Muslim children – The Message International

Editor’s note: The author of this article has chosen to write anonymously in order to protect the identity of their child.

I’ll admit it. I used to be complacent. A decade ago, my children were young and happily attending Islamic school. They were memorizing Qur’an, socializing with other Muslim kids, willingly joining us for salat in our home and activities in the masjid. In those days when I would hear about a Muslim teen in our community who had started dressing immodestly. . . or one who had been caught with a boyfriend or girlfriend behind the school. . . or one who consistently skipped prayers . . . I thought, alhamdullilah my kids are not like that.

If I’m being completely honest, deep down inside I also sometimes thought, What did their parents do wrong to get such a misguided child? This assumption, of course, implied that I was doing something right. That my children’s current acquiescence to the rules of their faith was my doing. That my husband and I could take all the credit for their innocence and love of Islam.

So often in life we find that the very thing we judge others for – the thing we smugly think could never happen to us – will come back to bite us. And in my case, sadly, it did.

My daughter wore hijab until she was seventeen. Then one day she removed it, not with hesitance or regret, but with grim determination. In retrospect, I guess I should have seen it coming. She had been dropping hints for a long time. She had cried about the tactless and hurtful comments about her Islamic dress that she’d heard from non-Muslim peers and complete strangers. She had complained numerous times about the inconvenience of wearing modest swimwear at the beach because all the material weighed her down, and she felt she looked like a “freak” amongst her bikini-clad contemporaries. She had argued countless times that Muslim men had it easy: they could blend in with Western society and wear almost anything they wanted. They usually did not face the same harassment that Muslim women did. No matter how many times I tried to explain the reasoning behind Islamic rulings, remind her of Allah’s wisdom and love, and encourage her devotion to her faith, my words increasingly fell on deaf ears.

Still, the fact remains that I was surprised and heartbroken when my daughter decided to remove her hijab. Even more concerning, her faith started slipping away bit by bit – missed prayer by missed prayer – over the subsequent months. I tried many times to change her mind, but ultimately, I felt powerless to stop the downward spiral. At this point, my intelligent, strong-willed daughter was listening only to her peers, social media influencers, and even the books she read in school. All of these made her feel like her faith was a prison that she needed to escape.

I was a teen once. I remember the allure of the “freedom,” “independence” and “glamor” that the world promises to individuals who follow their whims and desires. I realize that as an adult, it is far easier to embrace modesty, humility, and submission to God; but for many adolescents in the modern world, adhering to Islam can indeed feel like grasping a burning coal, as our Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) predicted.

Eventually, due to my daughter’s deviation from the Straight Path, I realized that my children’s guidance was not in my hands. Yes, I have a responsibility to do my best to be a good Islamic role model and teacher, but my efforts are not necessarily enough to secure my children’s hearts to Allah. Only He SWT can guide, and He is the Turner of Hearts. “Verily, you [O Muhammad] guide not whom you like, but Allah guides whom He wills. And He knows best those who are the guided” (Quran 28:56).

I grieved privately for months. Finally, I hesitantly opened up to some close Muslim friends about my experience. I was immensely relieved when they confessed similar stories: many of them also had teens who were struggling to practice, or barely practicing, or not practicing at all. Of course, I was not happy to hear this news, but I admit it gave me some solace to know I wasn’t alone. Those parents, my friends and contemporaries, were excellent Muslims. They prayed and worshiped as a family, led a wholesome life, set a good example, and invested in Islamic schools, homeschooling, and Qur’an lessons. And yet, many of their teenagers had still drifted from their deen. It was a tragedy, yes, but clearly it wasn’t entirely the fault of us parents.

Talking with other moms, I also realized that the Muslim community’s reaction to misguided youth is, generally, very unhelpful. The teens feel so judged and unaccepted that they stop attending Islamic events and start avoiding practicing Muslims altogether. One friend’s daughter noticed that when she stopped wearing hijab, some of the “aunties” who had known and loved her for years were suddenly cold and distant. In part, I can’t blame them. They were probably saddened to see a young woman abandon an important act of worship. Perhaps they were even worried that she would influence their daughters and encourage them to stop dressing modestly. I don’t entirely fault them, but I do know the community’s rejection hurts teens deeply and pushes them even farther away from the deen.

Whether you can relate to my situation or not, if you are a Muslim parent, I have some words of advice. These are words from a distraught mother whose own child has wandered off the Straight Path and whose constant prayer is for her child’s repentance.

Don’t get complacent. If your young children are enthusiastically practicing their faith, that is wonderful. But do not mistake that for a guarantee of future adherence. No matter how much they seem to love Islam now, still make du’a for your children’s guidance on a daily basis. Their faith will likely be tested in the teen years, and peer pressure is perhaps worse than ever because of social media.
Never be arrogant if your children are “good Muslims.” If they love Islam, and if they continue on the Straight Path, it is a blessing from Allah, not a bragging right.
Don’t condemn people silently or, even worse, backbite them verbally. We know that speaking badly about someone is like “eating the flesh of your brother,” according to the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him).
Keep in mind: we never know who might stray from the Straight Path. It could be me, or you, or any of our children. We all must work continuously to maintain and strengthen our faith. Even the Prophet (s) who was the most perfect human and the most beloved by Allah SWT, continually made the du’a: “O Turner of Hearts, keep my heart firm on your deen.” If the Prophet (s) supplicated Allah SWT to help him keep his faith strong, who are we to be complacent about our iman?!
Supplicate for any wayward child. The best thing you can do for a youngster who has stopped practicing is to make sincere du’a for them. Do it with compassion, sincerity, and humility. Know that each prayer we make for another person is answered by an angel saying, “And the same to you.” By making heartfelt du’a for another child, then, we are also protecting our own, insha’ Allah.
Continue to treat them like your brother or sister in faith. Even though they might not look or act like a “proper” Muslim right now, they still have a seed of iman in them, insha’ Allah. We do not know what lies in another person’s heart. Errant Muslims still deserve our kindness. Indeed, perhaps because of their precarious situation, they need even more of it.
Be supportive of that child’s parents. Do not treat them differently, nor presume that their child’s behavior is their fault. Remember that some of the strongest Muslims of all time had family members who did not embrace Islam. Prophet Nuh had one son who remained a disbeliever, refused to board the ark, and eventually drowned. Even Prophet Mohammad (s), whose beautiful example inspired countless individuals to accept Islam, could not convince his uncle Abu Talib to acknowledge the truth.
Guidance is in the hands of Allah SWT, and a person’s current behavior does not necessarily reflect the quality of their upbringing. Remember that there are many forces working against Muslim parents’ best intentions. Keep in mind that teen rebellion is a common – if not justified –phenomenon.
Do not assume this is the end of their story! Insha’Allah their period of disobedience, rebellion, and confusion will end, by the grace of Allah. Insha’Allah their parents’ fervent du’as will be answered, and these children will repent and turn back to the Straight Path. Perhaps today’s misguided teen will become tomorrow’s pious adult who knows exactly how to reach confused Muslim youth because she has been in their shoes. There is always hope, insha’ Allah, and a believer is always optimistic about Allah’s mercy and guidance.

May Allah SWT guide our children, forgive our shortcomings, and protect our ummah from anything that turns us away from His love and forgiveness. Ameen.

Title: “There is Greatness in Me” Paperback length: 28 pages Author: Ameenah Muhammad Price: $15.00 at Amazon

This is an interview with Sr. Ameenah Muhammad, an entrepreneur and writer. She is the author of “There is Greatness in Me,” a children’s book for ages 7-9. The interview has been slightly edited for length and clarity.

Q – Sr. Ameenah, what was your inspiration for the book?

A – Personally, I struggle with negative self-talk. I know that a lot of things we deal with as adults come from childhood insecurities. So, I wanted to empower children to have positive self-talk so that it’s repetitive and becomes deeply ingrained – “There Is greatness in me,” “If I believe it, I can achieve it,” “If I say bismillah…,” “If I fall down, I get back up.” So just to empower our little ones, our little Muslims — it’s important to empower them with this awareness and training when they’re younger so they can embrace it and have it become second nature by the time they’re older.

Q – Did you consider writing it from a broader perspective for children in general, or did you feel that it was important for Muslim children specifically?

A – Even non-Muslim parents have bought the book and they’ve said that it was inclusive in the way it addressed children’s openness to learning positive self-talk. There’s one illustration that shows “bismillah” on the wall of the girl’s bedroom; there are also two little girls wearing hijab on the book cover and an ayah [Qur’anic verse] in the back of the book. But in today’s world of diversity, the book is good for all children.

Q – Yes, when I looked at the reviews on Amazon, it looked like many people from other cultures were really appreciative of the diversity, as well as the message of positivity that it was teaching children.

A – A fun fact, Muhammad Ali – may Allah have Mercy on his soul and grant him Paradise – his eldest daughter wrote the foreword to the book.

Q – Yes, I saw that, that’s awesome! How did you hook up with her or did you know her before?

A – My father was really good friends with Muhammad Ali, so growing up we knew the family. She’s a little bit older than me but I knew how to get in contact with her and pitched her the idea of the story and asked if she would be willing to write the foreword for the book and she said, “Of course!” Alhamdulilah.

Q – So, what is the most important thing about positivity for children you would want people to know about?

A – I think that all of us have those notions where we have an idea that we want to do something and then when the going gets tough we start thinking, “Well, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.” So, it’s important to just to have fortitude and to always rely on Allah and also rely on our inner spirit to keep going. Because sometimes we can get knocked down. Sometimes we have these aspirations and start to feel a little bad about ourselves but to just keep going and know that there’s a specialness in all of us, and “if we can believe it, we can achieve it.” We just have to get started and then maintain that motivation. That’s the main message of the book — to get started. Start where you are, keep going, have faith, and always empower yourself because we may not always have people around us telling us to keep going, telling us, “You can do it!” So, we have to draw on that from within.

Q – Wow, that really impacted me because that’s exactly me. I say some of those same things, “I can’t do that because I have too much pressure from this or that.” That’s so powerful, masha’Allah, thank you for that. Do you think that self-talk is more important for Muslim children, or is it just positive self-talk for children in general?

A – Here in America our children are sometimes in an uphill battle with some of the images and messages that they are taking in on a daily basis. So, it is important for them to have that fortitude inside that “my values that are instilled inside from my family, from my masjid, from my community, may not always look like the values outside my community but I’m going to stick to them and I’m going to keep going and keep pressing and I’m not going to be intimidated because I may look different, or I believe differently.” I think that our children definitely need a little bit more confidence and conviction because a lot of times there is going to be a rift between their values and the social values surrounding them, especially when they get older. When they’re younger, everybody’s just playing and having fun. When they get older, everybody around them starts having boyfriends and girlfriends, or people are starting to do things that are contrary to what their own values are telling them to do. So, we need to have that voice that says, “This is who I am, I’m going to continue to be me and have confidence.”

Q – I guess people often have a hard time finding that confidence within and sometimes think that others have it easier than them. Do you find that?

A – If you ask them, whoever they are, they’ll say the same thing. It’s all about perspective— everybody has this idea that “the grass is always greener on the other side.” But we’re all dealing with our own things. I think it all comes down to the confidence within ourselves. Because if we don’t have confidence within ourselves, it’s easy to say, “If I was this, I’d be that…” Everybody has their stuff.

Q – I wanted to touch on social media and the effect of body image. It’s a huge concern for parents. Can you speak to that in regard to positivity?

A – I think we have these ideals of what we think our bodies should look like based on images and photoshopping and slimming down everything. You can do things to photos and images and people are like, “Oh my gosh, her skin is so beautiful!” And they fall into a habit of comparing themselves to others. For years, after maybe looking outwardly for what we think is beautiful, maybe we can start to say, “I love myself for who I am.” And then if there’s something you want to work on, put in the work and go after it. People just have to be honest. I think it comes down to honesty. If we feel good about ourselves, great. But if we don’t feel good about ourselves, then we can start to do things to change that. We can eat healthier, for example, and make any positive changes in our lives that we want. It’s about what do you want for yourself. Also, don’t beat yourself up about things, sometimes we can be too hard on ourselves.

Q – So what are some more examples of positive self-talk words that you use in your daily life or teach your children?

A – One of the things I say to myself is, “Whether the sun is shining, or the rain is falling, alhamdulilah.” I also thank Allah all the time, even for things I could be mad or sad about. But we have choices about how we look at things. If we are grateful, Allah will bless us with more. It’s the simplest thing but we seem to forget.

Tag: Muslim children

My Child Has Wandered off the Straight Path

Interview: A Children’s Book on Using Positive Self-Talk