A husband and a wife bring to the marriage different backgrounds, experiences, expectations, and views on life. This is true of Muslim couples as well, despite having a shared belief system. So, conflict is inevitable at times as they interact with each other every day and make decisions regarding their individual lives, their relationship, and their home and family. Marital satisfaction and success can be measured in part by assessing the couple’s ability to handle the common stresses of everyday life and the occurrence of conflicts. Learning healthy conflict resolution techniques is an integral part of acquiring the competency needed for a successful marriage.
Consider the following counseling story (names and details have been changed for privacy): Hanem came from a family in which conflict was avoided at any cost. Asim, on the other hand, came from a family competent in dealing with conflict, and able to discuss until they reached a resolution. Soon after Hanem and Asim married, some differences started to surface and Asim wanted to deal with the issues, but Hanem tried all possible means to avoid confrontation and even did not want to engage in any discussion. This became an ongoing challenge, and resentments began to accumulate on both sides. Asim could not understand why Hanem was always tense and withdrawing whenever they differed in their views. To Hanem, based on her family experience while growing up, conflict meant trouble.
Through discussion in counseling, however, she came to understand that conflict does not need to lead to unhappiness, abuse, or disaster. She gradually understood that conflict can even be healthy and an opportunity for individual and relationship growth. Hanem and Asim learned how to communicate more effectively, to avoid conflict most of the time, and when needed, to engage in conflict resolution until both felt satisfied that the best resolution had been reached. They felt that they were actively building a stronger foundation for a healthy and happy marriage.
A Vehicle for Positive Change
Conflicts that are not addressed can easily transform into anger and resentment that build up in spouses’ hearts. Slowly, these feelings eat away at the quality and stability of the marriage and the couple’s love and respect for each other. Conversely, mastering conflict resolution techniques means you no longer run away from conflict or isolate yourself from your loved one. Rather you see conflict as a chance for a deepening interest in the relationship, a vehicle for positive change, and an antidote to a static or deteriorating relationship.
It is beneficial to agree to some basic principles as a foundation for conflict resolution for Muslims. Preparing for conflict can save time and energy. It can also save a marriage from unhappiness and disintegration. Following are some guidelines that spouses can agree upon as a foundation:
- Agree, before conflicts arise, that the Qur’an and authentic hadeeth are the guide and criteria for judgment. This ensures that the management of the conflict and whatever resolution arrived at will be independent from whim or self-interest on the part of either spouse. Setting the Qur’an and sunnah as the objective criteria by which agreements will be reached is an assurance that the conflict will not turn into a battle of wills or egos. In this way the agreement will be fair and principled. This not only makes sense, but it is also a religious obligation: “…if you differ about anything among yourselves, refer it to Allah and the Messenger, if you do believe in Allah and the Last Day; this is best and most suitable for final determination” (Qur’an 4:59). One word of caution, however, is to not misuse or misinterpret a Qur’anic verse or hadeeth in favor of one’s own position or desires.
- There are many issues that are not directly associated with a particular verse or hadeeth. In that case, the Qur’an and sunnah still act as criteria for engaging in conflict resolution. That means that throughout the process of trying to resolve the issue, each spouse should act and speak according to the many facets of noble character enjoined by Islam. These include commitment to love and mercy, mutual respect, forgiveness, patience, and honesty
- When a husband or wife is unhappy with some issue, he/she should explore what is really bothering them and write down their thoughts. For example, if arguments take place over clutter in the house, it might be that it is not only the clutter that is so bothersome, but also “an attitude of indifference” about the spouse’s feelings. Writing down how the problem is affecting one’s well-being and the relationship is very helpful. By articulating and organizing the thoughts and feelings on paper, some surprising insights can come to light that can be brought to the table when discussing the issue with the spouse.
- It is important to approach the conflict with a positive attitude and trust that both of you care about each other and about your relationship. A good first step in building this trust is to pledge and personally commit to a mutual trust in each other’s sincerity and willingness to be honest about the issues causing conflict. This pledge can and should be expressed regularly as an ongoing commitment.
- Always put things in a larger perspective. A conflict can be a healthy avenue for anger and frustration to come out and be discussed and resolved. However, arguing often or about every little thing, or impulsive disagreeing on the part of one or both spouses is not a healthy way to live. According to Dr. Taha Jabir al Alwani, “Disagreements may be prompted by egoistical desires to get personal, psychological satisfaction or to achieve certain personal objectives. It may be impelled by the desire to show off one’s knowledge and understanding or cleverness. To cause this type of disagreement is totally blameworthy, in that egoism or selfish desire suppress all concern for truth and does not promote goodness.”
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Therefore, as a rule of thumb, both spouses should cultivate greater tolerance and forgiveness for the small and simple annoyances that are normal in every relationship. Pursue only significant issues. Always try to see the issue in a larger perspective and remember that disagreements that come from or reinforce ego desires only bring about discord and should be avoided. The Prophet (s) said: “Do not engage in disagreement thereby causing discord among your hearts” (Saheeh Muslim). - Involve a mediator when needed. When spouses feel that the that they unable to resolve the conflict on their own, especially when they have been repeatedly discussing it without any apparent resolution or when one of the spouses persistently will not follow the Islamic guiding principles, a mediator is appropriate. The mediator should be someone both spouses trust and agree to. It should be someone who will be impartial and wise enough to help them navigate their conflict and put things into perspective. This person could be a trusted friend of sound judgment, a family member, an imam, or a family counselor. If the conflict is not severe, it can be better to not involve family members for two main reasons: first, it is difficult for many individuals to be impartial when it comes to loved ones; and second, it is sometimes hard for family members to forgive the other spouse, even after the couple has reconciled and has forgotten about the conflict. However, a mediator from each spouse’s family is warranted in conflicts that are major, intense, and may potentially lead to divorce.
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Neither Avoiding Conflict nor Habitually Creating It Is Healthy
Avoiding conflict or, on the other hand, habitually creating conflict, can lead spouses to slowly isolate themselves from each other. Avoiding conflict causes resentments and anger to build up and turn into time bombs waiting to explode. Creating unnecessary conflict leads one’s spouse to calculate every word spoken out of fear of upsetting the temperamental one. This also is disastrous as the relationship no longer is based on both spouses feeling safe and comfortable emotionally. Feeling reluctant to voice true thoughts and feelings is a wedge that blocks the meeting of minds and hearts and the mutual surrendering of souls. Neither avoiding conflict nor habitually creating it is healthy. Allowing for inevitable conflicts is healthy as long as both spouses agree to resolve the conflict in a mutually satisfying manner, according to Islamic principles.
Whether a couple is engaging in conflict resolution on their own or using a mediator, both spouses should keep in mind the following hadeeth of the Prophet (s). It conveys just how important it is to keep ego and selfish desires out of the way when endeavoring to resolve a conflict, and to focus solely on a fair and equitable resolution — “I am only a human being, and you bring your disputes to me. Perhaps some of you are more eloquent in their plea than others and I judge in their favor according to what I hear from them. So, whatever I rule in anyone’s favor which belongs to his brother [or sister], he should not take any of it, because I have only granted him a piece of Hell” (Saheeh al-Bukhari).
