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Tag: conflict resolution

  • Conflict Resolution — A Foundation

    Conflict Resolution — A Foundation

    A husband and a wife bring to the marriage different backgrounds, experiences, expectations, and views on life. This is true of Muslim couples as well, despite having a shared belief system. So, conflict is inevitable at times as they interact with each other every day and make decisions regarding their individual lives, their relationship, and their home and family. Marital satisfaction and success can be measured in part by assessing the couple’s ability to handle the common stresses of everyday life and the occurrence of conflicts. Learning healthy conflict resolution techniques is an integral part of acquiring the competency needed for a successful marriage.

    Consider the following counseling story (names and details have been changed for privacy): Hanem came from a family in which conflict was avoided at any cost. Asim, on the other hand, came from a family competent in dealing with conflict, and able to discuss until they reached a resolution. Soon after Hanem and Asim married, some differences started to surface and Asim wanted to deal with the issues, but Hanem tried all possible means to avoid confrontation and even did not want to engage in any discussion. This became an ongoing challenge, and resentments began to accumulate on both sides. Asim could not understand why Hanem was always tense and withdrawing whenever they differed in their views. To Hanem, based on her family experience while growing up, conflict meant trouble.

    Through discussion in counseling, however, she came to understand that conflict does not need to lead to unhappiness, abuse, or disaster. She gradually understood that conflict can even be healthy and an opportunity for individual and relationship growth. Hanem and Asim learned how to communicate more effectively, to avoid conflict most of the time, and when needed, to engage in conflict resolution until both felt satisfied that the best resolution had been reached. They felt that they were actively building a stronger foundation for a healthy and happy marriage.

     A Vehicle for Positive Change

    Conflicts that are not addressed can easily transform into anger and resentment that build up in spouses’ hearts. Slowly, these feelings eat away at the quality and stability of the marriage and the couple’s love and respect for each other. Conversely, mastering conflict resolution techniques means you no longer run away from conflict or isolate yourself from your loved one. Rather you see conflict as a chance for a deepening interest in the relationship, a vehicle for positive change, and an antidote to a static or deteriorating relationship.

    It is beneficial to agree to some basic principles as a foundation for conflict resolution for Muslims. Preparing for conflict can save time and energy. It can also save a marriage from unhappiness and disintegration. Following are some guidelines that spouses can agree upon as a foundation:

    1. Agree, before conflicts arise, that the Qur’an and authentic hadeeth are the guide and criteria for judgment. This ensures that the management of the conflict and whatever resolution arrived at will be independent from whim or self-interest on the part of either spouse. Setting the Qur’an and sunnah as the objective criteria by which agreements will be reached is an assurance that the conflict will not turn into a battle of wills or egos. In this way the agreement will be fair and principled. This not only makes sense, but it is also a religious obligation: “…if you differ about anything among yourselves, refer it to Allah and the Messenger, if you do believe in Allah and the Last Day; this is best and most suitable for final determination” (Qur’an 4:59). One word of caution, however, is to not misuse or misinterpret a Qur’anic verse or hadeeth in favor of one’s own position or desires.

      2. .

    2. There are many issues that are not directly associated with a particular verse or hadeeth. In that case, the Qur’an and sunnah still act as criteria for engaging in conflict resolution. That means that throughout the process of trying to resolve the issue, each spouse should act and speak according to the many facets of noble character enjoined by Islam. These include commitment to love and mercy, mutual respect, forgiveness, patience, and honesty

      3. .

    3. When a husband or wife is unhappy with some issue, he/she should explore what is really bothering them and write down their thoughts. For example, if arguments take place over clutter in the house, it might be that it is not only the clutter that is so bothersome, but also “an attitude of indifference” about the spouse’s feelings. Writing down how the problem is affecting one’s well-being and the relationship is very helpful. By articulating and organizing the thoughts and feelings on paper, some surprising insights can come to light that can be brought to the table when discussing the issue with the spouse.

      4. .

    4. It is important to approach the conflict with a positive attitude and trust that both of you care about each other and about your relationship. A good first step in building this trust is to pledge and personally commit to a mutual trust in each other’s sincerity and willingness to be honest about the issues causing conflict. This pledge can and should be expressed regularly as an ongoing commitment.

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    5. Always put things in a larger perspective. A conflict can be a healthy avenue for anger and frustration to come out and be discussed and resolved. However, arguing often or about every little thing, or impulsive disagreeing on the part of one or both spouses is not a healthy way to live. According to Dr. Taha Jabir al Alwani, “Disagreements may be prompted by egoistical desires to get personal, psychological satisfaction or to achieve certain personal objectives. It may be impelled by the desire to show off one’s knowledge and understanding or cleverness. To cause this type of disagreement is totally blameworthy, in that egoism or selfish desire suppress all concern for truth and does not promote goodness.”
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      Therefore, as a rule of thumb, both spouses should cultivate greater tolerance and forgiveness for the small and simple annoyances that are normal in every relationship. Pursue only significant issues. Always try to see the issue in a larger perspective and remember that disagreements that come from or reinforce ego desires only bring about discord and should be avoided. The Prophet (s) said: “Do not engage in disagreement thereby causing discord among your hearts” (Saheeh Muslim).

      6. .

    6. Involve a mediator when needed. When spouses feel that the that they unable to resolve the conflict on their own, especially when they have been repeatedly discussing it without any apparent resolution or when one of the spouses persistently will not follow the Islamic guiding principles, a mediator is appropriate. The mediator should be someone both spouses trust and agree to. It should be someone who will be impartial and wise enough to help them navigate their conflict and put things into perspective. This person could be a trusted friend of sound judgment, a family member, an imam, or a family counselor. If the conflict is not severe, it can be better to not involve family members for two main reasons: first, it is difficult for many individuals to be impartial when it comes to loved ones; and second, it is sometimes hard for family members to forgive the other spouse, even after the couple has reconciled and has forgotten about the conflict. However, a mediator from each spouse’s family is warranted in conflicts that are major, intense, and may potentially lead to divorce.
    Neither Avoiding Conflict nor Habitually Creating It Is Healthy

    Avoiding conflict or, on the other hand, habitually creating conflict, can lead spouses to slowly isolate themselves from each other. Avoiding conflict causes resentments and anger to build up and turn into time bombs waiting to explode. Creating unnecessary conflict leads one’s spouse to calculate every word spoken out of fear of upsetting the temperamental one. This also is disastrous as the relationship no longer is based on both spouses feeling safe and comfortable emotionally. Feeling reluctant to voice true thoughts and feelings is a wedge that blocks the meeting of minds and hearts and the mutual surrendering of souls. Neither avoiding conflict nor habitually creating it is healthy. Allowing for inevitable conflicts is healthy as long as both spouses agree to resolve the conflict in a mutually satisfying manner, according to Islamic principles.

    Whether a couple is engaging in conflict resolution on their own or using a mediator, both spouses should keep in mind the following hadeeth of the Prophet (s). It conveys just how important it is to keep ego and selfish desires out of the way when endeavoring to resolve a conflict, and to focus solely on a fair and equitable resolution — “I am only a human being, and you bring your disputes to me. Perhaps some of you are more eloquent in their plea than others and I judge in their favor according to what I hear from them. So, whatever I rule in anyone’s favor which belongs to his brother [or sister], he should not take any of it, because I have only granted him a piece of Hell” (Saheeh al-Bukhari).

  • Conflict Resolution for Volunteers

    Conflict Resolution for Volunteers

    Picture this: The stage is set, the walls are decorated, the doors are open,and the last minute preparations are wrapping up. The table settings and centerpieces are placed to perfection. The banquet hall looks like a scene from a fairy-tale wedding. The guests for the fundraiser, conference, or program are beginning to arrive. As they trickle in one by one, stopping by registration and then taking their seats, they comment on how beautiful the hall looks and eagerly await the program to begin. Little do they know that behind the polished smiles and the perfect-looking venue are a multitude of exhausted volunteers.From endless nights of planning and preparation, to phone calls, emails, and meetings, the amount of volunteer effort that goes into planning an event, fundraiser, program, or conference is often unappreciated.
    In the excitement of event planning, volunteers may experience a myriad of emotions and scenarios. The program planning often begins with unfettered enthusiasm and gusto, yet somewhere along the line, that same enthusiasm can wane and turn into disgruntled irritation as things may not go as smoothly as planned. Throw in a few headstrong individuals with Type A personalities and “my way or the highway” leadership styles and you have the perfect recipe for disastrous conflict simmering just beneath the surface of what appears to be an expertly executed event.
    Enter Conflict Resolution 101,a critical component of any volunteer work that is often overlooked because of the belief that there can be no problems when all volunteers are working for the sake of Allah SWT. Although volunteers may be dedicating their time and their commitment to a cause for the sake of Allah, the human factor undoubtedly comes into play and elements of ego, frustration, and resentment sometimes get in the way of charitable work, causing unnecessary conflict and rifts between volunteers.
    The Prophet said “Never has a nation gone astray, after having been guided, except that they were prone to excessive argumentation” (Al-Tirmidhi). Today, we see much too frequent argumentation taking place among the people of our ummah. While conflict is a normal and an expected part of communication at times, mismanagement of conflict is what leads to irreparable damage. It can be very disheartening to see people dedicating their time for a good cause and then deciding not to volunteer any more because of their negative experiences with others. There are, however, straightforward steps we can take whenever conflicts do arise so that we prevent escalation of any disagreement, laying a foundation for resolution.

    Remember that your volunteer efforts are not about aggrandizing your ego, but about serving Allah SWT through serving the people

    Understand the Problem: Too often we are overly anxious to avoid conflict or resolve any disagreement without fully understanding the problem. Avoid making assumptions and instead try to seek mutual understanding and then look for common ground and resolution of the conflict.
    Control Your Anger: The anger that often results from misunderstanding can be like venom to the heart. While the emotion of anger exists within all of us, how we react to situations or people that make us angry can determine the outcome of a situation. The one who can control his or her anger in the face of disagreement is the one who will be able to make a rational assessment without endangering their good intentions. The Prophet (peace be upon him) advised us to avoid anger, and if it does arise within us, to control it. A man said to the Prophet, “Advise me! The Prophet said, “Do not become angry and enraged.” The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet said in each case, “Do not become angry and enraged” (Bukhari). And at another time, he (pbuh) said, “The strong-man is not one who wrestles well but the strong man is one who controls himself when he is in a fit of rage” (Muslim).

    Listen Intently: The Prophet (pbuh) made everyone he spoke to feel like he or she was the most important person because he would give his full attention and respond only after listening with patience and genuine caring. Today, listening seems to be a lost art. People in conflict are so eager to prove their point, they may not take the time to hear the other person out. Turn to whoever you are having a disagreement with and look that person in the eyes and show that you are receptive to hearing their complaint or issue. After listening attentively, repeat what you understand to be the person’s position and ask him or her if you correctly understood what was bothering them. This will minimize misunderstandings and will allow you to really listen before responding. It will also allow you a moment to cool down before reacting.
    Be Tolerant, Patient, and Forgiving: Many conflicts can be avoided if we practice tolerance, patience, and forgiveness. Yet, some conflicts inevitably do occur and coming to some mutually satisfactory resolution also requires those same character traits. Otherwise egos will hold sway and those who are engaged in a disagreement will each make concerted effort to prove that that they are right and the other(s) wrong. Always assume the best about your co-volunteers and others you engage with while working on any project. Also, be sure to monitor your nonverbal reactions when caught in a moment of conflict. Rolling your eyes or smirking will not resolve anything. A sarcastic or condescending tone of voice harms communication and does not help to bring about resolution.
    Think Before You Speak: Our tongues can often spew out the worst type of poison. Rather than jumping to use bad language or raise our voices when we are locked in a disagreement with other volunteers, we must step back and think before we speak. Words do hurt and they can’t be erased once they are uttered. Don’t let your scale of good deeds diminish because of backbiting, cursing, shouting, or other bad habits of the tongue.
    Minimize Stress Levels Whenever Possible: Working with others on a tight deadline can be stressful. Don’t take your stress out on each other. Schedule breaks and time to reconnect with the reason why you are volunteering in the first place. Try to counter stressful situations and moments when volunteering with a shift in perspective that minimizes stress. This can include looking at the big picture, that you are striving to accomplish something for the sake of Allah SWT and that the small personal matters are usually not so important. The frustrations and annoyances will soon be a thing of the past. Also you can remind yourself as often as necessary that the team experience is a wonderful opportunity to practice positive Islamic traits such as patience, adaptability, flexibility, perseverance, and fair-mindedness. Do not delay your prayers because you get too caught up in the excitement and activity.In fact, performing the prayer is a wonderful respite from the work and brings renewed energy and refreshed motivation.
    Monitor Yourself in Order to Stay Humble: A domineering or “my way or the highway” type of attitude collapses cooperation and motivation in any team effort. Since it takes more than one person to effect change or make an event happen, do not allow the volunteer activity to become about one person seeking fame or recognition. Keep renewing your intention as to why you are volunteering and repeat istighfar(seeking forgiveness from Allah)when ego and arrogance get in the way of getting the work done in a cooperative and mutually respectful manner—especially if it is your ego and your arrogance that are holding things up.
    In the end, remind yourself and others why you have decided to give of your time and effort in the first place. Remember that your volunteer efforts are not about aggrandizing your ego, but about serving Allah SWT through serving the people. Make sincere dua that Allah bless your efforts and place great barakah (blessing) in your initiative. Start with bismillah (in the name of Allah) and end with alhamdullilah (all praise is due to Allah). Insha’Allah,with good intentions and hard work,you will reap the rewards of volunteering, both in the dunya (world) and the akhirah (hereafter). May Allah SWT bless the efforts of all the volunteers who work solely for His sake.