through all their options attempting to resolve a troublesome issue or conflict without progress, couples counseling is an option always on the table. Involving an objective third-party can help provide perspective and insight on an issue and on the dynamics at play. Couples counseling offers a structured and safe environment for discussing issues and challenges. A skilled therapist can facilitate healthy dialogue between partners, ensuring that both partners are heard and understood. They can help identify underlying issues, patterns of behavior, and unhealthy dynamics that may contribute to the conflict. Furthermore, couples counseling provides couples with valuable tools and strategies to improve their communication and conflict resolution skills. Therapists can teach techniques for active listening, cultivating empathy and compassion, and effective problem-solving, enabling couples to navigate their future challenges more effectively. Learning these skills and improving one’s relationship with their significant other is an important part of a healthy marriage, it’s part of growth, both individually and as a couple, and it is enlarging one’s resources to successfully navigate the journey that constitutes half of one’s deen.

A Great Bounty from Allah

Marriage can at times be tough. Spending your life with another individual can certainly have its growing pains, but there are ways to make it easier. Engaging in a healthy conversation prior to jumping in headfirst can help partners understand each other’s expectations and boundaries and what is needed from each other to make the relationship a success. Understanding that a relationship is fundamentally a team effort where both partners are working towards the same goal can help them approach the differences in their relationship and in each other with an open mind and a constructive attitude. Finally, remembering that there are options out there when things are not going how you would have hoped can give you the breathing room to approach challenges in your relationship and grow as partners. Pre-marital coaching/counseling and couples counseling can provide the opportunity to step outside of an emotional moment and learn important skills to help resolve current issues but also to improve the relationship’s future. Marriage is an important part of our communities, our lives, and our religion. Approaching it with the proper respect and enthusiasm helps us to remember the great bounty that Allah has provided us.

“And among His Signs is this— that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between you. Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect” (Qur’an 30:21).

June 21, 2023
The Ultimate Human Mirror: Your Spouse

A marriage brings together two souls. Two families. Two worlds. It’s often portrayed in film and popular culture that these two individuals are opposites, yet they are brought together under the (naive) belief of “opposites attract.” Sometimes the differences are depicted as having opposite career paths, diverging personalities, or even differing belief systems. In those storylines, we see a battle in which one spouse attempts to assert his or her principles and lifestyle choices over the other. Maybe the outcome results in harmony, or maybe it ends in dysfunction. In either scenario, we are taught the message that it’s okay if your spouse doesn’t mirror you.

As a Muslim, the question I aim to answer when thinking about compatibility in a spouse is this: to what degree does my potential spouse need to be at the same level of religious practice as me? If Allah is pleased with my actions and efforts to fulfill my deen, do I absolutely need to find a spouse who is also doing so? Can they be a good person, but not be as devoted to daily practice as I am? In answering this question, I hope to guide single Muslims who are seeking a spouse and trying to determine what to search for in terms of a potential’s religiosity.

What If They’re Not as Religious as Me?

When I was on my search for a husband, I often got stumped with this question. I would meet an eligible Muslim bachelor, someone around my age who had a solid career, similar education background, and similar interests as me. We would have conversations that were easy, fun, and fulfilling. I would often step away from those initial phone calls, or meetings, thinking, “wow, I would love to get to know this person better.” However, the very next meeting or two, when we were comfortable enough to get into serious questions about religion, I would discover that we were at very different levels of practice. Usually, the men I met were still trying to get all five prayers in during the day. They didn’t make reading the Qur’an part of their daily or weekly habit, and they often missed out on Jummah when it didn’t fit into their work schedule. One guy, in particular, told me he was too afraid to pray at work, and so he would make up two or three of his salats in the comfort of his home. I on the other hand, was busy trying to attend as many halaqas a week as possible, take classes to work on my tajweed, and was bold enough to pray at work or even in other public spots like the library or the park.

When I assessed my religious practice, I realized I just wasn’t at the same level as many of my suitors. I would go back to them and ask questions about how they intended to improve, or if they even wanted to. Sometimes the answer would be yes, absolutely, and I want my spouse to inspire me to do better, and sometimes it would be I’m happy where I’m at and I don’t want anyone to change me. Either response just wasn’t good enough. I realized we weren’t at the same level of religiosity. Admitting that made me feel icky, because I feared that I was unfairly judging someone and that such a judgment was only to be done by the Almighty, Himself.

In trying to find some support for my decision to move on, I relied on Islamic principles that taught me about the importance of establishing relationships where you can grow your Islam. Understanding the concept of suhba was part of my enlightenment. Suhba, understood to mean companionship, or the development of relationships, forming good company, is what all Muslims should strive to foster. Although the principle of isolation can be a tool used to reflect on the greatness of God and His beautiful religion, suhba, or righteous company can also have the same, if not stronger, effect.

Your Spouse Should Be Your Mirror

Evidence for this concept is found in the hadith “A believer is the mirror of his brother” (al-Tirmidhi). The more time you spend with a fellow Muslim, the more likely you are to pick up their religious habits. That’s why Islam encourages us to surround ourselves with righteous companions so that we may increase our chances of having good religious practices. That hadith has its literal meaning by mentioning “his brother [in faith],” but the meaning extends of course to any believer, including our spouse.

As Muslims, the most important factor that we aim to find when seeking a spouse, is good deen. Although we are given lessons from the Sunnah that tell us we may use wealth, beauty, or lineage as a starting point for selecting a spouse, it is attraction to a person’s religion that is unequivocally the most important. This is the ultimate litmus test for compatibility.

A marriage, if done properly, involves two people that connect with their mind, body, and soul. In the Qur’an, in Surah Baqarah, verse 187, Allah describes the spouse as “a garment” to emphasize the comfort, protection, and multiple layers of closeness you will obtain with your spouse. If it is understood that our spouse is meant to be so closely connected to us, it can only be that their spirituality and attention to their deen is also intended to be closely related. If one spouse wakes for Fajr, the other should do the same. If one spouse is mindful of using foul language, the other should be mindful of doing so too. The day-to- day religious practices we engage in should be something we can bond with our spouse over. It should never be a point of contention or dissention. Agreement, or mirroring of religion between spouses becomes especially important when there are children involved. So many times, when there are parents who have different levels of practice, the children are left confused about who they should follow. One parent is seen as strict and the other as easy-going. This can create division in the home if not addressed at the outset of the relationship.

Ultimately, I answered that question for myself by searching for a spouse who not only would mirror my devotion and level of practice of Islam but would also inspire me to improve, because he, himself, was committed to improving his own devotion and practice. I strongly believe anyone searching for a spouse should focus on finding someone that strives to gain closeness to Allah and is actively doing so. I do not believe people should search for someone that is lightyears ahead of them in practice. I think having an uneven match of religiosity could create unrealistic expectations for both parties. Instead, if two individuals come together, for the purpose of marriage, and see good deen in each other, then that should be sufficient. Otherwise, the reflection in the mirror becomes opaque. We need to be mindful of selecting spouses who will help us to continue to improve our connection to Allah and who will help us achieve the ultimate goal of getting into jannah.

January 18, 2023
Interview with the Founder of the ‘Isms Project’

The interview below is with Nailah Dean, a lawyer, writer, and creator behind the “Isms Project” (https://www.nailahdean.com/the-isms-project-nd), a photo series and narrative description that addresses the sexism, racism, colorism, and ageism which act as obstacles to Muslim women finding a prospective spouse. Using single Muslim women who are subject to these various “isms,” Dean hopes to “humanize” the issues and “illustrate some of the barriers to marriage.” I spoke to Sr. Nailah over Zoom to better understand the project and her concerns for the future of Muslim marriage in America.

(Editor’s note: The following transcript of the interview has been lightly edited for length and readability.)

Q: What do you think are the solutions to the problems of racism, sexism, ageism, and any other “ism” that makes it difficult for Muslim women in America to find a suitable spouse?

A: In terms of solutions, I would definitely hope that the “isms” campaign creates more conversation and having these hard conversations amongst family members and between the generations, hopefully people would be able to recognize how wrong the prejudices are and start to open up their mental brackets and eliminate some of the “preferences” when they are searching for a spouse. I’ve already had men contact me during the past year, because I’ve been writing about these issues, and they write something like, “Thank you for sharing about the Black, Muslim female experience, I didn’t know what that was like…I’m going to think twice when I set my preferences to only one ethnicity going forward.”

As to the issue of ageism, striking up these conversations can motivate men to think about their choices. They might ask themselves, “Why do I prefer someone ten years younger than me? Why don’t I look in my own age bracket? Is it really because I’m focused on increasing my chances for having children or is it because I want to have someone who’s more malleable?” Those kinds of conversations have been coming up in the comments sections of the various posts on these issues. That’s what I hope to encourage — those types of conversations to challenge people to examine their current ideas and attitudes.

Q: What about in terms of a nationwide campaign, is there something that you’re doing on a larger scale?

A: I would like to bring more awareness to the issues so that our local as well as regional and national leaders can use their platforms to speak on these issues and do so based on their Islamic knowledge and credibility. I’ve heard about the effects of parents limiting the choice of spouse for their son or daughter to one ethnicity or another and how damaging that is. So, when they talk about that in khutbas, I think that’s really effective, coming as it is from leadership. Hopefully they will also increase pre-marital workshops so that people know what the Islamic guidelines are for choosing a spouse. That would be really good. It’s definitely a challenge to get folks to pay attention to these kinds of things. That’s my goal at least.

Q: Do you think that polygamy is a possible solution for some of the women?

A: It can be for some people based on the individual, if that’s what someone wants. I hear that from some men as the solution for women over thirty who cannot find a spouse, but I don’t think that’s the only solution. I think that men can definitely consider women in their own age bracket, especially if they, themselves, are in their late thirties. There’s no reason for them to set their preferences for twenties only. We know that Khadijah (r) was much older than the Prophet when they married. I think the solution is for men not to be so limiting about age preference. Amongst matchmakers, they say that often a guy in his thirties wants a wife ten years younger. Even a man in his forties or fifties wants someone much younger than himself. I understand the fertility concerns but, once again, when Muslims are only one percent of the population in America, the older men, when they so often want someone quite a bit younger, that’s messing up the men in their twenties who want to get married. The younger men are ready, they have established themselves right after college, but they’re competing with older guys who are much more established in their careers and therefore financially set, and that is competition for the younger men, too often causing delays in their being able to marry. So, the age thing really messes people up on multiple levels.

Q: You mention that some men are intimidated by successful women, by career women. Can you elaborate more on that?

A: Some of the guys see a woman with a college degree or an established career and associate that, not just with being too busy to be a wife, that’s one issue that’s on their mind, but they also think of it as she’s going to be more opinionated and more difficult to handle. It’s that control issue that’s really at play here. These judgments are even before they start talking with the woman, just in the selection process, they make conclusions about these women. Maybe they had one bad experience but then after that they rule out women with advanced degrees or successful careers. There was one person I interacted with to try and matchmake with my friend, who’s a lawyer. He saw her picture and was interested, but once he found out her profession, he said “Nope, she’s too educated and too busy.” He added, “I don’t do lawyers and doctors.”

The “too educated” part, that’s really offensive. We fought for a long time to be educated and then to find that this achievement stands as an obstacle to marriage — it’s really disheartening. I have several friends from Arab and South Asian households where the parents encourage the daughters to be high achieving. Then when it is time for their sons to marry, they encourage them to marry someone that’s going to prioritize being at home. It doesn’t align that you want your son to marry one type of woman who maybe isn’t as educated or advanced with her goals. Yet that same household, they’re pushing their daughters to become doctors or engineers and all of that. It doesn’t make sense how that’s going to work out. It’s two different expectations.

Q: Are there any other things you would like Muslims, individuals and communities, to know?

A: I just want people to hear the concerns of women. It’s very interesting how some don’t want to pay attention to women who are talking about problems they’re facing as they seek to find spouses. These people want to label the women as feminists or that they believe in ideas that don’t align with Islam. But Islam teaches that each individual should be seen for their character and their faith. Islam condemns the “isms,” that is, any stereotypical or discriminatory way of looking at people. There’s nothing wrong with women talking about the difficulties they face in seeking to marry. That’s one thing that I think is interesting, that some Muslims think it is taboo to talk about these issues and challenges, especially in public. But these are big challenges. Making a distinction against a woman as to her marriageability on the basis of her race or age or skin color, for example, is narrowminded. These attributes are natural and God-given. Such preconceived and damaging constraints on choosing a wife can only be addressed by acknowledging the issue exists and discussing ways to overcome it.

November 3, 2021
An Islamic Model of Marriage

The image of marriage that we are advised to strive for as portrayed in the Qur’an and Sunnah is based on three foundations: taqwa (consciousness of Allah SWT; love of pleasing Him and hope for His mercy, which is balanced by fear of displeasing Him and earning His wrath; virtuousness), mawadda (abundant love), and rahma (mercy). Taqwa guides the practice of abundant love and mercy as will be explained in more detail. We can experience paradise on earth if we really strive to live the Islamic model of marriage. Let us begin by exploring taqwa and its importance in marriage.

Taqwa

If we are asked to choose one trait that is essential for marriage, our unequivocal answer should be “Taqwa!” Taqwa emanates from the heart and envelops the whole of the human being. In fact, it is the core foundation from which love, mercy, and caring flow. There are many reasons why taqwa is essential to the success of marriage. Many marital issues in Qur’an and Sunnah are left open to the application of ma`roof, i.e. in accordance with Shari`ah (divine law), justice, fairness, respect, equity, caring, compassion and kindness. Ma’roof also encompasses what is Islamically customary, such as issues of obedience, gender roles, divorce, maintenance and provisions, or even the simple act of just living together as spouses. Only inner God-consciousness, taqwa, guarantees that couples fulfill their marital duties and apply the principles of Islam as justly and as fairly as possible.

“…They are your garments and you are their garments” (Qur’an, Al-Baqara, 2:187). The word garment conveys feelings of warmth, closeness, protection and security.

Taqwa of Allah (SWT) is the only reason why a person in his/her sane mind would counter evil with good for fear of transgressing and in hopes of high rewards from Allah (SWT). Abu Huraira (RAA) narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: “…do not hate one another; do not turn away from one another; and do not undercut one another, but be you, O servants of Allah, brothers (and sisters). A Muslim is the brother of a Muslim – he neither oppresses him nor does he fail him; he neither lies to him nor does he hold him in contempt. Taqwa is right here” – and he pointed to his breast three times” (Muslim). The Prophet (SAW) is pointing out that taqwa is the safeguard to help stay away from the evil behaviors he mentions. Taqwa means putting our trust in Allah (SWT). By trusting and following Allah’s (SWT) commands, we can ensure a successful marriage in this life. With taqwa we can trust that fitra (pristine human nature), common sense, and goodness will rise above egoistic tendencies for conflict, power seeking, and vengefulness.

Taqwa empowers us to live in harmony with our spouses. We may have come from homes where verbal or physical abuse was accepted and regularly engaged in. However, it is not befitting or acceptable for someone with taqwa to follow in the footsteps of such ugly behavior. Both spouses raise their standards when they practice taqwa. Taqwa is the best garment one can wear, whether during marriage, parenthood, work, or any other aspect of life. “…But the garment of righteousness [taqwa], that is the best. Such are among the Signs of Allah, that they may be reminded” (Qur’an, Al-‘A`raf, 7:26).

Only a person clothed with taqwa will be a comforting companion and a merciful friend. Such an individual becomes a cover and shield for his/her spouse in full embodiment of the following beautiful verse: “…They are your garments and you are their garments” (Qur’an, Al-Baqara, 2:187). The word garment conveys feelings of warmth, closeness, protection and security. It is interesting that the root meaning of taqwa includes to safeguard, to protect, to preserve, to shield, to shelter, and to prevent. It is easy to see why taqwa is the perfect garment for the two individuals in a marriage relationship. Let us look at the following verse: “And among His Signs is this – That He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put abundant love and mercy between your [hearts]. Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect” (Qur’an, Ar-Rum, 30:21). Allah (SWT) establishes a beautiful image of an amazing bond between a man and a woman; one of closeness, shelter, warmth, and abundant mawadda (love) and rahma (mercy). These two Arabic words encompass many meanings. Let’s look at each one more closely.

Mawadda

In the verse above, mawadda is best defined as abundant love. Couples need to gather and increase their provisions of love, lots of it, to keep the ship of their marriage sailing. Abundant love encompasses many meanings such as affection, appreciation, attention, commitment, joy, respect, responsibility, sacrifice, security, trust, and intimacy. For the marriage to be happy, enduring and fulfilling, couples need to engage in the continuous exercise of loving and nurturing each other. If we do not nurture our marital relationship daily, it withers and dies like a plant without water or sunlight. Loving each other on a daily basis is about feeling close, connected, individually and mutually fulfilled and appreciated.

At the heart of many marital problems is a poor perception of a spouse, which usually involves our focusing on the other’s shortcomings rather than on our own, letting negative thoughts run wild and building a mental case against the worst aspects of the spouse rather than building an emotional support system for their best aspects.

There are unlimited ways to demonstrate love, affection, and caring toward your spouse. Tell your spouse frequently how much you love him/her. Loving your spouse is not just about realizing this in your heart but also about telling them. The Prophet (SAW) said, “If any of you loves his brother, let him tell him that he loves him.” This applies to family, friends, fellow Muslims, and most significantly, to spouses. You can call your spouse during the day or send him/her an email checking how things are going. When you call, tell them you miss them or any other sentiment of your choosing that expresses affection and appreciation. In fact, giving a gift of appreciation has great impact. This does not have to be elaborate or expensive; it just needs to be thoughtful. Give something that tells your spouse that you listen to them and are aware of what makes them happy. A preferred dessert, a book he/she has mentioned wanting to read, or a flower may be more than enough. The Prophet said, “Give each other gifts and you will love each other.” And, as simple as it seems, smiling when you see your spouse has a positive and heartening effect. The Prophet (SAW) guided us by saying, “To smile in the face of your brother is a charity…” Always aim to be cheerful, uplifting and humorous. Sometimes we feel this is an obligation towards our Muslim brothers and sisters, but we forget to practice this in our daily interactions with our spouses.

Most couples are able to discover more about their specific nurturing and love needs as they get to know each other better. The main point is to infuse your life with demonstrations of abundant love that make the bonding between you close and strong. In fact, the bonding was so close and strong between the Prophet (SAW) and Khadija, his first wife, that long after she had died he would remember her and praise her as the first believer and his closest ally on the path of Allah (SWT). In fact, loving each other for the sake of Allah (SWT) is the best type of love between spouses, it is true and enduring love, not just short-term affection. This love helps each spouse grow and guarantees success, true success. In fact, this love makes us lovable by others. “Lo! Those who believe and do good works, the Beneficent will appoint for them love” (Qur’an, Maryam, 19:96). My observation is that of the couples who seek counseling, those who improve significantly are those who learn to nurture their marriage on a daily basis with loving words and actions. The Prophet (SAW) used to kiss his wives frequently, drink from the same cup in the same spot where A’isha put her lips, and help out with household chores. Strive to make your spouse feel like the most special person in the world to you. Here are three examples of how to create this environment, in your own mind and in your home:

Realize that your spouse is precious: Reflect on this profound reality and it will slowly become engrained in your mind and actions. Indeed, we have a great example in the deep love that the Prophet (SAW) had for his wife A’isha (RAA): “When the Prophet was asked which person he loved most in the world, the Prophet replied, A’isha’…”

“Believe” in your spouse: This is absolutely essential in strengthening the marital bond and helping your spouse achieve his/her goals. Khadija (RAA), sets a great example for us. Long after she passed away, the Prophet (SAW) would often remember her and say: “…she believed in me when everyone else disbelieved in me; when they belied me she trusted me; when no one would help me, she helped me with her money. Allah (SWT) gave me children from her and denied me children from any other woman.” Having a positive and loving perception of our spouses has a great impact on how we interact with them. Having a negative perception of our spouses has a negative impact on our interactions with them. At the heart of many marital problems is a poor perception of a spouse, which usually involves our focusing on the other’s shortcomings rather than on our own, letting negative thoughts run wild and building a mental case against the worst aspects of the spouse rather than building an emotional support system for their best aspects.

We know that the Prophet’s wives were actual participants in relaying the transformational message of Islam to the world. In this regard, the Prophet (SAW) and the whole community supported them. This has practical implications for us today. Husbands must understand the tremendous need in our society for the talents, creativity, insights, and wisdom of women. What follows from that is providing practical support for a wife to pursue her dreams and fulfill her obligation as an active participant in society. All this, of course, would occur while keeping a balance between the duties of a home and the demands of society. That is giving fullest support to our spouses: believing in their capabilities and helping them achieve their goals.

Give your spouse your undivided attention: Spend uninterrupted time wholeheartedly listening to his or her dreams, fears, insights, thoughts, needs or whatever they want to talk about. This also means that we have to create a safe haven in our homes, where our spouses can speak their minds without fear of being judged or ridiculed.

When we love someone abundantly, we are inclined to being more merciful, tolerant, and patient with his/her shortcomings. And rahma is the third foundation of a healthy Islamic marriage.

Rahma

Rahma has many meanings and levels. With regard to the spouse, it means having mercy with his/her faults and mistakes as well as protecting and covering their shortcomings. In fact, the root word of rahma is the same as the word rahem (the womb), thereby evoking more intimate, beautiful meanings of mercy. The womb is safe and nurturing, allowing growth without impediment. Marriage should be naturally easygoing and nurturing for both spouses to appreciate each other’s differences and to grow together without obstacle. Spouses live together day in and day out and gradually let most of their guards down. Therefore, they may be very vulnerable and sensitive because their deficiencies and weaknesses are readily visible to the other.

One of the greatest ways of showing rahma is being the advocate for your spouse, especially in situations when they are reluctant to speak up for themselves, such as tense moments with the in-laws.

It is clear that without rahma, a marriage would be a daily struggle and a slide into depression, chronic stress, and even physical illness. Then just the act of being “at home” becomes a struggle, let alone being able to face the many other challenges outside the home. Lack of mercy impedes growth in any relationship, preventing a spouse from feeling confident enough to reveal his/her weaknesses and to work on overcoming them. With rahma, tranquility and peace envelop the house. Only when we feel truly accepted, can we flourish to our highest potential. People feel relaxed when living in an atmosphere of tolerance and understanding. We become truthful with nothing to hide. There is no longer any need to wear a mask or feel tense. There are many elements of mercy such as acceptance, approval, compassion, connectedness, consideration, flexibility, gentleness, humility, kindness, self-awareness, tranquility, tolerance, and understanding. All these elements should guide our demonstration of rahma towards our spouses. There are many ways to show rahma to the spouses:

Showing rahma with their faults: when something is not major, let it go.

When they are weak, sick, or stressed, cater to their special needs and do something extra, such as buying them their favorite foods, taking time off from work to care for them, serving them breakfast in bed, calling them at work/home to see how they are doing, offering warm soup or a nicely brewed cup of tea.

Be flexible. In his book, “Finding the Love of Your Life,” Dr. Neil Clark Warren talks about flexibility as the one personality trait that covers a multitude of differences. “It is this quality that can take over when two people discover, after their wedding, that they have some critical differences. If both people have a generous portion of flexibility woven into their personalities, they can make important adjustments.”

One of the greatest ways of showing rahma is being the advocate for your spouse, especially in situations when they are reluctant to speak up for themselves, such as tense moments with the in-laws.

Show tolerance and acceptance of your spouse’s extended family and the people he/she cares about. This is a crucial element for any couple and can often make or break a marriage. In counseling, I have seen many conflicts arise from one of the spouse’s lack of attention to their partner’s need to host or welcome their extended family.

Be creative about the possible ways to show rahma to your spouse. The key is to stay attuned to their rahma needs by seeking feedback from them about what you can do to assist and make life easier for them.

The Benefits of the Islamic Model of Marriage

A marriage based on the solid foundations of taqwa, mawadda, and rahma is sure to reap many bounties and blessings from Allah (SWT). In the company of such spouses and insha’Allah healthy and pious offspring, our marriage can truly be the answer to the following supplication: “…Our Lord! Grant us in our spouses and offspring the comfort and delight of our eyes and give us [the grace] to lead the righteous” (Qur’an, Al-Furqan, 25:74). Marriage is conducive to our emotional, psychological, spiritual and intellectual growth. It helps us become useful contributors to society. When we have such peaceful and happy homes, built according to the teachings of Islam, we will live in a heaven on earth. We can have very calm and easeful souls in the middle of life filled with challenges and difficulties only when we believe in Allah (SWT). This is the true joy of living Islam.

June 4, 2016
Marriage, Intimacy Related Questions

Twenty years ago when my children were growing up, living in American society, I realized the need for appropriate Islamic sex education for Muslim youth and parents. I wrote an article on this topic. At that time, and even now to some degree, “sex” was considered by some Muslims to be a dirty word. Thus my article was rejected by nearly all the American Muslim magazines, and their explanation was “We are not ready for it”. Finally the Journal of the Islamic Medical Association (JIMA) published it. Then I edited and published the book Sex Education for Muslim Youth and Parents (1994- Kazi). Although conservative Muslims consider sex a taboo subject and avoid talking about it, young Muslim men and women frequently ask me questions regarding sex and marriage via email.

Here are some of those questions, which have been left unedited, and my responses (these should be taken as my personal opinion and not a fatwa as I am not a mufti but a physician; readers may or may not agree with my opinion – and Allah SWT knows best.)

Q I am 28 year old and getting married in 3 months. I like to know what is permissible islamically and what is not in matters of sex after marriage?

A Sex is an expression of love. All acts of sex between husband and wife are permissible with mutual consent except anal sex, sex during menstruation and sex out side marriage. There are no laws about sexual positions. It is up to a couple to decide what pleases and satisfies them.

Q Are husband and wife allowed to look at and touch each other’s private parts or should they do it under cover in the darkness?

A Modesty (haya) is part of the Islamic faith. It is preferable that a couple protect each other’s privacy. Nudity even in front of husband or wife is not encouraged. However, what spouses do behind closed doors is up to them. To my knowledge, Prophet (pbuh) used to cover when in private relationship with his wives.

Q Is oral sex permitted in Islam? (This is the most frequently asked question.)

A Oral sex is neither forbidden nor encouraged but falls into a gray area. It is up to husband and his wife to mutually agree to it making sure organs are clean and disease free. What appears to be normal to non-Muslims may not be good for Muslims.

Q What should be the frequency of sex? It appears my husband wants sex every day and I don’t.

A This is a common complaint. There is no hard rule. In the first year of marriage a couple may have sex daily. After that it may be a couple times a week or a couple times a month. It has to do with the mutual desire for each other. Islam does not permit forced sex or marital rape.

Q We have a 3 month infant. While the baby nurses on my breast, my husband wants to nurse on my other breast. Is this allowed in Islam?

A NO. If he does that, this act will nullify his marriage to you.

Q We are engaged. Our marriage is planned after 6 month. During this period, is it permissible that we go out to Movie Theater together, hold hands or kiss each other?

A No. You two should not be alone together. If you go out, maybe you can have another family member with you. No holding hands or kissing before marriage. You will have plenty of time to show your affection after marriage.

Q Is masturbation allowed in Islam? (a frequently asked question)

A Masturbation falls in the category of makrooh (detestable). Some scholars have allowed it for young single Muslim men living in a non-Muslim society to prevent falling into temptation of adultery.

Q Is watching porn OK between husband and wife?

A NO. The same concept of haya applies here. Remember, the woman and man who are nude and performing lewd acts in these movies (for money) are someone else’s sister, brother or wife. Do you wish your sister, brother or wife to be seen like this by others? Treat others as you wish to be treated.

Q Is it OK to take Viagra or Cialis to improve my sexual performance?

A Please refer to my article “Sex, Viagra and Islam” available on line at www.islam-usa.com . If you have ED (erectile dysfunction) you should see your doctor (an internist, an endocrinologist or a urologist) to find the cause. Indiscriminate use of such drugs may damage your health and may not be effective if you have hormone deficiency or pituitary tumor.

Q We just got married. Both of us are still college students and want to delay having children till we graduate. Is contraception allowed in Islam?

A Delaying pregnancy and family spacing is allowed in Islam. In fact Imam Ghazali has cited several reasons for this including preserving the health and beauty of the wife. However certain criteria have to be met to be allowed to do so.

The contraceptive should not lead to abortion, should be by mutual consent, and it should not be irreversible. Thus tubal ligation, vasectomy, IUD and the morning after pill are not allowed. Using a condom or the withdrawal method is permissible. Oral contraceptives (pill) may be permissible if no other medical contraindication is present as they prevent the formation of a zygote (egg) rather than cause the expulsion of it.

I seek Allah’s protection and forgiveness from misleading and being misled.

by Shahid Athar

December 27, 2010
Marriage of Muslim Girls (and Boys) in America
The marriage of Muslim girls in America is becoming a problem. Recently, a Muslim father wrote a letter in a national magazine complaining that despite all his efforts to teach his children Islam, his college-going daughter announced that she would marry a non-Muslim boy whom she met in college. As I was wondering why a Muslim girl would prefer a non-Muslim boy over a Muslim, the following issues came to my mind:
1. Might be she is opposed to and scared of arranged marriages. However, she should know that not all arranged marriages are bad ones, and about 50% of all love marriages end up in a divorce in this country. Arranged marriages should be “arranged” with the approval of both boy and the girl. I am personally opposed to the blind arranged marriages, for that is not Islamic.
2. It is possible that the Muslim boys she or her family knows may not care for marrying Muslim girls. In this white supremacy cult of our society, many of us are living with an inferiority complex. Thus, Muslim boys in pretext of dawah, get involved with non-Muslim girls because of their easy availability. Muslim parents who also live with an inferiority complex do not mind their son marrying a white American girl, but they would object if he marries a Muslim girl of a different school of thought (Shia/Sunni) or different tribe, like Punjabi, Sindhi, Pathan, Arab vs. non-Arab, Afro-American vs. Immigrant. Both the parents and the boy should remember that the criterion for choosing a spouse that was placed by the Prophet Muhammad (P) was not wealth or color, but Islamic piety.
3. She may have been told that early marriage, that is, age 18 or less, is a taboo, and she should wait for later age. According to statistics, 80% of American girls, while waiting to get settled in life with marriage, engage freely in sex with multiple boyfriends. However, this freedom is not and it should not be available to Muslim girl (as well as boys). Every year, huge number of teenage girls in this country who think that they are not ready for marriage get pregnant. By the age of 24, when a Muslim girl decides that she is ready for marriage, it may be too late for her. If she reviews the matrimonial ad section in Islamic magazine, she will quickly notice that boys of the age group of 25 to 30 are looking for girls from the 18 to 20 year age group. They wrongfully assume that an older girl may not be chaste.
4. She may also carry a wrong notion not proven scientifically that marrying healthy cousins may cause congenital deformities in her offspring.
Let us discuss some other issues.
1. Marriage with People of the Book. The Quran permits Muslim men to marry women from the People of the Book (Chapter 5, verse 5). Whatever Quran makes permissible remains permissible, and we cannot make it non-permissible. At the same time, Quran discourages Muslim men and women from marrying an idolater (mushrik), saying that a believing man or a believing woman, even as slaves, is better than idolaters (Ch. 2, verse 221).Thus, Muslim reformists in the past, including Caliph Umer (RA) discouraged Muslim men from marrying women from People of the Book. My personal opinion is that a Jewish or Christian girl who wants to marry a Muslim boy should preferably become Muslim for at least six months before marriage, with the conviction that even if the marriage does not take place, she will remain a Muslim.
2. Wrong expectations. If you review the matrimonial ads in the Islamic magazines, the wish list for Mr. Right or the Perfect Wife is very similar. All fathers and brothers want to marry their daughters or sisters to a professional such as a physician, engineer or lawyer, as if other modes of living such as in the case of teachers, mechanics, taxi drivers or carpenters, have no right to marry.
3. Importing brides or grooms from overseas (green card marriages). There is nothing wrong with marrying someone from overseas, preferably a relative who has visited the USA. It would be easier for him or her to adapt to the lifestyle in the USA than it would be for a total stranger from overseas, who marries a girl with a green card. Such marriages are usually disastrous.
4. Marriage with a widow or older woman. This does not take place anymore in our society because of the culture. To the contrary, Islam came to abolish such customs, and the Prophet Mohammed (P) himself set an example.
5. Role of parents and community elders in introducing prospective brides or grooms. There is nothing wrong with doing so. Again, it is the culture that stipulates that the girl and her parents do not initiate a proposal but wait for the offer. To the contrary, Khadija sent a proposal to her business manager through her friend and the father of Fatima (RA) sent a message to Ali, his cousin that suggested that he marry his daughter because he (PBUH) thought that both of them were suitable for each other. Therefore, the introduction of eligible bachelors to each other is the duty of the parents and community elders, regardless of their sex or relationship.
By Shahid Athar
December 27, 2010