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Author: Leslie Schaffer

Honoring the Champions of Freedom

Black History Month should symbolize for all of us the universal and timeless struggle for social justice. God Almighty has sanctified this struggle, providing humanity with the criterion for its realization. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. captured so eloquently the heart of that principle: “Cowardice asks the question: is it safe? Expediency asks the question: is it politic? Vanity asks the question: is it popular? But conscience asks the question: is it right?”

“When I found I had crossed that line, I looked at my hands to see if I was the same person. There was such a glory over everything; the sun came like gold through the trees, and over the fields, and I felt like I was in Heaven.”

Standing up for what is right is an ongoing campaign for dignity, equal opportunity, and the civil and human rights that no individual, group, or government can usurp from the people without bringing about an uprising to set things right. The response may be delayed, it might be temporarily crushed, pepper-sprayed, co-opted by opportunistic individuals or groups, imprisoned, or killed. But with time, justice has its say.

The Voices of Justice Speak

Harriet Tubman, known mainly for leading slaves to freedom by the Underground Railroad, a vast network of secret routes, spoke her mind for the cause of justice: “Leave no brother or sister behind the enemy line of poverty.” This woman of the 19th century, born into slavery, beaten by those who thought they owned the very breath of her life, escaped from enslavement with her brothers, Ben and Henry, in 1849. Then began her long endeavor to free the rest of her family. Slavery was the first enemy line that she knew, in her good conscience, none should be left behind. And she began guiding groups of slaves to the free states of the north. Each time she returned, she risked her own recapture, and she did so again and again for eleven years. She didn’t ask herself if the venture was safe or politically expedient or popular. She knew it was right and that was her sole criterion for action. Later in life she spoke of her profound experience when for the first time she crossed into Pennsylvania, a “free” state, “When I found I had crossed that line, I looked at my hands to see if I was the same person. There was such a glory over everything; the sun came like gold through the trees, and over the fields, and I felt like I was in Heaven.”

Harriet Tubman was resolute in making her way to a “free state.” With similar dedication, Frederick Douglass worked tirelessly to help bring about the destiny of America as a “land of the free.” Well-known as having escaped from slavery to become a leader of the abolitionist movement, he recognized that the fight for social justice requires a nation of citizens aiming for moral rightness and the thoughtfulness educed from intellectual depth. He said, “A battle lost or won is easily described, understood, and appreciated, but the moral growth of a great nation requires reflection, as well as observation, to appreciate it.” About his endeavors to facilitate that moral growth of America, he said, “I would unite with anybody to do right and with nobody to do wrong.” He became in later years a strong advocate for the rights of women and once remarked, “When I ran away from slavery, it was for myself; when I advocated emancipation, it was for my people; but when I stood up for the rights of women, self was out of the question, and I found a little nobility in the act.”

So many African-Americans have contributed to the moral growth and intellectual maturing of America. Some risked everything to help emancipate this nation from the ignominy of slavery.

Douglass was self-educated, yet his oratorical skill was fiercely honest and superlative. Those who endorsed slavery were up against a flesh-and-blood refutation of their pitiable, ignoble argument that slaves could not be granted citizenship because they did not have the necessary intellectual capacity. Douglass pointed out that slavery fetters both the slave and the slave-holder, “No man can put a chain about the ankle of his fellow man without at last finding the other end fastened about his own neck. “ And yet, Douglass also understood that those who enslave and oppress do not willingly give up their power and privilege, declaring, “Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will.”

Rosa Parks also understood this well. She understood this when Recy Taylor, a 24-year-old wife and mother, was raped by a group of white men in 1944. Parks and others who were outraged when no arrest was made, demanded action by the Alabama governor, Chauncey Sparks. As this incident gained national coverage, the offices of the NAACP received letters from thousands of African-American women who had been raped by white men who were never prosecuted. This incident, and the larger issue of sexual violence against African-American women it uncovered, were the catalyzing events of Parks dedication to civil rights.

Her well-known refusal in 1955 to give up her bus seat to a white person was much more than the simplistic story told about a seamstress after a long day of work, too tired to get up from her seat. Rosa Parks was, by that time, already a dynamic champion of social justice. In her autobiography she reveals, “People always say that I didn’t give up my seat because I was tired, but that isn’t true. I was not tired physically, or no more tired than I usually was at the end of a working day. I was not old, although some people have an image of me as being old then. I was forty-two. No, the only tired I was, was tired of giving in.” She was tired of giving in to injustice and so she demanded concessions from power. She demanded change. Rosa Parks also had a vision of equality for all. She said “I would like to be known as a person who is concerned about freedom and equality and justice and prosperity for all people.”

Untold Numbers, Unsung Heroes — A Liberating Vision

So many African-Americans have contributed to the moral growth and intellectual maturing of America. Some risked everything to help emancipate this nation from the ignominy of slavery. Some demonstrated the courage to engage in civil disobedience, and others expressed, so we all could appreciate, the luminosity of freedom once released from the yoke of chattel servitude. All paved the way for America’s first African-American president. We should celebrate their achievements with greatest respect and admiration, and take time to read their stories — Tubman, Douglass, and Parks, as well as Ralph Abernathy, Ella Baker, Julian Bond, Stokely Carmichel, Shirley Chisholm, Eldrige Cleaver, Ellen and William Craft, Medgar Evers, Marcus Garvey, Frances Harper, Benhamin Hooks, Roy Innis, Jesse Jackson, Coretta Scott King, Martin Luther King, Jr., Kweisi Mfume, Gabriel Prosser, A. Philip Randolph, Nat Turner, Sojourner Truth, Andrew Young, Malcolm X, and so many more provide us insight and inspiration.

The privileges and prosperity of whites in America did not come about because white people were more hard-working and morally upright than minorities.

Out of their efforts arose the man, Barak Obama, who symbolizes the visionary dream of equality, an ideological vision shared by all workers for social justice. President Obama, in early December of 2011, gave a talk in Kansas, quoting from Theodore Roosevelt’s 1910 “New Nationalism” speech. Roosevelt captured the spirit of egalitarian ideas that are keenly relevant today. He pointed to the challenge of curbing the excesses of those who would claim for themselves an unfair portion of wealth and resources, leaving the vast majority of the world’s population disempowered, in varying degrees of impoverishment and thus in servitude to debt-masters. Roosevelt spoke of the duty of each individual to improve his own condition in the world while never forgetting to advance the well-being of others. This is no inciting of class warfare against those with riches and property, as he says, “Let not him who is houseless pull down the house of another, but let him work diligently and build one for himself, thus by example assuring that his own shall be safe from violence when built.”

Indeed, this was not a speech inciting class warfare from the bottom up, but a grave warning about those who wage a battle against the rights of the majority, from the top down. He talks about equality of opportunity as providing a base for the advancement of humanity, allowing each to push forward unobstructed toward his or her greatest potential. What stands in the way, says Roosevelt, is selfish interest on the part of those who would amass for themselves undue wealth along with the power to “twist the methods of free government into machinery for defeating the popular will.” These are “special interests” who organize, advocate, and lobby for their own self-interests, seeing these as only gained by trampling on the interests, rights, and needs of others.

Roosevelt was prescient when he said, “..the great special business interests too often control and corrupt the men and methods of government for their own profit. We must drive the special interests out of politics. That is one of our tasks to-day.” Obama, we hope and pray, will continue to fulfill the populist and egalitarian vision articulated by Roosevelt. When asked in college about his aims, he talked about ending the back room deals, the breach of trust by those in Congress who are “…compliant and corrupt. Change in the mood of the country, manic and self-absorbed. Change won’t come from the top… Change will come from a mobilized grass roots.” One journalist who traveled with Roosevelt commented, “I don’t think any sane man could be with him two weeks without getting to like him; but the thing that struck me on that trip was the way he grew; the way an idea grew in his mind day by day as he lived with it until it took its final shape in speech. Then it was like a knock-down blow.” Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th president of the United States, was a Republican. We are waiting for some populist knock-down blows from our 44th American president.

Retrogressive Visions

Throwing his own knock-down blow is Newt Gingrich, a proper symbol of the current Republican vision of how things should be. This vision conveys retrogressive sentiments such as ““Really poor children in really poor neighborhoods have no habits of working, and have nobody around them who works. So they literally have no habit of showing up on Monday. They have no habit of staying all day. They have no habit of ‘I do this and you give me cash,’ unless it’s illegal.” Mr. Gingrich made this comment last November at a campaign stop in Iowa, in response to being asked about earlier statements he had made at Harvard University, including, “It is tragic what we do in the poorest neighborhoods, entrapping children in, first of all, child [labor] laws, which are truly stupid.”

We were a congregation of souls that night, believing in and surrendered to universality, feeling so profoundly connected and joyful that a son of our nation was standing before us with the torchlight of promise held high.

So what should be done, according to this stalwart conservative? The obvious — provide equal opportunity to the poor children — let the 10-year-old boy work as a janitor at his school. Kathleen Parker, a columnist for the Washington Post, herself a Republican, commented on Gingrich’s idea, throwing light on the absurdity at its core, “Republicans have always been wedded to the idea that Americans, given opportunity, can pull themselves up by the bootstraps. In fact, most people subscribe to this very American narrative to varying degrees. But missing from the vision of the coldest eye is acknowledgment that sometimes people have no boots”… or a roof over their heads, food on the table, courage to make the decision to pay the utility bill and keep the house warm, or go to the doctor to treat the baby’s two-month-old cough.

How much pulling up by one’s bootstraps can a normal man muster when he faces, day in and day out low wages, sub-par schools for his kids because of an unfair funding system, mental health issues such as depression or anxiety (not difficult to understand given such living conditions), disease-carrying rats and toxic mold, no health insurance, bosses who demean despite his hard work and loyalty. Mr. Gingrich’s solution? Let the 10-year-old student in the dilapidated school work as a janitor to learn what it takes to make it in America. All the while his peers in more affluent schools will spend their extra-curricular time playing sports, participating in student government, the debating team, the art club. Is this double-crossing standard okay with Gingrich and his Republican colleagues?

Poverty and Racism: An Historic Double-Cross

Characterizing poor children as all coming from families with lazy or criminal habits is barely-veiled race-baiting. If Gingrich is pandering to his political base, then he knows that poverty and race are too often synonymous in the public mind. Certainly, if he is an honest historian, he also knows that poverty and racism are absolutely intertwined. The privileges and prosperity of whites in America did not come about because white people were more hard-working and morally upright than minorities. Their status was the result of deliberate, carefully-crafted policies and institutional structuring that promoted the social and economic advancement of whites and obstructed the advancement of people of color:

• Social and economic institutions such as slavery which dispossessed blacks of everything but the strength of their souls while at the same time, on their backs, created vast fortunes, embezzled wealth, not just for the slave-owners but for the entire white, slave-centered economy
• Court decisions such as Plessy v. Ferguson in 1896 which cemented the disparities that attach to segregation and second-class citizenship, creating “separate but equal” schools, which were in fact anything but equal as schools for blacks were severely underfunded (and still are today), creating educational deficits that are hard to overcome in a competitive society
• Acts of congress such as the The Indian Removal Act of 1830 which forced native Americans off their land and offered the confiscated land to settlers (whites only; no blacks need apply); or the Wagner Act in 1935 which granted legal protection to labor unions resulting in higher wages for those with union membership, but allowing unions to exclude blacks from union membership. This protected whites from competition by black workers while maintaining the lower paid group of once-again disenfranchised African-Americans
• Discriminatory practices by government agencies such as the Federal Housing Administration, which in the 1940s and 1950s refused to grant loans to integrated neighborhoods

… the list goes on and on.

Then we have to refresh our souls with the hope of a man who helped lead a movement aiming to rectify this part of America’s history. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “ I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave-owners will be able to sit together at the table of brotherhood.” As we shall see later in this article, Malcolm sat at such a table toward the end of his life, and the liberating sentiments he expressed are poignant and classic. King spoke of the price that one might pay for promoting a genuine fellowship of humankind, “If physical death is the price that I must pay to free my white brothers and sisters from a permanent death of the spirit, then nothing can be more redemptive.” Both King and Malcolm X paid with their lives.

We might do well to keep in our minds the sacrifices symbolized so well by Black History Month as we move toward the coming election day. Each of us has to decide if we will embrace social justice for all people and its altruistic imperatives of kindness and compassion, or choose a retrogressive march back to days of injustice. Those who organize that march pretend to offer solutions to problems. But with thoughtfulness and analysis, we see they offer nothing more than euphemistic hoodwink. George Orwell said that politicians often speak in “…defense of the indefensible,” and thus their rhetoric “has to consist largely of euphemism, question begging, and sheer cloudy vagueness.” Or plain and simple misrepresentation.

Like the talk about teaching poor children a work ethic because they have “nobody around them who works.” In fact, the adults in many poor families work two or three jobs. Not surprising when one does the simple math. Imagine trying to live on $8 an hour pay, let alone support a family. An eye-opening book is Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America, written by Barbara Ehrenreich, a journalist who holds a PhD in cell biology. She went “undercover,” traveling the country for two years and working as a waitress, hotel maid, Wal-Mart salesperson and other low-paid positions. She met countless numbers of the working-poor. Disproving the canards that poor people are just “too lazy to work” and that any job “will defeat poverty,” she discovered that even “the ‘lowliest’ occupations require exhausting mental and physical efforts. And one job is not enough; you need at least two if you intend to live indoors.”
We need to demand a more balanced approach to the distribution of wealth and resource and opportunity in this country. That’s not socialism, it’s common sense and basic decency. It’s a strange thing that the religious right are often the most vocal about rescinding the social contract to provide for the needy. Maybe they would do well to revisit their religious texts — “And the crowds asked [John the Baptist], “What then should we do?” In reply he said to them, “Whoever has two coats must share with anyone who has none; and whoever has food must do likewise.” (Luke 3:10-11).

Black History Month — Honoring the Champions of Freedom

They are not the top 1% “job-creators;” not the demagogues; not the rank-and-file conservatives who don’t know or pretend not to know that structural poverty and institutionalized racism exist. The champions of freedom are those, past and present, who actively engage in the fight for social justice, who feed the hungry and provide shelter for the dispossessed . An African proverb suggests, “If we stand tall it is because we stand on the shoulders of many ancestors.” All right-minded citizens of this country should consider as prime part of their true American ancestry those who overcame the physical brutality and emotional carnage of enslavement to find their destiny in dedication to social reform; the ones, past and present, who brave the conditions of poverty and oppression, all the while striving to live a decent life, keep a marriage together, raise happy and successful children; all those who tried to keep going but have fallen in the dust, too tired to take another step or face another day; all those who work to realize the rights of minorities, women, workers, children, and any others who have been marginalized and denied their rights. African-Americans have been fighting for social justice in this country for more than 200 years. They have paved the way for all of us. With patience and perseverance, we must build on their efforts and accomplishments. The challenge, in the process, is not to hate the oppressors and their minions, but to provide a new vision to those steeped in ideas which offend by moral cowardice, political expediency, or vain and selfish motives.

Many of those sold into slavery and brought to this country were African Muslims whose culture of birth provided them with a character pledged to do right. Maya Angelou, who was chosen by President Clinton to recite her poem “On the Pulse of Morning” at his 1993 inauguration, confirms the hope that enough of us might reach inside ourselves to find a genuine and primordial culture of humaneness. Angelou has written, “It takes more than a horrifying transatlantic voyage chained in the filthy hold of a slave ship to erase someone’s culture.” The Islamic tradition and culture requires Muslims to “return what is better” when they have been wronged. Human beings may not be capable of that in an instant, but over time the nascent impulse to demand social justice, while never deviating from the moral highroad, might take root and thrive. This is, without doubt, a steep path to climb, to embrace the way of universality and be guided by divine wisdom: “O humankind — Lo! We have created you male and female, and have made you nations and tribes that ye may know one another…” (Qur’an 49:13).
Climbing the Steep Path

Malcolm X climbed that steep path. His father’s civil rights activism brought death threats from white supremacists. Malcolm recalled, “When my mother was pregnant with me — she told me later — a party of hooded Ku Klux Klan riders galloped up to our home… Brandishing their shotguns and rifles, they shouted for my father to come out.” In 1929 their Lansing, Michigan home was set on fire and burned to the ground, and two years later his father’s lifeless body was found, lying across the trolley tracks in the town. And one of his uncles was lynched. Then when Malcolm was 13, after all these assaults on their lives, with ongoing fears for the safety of her children, his mother had a nervous breakdown, and the children were sent to various foster homes and orphanages. It doesn’t take much reflection to understand Malcolm X’s militancy during his days with the Nation of Islam. Yet, after his split with the organization that, without doubt and despite its flaws, uplifted many, Malcolm, the man who once believed that the white man is the devil, made hajj and wrote in a letter to his colleagues back home,
“America needs to understand Islam because this is the one religion that erases from its society the race problem. Throughout my travels in the Muslim world, I have met, talked to, and even eaten with people who in America would have been considered white – but the white attitude was removed from their minds by the religion of Islam. I have never before seen sincere and true brotherhood practiced by all colors together, irrespective of their colors. You may be shocked by these words coming from me. But on this pilgrimage, what I have seen and experienced has forced me to rearrange much of my thought-patterns previously held and to toss aside some of my previous conclusions. This was not too difficult for me. Despite my firm convictions, I have always been a man who tries to face facts, and to accept the reality of life as new experience and new knowledge unfolds it. I have always kept an open mind which is necessary to the flexibility that must go hand in hand with every form of intelligent search for truth.”

We wish Br. Malcolm could have witnessed the marvel of Barack Obama giving his 2008 victory speech at Grant Park in Chicago, before a crowd of supporters a quarter million strong. That night we had no interest in colors of skin except for feeling jubilant that this intelligent and self-composed man was recognized by the majority of citizens as the best one to lead. We were a congregation of souls that night, believing in and surrendered to universality, feeling so profoundly connected and joyful that a son of our nation was standing before us with the torchlight of promise held high. Progeny of the patient and perseverant multitudes who trailblazed the way before our time, he was ready to lead us another some distance upward on the path of human fellowship, toward peace.

“And what will explain to you the path that is steep? (It is) freeing the bondman; or the giving of food in a day of privation to the orphan with claims of relationship or to the destitute in the dust. Then will one be of those who believe, and enjoin patience and perseverance, and enjoin deeds of kindness and compassion” (Quran 90:12-17).

January 31, 2012
Media Trends Among Youth – The Interface of Muslim Activism

As the use of alternative media grows, particularly among the younger generation, the print media has seen declining rates of readership. Concern about this trend impelled The World Association of Newspapers to commission a survey of youth media consumption. The survey spanned the globe and ten young people from ten countries (United States, the United Kingdom, Serbia, Sweden, Spain, Lebanon, South Africa, Colombia, the Philippines, and Japan) were recruited to keep a record of their media habits and document their views and attitudes about news in general and, in particular, their use of newspapers to get news. The results have been published in a report called Youth Media DNA — Decoding Youth as News & Information Consumers.
Information from Various Sources

The aim of The World Association of Newspapers was, of course, to explore ways to increase newspaper readership among young people. The survey, however, provides interesting general information about youth preferences in their consumption of news. Not surprisingly, the survey shows that youth seek out information from a variety of sources and many feel that they cannot rely on one source only, even if they view that source as one of their preferences, as reliable, and as authoritative. Some indicated that the news source they utilized in the morning is likely to be a newspaper, but that online sources are much more accessible throughout the day while at school or work. TV news was a preferred option in the evening.

Choosing Interactive Over Passive Media
Participants also revealed that young people are more inclined to interactive media rather than the passive forms such as TV, radio, or newspapers. The form most noted to be of declining interest was newspapers whereas the traditional forms of passive media such as TV and radio remain a viable and important part of their media regimen. While they acknowledge a keen interest in “citizen journalism” via blogs, videos, discussion boards, etc., they nonetheless view the more traditional media as more professional in formatting and more trustworthy as a source of news.

Respecting Traditional Sources
One reason given as to why they incline less to traditional media such as newspapers is that the Internet, cell phones, MP3 players and other new media are occupying more and more of their available time. Interestingly, they also convey the desire to have more time to spend reading newspapers and express respect of that and other traditional sources of news and information. Those who read online newspapers convey satisfaction with the interactive format (as compared to print newspapers) and especially like the enhanced experience of the discussion boards or being able to pursue more information by clicking on hyperlinks. Younger participants focused more on “the big headlines.” The older youth were curious to investigate the nuances found in detail and debate around the issues. Across all lines of gender, age, and country, the participants almost unanimously ignored the business section.

Big Picture and Staying Well-Informed
The common view that young people are disinterested in what is going on in the world is disputed by survey participants. They indicated an interest in not only local and national coverage but also international news. Highlighting the increased awareness of young people living in a world of telecommunications overdrive, participants expressed realization of the connectivity among local, national, and international events and issues. Current events in their own country or another halfway across the world are not seen by them in isolation. The increased awareness is buttressed by their desire to be well-informed, not just as an end in itself but also as a way of engaging with family and friends in discussions about current events. It is worth noting that many considered their communication with friends through social networking as a prime source for news and information. They indicated that being well-informed contributes to their success in school and/or work. Nonetheless, many convey that given the time-constraints of their daily schedules, they find it a challenge to really feel well-informed and up-to-date about current events and happenings around the world. Many participants pointed out that their social networks extend far beyond the immediate circle of local friends and family and that they have engaged with peers around the world, cultivating associations and friendships that involve discussion and debate of issues and sharing of ideas.

Decoding the Survey’s Implications
None of the findings of The World Association of Newspapers survey is very surprising. Yet it has some implications that we as Muslims might find noteworthy. The lynchpin of the survey’s disclosures is that the youth are much more familiar, comfortable, and inclined to interactive media. They have grown up in a social environment that fosters engagement with others through the world-wide web of human connectivity. They find the passive experience of print media less appealing. This could be seen as a negative if we focus on the aspect of print media that includes books and other scholastic texts. These have been the mainstays of the seeking of knowledge throughout history and certainly throughout Islamic history. The capacity and willingness to devote time and energy to acquire knowledge requires a discipline and single-minded focus that could be seen as contrariwise to the peripatetic nature of the Internet and social media. When using electronic media, there is so much to choose from at any given moment that one might jump from one attention-grabber to another, never really getting into a deeper exploration or analysis of the subject matter; there is the constant distraction of Facebook, Twitter, instant messaging, email, etc. that can pull one’s focus and concentration away; the overabundance of information can make one feel overwhelmed and unable to “catch up” with what’s happening even in one’s own limited social circle let alone in the widening domains of local, regional, and global activity and occurrence.

The Upside: Solidarity & Activism
On the other hand, the very interactive nature of electronic media holds within it an upside potential. Americans have often fallen into the clutches of passivity, content to move along in their everyday lives with routines that focus on work and recreation, raising a family, striving for a modicum of success. That’s all well and good. But beyond survival concerns and necessities and the “pursuit of the American dream,” many have given little thought to what it means to be members of a state or political community. The practice of citizenship requires participation in the affairs of governing, in supporting the common good, and cultivating attitudes and behaviors that recognize fully the importance of interdependence. The democratic process necessitates getting involved, engaging in social, economic, and political discussion, debate, and decision-making. Americans live in and benefit from a democracy. Yet it has been all too easy for to become complacent.

And then there are the all too many nations in the world that are hostage to brutal dictatorships. Passivity in those societies is more understandable as political activism most often brings censure, imprisonment, or death. Yet we have all witnessed the tremendous upheavals taking place in the Middle East nations and find promise in the vision of ordinary citizens rising up to claim their human and civil rights; refusing to any longer accept the denial of social justice, equality of opportunity, and the basic dignity of living standards that don’t fall to ruin due to predatory wealth and dictatorial power. The activism taking place across the globe, including the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations, reveals once again the power of solidarity and activism to push through the self-imposed constraints of complacency and the state-imposed suppression of rights that breeds passivity and resignation.

Bringing About Change With Hand, Tongue, and Heart
There is a hadeeth that clearly indicates the importance of taking action in the world to create conditions of goodness. On the authority of Abu Saeed al-Khudri (may Allah be pleased with him), who said: “I heard the Messenger of Allah say, ‘Whoever of you sees an evil must change it with his hand. If he is not able to do so, then with his tongue. And if he is not able to do so, then with his heart. And that is the slightest of faith’ ” (Muslim). The best option is taking action, to change adverse conditions “with one’s hand.” The second best option is “with one’s tongue.”

All the dialoguing and debate that the youth engage in via electronic and particularly social media has predisposed them, at the very least, to changing conditions with their tongues (speaking, writing, dialoguing, debating); and, at best, being active and when necessary taking to the streets when governments, corporations, and other entrenched interests defy the right of every man, woman, and child on this planet to food, shelter, education, opportunity to earn a living, pursuit of happiness, and the experience of dignity and hope.

Youth, Balance, and Change
Optimism is derived from Latin roots meaning “the greatest good” and “the best.” And it is related to “optio” meaning “choice.” Let’s be optimistic and choose to believe that the greatest good can come from the trends inaugurated by electronic media and social networking. Let us believe that the youth will more and more take on the responsibilities of active citizenship, moving beyond the disheartening conditions of complacency or passivity or desperate resignation.

We can pray to Allah SWT to facilitate this eventuality. And also we must do our part to make sure the youth understand and institute balance so that they base their activism on knowledge, which must be acquired through effort and discipline, and not just on the youthful passion and energy that is their natural condition. Infuse that balanced endeavor with spiritual qualities such as piety and morality, and we might achieve a new world order, not one conceived by the elitist powers, but one birthed by a determined and right-minded humanity.

December 20, 2011
Counseling: Seeking Advice and Problem Solving
Whenever we go to a community to offer a seminar, we offer counseling the following day for community members. When the availability of counseling is announced, there are always a number of individuals in the audience who “wear their emotions on their sleeve.” Their faces show an immediate interest and then look disheartened, like they are struggling with their thoughts. We imagine that they are in conflict about using the opportunity to consult with a Muslim counselor. “Should I….shouldn’t I?” So when editor of the Message magazine requested us to write an article on counseling because many Muslims are confused about it and hesitant to use it as a resource, we were thrilled. We would hope that this short article might help clear up confusion and answer questions that many have about counseling, as all of us have problems and issues and sometimes need help in addressing them.

In fact, every year, one in five adults in the United States experiences a mental or emotional problem that they are unable to cope with and resolve it themselves. It is not surprising given the complex and fast-paced world we are living in.

The following three cases are common examples of problems that warrant help from a counselor (names and details have been changed to protect privacy).

Rana was severely depressed when she went for her first counseling session. She felt hopeless about her marriage. She stated that her husband, Omar, was a good provider but complained that he was emotionally dry and unaffectionate. She said that he always had to be “doing something, listening to something, watching something,” never able to just sit and talk quietly or take a walk, or just be with her without some sort of diversion. When Omar came for a session and this issue was discussed, he was confident about his definition of love. To him love meant providing food, shelter, and clothing, being sexually intimate with one’s spouse, and having kids. He protested his wife’s definition of love as being too “touchy-feely and childish.” When Rana asked him to read a book about marriage in Islam, he refused. He considered himself “knowledgeable enough” and considered her request as being demanding. Omar pushed Rana away each time she tried to find or create compatibility in their vision of love and marriage. This made her feel unwanted and disregarded as a woman and a wife.

Sarah was a young woman who came for counseling due to obsessive thoughts. She would list in her mind what she had to do each day, over and over again. She felt that this problem was ruining her life as she found it difficult to focus while at her college classes and felt anxious most of the time. She never participated in class and avoided close friendships as she didn’t want anyone to find out about her problem. She did not know where this problem came from or how to deal with it. The more she tried to just stop the listing habit, the stronger it seemed to become. She was miserable and desperate to find relief and live her life without the obsessiveness and the anxiety.

Ali and Heba sought counseling because both of them felt miserable and sad. The love and enjoyment they had experienced when they first married had seemed to somehow gradually fade away. Ali complained that he felt a lot of resentment toward Heba and that she got angry with him often. Heba stated that her anger was due to Ali blaming her often for things that she felt were a result of his own disorganization and mismanagement of his time. They discussed in their counseling session the example of Ali promising to drive Heba to a halaqa (study circle) on a particular day and at a specified time. Ali would wait until the very last minute to leave, conveying in many small ways to Heba that she was inconveniencing him and preventing him from taking care of things like making phone calls or catching up on replying to his emails. This dynamic of Ali blaming Heba and Heba getting angry often had started to dominate their relationship.

What do the individuals in the three stories have in common? They all are practicing Muslims. They all have personal and/or relationship challenges. They all suffer from an inability to cope with those challenges. And finally, they all are examples of individuals or couples who initially refused to consider counseling when suggested by a spouse, relative, or friend.

What if they had known that counseling is a way to address issues and increase healthy and effective coping with the many challenges in life? What if they had known that through the counseling experience one can foster capacities and resources necessary to find personal fulfillment and greater satisfaction in relationships? What if they had known that through counseling they could better align with reality their view of themselves and other people? What if they had known that through counseling they could strengthen their relationship with Allah SWT?

Seeking Counseling:
A Stigma or A Commendable Action?

The individuals in the stories did not realize that the above benefits were available to them through counseling, and more fundamentally, they viewed counseling as a stigma. They thought that seeking counseling was something to be ashamed of, like it would tarnish their reputation and stereotype them as mentally ill or personally dysfunctional/deficient or Islamically weak. In addition, Muslims traditionally have been discouraged from disclosing personal or family difficulties to anyone outside the family. Feeling that counseling is a violation of family confidentiality contributes to seeing it as a stigma. This view of counseling is very common in our Muslim communities. However, nothing could be further from the truth! Again and again the situation plays out that once an individual or couple becomes persuaded that counseling might help them, and takes the initial step to seek counseling, a world of self-discovery opens up to them. Personal and spiritual growth, greater happiness, and increasing relationship satisfaction all become exciting potentials. They come to realize that seeking counseling is an indication that they are resolute in their determination to succeed in this life and in the life to come.

A number of misunderstandings cause the initial confusion about counseling and lead to the perception that seeking counseling is a stigma:
1. Lack of Islamic knowledge or a distorted and narrow understanding of Islam. Some Muslims say that there is no need for counseling because Qur’an and sunnah have all the answers/solutions. Yes, Qur’an and sunnah are perfect sources of all the answers and solutions. It is us human beings that are imperfect in our knowledge, understanding, and application of the knowledge and wisdom available to us.
2. Lack of knowledge with regard to the difference between psychotherapy and counseling. Psychotherapy focuses on analysis of the psyche to create insight into chronic and/or severe problems, understand the past and its impact on the present, and is generally a long term treatment. Counseling on other hand is typically shorter term and focuses primarily on behavior, is very solution-oriented, and helps clients assume full responsibility for their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
3. Lack of knowledge about the abundance of Islamic teachings that guide Muslims to seek help whenever there is a need.
Seeking Advice and Islamic Teachings

The prophets who Allah SWT has sent to humankind throughout history came to guide, advise, and help their followers. Qur’an states that prophet Hud said, “…and I am a trustworthy adviser to you.” (Qur’an 7:68). In another verse about prophet Nuh, he says to the people “I but fulfill towards you the duties of my Lord’s mission; sincere is my advice to you…” (Qur’an 7:62).

There many ahadeeth of the prophet Muhammad SAW emphasizing the importance of giving and receiving advice. The Prophet SAW said, “The deen (religion) is sound advice….” (Muslim) This is a strong statement. The religion as a whole is being equated with the giving and receiving of sound advice. Jareer Bin Abdul-Allah RAA stated that “I have pledged allegiance to the messenger of Allah to establish prayer, pay charity, and advise every Muslim” (Bukhari and Muslim)

In fact, “counselor” means “advisor.” A counselor is an individual who facilitates the solving of problems, the resolving of conflicts and issues, and the capacity to change. Islam is a way of life that prescribes self-transformation. This is the changing of thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and behaviors for the better so as to achieve certain states – pure and sound heart, richness of self, tranquility and freedom of the soul – all endeavoring to earn the pleasure of Allah SWT. By extension, these states of the self/soul engender well-being for the individual and “protect” his/her relationships. The Prophet (SAW) said, “Listen, may I tell you something more important in degree than prayer (salah), fasting (sawm) and charity (sadaqah)?” The companions requested him to do so. He said, “To keep the mutual relationship on the right footing, because defect in the relationship shaves a thing clean.” Abu Isa said this is a sound (sahih) hadeeth and it is related that he (SAW) said, “It shaves a thing clean and I do not mean that it shaves the hair, but it shaves the religion (deen).” (Al-Tirmidhi)

It is truly remarkable that guarding and protecting our relationships is in no way less important in degree than prayer (salah), fasting (sawm) and charity (sadaqah). We know just how important prayer, fasting, and charity are, and this hadeeth is not lessening their significance in any way, but rather pointing to how essential relationships are. The fact that a defect in the relationship wipes out one’s religion (deen) indicates the tremendous impact our relationships have on us and those we are involved with. A miserable marriage relationship, for example, can result in depression, hopelessness, resentment, and other negative states of mind. A dysfunctional and unhappy family life can gradually erode family members’ practice of Islam. The openness to change and the willingness to grow intellectually, emotionally, morally, and spiritually is essential if one’s relationships are to be guarded and protected.

The capacity to know ourselves honestly, requires us to observe the inner dimensions of self in order to realize what is working well for us and what could be more productive, effective, and life-enhancing. Changing maladaptive traits and habits for the better is all about becoming self-accepting, optimally functioning in daily life, and engaging in our relationships in a way that benefits us and those we interact with.
Allah SWT says, “Verily, never will Allah change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves…” (Qur’an 13:11) When a Muslim seeks counseling, it can be seen as an integral part of his or her striving for personal growth and spiritual development.

Goals of Islamic Counseling

Living an active, healthy life by instituting balance and avoiding extremes

“It is Allah Who has sent down the Book in truth, and the balance….” (Qur’an 42:17) In fact, maturity is a balancing of all things in one’s life, and following a middle course between extremes. Muslims are called “ummat-al-wasat,” community of the middle way. For example, the middle way is being generous rather than stingy or extravagant, the two opposing extremes; or being humble rather than self-abasing or self-glorifying; or being nurturing to one’s children rather than withholding and harsh or overly indulgent and permissive. With balance and moderation we can find the greatest enjoyment in our daily lives.

Abu Hurairah reported that the prophet SAW said “Religion is very easy and whoever overburdens himself in his religion will not be able to continue in that way. So you should not be extremists, but try to be near to excellence and receive the good tidings that you will be rewarded; and gain strength by worshipping in the mornings, afternoon and during the last hours of the nights.” (Bukhari)
In the story of Ali and Heba above, counseling provided the opportunity for Ali to learn to better manage his time. This allowed Ali to be more balanced in taking care of his own affairs while still honoring the needs of his wife and putting those needs high up on his priority list. Heba learned anger management techniques and they both worked on communication styles that supported them feeling like allies rather than adversaries.

Feeling empowered in daily living and dedicated to striving to reach one’s greatest potential as a human being and as a believer

The Qur’an says, “…man can have nothing but what he strives for.” (Qur’an 53:39) Prophet Muhammad SAW said, “Allah loves it when any one of you acts, so let him perfect it.” (Al-Bayhaqi in Shoua’ab al-Eman)

Sarah, in the above story, learned how to handle her anxiety by practicing relaxation skills and a negative-thought stopping technique, instituting an exercise routine, and with the help of the counselor, facing the things that triggered her obsessive listing habit. It took time and a lot of perseverance on Sarah’s part, but ultimately she felt that counseling literally changed her life. She felt empowered to pursue her goals and knew that she could achieve them with determination.

Dealing effectively with outward aspects of living such as decision-making or financial planning and also with inward aspects such as being self-aware, reflective, and honest with oneself

In order to be contemplative/reflective (allowing for self-scrutiny in order to grow and change and improve) one must be willing to enter the silence. Yet most people have little experience with the world of silence. It is an unknown and frightening realm for many people. In the silence the agitations in our hearts become audible and demand attention. Whatever pain, resentment, fear, anger, insecurity, or guilt that we are trying to avoid – all of these rise to the surface of our consciousness in the silence. But there are vast realms of wisdom found in practicing silence. Waheebibn Al-Ward said, “We were told that wisdom has ten parts and nine of them are in silence.” (Ihia’aUluum Al-Deen, Al-Ghazali). Prophet Muhammad SAW said: “Indeed silence is wisdom but very few practice it.” (Al-Bayhaqi and IbnHibban)

Omar, in the above story, learned through counseling to value Rana’s vision of marriage and intimacy. When she requested him to be open minded and consider new perspectives, rather than just reacting to her with verbal insults or by tuning her out, he practiced listening in complete silence. What persuaded him was learning about how the Prophet SAW was the greatest listener, and that the Prophet’s companion, Anas (RAA) said, “Part and parcel of marooah is for a brother (or sister) to listen silently to his brother (or sister) when they speak.” (Al-Tareekh by Al-Khateeb) Marooah is a comprehensive word in Arabic, which includes intelligence, power, bravery, generosity and honor.
Counseling helped Omar to enlarge his self-concept and to cultivate greater self-awareness. He began to realize that his manliness was not threatened by the things of gentleness, kindness, and compassionate caring.

Living with contentment, joy, and an optimistic view of life

Many human beings think that acquiring wealth and the luxuries it can buy will make them happy. Prophet Muhammad SAW said, “Wealth does not come from an abundance of things. True wealth comes from a contented mind.” (Bukhari and Muslim) The Prophet SAW also said, “True richness is the richness of the self.” (Bukhari)

Through counseling, the individuals in the stories above came to a greater understanding that happiness is not a mood. It is more a spiritual approach to life. It is a chosen and practiced mindset that facilitates, feeds, enhances feelings of positive and enjoyable well-being. True happiness does not come with what one has acquired – whether possessions, or prestige, or power – it comes with what one has actualized in the self or soul.

Feeling the deep conviction that life has meaning and purpose

Many individuals seek counseling because they feel that their life is meaningless and this leaves them depleted of vital energy and the ability to function productively on a daily basis. A Muslim has the benefit of eman to provide the foundation for a life filled with meaning and purpose. The Qur’an says, “Those who celebrate the praises of Allah, standing, sitting, and lying down on their sides, and contemplate the creation in the heavens and the earth; (Saying) ‘Our Lord! You have not created this without meaning and purpose…’ ” (Qur’an 3:191)

Building healthy and happy relationships in family, community, and ummah; and realizing that sound relationships protect one’s practice of Islam

The Prophet SAW said, “Listen, may I tell you something more important in degree than prayer (salah), fasting (sawm) and charity (sadaqah)?” The companions requested him to do so. He said, “To keep the mutual relationship on the right footing, because defect in the relationship shaves a thing clean.” Abu Esa said this is a sound (sahih) hadeeth and it is related that he (SAW) said, “It shaves the thing clean and I do not mean that it shaves the hair, but it shaves the religion (deen).”

This hadeeth does not mean that salah, sawm and sadaqah are not essential to one’s faith. To the contrary, it is their centrality to our belief and our practice of Islam that makes guarding relationships exceptionally important. Think about it – a dysfunctional relationship that is filled with resentment, fear or misery – such a distressing relationship gradually wears away at the strength and depth of eman. Energy and time consumed in conflict, crises, passive-aggressive behavior, and bitterness is energy and time not devoted to one’s spiritual and religious practice and growth. Hateful thoughts and feelings are poison to one’s eman and deen. It may even cause people to stop praying, fasting or practicing Islam all together because they are consumed by conflict and misery.

Strengthening adaptive behaviors and overcoming maladaptive behaviors

Self-discipline is a capacity to behave in ways that serve our intentions and goals. It is the only path to optimal health, happiness, and success. Indulgence in impulsive or habitual behaviors and attitudes that are destructive, disregards the principle of cause and effect. Realizing that an action has consequences, either positive or negative, and that we can make a choice at each and every moment of our daily lives, is the first step toward self-governance. Controlling impulses and whims is a profound ability that can be learned at any age, and can be strengthened anytime one makes an intention to further develop this capacity

All of the individuals in the stories above successfully utilized the resource of counseling to resolve their issues. They all ultimately felt that they had taken charge of their lives in a purposeful way. Each one enlarged and extended his/her view of relationships and the importance of doing whatever needs to be done to guard and enhance the relationship with self, relationships with other people, and relationship with Allah SWT. Each one committed to the principle of life-long learning in order to achieve optimal functioning in their daily lives. By acquiring greater self-awareness, cultivating self-discipline, and knowing himself or herself in a deeper and more honest way, each one came to realize that he/she was on the path to drawing nearer to Allah SWT. As Imam Yahia Mua’az Al-Razy said, “Whoever knows himself, indeed he knows his Lord.”

Back to Basics

Of course the basic goal of counseling is to help individuals solve their human problems. Human beings have all sorts of issues and counseling is one of many ways to address these issues. Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, as well as parenting and parent-child challenges, cross-cultural issues, ADD, bipolar disorder, issues of abuse, harmful habits and addictions, in-law issues – all of these are commonly addressed in counseling. In addition, however, there are many practical skills that one can learn through counseling such as:
- how to discipline the thoughts
- how to practice active and empathic listening
- how to practice silence and reflection/contemplation
- how to practice the “pause” before responding so as not to be reactive and heedless of consequences
- how to be self-examining in order to observe and recognize one’s own distorted thinking or perceptions as well as one’s maladaptive behaviors
- how to overcome an anger issue
- how to eliminate a habit of blaming
- how to resolve resentments
- how to deal with conflicts in a healthy, productive way
It is interesting that oftentimes when an individual starts incorporating these new skills into his/her daily habits of living, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem are ameliorated. Significantly, studies show that positive change and personal growth continue to develop beyond the conclusion of counseling. In studies, follow-up assessments were conducted up to three years after counseling ended. This suggests that through counseling, clients were provided with tools that allowed them to feel better, function more effectively, reduce physical and/or emotional symptoms, and cope better with life’s challenges. And these benefits continued well beyond the termination of the counseling experience.

An Excellent Proactive Measure to Take in Preparing for Marriage

The divorce rate is increasing dramatically among Muslims today compared to even five years ago. Studies show that satisfaction and success in marriage correlates to the degree of education a couple has acquired with regard to marriage, relationships, and parenting. Islamic teachings staunchly support being proactive and preventing problems before they arise. Therefore it is highly recommended for Muslims who are planning marriage to get some training in areas such as healthy and effective communication, problem-solving, knowing the Islamic rights and responsibilities of both spouses, artful conflict resolution, financial planning, and learning how to set marriage and parental goals.

Pre-marital coaching/counseling, on average, takes 6-8 sessions. However, each couple brings unique challenges as well as resources to the premarital counseling experience. Levels of motivation and self-discipline are variable according to the individuals involved. The number of sessions is determined by the couple themselves. If they do some reading on their own and practice the techniques and exercises they learn, a fewer number of sessions is needed. If there are psychological challenges such as anger, anxiety, irrational fear, or one or both individuals comes from a dysfunctional family of origin, additional sessions may be required to address the issues.

The most important factor, not only in how many sessions are needed, but also in the overall success of the premarital training, is whether the individuals/couples are motivated, willing to listen with the intention to be responsive and adaptable, open to learning, and committed to applying what they have learned to their relationship and to their daily living.

Where to Find a Muslim Counselor?

One problem that Muslims encounter living in the West, is that at this time there are not that many qualified Muslim counselors. Going to a non-Muslim counselor is not ideal since they will most likely be unfamiliar with the tenets of Islam. Religious and cultural traditions are interwoven into the fabric of the challenges and problems that individuals or couples face. The solutions offered may not accord with the teachings of Islam and, in addition, will not have the divine principles to draw on. However, if there is no Muslim counselor available in a particular area and it is matter of urgency, it is acceptable to seek counseling from a non-Muslim. One who is familiar with the Islamic tradition and Muslim culture would be best. Indeed, there are some non-Muslim counselors who are very aware of and respectful of cultural differences and effective in counseling Muslims. The internet is also a great resource for finding a Muslim counselor even if he/she is not local. It just might take some research and persistence to find the right individual. Below are some options:
- MCA Bay Area Counseling Services – San Francisco, California, in person or by phone
- Sakinah Muslim Counseling Services – UK
- IslamOnline Cyber Counselor – Online Advice/Q&A
- LivingEman.com – Islamic counseling by phone
- Center for Islamic Counseling & Guidance- Jonesboro, Georgia
- Muslim Family Services (ICNA Relief) – Detroit, Michigan
Choosing a Counselor

The ideal counselor is a Muslim who utilizes both Islamic teachings and western counseling approaches. Within the framework of an Islamic model of counseling, an eclectic approach draws on both sources and provides entryway into a deeper understanding of the self. Do not be afraid to ask the counselor if he/she utilizes Islamic as well as western modalities. Do not hesitate to ask whether they provide practical techniques in addition to discussion (often referred to as “talk therapy”). It is certainly beneficial to gain greater insight into one’s issues and problems; however, it is just as essential to acquire and practice new skills and techniques related to the resolving of those issues.

Rapport is the foundation that a successful counseling experience is built on. Feeling comfortable with and trusting the counselor is imperative. Research shows that liking one’s counselor and feeling that he/she genuinely listens and empathizes with one’s issues is as significant to the successful outcome of the counseling as the therapist’s experience or training. It is unprofessional and inappropriate for a counselor to ever come across as judgmental, or that they are trying to impose any belief, perspective, or action on the client. Never should they blame or find fault with a client.

How Many Sessions Are Typically Needed?

As stated above with regard to pre-marital counseling, there is no standard answer to this question. A client brings his or her own level of motivation and self-discipline to the process. The need for one session or an ongoing number of sessions is determined by the client him/herself. Ultimately, the duration of counseling depends on the severity of the problem, as well as the commitment, seriousness, and perseverance of the client to work toward articulated goals. The counseling experience is a collaboration between the counselor and the client. Nonetheless, the client has the ultimate say in determining goals and the duration of the counseling.

For example, an individual who starts counseling to learn coping skills and eagerly learns and practices with the tools and techniques he/she acquires during the counseling sessions, may feel they have accomplished what they intended to accomplish in two sessions. Another individual may come to counseling looking to address a number of issues including depression and food addiction. They may do one session per week for eight weeks to accomplish their goals. A final example is a couple who comes to counseling because they are on the verge of divorce. They feel the need for two sessions a week at the beginning to stabilize their situation and feel that they are out of danger. Then they do one session a week for three months until their relationship is significantly improved and they have acquired the knowledge and tools necessary to proceed on their own in a healthy and productive way. In conclusion, the counseling process can take a one session or an ongoing number of weekly sessions.

Promise of Happiness and Success

The development and enriching of the self/soul is a work in progress for each of us. Through many different means the aspects of self can be inventoried, tuned, and tested to make sure they are functional and sound. This includes examining one’s thoughts, feelings, attitudes, motives, and behaviors. Going through this process is a lifelong endeavor. It is a process of healing all that is fragmented, impaired, dysfunctional, or wounded within the soul. It is the way toward wholeness and happiness, a return to the fitrah, the pristine human nature that each human is born with. As Muslims, we are promised happiness and success in this life and in the life to come. It is our choice to pursue that blessed state or not. For those who choose a dedicated life (the journey of self-transformation), counseling can be a valuable resource to facilitate that striving and the attainment of its fruits.

By Leslie Schaffer and Kamal Shaarawy

Whenever we go to a community to offer a seminar, we offer counseling the following day for community members. When the availability of counseling is announced, there are always a number of individuals in the audience who “wear their emotions on their sleeve.” Their faces show an immediate interest and then look disheartened, like they are struggling with their thoughts. We imagine that they are in conflict about using the opportunity to consult with a Muslim counselor. “Should I….shouldn’t I?” So when editor of the Message magazine requested us to write an article on counseling because many Muslims are confused about it and hesitant to use it as a resource, we were thrilled. We would hope that this short article might help clear up confusion and answer questions that many have about counseling, as all of us have problems and issues and sometimes need help in addressing them.
In fact, every year, one in five adults in the United States experiences a mental or emotional problem that they are unable to cope with and resolve it themselves. It is not surprising given the complex and fast-paced world we are living in. The following three cases are common examples of problems that warrant help from a counselor (names and details have been changed to protect privacy).
Rana was severely depressed when she went for her first counseling session. She felt hopeless about her marriage. She stated that her husband, Omar, was a good provider but complained that he was emotionally dry and unaffectionate. She said that he always had to be “doing something, listening to something, watching something,” never able to just sit and talk quietly or take a walk, or just be with her without some sort of diversion. When Omar came for a session and this issue was discussed, he was confident about his definition of love. To him love meant providing food, shelter, and clothing, being sexually intimate with one’s spouse, and having kids. He protested his wife’s definition of love as being too “touchy-feely and childish.” When Rana asked him to read a book about marriage in Islam, he refused. He considered himself “knowledgeable enough” and considered her request as being demanding. Omar pushed Rana away each time she tried to find or
create compatibility in their
vision of love and marriage.
This made her feel
unwanted and disregarded
as a woman and a wife.
Sarah was a young woman who came for counseling due to obsessive thoughts. She would list in her mind what she had to do each day, over and over again. She felt that this problem was ruining her life as she found it difficult to focus while at her college classes and felt anxious most of the time. She never participated in class and avoided close friendships as she didn’t want anyone to find out about her problem. She did not know where this problem came from or how to deal with it. The more she tried to just stop the listing habit, the stronger it seemed to become. She was miserable and desperate to find relief and live her life without the obsessiveness and the anxiety.
Ali and Heba sought counseling because both of them felt miserable and sad. The love and enjoyment they had experienced when they first married had seemed to somehow gradually fade away. Ali complained that he felt a lot of resentment toward Heba and that she got angry with him often. Heba stated that her anger was due to Ali blaming her often for things that she felt were a result of his own disorganization and mismanagement of his time. They discussed in their counseling session the example of Ali promising to drive Heba to a halaqa (study circle) on a particular day and at a specified time. Ali would wait until the very last minute to leave, conveying in many small ways to Heba that she was inconveniencing him and preventing him from taking care of things like making phone calls or catching up on replying to his emails. This dynamic of Ali blaming Heba and Heba getting angry often had started to dominate their relationship.
What do the individuals in the three stories have in common? They all are practicing Muslims. They all have personal and/or relationship challenges. They all suffer from an inability to cope with those challenges. And finally, they all are examples of individuals or couples who initially refused to consider counseling when suggested by a spouse, relative, or friend.
What if they had known that counseling is a way to address issues and increase healthy and effective coping with the many challenges in life? What if they had known that through the counseling experience one can foster capacities and resources necessary to find personal fulfillment and greater satisfaction in relationships? What if they had known that through counseling they could better align with reality their view of themselves and other people? What if they had known that through counseling they could strengthen their relationship with Allah SWT?

Seeking Counseling:
A Stigma or A Commendable Action?
The individuals in the stories did not realize that the above benefits were available to them through counseling, and more fundamentally, they viewed counseling as a stigma. They thought that seeking counseling was something to be ashamed of, like it would tarnish their reputation and stereotype them as mentally ill or personally dysfunctional/deficient or Islamically weak. In addition, Muslims traditionally have been discouraged from disclosing personal or family difficulties to anyone outside the family. Feeling that counseling is a violation of family confidentiality contributes to seeing it as a stigma. This view of counseling is very common in our Muslim communities. However, nothing could be further from the truth! Again and again the situation plays out that once an individual or couple becomes persuaded that counseling might help them, and takes the initial step to seek counseling, a world of self-discovery opens up to them. Personal and spiritual growth, greater happiness, and increasing relationship satisfaction all become exciting potentials. They come to realize that seeking counseling is an indication that they are resolute in their determination to succeed in this life and in the life to come.
A number of misunderstandings cause the initial confusion about counseling and lead to the perception that seeking counseling is a stigma:

Lack of Islamic knowledge or a distorted and narrow understanding of Islam. Some Muslims say that there is no need for counseling because Qur’an and sunnah have all the answers/solutions. Yes, Qur’an and sunnah are perfect sources of all the answers and solutions. It is us human beings that are imperfect in our knowledge, understanding, and application of the knowledge and wisdom available to us.
Lack of knowledge with regard to the difference between psychotherapy and counseling. Psychotherapy focuses on analysis of the psyche to create insight into chronic and/or severe problems, understand the past and its impact on the present, and is generally a long term treatment. Counseling on other hand is typically shorter term and focuses primarily on behavior, is very solution-oriented, and helps clients assume full responsibility for their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Lack of knowledge about the abundance of Islamic teachings that guide Muslims to seek help whenever there is a need.

Seeking Advice and Islamic Teachings
The prophets who Allah SWT has sent to humankind throughout history came to guide, advise, and help their followers. Qur’an states that prophet Hud said, “…and I am a trustworthy adviser to you.” (Qur’an 7:68). In another verse about prophet Nuh, he says to the people “I but fulfill towards you the duties of my Lord’s mission; sincere is my advice to you…” (Qur’an 7:62).
There many ahadeeth of the prophet Muhammad SAW emphasizing the importance of giving and receiving advice. The Prophet SAW said, “The deen (religion) is sound advice….” (Muslim) This is a strong statement. The religion as a whole is being equated with the giving and receiving of sound advice. Jareer Bin Abdul-Allah RAA stated that “I have pledged allegiance to the messenger of Allah to establish prayer, pay charity, and advise every Muslim” (Bukhari and Muslim)
In fact, “counselor” means “advisor.” A counselor is an individual who facilitates the solving of problems, the resolving of conflicts and issues, and the capacity to change. Islam is a way of life that prescribes self-transformation. This is the changing of thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and behaviors for the better so as to achieve certain states – pure and sound heart, richness of self, tranquility and freedom of the soul – all endeavoring to earn the pleasure of Allah SWT. By extension, these states of the self/soul engender well-being for the individual and “protect” his/her relationships. The Prophet (SAW) said, “Listen, may I tell you something more important in degree than prayer (salah), fasting (sawm) and charity (sadaqah)?” The companions requested him to do so. He said, “To keep the mutual relationship on the right footing, because defect in the relationship shaves a thing clean.” Abu Isa said this is a sound (sahih) hadeeth and it is related that he (SAW) said, “It shaves a thing clean and I do not mean that it shaves the hair, but it shaves the religion (deen).” (Al-Tirmidhi)
It is truly remarkable that guarding and protecting our relationships is in no way less important in degree than prayer (salah), fasting (sawm) and charity (sadaqah). We know just how important prayer, fasting, and charity are, and this hadeeth is not lessening their significance in any way, but rather pointing to how essential relationships are. The fact that a defect in the relationship wipes out one’s religion (deen) indicates the tremendous impact our relationships have on us and those we are involved with. A miserable marriage relationship, for example, can result in depression, hopelessness, resentment, and other negative states of mind. A dysfunctional and unhappy family life can gradually erode family members’ practice of Islam. The openness to change and the willingness to grow intellectually, emotionally, morally, and spiritually is essential if one’s relationships are to be guarded and protected.
The capacity to know ourselves honestly, requires us to observe the inner dimensions of self in order to realize what is working well for us and what could be more productive, effective, and life-enhancing. Changing maladaptive traits and habits for the better is all about becoming self-accepting, optimally functioning in daily life, and engaging in our relationships in a way that benefits us and those we interact with.
Allah SWT says, “Verily, never will Allah change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves…” (Qur’an 13:11) When a Muslim seeks counseling, it can be seen as an integral part of his or her striving for personal growth and spiritual development.

Goals of Islamic Counseling

Living an active, healthy life by instituting balance and avoiding extremes
“It is Allah Who has sent down the Book in truth, and the balance….” (Qur’an 42:17) In fact, maturity is a balancing of all things in one’s life, and following a middle course between extremes. Muslims are called “ummat-al-wasat,” community of the middle way. For example, the middle way is being generous rather than stingy or extravagant, the two opposing extremes; or being humble rather than self-abasing or self-glorifying; or being nurturing to one’s children rather than withholding and harsh or overly indulgent and permissive. With balance and moderation we can find the greatest enjoyment in our daily lives.
Abu Hurairah reported that the prophet SAW said “Religion is very easy and whoever overburdens himself in his religion will not be able to continue in that way. So you should not be extremists, but try to be near to excellence and receive the good tidings that you will be rewarded; and gain strength by worshipping in the mornings, afternoon and during the last hours of the nights.” (Bukhari)
In the story of Ali and Heba above, counseling provided the opportunity for Ali to learn to better manage his time. This allowed Ali to be more balanced in taking care of his own affairs while still honoring the needs of his wife and putting those needs high up on his priority list. Heba learned anger management techniques and they both worked on communication styles that supported them feeling like allies rather than adversaries.

Feeling empowered in daily living and dedicated to striving to reach one’s greatest potential as a human being and as a believer
The Qur’an says, “…man can have nothing but what he strives for.” (Qur’an 53:39) Prophet Muhammad SAW said, “Allah loves it when any one of you acts, so let him perfect it.” (Al-Bayhaqi in Shoua’ab al-Eman)
Sarah, in the above story, learned how to handle her anxiety by practicing relaxation skills and a negative-thought stopping technique, instituting an exercise routine, and with the help of the counselor, facing the things that triggered her obsessive listing habit. It took time and a lot of perseverance on Sarah’s part, but ultimately she felt that counseling literally changed her life. She felt empowered to pursue her goals and knew that she could achieve them with determination.

Dealing effectively with outward aspects of living such as decision-making or financial planning and also with inward aspects such as being self-aware, reflective, and honest with oneself
In order to be contemplative/reflective (allowing for self-scrutiny in order to grow and change and improve) one must be willing to enter the silence. Yet most people have little experience with the world of silence. It is an unknown and frightening realm for many people. In the silence the agitations in our hearts become audible and demand attention. Whatever pain, resentment, fear, anger, insecurity, or guilt that we are trying to avoid – all of these rise to the surface of our consciousness in the silence. But there are vast realms of wisdom found in practicing silence. Waheebibn Al-Ward said, “We were told that wisdom has ten parts and nine of them are in silence.” (Ihia’aUluum Al-Deen, Al-Ghazali). Prophet Muhammad SAW said: “Indeed silence is wisdom but very few practice it.” (Al-Bayhaqi and IbnHibban)
Omar, in the above story, learned through counseling to value Rana’s vision of marriage and intimacy. When she requested him to be open minded and consider new perspectives, rather than just reacting to her with verbal insults or by tuning her out, he practiced listening in complete silence. What persuaded him was learning about how the Prophet SAW was the greatest listener, and that the Prophet’s companion, Anas (RAA) said, “Part and parcel of marooah is for a brother (or sister) to listen silently to his brother (or sister) when they speak.” (Al-Tareekh by Al-Khateeb) Marooah is a comprehensive word in Arabic, which includes intelligence, power, bravery, generosity and honor.
Counseling helped Omar to enlarge his self-concept and to cultivate greater self-awareness. He began to realize that his manliness was not threatened by the things of gentleness, kindness, and compassionate caring.

Living with contentment, joy, and an optimistic view of life
Many human beings think that acquiring wealth and the luxuries it can buy will make them happy. Prophet Muhammad SAW said, “Wealth does not come from an abundance of things. True wealth comes from a contented mind.” (Bukhari and Muslim) The Prophet SAW also said, “True richness is the richness of the self.” (Bukhari)
Through counseling, the individuals in the stories above came to a greater understanding that happiness is not a mood. It is more a spiritual approach to life. It is a chosen and practiced mindset that facilitates, feeds, enhances feelings of positive and enjoyable well-being. True happiness does not come with what one has acquired – whether possessions, or prestige, or power – it comes with what one has actualized in the self or soul.

Feeling the deep conviction that life has meaning and purpose
Many individuals seek counseling because they feel that their life is meaningless and this leaves them depleted of vital energy and the ability to function productively on a daily basis. A Muslim has the benefit of eman to provide the foundation for a life filled with meaning and purpose. The Qur’an says, “Those who celebrate the praises of Allah, standing, sitting, and lying down on their sides, and contemplate the creation in the heavens and the earth; (Saying) ‘Our Lord! You have not created this without meaning and purpose…’ ” (Qur’an 3:191)

Building healthy and happy relationships in family, community, and ummah; and realizing that sound relationships protect one’s practice of Islam
The Prophet SAW said, “Listen, may I tell you something more important in degree than prayer (salah), fasting (sawm) and charity (sadaqah)?” The companions requested him to do so. He said, “To keep the mutual relationship on the right footing, because defect in the relationship shaves a thing clean.” Abu Esa said this is a sound (sahih) hadeeth and it is related that he (SAW) said, “It shaves the thing clean and I do not mean that it shaves the hair, but it shaves the religion (deen).”
This hadeeth does not mean that salah, sawm and sadaqah are not essential to one’s faith. To the contrary, it is their centrality to our belief and our practice of Islam that makes guarding relationships exceptionally important. Think about it – a dysfunctional relationship that is filled with resentment, fear or misery – such a distressing relationship gradually wears away at the strength and depth of eman. Energy and time consumed in conflict, crises, passive-aggressive behavior, and bitterness is energy and time not devoted to one’s spiritual and religious practice and growth. Hateful thoughts and feelings are poison to one’s eman and deen. It may even cause people to stop praying, fasting or practicing Islam all together because they are consumed by conflict and misery.

Strengthening adaptive behaviors and overcoming maladaptive behaviors
Self-discipline is a capacity to behave in ways that serve our intentions and goals. It is the only path to optimal health, happiness, and success. Indulgence in impulsive or habitual behaviors and attitudes that are destructive, disregards the principle of cause and effect. Realizing that an action has consequences, either positive or negative, and that we can make a choice at each and every moment of our daily lives, is the first step toward self-governance. Controlling impulses and whims is a profound ability that can be learned at any age, and can be strengthened anytime one makes an intention to further develop this capacity
All of the individuals in the stories above successfully utilized the resource of counseling to resolve their issues. They all ultimately felt that they had taken charge of their lives in a purposeful way. Each one enlarged and extended his/her view of relationships and the importance of doing whatever needs to be done to guard and enhance the relationship with self, relationships with other people, and relationship with Allah SWT. Each one committed to the principle of life-long learning in order to achieve optimal functioning in their daily lives. By acquiring greater self-awareness, cultivating self-discipline, and knowing himself or herself in a deeper and more honest way, each one came to realize that he/she was on the path to drawing nearer to Allah SWT. As Imam Yahia Mua’az Al-Razy said, “Whoever knows himself, indeed he knows his Lord.”

Back to Basics
Of course the basic goal of counseling is to help individuals solve their human problems. Human beings have all sorts of issues and counseling is one of many ways to address these issues. Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, as well as parenting and parent-child challenges, cross-cultural issues, ADD, bipolar disorder, issues of abuse, harmful habits and addictions, in-law issues – all of these are commonly addressed in counseling. In addition, however, there are many practical skills that one can learn through counseling such as:
how to discipline the thoughts
how to practice active and empathic listening
how to practice silence and reflection/contemplation
how to practice the “pause” before responding so as not to be reactive and heedless of consequences
how to be self-examining in order to observe and recognize one’s own distorted thinking or perceptions as well as one’s maladaptive behaviors
how to overcome an anger issue
how to eliminate a habit of blaming
how to resolve resentments
how to deal with conflicts in a healthy, productive way
It is interesting that oftentimes when an individual starts incorporating these new skills into his/her daily habits of living, depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem are ameliorated. Significantly, studies show that positive change and personal growth continue to develop beyond the conclusion of counseling. In studies, follow-up assessments were conducted up to three years after counseling ended. This suggests that through counseling, clients were provided with tools that allowed them to feel better, function more effectively, reduce physical and/or emotional symptoms, and cope better with life’s challenges. And these benefits continued well beyond the termination of the counseling experience.

An Excellent Proactive Measure to Take in Preparing for Marriage
The divorce rate is increasing dramatically among Muslims today compared to even five years ago. Studies show that satisfaction and success in marriage correlates to the degree of education a couple has acquired with regard to marriage, relationships, and parenting. Islamic teachings staunchly support being proactive and preventing problems before they arise. Therefore it is highly recommended for Muslims who are planning marriage to get some training in areas such as healthy and effective communication, problem-solving, knowing the Islamic rights and responsibilities of both spouses, artful conflict resolution, financial planning, and learning how to set marriage and parental goals.
Pre-marital coaching/counseling, on average, takes 6-8 sessions. However, each couple brings unique challenges as well as resources to the premarital counseling experience. Levels of motivation and self-discipline are variable according to the individuals involved. The number of sessions is determined by the couple themselves. If they do some reading on their own and practice the techniques and exercises they learn, a fewer number of sessions is needed. If there are psychological challenges such as anger, anxiety, irrational fear, or one or both individuals comes from a dysfunctional family of origin, additional sessions may be required to address the issues.
The most important factor, not only in how many sessions are needed, but also in the overall success of the premarital training, is whether the individuals/couples are motivated, willing to listen with the intention to be responsive and adaptable, open to learning, and committed to applying what they have learned to their relationship and to their daily living.

Where to Find a Muslim Counselor?
One problem that Muslims encounter living in the West, is that at this time there are not that many qualified Muslim counselors. Going to a non-Muslim counselor is not ideal since they will most likely be unfamiliar with the tenets of Islam. Religious and cultural traditions are interwoven into the fabric of the challenges and problems that individuals or couples face. The solutions offered may not accord with the teachings of Islam and, in addition, will not have the divine principles to draw on. However, if there is no Muslim counselor available in a particular area and it is matter of urgency, it is acceptable to seek counseling from a non-Muslim. One who is familiar with the Islamic tradition and Muslim culture would be best. Indeed, there are some non-Muslim counselors who are very aware of and respectful of cultural differences and effective in counseling Muslims. The internet is also a great resource for finding a Muslim counselor even if he/she is not local. It just might take some research and persistence to find the right individual. Below are some options:
MCA Bay Area Counseling Services – San Francisco, California, in person or by phone
Sakinah Muslim Counseling Services – UK
IslamOnline Cyber Counselor – Online Advice/Q&A
LivingEman.com – Islamic counseling by phone
Center for Islamic Counseling & Guidance- Jonesboro, Georgia
Muslim Family Services (ICNA Relief) – Detroit, Michigan

Choosing a Counselor
The ideal counselor is a Muslim who utilizes both Islamic teachings and western counseling approaches. Within the framework of an Islamic model of counseling, an eclectic approach draws on both sources and provides entryway into a deeper understanding of the self. Do not be afraid to ask the counselor if he/she utilizes Islamic as well as western modalities. Do not hesitate to ask whether they provide practical techniques in addition to discussion (often referred to as “talk therapy”). It is certainly beneficial to gain greater insight into one’s issues and problems; however, it is just as essential to acquire and practice new skills and techniques related to the resolving of those issues.
Rapport is the foundation that a successful counseling experience is built on. Feeling comfortable with and trusting the counselor is imperative. Research shows that liking one’s counselor and feeling that he/she genuinely listens and empathizes with one’s issues is as significant to the successful outcome of the counseling as the therapist’s experience or training. It is unprofessional and inappropriate for a counselor to ever come across as judgmental, or that they are trying to impose any belief, perspective, or action on the client. Never should they blame or find fault with a client.

How Many Sessions Are Typically Needed?
As stated above with regard to pre-marital counseling, there is no standard answer to this question. A client brings his or her own level of motivation and self-discipline to the process. The need for one session or an ongoing number of sessions is determined by the client him/herself. Ultimately, the duration of counseling depends on the severity of the problem, as well as the commitment, seriousness, and perseverance of the client to work toward articulated goals. The counseling experience is a collaboration between the counselor and the client. Nonetheless, the client has the ultimate say in determining goals and the duration of the counseling.
For example, an individual who starts counseling to learn coping skills and eagerly learns and practices with the tools and techniques he/she acquires during the counseling sessions, may feel they have accomplished what they intended to accomplish in two sessions. Another individual may come to counseling looking to address a number of issues including depression and food addiction. They may do one session per week for eight weeks to accomplish their goals. A final example is a couple who comes to counseling because they are on the verge of divorce. They feel the need for two sessions a week at the beginning to stabilize their situation and feel that they are out of danger. Then they do one session a week for three months until their relationship is significantly improved and they have acquired the knowledge and tools necessary to proceed on their own in a healthy and productive way. In conclusion, the counseling process can take a one session or an ongoing number of weekly sessions.

Promise of Happiness and Success
The development and enriching of the self/soul is a work in progress for each of us. Through many different means the aspects of self can be inventoried, tuned, and tested to make sure they are functional and sound. This includes examining one’s thoughts, feelings, attitudes, motives, and behaviors. Going through this process is a lifelong endeavor. It is a process of healing all that is fragmented, impaired, dysfunctional, or wounded within the soul. It is the way toward wholeness and happiness, a return to the fitrah, the pristine human nature that each human is born with. As Muslims, we are promised happiness and success in this life and in the life to come. It is our choice to pursue that blessed state or not. For those who choose a dedicated life (the journey of self-transformation), counseling can be a valuable resource to facilitate that striving and the attainment of its fruits.
December 27, 2010