بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

LIVE news updates
Jun 24 Transforming Your Reality Jun 17 A History of Muslim Americans’ Political Engagement Jun 17 My Brother is Gay: Navigating the Intersection of Religion and Family An interview with Imam Wesley Lebron Jun 10 Islam and the Romans: Early Muslim-Byzantine Interaction May 20 Reclaiming the Sunnah of Adoption and Foster Care: An Interview with Basmah Salam Apr 29 National Poetry Month: An Ode to Faith, Visibility, and the Conversations We Don’t Forget Apr 15 Beyond Ramadan: Taking Its Lessons Farther  Apr 15 The Power of Saying No: A Reflection on Boundaries

Tag: better half

  • Finding Compromise in Marriage

    Finding Compromise in Marriage

    In marriage, conflict is inevitable. The little irritations that transpire over weeks, months or even years, add up. Eventually, the little problems escalate into something big and unavoidable. The conflict becomes the elephant in the room, and the only way to remove it, is to seek a solution. Sometimes that means seeking compromise.

    A healthy, long-lasting marriage is not one devoid of arguments or fights, it is one where the couple understands how to navigate a conflict which can, at times, mean finding compromise. Understanding how to compromise has been determined to be a predictor of a successful relationship. John Gottman, renowned marriage expert and psychologist, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, shared his research that couples who were skilled at resolving their differences had a higher likelihood of being satisfied with their relationship. In his book, he provides examples of couples that had solvable versus perpetual problems. The couples with ongoing, yet solvable issues, were able to adopt a steady rhythm in conflict resolution and compromise.

    But what does it mean to find compromise in your marriage? How can you find a long-lasting solution that allows both parties to feel at ease? Well, the short answer is — it’s a process. It involves the parties engaging in a constructive dialogue that will allow them to make concessions or sacrifices to achieve a mutually agreed-upon solution. The question then is: How? How does one engage in a level-headed conversation and practice that will allow for the process to occur? There are several steps that can be taken to get to a compromise.

    Identifying Your Wants/Needs

    As any good negotiator knows, the first thing to do before entering into negotiations is to gain clarity on what you want. What is at the heart of this conflict and what is it that you are seeking from a peace deal? It’s necessary to take a moment to reflect with a clear head and determine what it is you need to feel that a resolution has been attained. Have you thought about the why? Have you asked yourself how and why you might have been contributing to the conflict? Are you making demands based on your lower nafs? Are you keeping in mind the bigger picture? Is getting what you want going to lead you to being a happier spouse and having a healthier marriage? Will you be okay if you get less than what you hope for? Part of compromising might be potentially giving up one thing, to gain another. What are you willing to sacrifice? These questions must be answered before engaging with your spouse.

    It is very important to keep in mind that achieving a compromise through negotiations should avoid certain things. The first and most important is that religious obligations and doctrine cannot be compromised. The other is that both spouses should be careful to stay grounded in sincerity and fairness so that the lower nafs does not hold sway. It might be that one of the spouses is more articulate than the other and is able to make a more persuasive case. But if he or she is coming from the lower nafs, then they might think they are achieving something positive, something in their self-interest, but in actuality they are indulging their ego and selfish desire; and that is contrary to what is necessary to resolve conflict.

    Active Listening

    Of course, there is no way to achieve a negotiation without turning on your active listening skills. It is crucial to share your feelings and then provide a time for your partner to speak without you butting in, to question, resist, or even attack their viewpoint. Active listening includes removing all distractions, and focusing on what the other person is saying. It is helpful to repeat back to them, in your own words, what they have said to prevent misunderstanding and to build trust. Then the two of you can come to a place where you are ready to do the nitty-gritty negotiating.

    Meeting in the Middle

    It’s important not to jump quickly to a resolution. It may take a few different times to come to a solution that works for both sides. It’s okay to present several proposals, and do multiple meetings of the mind, before coming to a final resolution. You should be able to explore the potential advantages and disadvantages of each possible outcome. You should always be open to new ideas and re-engage with active listening to fully understand your partner’s perspective. If what your spouse explains about their perspective is not clear to you, ask clarifying questions. But do so in a way that sincerely seeks to understand how they see things. Avoid any attitude or tone of challenge, annoyance, or blame. Be respectful of their feelings and ask about how they are feeling at various points to make sure you are both experiencing the process in a positive way. Go back to your objectives of what you want and see if that has changed now that you hear your partner’s perspective.

    Understand that you might need to be more flexible than you intended. For a marriage to succeed, there must be more than selfish interest.  In the end, it is both parties that must make concessions. Both spouses must make the intention to seek common ground and to stay moderate in their perspective and their objective. The Prophet (s) said, “… do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately, and worship Allah in the forenoon and in the afternoon and during a part of the night, and always adopt a middle, moderate, regular course whereby you will reach your target ” (Sahih Bukhari). The ultimate target, of course, is Paradise. Maybe you will find it necessary to bring in a third party (e.g., a counselor) to help you navigate the process or even suggest a few ideas that can facilitate resolution.

    Seeking Inspiration from the Qur’an

    As Muslims, we can find inspiration in the Qur’an for finding the positive even in the midst of what seems difficult or negative. In Surah, al-Nisa, verse 19, Allah says “Live with them in accordance with what is fair and kind: if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something in which Allah has put much good” (4:19). This verse is directed at husbands when navigating difficulties with their wives. Often our nafs and our short tempers can blindside us and make it harder for us to see the goodness in our marriage and our spouse. But Allah reminds us in this surah that we should be patient and tolerant and look for the good. With that intention, when we make efforts to resolve marriage conflicts, we are seeking Allah’s pleasure and approval. Only with His blessing, can our hearts find rest.

  • The Ultimate Human Mirror: Your Spouse

    The Ultimate Human Mirror: Your Spouse

    A marriage brings together two souls. Two families. Two worlds. It’s often portrayed in film and popular culture that these two individuals are opposites, yet they are brought together under the (naive) belief of “opposites attract.” Sometimes the differences are depicted as having opposite career paths, diverging personalities, or even differing belief systems. In those storylines, we see a battle in which one spouse attempts to assert his or her principles and lifestyle choices over the other. Maybe the outcome results in harmony, or maybe it ends in dysfunction. In either scenario, we are taught the message that it’s okay if your spouse doesn’t mirror you.

    As a Muslim, the question I aim to answer when thinking about compatibility in a spouse is this: to what degree does my potential spouse need to be at the same level of religious practice as me? If Allah is pleased with my actions and efforts to fulfill my deen, do I absolutely need to find a spouse who is also doing so? Can they be a good person, but not be as devoted to daily practice as I am? In answering this question, I hope to guide single Muslims who are seeking a spouse and trying to determine what to search for in terms of a potential’s religiosity.

    What If They’re Not as Religious as Me?

    When I was on my search for a husband, I often got stumped with this question. I would meet an eligible Muslim bachelor, someone around my age who had a solid career, similar education background, and similar interests as me. We would have conversations that were easy, fun, and fulfilling. I would often step away from those initial phone calls, or meetings, thinking, “wow, I would love to get to know this person better.” However, the very next meeting or two, when we were comfortable enough to get into serious questions about religion, I would discover that we were at very different levels of practice. Usually, the men I met were still trying to get all five prayers in during the day. They didn’t make reading the Qur’an part of their daily or weekly habit, and they often missed out on Jummah when it didn’t fit into their work schedule. One guy, in particular, told me he was too afraid to pray at work, and so he would make up two or three of his salats in the comfort of his home. I on the other hand, was busy trying to attend as many halaqas a week as possible, take classes to work on my tajweed, and was bold enough to pray at work or even in other public spots like the library or the park.

    When I assessed my religious practice, I realized I just wasn’t at the same level as many of my suitors. I would go back to them and ask questions about how they intended to improve, or if they even wanted to. Sometimes the answer would be yes, absolutely, and I want my spouse to inspire me to do better, and sometimes it would be I’m happy where I’m at and I don’t want anyone to change me. Either response just wasn’t good enough. I realized we weren’t at the same level of religiosity. Admitting that made me feel icky, because I feared that I was unfairly judging someone and that such a judgment was only to be done by the Almighty, Himself.

    In trying to find some support for my decision to move on, I relied on Islamic principles that taught me about the importance of establishing relationships where you can grow your Islam. Understanding the concept of suhba was part of my enlightenment. Suhba, understood to mean companionship, or the development of relationships, forming good company, is what all Muslims should strive to foster. Although the principle of isolation can be a tool used to reflect on the greatness of God and His beautiful religion, suhba, or righteous company can also have the same, if not stronger, effect.

    Your Spouse Should Be Your Mirror

    Evidence for this concept is found in the hadith “A believer is the mirror of his brother” (al-Tirmidhi). The more time you spend with a fellow Muslim, the more likely you are to pick up their religious habits. That’s why Islam encourages us to surround ourselves with righteous companions so that we may increase our chances of having good religious practices. That hadith has its literal meaning by mentioning “his brother [in faith],” but the meaning extends of course to any believer, including our spouse.

    As Muslims, the most important factor that we aim to find when seeking a spouse, is good deen. Although we are given lessons from the Sunnah that tell us we may use wealth, beauty, or lineage as a starting point for selecting a spouse, it is attraction to a person’s religion that is unequivocally the most important. This is the ultimate litmus test for compatibility.

    A marriage, if done properly, involves two people that connect with their mind, body, and soul. In the Qur’an, in Surah Baqarah, verse 187, Allah describes the spouse as “a garment” to emphasize the comfort, protection, and multiple layers of closeness you will obtain with your spouse. If it is understood that our spouse is meant to be so closely connected to us, it can only be that their spirituality and attention to their deen is also intended to be closely related. If one spouse wakes for Fajr, the other should do the same. If one spouse is mindful of using foul language, the other should be mindful of doing so too. The day-to- day religious practices we engage in should be something we can bond with our spouse over. It should never be a point of contention or dissention. Agreement, or mirroring of religion between spouses becomes especially important when there are children involved. So many times, when there are parents who have different levels of practice, the children are left confused about who they should follow. One parent is seen as strict and the other as easy-going. This can create division in the home if not addressed at the outset of the relationship.

    Ultimately, I answered that question for myself by searching for a spouse who not only would mirror my devotion and level of practice of Islam but would also inspire me to improve, because he, himself, was committed to improving his own devotion and practice. I strongly believe anyone searching for a spouse should focus on finding someone that strives to gain closeness to Allah and is actively doing so. I do not believe people should search for someone that is lightyears ahead of them in practice. I think having an uneven match of religiosity could create unrealistic expectations for both parties. Instead, if two individuals come together, for the purpose of marriage, and see good deen in each other, then that should be sufficient. Otherwise, the reflection in the mirror becomes opaque. We need to be mindful of selecting spouses who will help us to continue to improve our connection to Allah and who will help us achieve the ultimate goal of getting into jannah.

  • Where Is the Love… Or at Least the Adaab?

    Where Is the Love… Or at Least the Adaab?

    Finding love and marriage in the modern age as a Muslim American is challenging. There are many apps, online websites, and Instagram-famous matchmakers, all keeping us swirling around in the dreamland of plentiful choices. Young Muslims are looking for partners whose hopes, dreams, religious practices, and culture overlap with theirs. With the ever-growing number of choices, the wants, don’t wants, must haves, deal breakers, and more, is a long list, making it difficult to find “the one.” However, what’s more concerning is the behavior of some of the players in the serious game of courtship.

    I’ve been reporting on the front lines of Muslim marriage matters for the last few years, exploring and writing about how young Muslims are experiencing the search for love and marriage. While I speak to both men and women, I’ve focused special attention on Muslim women and the difficulties they encounter. In the online world of Muslim courting and non-Muslim dating, the Millennial and Gen Z generations have defined certain patterns of behavior that are most often (though not exclusively) exhibited by the men. There are men who are literally “on the hunt” for women (be they wives, girlfriends, or hookups), and they are infamous for gaslighting (a form of psychological manipulation of another person that makes them question their experiences, perceptions, or sanity) and ghosting (completely and abruptly stopping all communication). The tendencies for bad behavior seem to be more frequent in online spaces where there is little accountability. I’ve heard stories of men sending inappropriate photos, engaging in lewd speech, and inviting women to commit zina. Unfortunately, such behavior is as common in our communities as it is everywhere else.

    I’ve been told about encounters where men pretend to be pious and even make introductions to the woman’s father, trying to appear transparent and genuine as a person of character, and then do a 180 by asking her to Facetime late hours into the night or travel alone to meet him in private. I’ve heard of men who seek out women saying they are serious about engaging in discussions of marriage, but then they just disappear without any reasonable explanation. There are some who begin conversations with multiple women at once, and others who are already married and enter into second marriages without even notifying the first wife of their decision and action. The stories of lies, indiscretions, and even abuse, are far too many to chalk it up as exceptions.

    While each instance of soured courtship is unique based on circumstances of the individuals, there is a unifying thread: lack of character and bad adaab. What is adaab? It is defined as manners, decency, and morals. Muslims are taught proper adaab through prophetic examples. Reading about the prophetic model of character, with sincerity and good manners front and center, shows me that too many of the men of this current generation are seriously lacking in the character traits that Allah SWT has enjoined upon us. We must look towards our beloved Prophet Muhammad to learn how to improve.

    Seeking the Necessary Knowledge

    Two books that I have found extremely relevant and helpful in lighting the pathway to knowledge of character and proper adaab are 44 Ways to Manhood: Breaking Old Habits and Building New Personalities Based on the Quran and Sunnah by Taymullah Abdur-Rahman; and With the Heart in Mind: The Moral and Emotional Intelligence of the Prophet (S) by Mikaeel Ahmed Smith.

    In 44 Ways to Manhood, the author sets out to answer the question “What does it mean for a Muslim man to have a personality that is in accordance with the Islamic guidelines?” Using the Qur’an and sunnah, he outlines 44 principles that Muslim men should integrate into their daily lives. Regarding one of the principles, he cites this hadith: The Prophet (s) said “The best among you are those who have the best manners and character” (Sahih Bukhari). And in another, Al-Nawwas Bin Samaan (ra) reported that the Prophet (s) said: “Righteousness is in good character, and wrongdoing is that which wavers in your soul, and which you dislike people finding out about” (Sahih Muslim). Such hadiths show us the emphasis placed on cultivating good character in order to please God. The book is helpful in laying the foundation for how men can cultivate good character and seek righteousness, and improving their manners is an integral part of this process.

    In the book, With the Heart in Mind, Mikaeel Smith uses an analysis of Imam Abu Hamid al-Ghazali’s Alchemy of Happiness to develop an understanding of “emotional intelligence training.” This training, says Smith, involves an understanding of one’s own self which he argues, is essential for “understanding and influencing the emotional state of others, but also the only means by which a person can gain control of themselves.” In connecting the understanding of the self with one’s devotion to Allah SWT, Smith notes that the connection can be optimized only when we have freed ourselves from being controlled by our lower desires and passions. Allah refers to the effect of the lowly passions: “And had We willed, We could have elevated him by means of them [the signs] but he clung to the earth and followed his desires. So, his likeness is as the likeness of a dog: if you attack him, he lolls out his tongue, or if you leave him alone, he lolls out his tongue. That is the similitude of those who deny Our signs; So, relate the story so that they may reflect” (Qur’an 7:176).

    Knowledge of the self involves a struggle to become aware of and bring under control the ego and the lower desires. This is so challenging that the Prophet (s) referred to it as jihad al akbar, or the greater struggle or battle. While some scholars note that there is weakness in the hadith’s chain of transmission, the meaning can be inferred and supported by other hadith and verses in the Qur’an. Resisting passions, acting with intentionality, remaining within the boundaries of morality as defined by our religion — all are facets of the struggles men must engage in to cultivate character, to obtain piety, and to act with proper adaab. Smith says, “the prevalent cultural misunderstanding of masculinity must be corrected and replaced with the Prophetic standard of masculinity.”

    In the event that some might interpret this article as a broad condemnation of males, we can balance things by pointing out that women have responsibility in this state of affairs. While the men who act improperly are accountable for their own choices and their behavior, the mothers who raised these young men, who were their first teachers and had the most influence on them from birth onward, somehow failed to inculcate proper adaab in their sons. We all have to take responsibility for the shortcomings of our ummah, whatever part we may have played.

    And we should all advocate for change. Those men of the current generation who are ignorant of the necessity of building good character and demonstrating good adaab will continue to engage in failed courtships and unhappy marriages. We must teach the next generation proper adaab so that those seeking marriage, those who become husbands and fathers, will act with propriety, thus upholding prophetic principles that will carry on for generations to come. And those women seeking marriage, those who become wives and mothers, must act with resolve, doing their part to teach our children proper adaab as an integral part of the challenge to build character and bring the desires and passions under control.

    The Prophet (s) said, “A believer to another believer is like the bricks of a wall, reinforcing each other.” The Prophet then clasped his hands together, interlacing his fingers (Sahih Bukhari).

  • Burnt Toast

    Burnt Toast

    There was an interesting story posted on a website a few years ago — “When I was young, my mom and dad sat down to eat breakfast while I was playing nearby. I could tell that my mom had burned the toast, because I could smell it. I wondered what my dad would do — eat the toast or complain. Yet all my dad did was reach for his toast and smile at my mom, and as usual, thank her for the breakfast. I remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that toast and eat every bite! My mom apologized to my dad for burning the toast and I’ll never forget his reply: ‘Honey, the toast is just to fill my stomach, but you fill my heart. I appreciate everything you do.’ He smiled and reached for her hand. I felt like the luckiest child in the world!’”

    After that story was a comment from the person who posted the story: “This simple story shows that by graciously overlooking shortcomings, spouses can increase their affection and avoid conflict. What a great gift to the children when parents love each other this way!” One individual read the story and then posted this in the comment section: “I read your story about burned toast. It’s a nice story but it makes me think that this kind of candy-coated attitude with a spouse would reinforce the mistake or bad behavior. How would the wife be careful the next time not to burn the toast unless the husband showed her or told her how upset it made him, that she didn’t care enough to make sure that it didn’t happen. How do you answer that?”

    No answer was provided after that comment. But here is an answer. When a husband or wife or child lives in an environment in which everyone feels part of a team, each one supporting and reinforcing the strengths of the other family members, and each one extending tolerance and forgiveness to other family members for their weaknesses and mistakes, then each and every one of them is predisposed to striving to do their best in all aspects of their lives.

    Husni-zann

    The willingness to overlook shortcomings rests in the trait of husni-zann, choosing to perceive and interpret everyone and everything in the most favorable and charitable light. After his release from prison, Prophet Yusuf (s), was restored to a position of great dignity and power after being betrayed by his brothers. He was ultimately reunited with them, and despite the betrayal, he forgave and embraced them as his cherished family. Certainly, among the stories of the prophets there are so many examples of tolerance and forgiveness.

    The story of the burned toast seems straightforward and pretty simple in its message — to be tolerant and forgiving of someone else’s mistake or shortcoming. Yet if we look more closely, we see that there are quite a few aspects of insight and wisdom for us to glean from this simple story:

    • Making your spouse feel like a treasure opens his or her heart so that there is a mutual surrender to love.

    • Creating a positive beginning to the day ensures that everyone present is sent off into the world to their various engagements or activities (job, school, etc.) with a cheerful, confident, and hopeful outlook.

    • Behaving and speaking to one’s spouse in a loving way gives a gift to the children that is an investment in their future happiness and success in their own marriage relationship. It fortifies their belief in loving relationships and guards them from the disillusionment that comes from witnessing a relationship filled with conflict and unhappiness.

    • By acting in a kind and tolerant way, we are spreading the inclination to kindness and altruism. A collaborative study done by researchers at University of California, Los Angeles, University of Cambridge, and University of Plymouth in the United Kingdom, shows that being the recipient of a kind act or witnessing someone doing an act of kindness is likely to cause us to similarly do something kind and altruistic ourselves.

    • Looking for the positive qualities in someone is most often correlated to an ability to see our own positive qualities. Of course, this has to be coupled with working to eliminate or overcome our negative habits or behaviors. This healthy habit of looking for the positive in ourselves and others raises belief and confidence in human beings’ potential for maturity and goodness.

    • Looking at other people through eyes of compassion is only possible if I make friends with myself and act as “my own best friend” in the way I observe my own mistakes and shortcomings. If we are compassionate toward ourselves, coupled with having committed to our best striving for goodness, then we know that at any given moment we are doing the best we can. And when we make a mistake or commit a wrongdoing, we are willing to acknowledge it, correct it, and ask forgiveness if we have hurt another person. Because this is how we deal with our own selves, we can optimally open our hearts and minds to others, in the most sensitive and caring way.

    • Giving others the benefit of the doubt brings about positive change and healthy, joyful relationships. Blaming and condemnation result in stress, emotional wounds, feelings of hopelessness and unhappiness.

    • When we cultivate husni-zann, we serve as perpetual motivators for one another, caring and being cared for, inspiring and being inspired, influencing and being influenced.

    The husband in the “burnt toast” story understood well that he was sitting across the table from the woman who was his best friend, life-partner, and soulmate. He certainly demonstrated that he had full awareness that his words and actions (“honey, the toast is just to fill my stomach, but you fill my heart”; he smiled and reached for her hand) are catalysts of mutual affection and devotion. Hearts then open to the fullest unfolding of love’s potency to bring healing, wholeness, and joy. This is what marriage is meant to be: a spiritual union of two souls deeply devoted to each other. Both spouses feel enhanced and graced by the relationship, finding in it solace and reassurance, and feeling safe and protected.

    Allah SWT tells us in the Qur’an about the relationship of husband and wife: “…they are garments for you, and you are garments for them…” A garment adorns, comforts, and protects. That is a beautiful image.