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Tag: Couples

  • So When Are You Getting Married?

    So When Are You Getting Married?

    Ladies and Gentlemen: I am officially in the hot seat. I have reached the age where the question asked directly after “How are you?” and the mandatory “You’ve grown so big!” at the family get-togethers is almost always “So when are you getting married?” The handy excuse of “when I finish school” is starting to lose power as I grow older and that next step in my life begins to loom ever more over my head. For sure, marriage is very important in Pakistani culture and is one of the core tenets of Islam. “And We created you in pairs” (Qur’an 78:8 and other verses) has made its way into more and more of my friends Instagram bios as one by one the love bug works its way through the population of my peers. I myself have been invited to a few walimas (wedding banquets) recently and must admit these large and joyous occasions have quite the allure. Culturally, marriage is incredibly important as it is not just a union of two people, but a union of two families who are linked through love and commitment.

    While there are significant familial and cultural emphases placed on marriage, the significance of marriage is perhaps most highly emphasized in Islam. Marriage holds great significance Islamically, encompassing individual, familial, societal, and spiritual dimensions. It is regarded as a sacred bond that promotes companionship, love, and the establishment of a harmonious family structure. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) emphasized the importance of marriage, stating, “When a man marries, he has completed half of his religion, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half” (al-Bayhaqi). The profound spiritual aspect of marriage in Islam is highlighted in this hadith as marriage is explained to be half of one’s deen (religion). A couples’ union in marriage is also seen as a catalyst for personal and spiritual growth for both partners in the marriage. Each partner is to challenge and inspire their significant other to grow and become not just a better person, but a better Muslim as well. With all its importance personally, culturally, and religiously, marriage is never said to be easy. In fact, every member of my family that I spoke with, while conveying that the nature of a marriage is a wonderful union between two unique individuals, they never understated the challenges and complexity of the marriage relationship. Marriage is a journey that one embarks on with another soul, with all the difficulty and joy that comes along with that.

    Communication Is Key

    At its core, a relationship is a team effort. Two people are coming together with a common goal, and as with any project in school or in the workplace, communication is key. It’s important to have honest and comprehensive discussions with a potential partner before getting married. When working on a group project, outlining who works on what and what is expected from each group member prior to starting the work makes sure everyone is aware of what is expected from them and what their responsibilities are. It is the same with marriage. Having an honest conversation with your potential partner about compatibility in all its aspects, about expectations and boundaries, and about rights and responsibilities of each partner is crucial to a successful relationship. Open and honest communication regarding personal boundaries can help set expectations and create a foundation of trust and mutual respect, fundamental to a healthy relationship. Discussing boundaries gives each partner the space to openly express their needs, preferences, and limits, ensuring that each partner is aware of the other’s comfort zones. These boundaries can include things such as in-laws and family (frequency of visits, involving them in marital disputes, etc.); needing personal space/time for independent interests and goals; emotional and communication expectations like no name-calling, blaming, or stonewalling; what child-rearing styles will be used; whether money will be spent on an expensive house, cars, vacations, etc.

    Articulating expectations and setting boundaries allows couples to avoid or at least minimize potential conflicts and lessen misunderstandings. It provides a framework for resolving disagreements and promotes healthy compromise. It also helps establish a sense of respect and consideration for each other’s feelings and desires. It promotes consent and respect, creating a safe and secure environment for both partners. In his article “3 Steps To Safely Prepare For Your Halal Marriage – As Simple As ABC,” author Tafazel Mohammed speaks about the importance of boundaries. He recounts many a time he’s come across couples in his career who did not engage in a conversation regarding boundaries prior to furthering their relationship and were worse off because of it.

    Even in the Heat of the Moment

    Marriage is the union of two unique individuals and differences can cause arguments when we don’t have the presence of mind to practice sabr and to maintain adaab even in the heat of the moment. A healthy relationship is not one that avoids disagreements or arguments; a healthy relationship is one where the partners involved strive to stay self-aware and responsible in a God-conscious way with words and actions during a conflict. And they come together after an argument or disagreement in a constructive manner. In Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy (IBCT), a therapy modality developed by Andrew Christensen and Neil Jacobson, the importance of clear communication and constructive resolution are highlighted. When using this therapy modality as a lens to view relationships, the importance of acknowledging and embracing the differences between the individuals in a marriage is shown to be an important aspect to fostering strength in the relationship. The importance of stepping outside of the “heat of the moment” when having a disagreement and communicating clearly to ensure each partner can get their point across is very important.

    This of course is much easier to do when both spouses avoid blaming language and use “I statements” rather than “you statements.” An example is “I feel unappreciated when you don’t clean up after yourself”, works much better than “You’re so messy, you never clean up after yourself.” By avoiding blaming language, couples can engage in productive conversations that foster empathy, promote problem-solving, and strengthen their bond. It encourages a more positive and constructive approach to resolving conflicts and addressing issues, ultimately leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Ali (r) said about the Prophet (s) “…three things he stayed away from with regard to others — he did not find fault, lay blame, or seek to expose anyone’s weak points” (al-Tirmidhi, Shama’il). People are a lot more receptive to information when the intention comes across as wanting to share one’s viewpoint and find mutual understanding rather than wanting to blame. We can learn from the Prophet’s example when conversing with others, especially our significant others.

    Couples Counseling

    Seeking out pre-marital coaching/counseling with a licensed counselor, prior to marrying can help provide perspective about the joys and challenges of marriage, awareness of Islamic rights and responsibilities, and hands-on knowledge of various relationship skills — all before entering a relationship. The benefit of a culturally competent Muslim counselor is a greater understanding of religious and cultural nuance regarding marriage. There is also couples counseling once a couple is married. When a couple has gone through all their options attempting to resolve a troublesome issue or conflict without progress, couples counseling is an option always on the table. Involving an objective third-party can help provide perspective and insight on an issue and on the dynamics at play. Couples counseling offers a structured and safe environment for discussing issues and challenges. A skilled therapist can facilitate healthy dialogue between partners, ensuring that both partners are heard and understood. They can help identify underlying issues, patterns of behavior, and unhealthy dynamics that may contribute to the conflict. Furthermore, couples counseling provides couples with valuable tools and strategies to improve their communication and conflict resolution skills. Therapists can teach techniques for active listening, cultivating empathy and compassion, and effective problem-solving, enabling couples to navigate their future challenges more effectively. Learning these skills and improving one’s relationship with their significant other is an important part of a healthy marriage, it’s part of growth, both individually and as a couple, and it is enlarging one’s resources to successfully navigate the journey that constitutes half of one’s deen.

    A Great Bounty from Allah

    Marriage can at times be tough. Spending your life with another individual can certainly have its growing pains, but there are ways to make it easier. Engaging in a healthy conversation prior to jumping in headfirst can help partners understand each other’s expectations and boundaries and what is needed from each other to make the relationship a success. Understanding that a relationship is fundamentally a team effort where both partners are working towards the same goal can help them approach the differences in their relationship and in each other with an open mind and a constructive attitude. Finally, remembering that there are options out there when things are not going how you would have hoped can give you the breathing room to approach challenges in your relationship and grow as partners. Pre-marital coaching/counseling and couples counseling can provide the opportunity to step outside of an emotional moment and learn important skills to help resolve current issues but also to improve the relationship’s future. Marriage is an important part of our communities, our lives, and our religion. Approaching it with the proper respect and enthusiasm helps us to remember the great bounty that Allah has provided us.

    “And among His Signs is this— that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between you. Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect” (Qur’an 30:21).

  • BANK ON IT: Thrifty Couples Are the Happiest

    Over the course of the last two decades, Americans — especially younger adults — went on a credit card-enabled binge, accumulating billions in consumer debt. For example, in January 1988, American consumers had nearly $170 billion in revolving debt. By December 2008, U.S. consumers had amassed a staggering $988 billion in revolving debt – just short of $1 trillion. The financial consequences of this massive increase in consumer debt have been readily apparent in the nation’s recent recession. But new research on marriage and money — which has focused on the influence that debt, assets, spending patterns, and materialism have on marriages — suggests that our recent spending spree has also been important for the quality and stability of marriages in the United States.

    This research indicates that consumer debt (e.g., credit card debt) plays a powerful role in eroding the quality of married life. Consumer debt fuels a sense of financial unease among couples, and increases the likelihood that they will fight over money matters; moreover, this financial unease casts a pall over marriages in general, raising the likelihood that couples will argue over issues other than money and decreasing the time they spend with one another. For instance, newlywed couples who take on substantial consumer debt become less happy in their marriages over time. By contrast, newlywed couples who paid off any consumer debt they brought into their marriage or acquired early in their marriage had lower declines in their marital quality over time.

    Consumer debt is also an equal-opportunity marriage destroyer. It does not matter if couples are rich or poor, working class or middle class. If they accrue substantial debt, it puts a strain on their marriage. Assets, on the other hand, sweeten and solidify the ties between spouses. Assets minimize any sense of financial unease that couples feel, with the result that they experience less conflict.
    Assets also decrease the likelihood of divorce. Interestingly, the protective power of assets only works for wives, and for two reasons. First, wives with more marital assets are happier in their marriages and, as a consequence, are less likely to seek a divorce. Second, assets make wives more reluctant to pursue a divorce because they realize that their standard of living would fall markedly after a divorce. For example, couples with no assets at the beginning of a 36 month period were 70 percent more likely to divorce than couples with $10,000 in assets.

    Perceptions of how well one’s spouse handles money also play a role in shaping the quality and stability of family life in the U.S. When individuals feel that their spouse does not handle money well, they report lower levels of marital happiness. They are also more likely to head for divorce court. In fact, in one study, feeling that one’s spouse spent money foolishly increased the likelihood of divorce 45 percent for both men and women. Only extramarital affairs and alcohol/drug abuse were stronger predictors of divorce.
    Materialistic spouses are also more likely to suffer from marital problems. Some spouses base much of their happiness and self-worth on the material possessions they accumulate. This materialistic orientation has implications for their marriages. Materialistic individuals report more financial problems in their marriage and more marital conflict, whether they are rich, poor, or middle-class. For these husbands and wives, it would seem that they never have enough money.

    More generally, conflict over money matters is one of the most important problems in contemporary married life. Compared with disagreements over other topics, financial disagreements last longer, are more salient to couples, and generate more negative conflict tactics, such as yelling or hitting, especially among husbands. Perhaps because they are socialized to be providers, men seem to take financial conflict particularly hard. Not surprisingly, new research that I have done indicates that conflict over money matters predicts divorce better than other types of disagreement.

    For example, for husbands, financial disagreements were the only type of common disagreement that predicted whether they would divorce. For wives, both financial and sexual disagreements predicted divorce, but financial disagreements were a much better predictor. Couples who reported disagreeing about finances once a week were over 30 percent more likely to divorce over time than couples who reported disagreeing about finances a few times per month.

    Clearly, money matters play a crucial role in shaping the quality and stability of married life in the U.S. Moreover, married couples don’t have to be facing poverty or a job loss for financial issues to impact their marriage. Rather, decisions like whether to make a major purchase using consumer credit or how much of a paycheck to put into savings can have substantial consequences for the short-term and long-term health of a marriage. In particular, couples who are wise enough to steer clear of materialism and consumer debt are much more likely to enjoy connubial bliss.

    Accordingly, insofar as the current recession has encouraged Americans to shed consumer debt and acquire assets, it may be fostering an ethic of thrift that is redounding to the benefit of married couples. That is, couples who have turned away from spending money they do not have and towards saving money around which they can build a shared future together appear well-positioned to enjoy more than a healthy bank account.