بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

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Aug 26 The Gaza Memorial We Owe Our Children Jun 24 Transforming Your Reality Jun 17 A History of Muslim Americans’ Political Engagement Jun 17 My Brother is Gay: Navigating the Intersection of Religion and Family An interview with Imam Wesley Lebron Jun 10 Islam and the Romans: Early Muslim-Byzantine Interaction May 20 Reclaiming the Sunnah of Adoption and Foster Care: An Interview with Basmah Salam Apr 29 National Poetry Month: An Ode to Faith, Visibility, and the Conversations We Don’t Forget Apr 15 Beyond Ramadan: Taking Its Lessons Farther 

Author: Dr. Suzy Ismail

  • Mercy for a Suffering World: The Islamic Model

    Mercy for a Suffering World: The Islamic Model

    In the Islamic faith, there is one phrase that is recited more frequently than any other. It begins every chapter of the Quran except for one. It is the opening for every prayer and the invocation that begins each action — whether it is eating and drinking, facing the most difficult of challenges, or starting the most mundane and routine of tasks. This phrase is “bismillah ir-Rahman ir-Raheem,” a few short but powerful words so often recited habitually, routinely, and ritually, but, nonetheless, a phrase that conveys one of the most beautiful expressions of faith: in the name of Allah, the Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate.

    The mercy of Allah (SWT) is captured in this awe-inspiring phrase with which we are commanded to begin so many actions in our lives. The reminder that our Lord is the most Merciful and the one who is truly filled with compassion is meant to be on our minds, on our tongues, and always in our hearts. The question plagues us as to why something difficult must befall us or another human being, when we are in the midst of suffering or see the suffering of others. The most critical pivot in those moments is to return to the words of Allah (SWT) and the reminder that is not meant to be far from our thoughts. For in the recognition of a most Merciful and Compassionate God exists the answers that we are so often seeking. Encompassed within His rahmah (mercy) is an implicit promise that whatever befalls us in this dunya, it is meant to be, and is, a blessing for us, even as we experience the test. As the one who has created us, we understand that He is closer to us than a mother is to her child. We are reminded in an authentic Sahih Muslim hadith that “Verily, Allah has one hundred portions of mercy. From one portion, the creation has been given mercy between themselves, and ninety-nine portions are reserved for the Day of Resurrection.”

    The Mercy of Allah (SWT) Is So Much Greater

    Imagine knowing that here on earth, the acts of kindness and mercy we see and engage in, such as feeding the hungry, caring for the sick, donating to charities, taking care of our families, and so much more, are just a tiny portion of Allah’s mercy towards His creation. In the beautiful narration of a situation witnessed by Aisha (RA), we see the mercy of a mother to her children and are in amazement of the fact that the mercy of Allah (SWT) is so much greater than that. “A woman entered, upon Aisha, with her two daughters, and she [Aisha] gave her three dates. [The woman] gave each of her daughters a date, then she split the last one between them. She [Aisha] said, ‘Then the Prophet (pbuh) came and I told him about that.’ He said,’ Why are you surprised? She will enter Paradise because of that.’” Although the mother herself was hungry, knowing that her daughters were also hungry, she willingly gave them the dates in an act of caring and compassion. We see glimpses of such mercy in humanity on a regular basis.

    The infinitely greater mercy of Allah (SWT) can be understood in the examples of His rahmah in forgiving our sins and in rewarding us for our repentance. We are reminded of the beautiful verse in the Quran which commands us to never despair of the mercy of Allah: “Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful’” (39:53). When we give in to despair, it becomes easy to fall into a depression that questions the mercy of our Creator. If we find ourselves in this dark place, then it becomes very difficult to hold onto the hope of relief through repentance and forgiveness, and we may turn away from Allah. Yet, it is He who is Most Merciful and Most Compassionate, and in the darkest hour, we need the connection with our Creator the most.

    The Man Who Killed 100

    There is a hadith that beautifully illustrates the immeasurable mercy of Allah (SWT). Abu Said Al-Khudri (RA) reported that the Prophet said, “There was a man from among a nation before you who killed ninety-nine people and then made an inquiry about the most learned person on the earth. He was directed to a monk. He came to him and told him that he had killed ninety-nine people and asked him if there was any chance for his repentance to be accepted. He [the monk] replied in the negative and the man killed him also, completing one hundred. He then asked about the most learned man in the earth. He was directed to a scholar. He told him that he had killed one hundred people and asked him if there was any chance for his repentance to be accepted. He [the scholar] replied in the affirmative and asked, `Who stands between you and repentance? Go to such and such land; there are people devoted to prayer and worship of Allah; join them in worship, and do not come back to your land because it is an evil place.’

    So, he went away and hardly had he covered half the distance when death overtook him, and there was a dispute between the angels of mercy and the angels of torment. The angels of mercy pleaded, ‘This man has come with a repenting heart to Allah,’ and the angels of punishment argued, ‘He never did a virtuous deed in his life.’ Then there appeared another angel in the form of a human being and the contending angels agreed to make him arbiter between them. He said, `Measure the distance between the two lands. He will be considered belonging to the land to which he is nearer.’ They measured and found him closer to the land [of piety] where he intended to go, and so the angels of mercy collected his soul” (Bukhari and Muslim). It is purely from the mercy of Allah (SWT) that his intention to do good was known and that the weight of that intention, by the measure of Allah’s compassion, carried him away from his past wrongdoings and towards mercy and forgiveness.

    In fact, rahmah comes from the same root in Arabic as rahm (womb). In a hadith qudsi, Allah SWT says, “I am al-Raḥman and created the rahm – and I named it after Me” (Ahmad). We know that the bond of the mother to her child is profound, and the love, kindness, and compassion she feels is sublime and awe-inspiring. Yet, the merciful Lord cares for those He has created more than a mother cares for her child, His rahmah so great and all-encompassing that it cannot be conceived fully by the human mind or experience.

    Prophet Muhammad: A Mercy to the Worlds

    The story of the first humans created, Adam and Eve, is also a story of repentance and rahmah and lays the foundation for our understanding of what it means to seek forgiveness and to always maintain our hope that despite our frailties and wrongdoings, that when we sincerely repent, Allah (SWT) will forgive us. The story of Adam and Eve is a lesson about repentance and forgiveness, and the centrality of rahmah in the design of life by Allah SWT. Extending that theme, the world was also sent Muhammad (pbuh) as a mercy for all mankind. We are reminded of this in the Quran: “Indeed, in this [Quran] is message for a worshiping people. And We have not sent you, [O Muhammad], except as a mercy to the worlds” (21:106-107).

    The mercy of the Prophet (pbuh) is evident in his actions with both those closest to him in his own family and those who were harshest with him from among the disbelievers. From being pelted with garbage and harassed in the streets, to being constantly cursed and belittled by the leaders of Quraysh, the Prophet (pbuh) never swayed from his mission to worship Allah (SWT) and to spread the message of Islam with mercy and compassion. There are many hadiths that document the demonstration of love, kindness, and mercy in the actions of the Prophet (pbuh). In Sunan Ibn Majah, Aisha (RA) narrated, “Some Bedouin people came to the Prophet (pbuh) and said, ‘Do you kiss your children?’ He said, ‘Yes’. They said, ‘But we, by Allah, never kiss [our children]’. The Prophet (pbuh) said, ‘What can I do if Allah has taken away mercy from you?’”

    Being merciful for the sake of Allah (SWT) includes actions that show genuine caring about the well-being of others. In a hadith, we are told the Prophet said, “…removing a harmful thing from the path is a charitable act” (Bukhari and Muslim). Such a simple act, removing a harmful item from the path of another, is a beneficial act of mercy for all, not in any way self-serving. In many situations where others may have reacted harshly, we again see the Prophet (pbuh) exhibiting the utmost rahmah. Anas bin Malik narrated, as recorded in Sahih Bukhari and Muslim, the following: “While we were in the Mosque with the Messenger of Allah, a Bedouin came and stood urinating in the Mosque. The companions of the Messenger of Allah said, ‘Stop it! Stop it!’ and were about to attack him. But the Messenger of Allah said, ‘Do not interrupt him; leave him alone.’ So, they left him until he had finished urinating, then the Messenger of Allah called him and said to him, ‘In these Mosques it is not right to do anything like urinating or defecating; they are only for remembering Allah, praying and reading Quran,’ or words to that effect. Then he commanded a man who was there to bring a bucket of water and throw it over [the urine], and he did so.”

    Recognizing that the Bedouin did not know any better, the Prophet (pbuh) showed him compassion and tolerance in response to his action in the masjid. Today, we often see things that are much less offensive in our masajid and yet we react with less tolerance and compassion. Such intolerant, condemning reactions only serve to alienate the person and make him defensive. The beauty of a merciful act and a merciful word can also be seen in the way the Prophet (pbuh) responded to the people of Taif who had treated him so badly and caused him great physical harm. When Jibreel (AS) told him Allah (SWT) could command the angels of the mountains surrounding Taif to crush the people therein as a punishment for their actions, the Prophet (pbuh) said “no” because he maintained hope that some of the offspring of the people of Taif would believe. And his hope was borne out and his rahmah was rewarded in seeing that day when the children of Taif and the grandchildren of Taif accepted Islam and became among the staunchest believers.

    Allah (SWT) Ordains that We Extend Mercy to Those on Earth

    While we may be well-acquainted with the narrations of the seerah and able to easily recognize the rahmah of the Prophet (pbuh) and the signs and manifestations of the rahmah of Allah (SWT) all around us, it can be difficult to consistently extend acts of mercy to those around us. When we view someone suffering today, often if the suffering feels very far away, we throw some money at the problem and hope that it will help in some way. But, truly living in a way that demonstrates caring, kindness, tolerance, and compassion requires that we take action, extending kindness also to those who are not of our own families or communities. In the reminder of the oft-repeated phrase that began this article, there exists a recognition that no matter what we experience in this dunya, there is a Merciful Lord who wants us to return to Him and who will see us through our most difficult trials. But in the midst of our lowest moments, it is also our own mercy, towards ourselves and others, that must lift us up and bring us closer to our Creator. To truly be a mercy, we must live according to the phrase “bismillah ir-Rahman ir-Raheem,” and we must deepen our gratefulness to the most Merciful Creator; and we must celebrate His praises with “al-hamdulillahi Rabb il-alameen (praise be to God, Lord of the worlds).

    Let us always remember what the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said: “Those who are merciful will be shown mercy by the Most Merciful. Be merciful to those on the earth and the one in the heavens will have mercy upon you” (Sunan al-Tirmidhi).

  • For Muslim Women, Islam is Empowerment, Not Oppression

    For Muslim Women, Islam is Empowerment, Not Oppression

    As I stare at my laptop post-election day, typing this article about Muslim women, tears cloud my vision. For the first time in history, not one, but two Muslim women have been elected to Congress. One is Rashida Tlaib, a Palestinian-American woman from Michigan, and the other is Ilhan Omar, a Somali-American, hijab-wearing woman from Minnesota. Omar started her acceptance speech with “assalamu alaikum.”

    For the first time in many years, when I look around today at influencers and change-makers, I see people who look like me — Muslim women in Congress, Muslim women in magazines, Muslim women in advertisements, Muslim women on billboards, Muslim women in the Olympics, Muslim women in spaces where we were marginalized and largely ignored for many years. This does not mean that Muslim women need to seek validation from a power-driven society to be heard and seen. What this does mean is that Muslim women have a compelling voice and viewpoint; that Muslim women are an important thread in the fabric of society; and perhaps, most importantly, Muslim women are empowered, not oppressed, by our religion.

    Giving Voice

    With the contentious issues surrounding the Kavanaugh hearings, the disheartening scandals involving a number of Muslim leaders, and the grievous trauma of abuse and violence experienced by women around the world, the struggle to hear the voices of more than half the world’s population continues. The Women’s March, celebrations such as International Women’s Day, and the hashtag campaigns of #MeToo, #MWD, and #CanYouHearUsNow? are all publicized powerhouse statements of women’s achievements and calls to action. Along with these campaigns, we have seen a deluge of articles, blogs, and lectures that address what it means to be a woman in today’s world and that ask the perennial question of why the rights of women are so often denied.

    Unfortunately, too many people in our own Muslim communities respond to these questions with a shrug, and sometimes wonder, or even ask out loud, “why does it matter?” These issues about women and women’s rights matter because according to the World Health Organization’s statistical data, every 15 seconds a girl or woman somewhere in the world is assaulted, abused, or raped; because more than a third of all women worldwide (35.6%) will experience physical or sexual violence in their lifetime; because every year, 60 million girls are assaulted on their way to school; because in some parts of the world, a girl is more likely to be raped than to go to school (WHO, 2017); because 38% of all murdered women are killed by their partner (London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine, 2013); because women perform 66% of the world’s work and produce 50% of its food, but earn only 10% of its income and own less than 1% of its property.

    Until we acknowledge this reality and work daily towards changing it, girls and women will continue to be victims of violent and sexual assault. They will continue to be underappreciated for their work and contributions to families and communities, and they will continue to be denied opportunities to reach their full potential. We want to raise daughters who will be judged on the trails they blaze rather than the fashionable blazers they wear. We want our daughters to live in a reality where they can confidently say that smart is better than cute, in which they see the beauty that exists within themselves and refuse to succumb to a definition of womanhood that stymies their dignity and strength. This would be a world where equality isn’t about women striving to be like men, but about women recognizing that their value stands both on its own female merit and on the worthiness that Allah SWT endowed all humans with. In such a world, females would not be judged as a lesser gender nor would they be forced to feel diminished or powerless.

    A Religion of Empowerment

    Proudly proclaiming that Islam is a religion of empowerment for women is neither an empty statement nor a public relations campaign. Looking to the Quran and the Sunnah, we are often reminded that empowerment of human beings is divinely ordained. The reminder of la hawla walla quwattah illa billah, there is no transformation or power except by Allah (Sahih Muslim), is firmly rooted in the recognition that our definitions and pursuit of self-empowerment as Muslim women must only come from Allah and His guidance. From the punishment alluded to for those who violate the sanctity of an infant girl’s life in Surat At-Takwir, in which the practice of female infanticide is clearly condemned (81:8-9), to the verses of Surat Al-‘Ahzab, where Allah (SWT) promises “forgiveness and a great reward” for those who believe, regardless of gender (33:35); to the beautiful example of the Prophet (pbuh) and his respect and love towards the women in his life, including those in his family as well as the female companions of his ummah — we find our empowerment in a faith that demands justice for all, and highlights the beauty of transformative action fueled by the strength of faith. As a Muslim woman, the way I dress, the way I pray, the way I act, and the way I live my life are all a direct response to the commandments of my Lord. I will not limit the dignity that Allah (SWT) has blessed me with by conforming to humanly defined boundaries of womanhood.
    Islam provides the ultimate definition of equality, encompassing both faith and deeds. In Surah an-Nahl, Allah (SWT) reminds us, “Whoever works righteousness, man or woman, and has faith, verily, to him [or her] will We give a new life, a life that is good and pure; and We will bestow on such their reward according to the best of their actions” (16:97). Since the Quran and the Sunnah are so clear, so simple, and so direct in stressing the equality of men and women regarding belief and deeds, why do we have so many discussions today about the definitions of womanhood and female value? Why are there so many heated debates about the concept of feminism, a word that admittedly has come to represent negative ideas such as hatred of men by a faction of feminists, but means, in its straightforward definition, “the advocacy for women’s rights”? Why such hostility toward that advocacy when it is integral to our faith to fight against oppression of any vulnerable community? Why are there still so many questions swirling about what a woman should or should not do, what she should or should not say, how she should or should not act? Why do gender studies at the university level include a litany of classes such as Women’s Studies, Women in Islam, Women Throughout the Ages, etc., rather than Men’s Studies or Men in Islam?

    The Impact of Women

    The answer to these questions is simply that historically women have been oppressed and denied their full rights. For those in the faith community, there is an additional answer— the subject of women’s rights is fascinating because women are the bearers of future generations. The impact that one woman can make on generations to come is more powerful than even we, as women, may recognize. The venerable status of the mother in Islam is indisputable, but it’s not only the child-bearing, nurturing, and rearing that gives a woman so much influence. Think of Prophet Adam (pbuh) and his wife Hawa (RA). Their marriage relationship provided mutual tranquility and comfort, setting the foundation for the first family on earth. The evolution of strong women continues in the story of Hajar (RA) and the strength of character that she maintained when left in the desert with her infant. Upon realizing that this was a commandment from Allah (SWT), she willingly put all her trust in His grace and did not doubt that He would protect her and her child. This mother’s purity of devotion allowed her to raise a child who echoed that same trust in Allah when, years later, his father was commanded to sacrifice him. And think of Maryam (RA) who inspired her guardian, Prophet Zakaria (pbuh), to make dua for a child of his own against all improbabilities when he witnessed this young woman’s simple faith in the power of Allah (SWT) to command the heavens and earth and to say “…Be and it is” (Quran 16:40).
    Great is the influence and the power wielded by the woman who is daughter, wife, mother, and most importantly, believer in Allah (SWT) and His commandments. Although it is imperative for us to know our history and to understand the impact of Muslim women in the past, it’s just as critical for us to know what we stand for today. Just as Khadija (RA) could balance the role of being a successful business woman, a respected community leader, an ideal mother to her and the Prophet’s (pbuh) daughters, and a supporting wife, so too do we have multiple roles to balance. I don’t pretend to speak for all Muslim women, but I do speak in the voice of our faith when I say we are important. We matter! We count! And we need to recognize our worth as ordained by God and not limit ourselves by any societal definition of who we are.
    Fulfilling Our Relationship with Allah (SWT)
    We, as Muslim women, owe it to ourselves and to our future generations to fulfill the sanctity of our relationship with Allah (SWT). We have the right to recognize who we are and to not sell ourselves short. We have the right to perform many roles and to accomplish many goals in this brief life. We have the right to think and to act for ourselves in accordance with the commandments of Allah (SWT). We have no need to compare ourselves to others and to feel like we just don’t measure up. We don’t need to denigrate ourselves or to act on human definitions forced upon us when Allah (SWT) has empowered and elevated us through Islam. Only Allah’s guidance can anchor us; otherwise, we are like an unmoored ship, bound to float aimlessly without a compass or a destination towards a greater ideal.

    When I think of strong women who inspire me, I think of those who have defeated adversity. I think of the women in our Islamic history like Asiya (RA), who lived in the most unjust of conditions but maintained her trust in Allah (SWT); Aisha (RA), the young wife who narrated thousands of hadith; Fatima (RA), the devoted daughter, mother, and wife; and the female companions, Nusayba, Somaya, and Shifa’ Bint Abdallah, who along with countless others, come to life through their struggles and their shared stories.
    I also think of women today — the single woman who struggles daily to make ends meet or wants nothing more than to start a family and settle down; the young university student trying to balance her deen and her dunya; the divorced or widowed woman struggling to raise her children in a world that acts like she’s invisible; refugee women who have lost parents, spouses, children, and homes; victims of abuse, trafficking, sexual assault, rape, and many other unspeakable horrors; the mother who must bury her child, whether after a school shooting in a state nearby or after incessant bombings in a country thousands of miles away. These are women who have or can overcome their hardships through their strong faith and love of Allah (SWT). As women continue to educate others, to faithfully raise children, to battle injustice, to help those who are needy or hurting, they work so hard to make a difference in their own lives while touching the lives of others every day. As Muslim women, we’ve been blessed with a sense of empathy that we need to share. We cry in joy together when we learn that our sisters have won a seat in Congress. And we cry in frustration together at the injustices of this world.

    Empowered, Not Oppressed

    When we think of women who inspire us to do more, to be better, and to achieve for His sake and out of love for Him, we are reminded to honor our Creator (SWT) by honoring ourselves. We must find and protect our dignity and self-respect. We must take time for ourselves, and to love ourselves for who we are. We are worth it—don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.
    We are Muslim women. We work hard for the sake of Allah (SWT) in our homes, in our communities, in our masjids, in our schools, in hospitals, in corporations, and in governments. Today, we are featured on billboards, on televisions, in magazines and throughout the public sphere. Our sons and our daughters see us and hear us. We will not be silenced. We will not be left unheard. We will not be invisible.
    We are Muslim women, empowered by Islam, not oppressed by it.

  • Protecting Our Muslim Youth in a Gender-fluid and Hyper-sexual Society

    Protecting Our Muslim Youth in a Gender-fluid and Hyper-sexual Society

    When I was invited to write an article about preparing youth for marriage, I eagerly agreed. I was excited to tackle the topic, not because this has become my field of expertise as the subject of my doctoral research and the focus of a great deal of my work as a youth counselor, but because I saw an opportunity. I had an opportunity to address marriage preparation, one among a list of important topics focusing on the well-being of our youth, including mentoring, developing leadership, time management, and other skills for success, or finding balance in one’s life. However, rather than simply discussing the importance of premarital education and counseling, I decided to focus instead on the issue of moral decline as it relates to sexuality, an issue that is plaguing our youth and causing a detrimental ripple effect deep into the bedrock of young marriages. This article focuses on the hyper-sexuality and shifting views of gender identification that our youth are currently exposed to. We, as parents, educators, community leaders, and activists must come to understand these issues if we are going to protect our children and youth.

    At an increasingly younger and younger age, youth are exposed to very mature content for which they are completely unprepared to process in the context of family, faith, and personal well-being

    As Muslims, we don’t talk about sex. And we definitely don’t talk about sexuality or sexual orientation with our youth. The taboo topic that often results in tongue-tied parents and red-faced religious leaders is not discussed in a healthy way with youth who are already socially exposed to these concepts through a variety of mediums. In neglecting the discussion of these topics, we are left instead with a multitude of curious teens and young adults seeking to learn about sexuality from the many sources that do offer open dialogue: friends, books, magazines, school, television, and, of course, the Internet. While the information may be plentiful and easily accessible, without guidance, a teenager may be left to his or her own devices to make sense of a very grown-up topic. Yet, our faith clearly indicates that we must have conversations with our youth in preparing them for dealing with the real world, as the Prophet (peace be upon him) instructed that there should be no shyness in matters of religion when legitimately seeking knowledge.

    Social Influences

    Today, our youth are surrounded by books, movies, shows, and songs that glamorize intimacy removed from the sanctity of marriage. At an increasingly younger and younger age, youth are exposed to very mature content for which they are completely unprepared to process in the context of family, faith, and personal well-being. Songs by popular figures aim to normalize homosexuality and/or bisexuality, such as Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl,” in which Perry sings, “and I liked it.” Popular family shows such as “Modern Family” present same-sex parents Mitchell and Cameron.

    At the same time, books aimed at a young audience such as “See You at Harry’s” by Jo Knowles encourage exploration of teen and preteen sexual identification rooted in same-gender relationships. “Adult” books such as the infamous “Fifty Shades of Grey” by E.L. James completely subvert the idea of sexuality, presenting the content as romantic while filled with sexual and emotional abuse of women characters. Teenagers can covertly access this book despite warnings to stay away. Without a doubt, the impact of exposure to sexuality outside of marriage, and sexual lifestyle choices, is a corruption of the eyes, ears, and hearts, particularly in youth; and this is highly destructive to their developing worldview, sense of self and identity, and perceptions of marriage.

    With every open conversation we have with a teenager, there are ten more conversations that we need to have. Education, communication, patience, love, and prayer—lots and lots of prayer—form the cornerstone of open dialogue with our youth

    Every day, we see media icons such as Caitlyn Jenner (formerly known as Bruce Jenner) who are portrayed as heroes for choosing to “become” a gender they are more comfortable with, while the famed offspring of that same notorious family (Kim, Khloe, Kylie, and the other Kardashians) consistently flaunt their hyper-sexuality in the grossest form of shameless media exposure. Early teens and preteens are encouraged to explore not only what they will be when they grow up, but also what gender they select, as if it is a choice as easily negotiable as dying your hair or wearing colored contacts. Gender is currently viewed by pop culture as completely unbound by biology and genetics, resulting in the emergence of the cisgender identification (referring to the alignment of one’s gender identity with one’s biological sex assigned at birth) so as to normalize the transgendered choice.

    What can help our youth withstand the tide so as not to be swept away by the appeal to satisfy every fleeting desire? In a world that constantly preaches individualism and unbridled fulfillment of self, children are taught to feed the nafs al-ammara (base, lower self), to satisfy all worldly desires regardless of moral or religious reservations. This message of satisfying the self at all times and at all costs is a problematic contradiction for Muslims who believe in controlling desires of dunya as the ultimate form of submission to the will of Allah (SWT). But this message pales in comparison to the glitzy appeal of a world that advocates for the unfettered attainment of all desires. Consistently raising the bar on what will satisfy the nafs becomes a major factor in the lack of contentment pervading the marriage realm. When presented with a buffet of lifestyle choices, the singular distinction of monogamous marriage is seen as restrictive and confining. Marriage then becomes synonymous with monotony rather than being viewed as a path towards tranquility, stability, and, according to hadith, completing “half the deen.”

    Opportunities

    As Muslims in the West, we find ourselves working so hard on the constant defense of our faith from threats external to our communities that we sometimes lose sight of what threatens our youth internally. At one time, parents could easily warn their children about staying away from relationships with the opposite gender, which of course often occurred anyway but were considered scandalous when news inevitably reached the ears of the community. Yet, the parents of today have a whole other slew of sexual stances and definitions to warn their children about, things that they themselves may not fully understand. Trying to keep up with the constant barrage of LBTQ+ messages and identities from transsexual to pansexual to everything in between, is difficult for a generation that understands sexuality and gender identities as their parents and grandparents did, and their religion sanctions. Despite the religious rejection of these identities and actions, the exploration of such identities among our youth is growing at a terrifyingly rapid rate. The Internet provides an ever-changing menu for a variety of identifications, and our youth, decidedly more tech-savvy than us, are exposed to this confusing and harmful phenomenon.

    One may argue that the youth of the ‘60s, ‘70s, and ‘80s also grew up in a sexually permissive society and that the generation of that era turned out just fine. In those days, however, family values were still at the core of society and children were not indoctrinated to believe they had a choice in sexual orientation and gender identity. Traditional families and gender roles still held sway.

    As a Muslim community, we have yet to find the antidote for exposure to today’s sexual permissiveness, or the words to address it. We prefer to remain reticent on the topic of gender identification and homosexuality. Unlike the vocal faith groups who actively speak out against same gender relationships and the breakdown of the traditional family, we tend to tiptoe around the situation and prefer not to discuss something that we feel has nothing to do with our community. We try to avoid “planting the seed” in the minds of our youth without realizing that the seed has already been planted by others and that our reticence causes more confusion than clarification.

    Into the Future

    Protecting our youth in a gender-fluid and hyper-sexual society begins with talking to our own children. It begins by bringing down the barriers and allowing our youth the safe space needed to discuss with us openly what may be on their minds, what they are confused about, and what challenges they face as they attempt to navigate psychologically and emotionally through such turbulent times. Our work continues with identifying the factors that may influence our children and promoting a healthy consciousness of what a traditional faith-based relationship looks like. We must model purposeful, mature, and peaceful living in our own relationships. We are the stewards of the coming generation. With every open conversation we have with a teenager about the topics discussed in this article, there are ten more conversations that we need to have. Education, communication, patience, love, and prayer—lots and lots of prayer—form the cornerstone of open dialogue with our youth.

    What More Can We Do?

    After understanding the identity threats that impinge on our youth’s emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being, our natural response is “what more can we do?” The seemingly insurmountable mountain can be scaled by opening the lines of dialogue and discussion with our children. Here are some suggestions:

    • Begin discussion with your children from a young age about biological elements of the body. Don’t let their natural curiosity lead them down the path towards asking the wrong people or looking for information in the wrong places.
    • Refer often to the Quran. Teach your children the verses of Surat Ar-Rum regarding marriage and the creation of males and females as mates for one another, and other verses from the Quran that emphasize the beauty and sanctity of the marital relationship.
    • Keep hay’aa (modesty) as a central reference point in your home. Teach youth what modesty in action, in thoughts, in glances, and in interactions means, in addition to modesty in dress. Emphasize the importance of hay’aa for both girls and boys.
    • As your pre-teens and teens begin to enter the world of changing emotions and fluctuating hormones, be sure to discuss with them the difference between desire and action and how they can mitigate the emotions that they may not yet understand fully.
    • Help your children to recognize and fully appreciate the beauty of tawbah (repentance) and the love that Allah (SWT) has for those who sincerely repent; also talk about His love for those who are tested with desires but guard against sin because of their love for pleasing Him (SWT).
    • Use the words of the Quran regarding our prophets to exemplify guiding principles that can help protect our youth. For example, reference the story of Prophet Yusuf (pbuh) and how he was pulled by a woman’s desire, and he preferred to be put in prison than to be placed in that position. Explain to them also the situation of Prophet Lut (pbuh) and how he stood against those who acted in a way that was not pleasing to Allah (SWT) in trying to satisfy their lustful desires.
    • Finally, make a great deal of dua for the protection of your children and all the children of the ummah. Let your children see and hear you making dua often, and talk to them about the power of dua. Let them know that your dua is sincere and heartfelt, coming from a place of love for Allah (SWT) and for them.

    Finally, if you find it difficult to have these conversations with your children or teens, find a trusted mentor, an older sibling, or a youth group leader who can help guide your child in the right direction. May Allah (SWT) guide us all and guide all our children to the straight path. May He protect our coming generations from the fitnahs that we see today and the ones that we may not yet see.

     

  • Conflict Resolution for Volunteers

    Conflict Resolution for Volunteers

    Picture this: The stage is set, the walls are decorated, the doors are open,and the last minute preparations are wrapping up. The table settings and centerpieces are placed to perfection. The banquet hall looks like a scene from a fairy-tale wedding. The guests for the fundraiser, conference, or program are beginning to arrive. As they trickle in one by one, stopping by registration and then taking their seats, they comment on how beautiful the hall looks and eagerly await the program to begin. Little do they know that behind the polished smiles and the perfect-looking venue are a multitude of exhausted volunteers.From endless nights of planning and preparation, to phone calls, emails, and meetings, the amount of volunteer effort that goes into planning an event, fundraiser, program, or conference is often unappreciated.
    In the excitement of event planning, volunteers may experience a myriad of emotions and scenarios. The program planning often begins with unfettered enthusiasm and gusto, yet somewhere along the line, that same enthusiasm can wane and turn into disgruntled irritation as things may not go as smoothly as planned. Throw in a few headstrong individuals with Type A personalities and “my way or the highway” leadership styles and you have the perfect recipe for disastrous conflict simmering just beneath the surface of what appears to be an expertly executed event.
    Enter Conflict Resolution 101,a critical component of any volunteer work that is often overlooked because of the belief that there can be no problems when all volunteers are working for the sake of Allah SWT. Although volunteers may be dedicating their time and their commitment to a cause for the sake of Allah, the human factor undoubtedly comes into play and elements of ego, frustration, and resentment sometimes get in the way of charitable work, causing unnecessary conflict and rifts between volunteers.
    The Prophet said “Never has a nation gone astray, after having been guided, except that they were prone to excessive argumentation” (Al-Tirmidhi). Today, we see much too frequent argumentation taking place among the people of our ummah. While conflict is a normal and an expected part of communication at times, mismanagement of conflict is what leads to irreparable damage. It can be very disheartening to see people dedicating their time for a good cause and then deciding not to volunteer any more because of their negative experiences with others. There are, however, straightforward steps we can take whenever conflicts do arise so that we prevent escalation of any disagreement, laying a foundation for resolution.

    Remember that your volunteer efforts are not about aggrandizing your ego, but about serving Allah SWT through serving the people

    Understand the Problem: Too often we are overly anxious to avoid conflict or resolve any disagreement without fully understanding the problem. Avoid making assumptions and instead try to seek mutual understanding and then look for common ground and resolution of the conflict.
    Control Your Anger: The anger that often results from misunderstanding can be like venom to the heart. While the emotion of anger exists within all of us, how we react to situations or people that make us angry can determine the outcome of a situation. The one who can control his or her anger in the face of disagreement is the one who will be able to make a rational assessment without endangering their good intentions. The Prophet (peace be upon him) advised us to avoid anger, and if it does arise within us, to control it. A man said to the Prophet, “Advise me! The Prophet said, “Do not become angry and enraged.” The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet said in each case, “Do not become angry and enraged” (Bukhari). And at another time, he (pbuh) said, “The strong-man is not one who wrestles well but the strong man is one who controls himself when he is in a fit of rage” (Muslim).

    Listen Intently: The Prophet (pbuh) made everyone he spoke to feel like he or she was the most important person because he would give his full attention and respond only after listening with patience and genuine caring. Today, listening seems to be a lost art. People in conflict are so eager to prove their point, they may not take the time to hear the other person out. Turn to whoever you are having a disagreement with and look that person in the eyes and show that you are receptive to hearing their complaint or issue. After listening attentively, repeat what you understand to be the person’s position and ask him or her if you correctly understood what was bothering them. This will minimize misunderstandings and will allow you to really listen before responding. It will also allow you a moment to cool down before reacting.
    Be Tolerant, Patient, and Forgiving: Many conflicts can be avoided if we practice tolerance, patience, and forgiveness. Yet, some conflicts inevitably do occur and coming to some mutually satisfactory resolution also requires those same character traits. Otherwise egos will hold sway and those who are engaged in a disagreement will each make concerted effort to prove that that they are right and the other(s) wrong. Always assume the best about your co-volunteers and others you engage with while working on any project. Also, be sure to monitor your nonverbal reactions when caught in a moment of conflict. Rolling your eyes or smirking will not resolve anything. A sarcastic or condescending tone of voice harms communication and does not help to bring about resolution.
    Think Before You Speak: Our tongues can often spew out the worst type of poison. Rather than jumping to use bad language or raise our voices when we are locked in a disagreement with other volunteers, we must step back and think before we speak. Words do hurt and they can’t be erased once they are uttered. Don’t let your scale of good deeds diminish because of backbiting, cursing, shouting, or other bad habits of the tongue.
    Minimize Stress Levels Whenever Possible: Working with others on a tight deadline can be stressful. Don’t take your stress out on each other. Schedule breaks and time to reconnect with the reason why you are volunteering in the first place. Try to counter stressful situations and moments when volunteering with a shift in perspective that minimizes stress. This can include looking at the big picture, that you are striving to accomplish something for the sake of Allah SWT and that the small personal matters are usually not so important. The frustrations and annoyances will soon be a thing of the past. Also you can remind yourself as often as necessary that the team experience is a wonderful opportunity to practice positive Islamic traits such as patience, adaptability, flexibility, perseverance, and fair-mindedness. Do not delay your prayers because you get too caught up in the excitement and activity.In fact, performing the prayer is a wonderful respite from the work and brings renewed energy and refreshed motivation.
    Monitor Yourself in Order to Stay Humble: A domineering or “my way or the highway” type of attitude collapses cooperation and motivation in any team effort. Since it takes more than one person to effect change or make an event happen, do not allow the volunteer activity to become about one person seeking fame or recognition. Keep renewing your intention as to why you are volunteering and repeat istighfar(seeking forgiveness from Allah)when ego and arrogance get in the way of getting the work done in a cooperative and mutually respectful manner—especially if it is your ego and your arrogance that are holding things up.
    In the end, remind yourself and others why you have decided to give of your time and effort in the first place. Remember that your volunteer efforts are not about aggrandizing your ego, but about serving Allah SWT through serving the people. Make sincere dua that Allah bless your efforts and place great barakah (blessing) in your initiative. Start with bismillah (in the name of Allah) and end with alhamdullilah (all praise is due to Allah). Insha’Allah,with good intentions and hard work,you will reap the rewards of volunteering, both in the dunya (world) and the akhirah (hereafter). May Allah SWT bless the efforts of all the volunteers who work solely for His sake.

  • The Role of Muslim Women at the Time of the Prophet (s.)

    The Role of Muslim Women at the Time of the Prophet (s.)

    When we think of the role of women around the Prophet (pbuh), the thought that often comes to mind is of prominent historical figures such as Sumayah (RA), the first female martyr in the early days of Islam, and Nusaybah (RA), the female companion who fought valiantly with her family to protect the Prophet (pbuh) in battle. While these women are no doubt role models in their piety, devotion, and commitment to the deen, there are many other admirable women as well who helped shape the role of the Muslim woman at the time of the Prophet (pbuh) and the roles that we strive to fulfill in society today. To truly understand and implement these roles, we should look no further than the Prophet’s own household. His wives and daughters truly provide the best of examples of the female role in our Islamic history.

    Interestingly, today we see feminists arguing to define and redefine the role of women in society. The question of what it means to be a woman today is debated in open forums and in circles of academia. Yet the most simple and most direct answer to this question of defining gender roles lies in our own faith and in the way Islam positions both men and women in the family and in society. In Surat Al-Ahzab, we are reassured that both men and women will be judged not by their gender but by the merit of their deeds. “Indeed, the Muslim men and Muslim women, the believing men and believing women, the obedient men and obedient women, the truthful men and truthful women, the patient men and patient women, the humble men and humble women, the charitable men and charitable women, the fasting men and fasting women, the men who guard their private parts and the women who do so, and the men who remember Allah often and the women who do so – for them Allah has prepared forgiveness and a great reward” (Quran 33:35).

    Along with this validation from the Quran, one need only look to the Sunnah to clearly see that while men and women are undoubtedly different from biological, psychological, emotional and social perspectives, the purpose of the creation of both males and females remains the same—to worship Allah (SWT). How is this achieved within the existing realm of gender differentiation? By following the guidelines of the deen and by excelling in what Allah (SWT) has commanded each of us to be, whether male or female — strong and faithful believers.

    Islam Elevates Female Status

    During the time of the Prophet (pbuh), we see the role of Muslim women changing. In pre-Islamic Arabia, female infanticide was rampant because the value of the female was scorned. The Quran makes clear that this practice is heinous and each person will be held accountable: “When the female infant buried alive is questioned for what crime she was killed, when the scrolls are laid open, when the World on High is unveiled, when the Blazing Fire is kindled to fierce heat, and when the Garden is brought near — then shall each soul know what it has put forward” (81: 8-14). Further, the Quran prohibits this abominable custom: “And do not kill your children because of poverty. We provide sustenance for you and for them” (Quran 6:151).

    The banning of female infanticide coincided with the elevation of female status, and through the unfolding of the Islamic message, her rights were instituted, including the right to own property, to inherit, to accept or refuse a marriage, to seek knowledge and obtain education, and to worship Allah SWT as a full and independent individual. In tandem with those rights, the injunction of maintaining modesty was revealed in Surat An-Noor (24:30-31) and it is addressed to both men and women, along with prescribing hijab for all believing women. Thus, women were further elevated, no longer to be married off to the highest bidder, or treated like property or sex object. This change in the status of the female as commanded by Allah (SWT) and as practiced by the Prophet (pbuh), met with a great deal of resistance from those committed to the status quo, those who felt threatened by the progressive and enlightened tenets of Islam.

    Khadija (RA): A Woman of Strength and Independence

    The beauty of this enlightenment regarding the shift in perspective of the female role in Islam can be seen in the life of the first woman to accept Islam. Khadija (RA) was a woman who was respected in her own right, and even through today’s standard, would be seen as a woman of strength and independence. Although older than the Prophet (pbuh) at the time of their marriage, and previously twice widowed, she knew what it meant to seek strong characteristics in a spouse—trustworthiness, honesty, honor, and integrity. She understood the magnitude of the Message and the Prophet’s mission and provided the support, both emotionally and financially, that strengthened the Prophet on his journey of providing divine guidance and spiritual truth to the world.

    Khadija (RA) not only fulfilled the honorable role of mother and wife in a way that we can all learn from today, she also was a strong business woman who knew what it meant to view marriage as a partnership and a shared responsibility. It is reported that she had two sons from her first marriage, Hind and Hala, and a daughter from her second marriage, Hindah. Her marriage to the Prophet (pbuh) yielded the only living progeny who continued the line of ahl-ul-bayt. This noble woman, Khadija (RA), provided the comfort and support for the Prophet (pbuh) in his most difficult times, while also struggling through her own tests such as their two male sons dying in infancy. She raised their surviving daughters to be incredibly strong and well-respected women.

    Khadija (RA) not only fulfilled the honorable role of mother and wife in a way that we can all learn from today, she also was a strong business woman who knew what it meant to view marriage as a partnership and a shared responsibility.

    During their 25 years of marriage, Khadija (RA) never doubted her role as the supportive wife and mother in the home. The Prophet said after her death: “She believed in me when no one else did; she accepted Islam when people rejected me; and she helped and comforted me when there was no one else to lend me a helping hand.” The ease and grace with which Khadija (RA) carried out her role is something that many women today tend to struggle with. With changing societal expectations, many women today have struggled to define and manage their roles in life. In American society, there is often an inner debate about choosing a career or motherhood, or facing the challenges of doing both. However, when we look at the role of the wives of the Prophet (pbuh), and women, in general, during that time, we understand the honor of being a mother and raising children who become strong believers, while also fully participating in society’s affairs and helping to build a just society with support, courage, and the tenacity of faith.

    Role Models of Virtue and Versatility

    Three years after the death of Khadija (RA), the Prophet (pbuh) married Sawda (RA), a widow who had endured a great deal for the sake of Allah (SWT) and was the epitome of selflessness and caring. She helped raise the Prophet’s daughter, Fatima (RA), who was still young at the time of Khadija’s death.

    Upon reaching old age, she selflessly gave her allotted personal time with the Prophet (pbuh) to Aisha (RA) so that she would remain married and in the company of the Prophet, without burdening anyone.

    Aisha (RA) was one of the Mothers of the Believers who factored largely in the transmittal of hadith long after the death of the Prophet (pbuh). As the daughter of Abu Bakr (RA), she had the same strength and characteristics of leadership as her father. Her role as a wife was more than just as companion, but also as a person of great faith, in her own right, who received so much Islamic knowledge through the words and actions of the Prophet and her interactions with him. This precious knowledge she transmitted faithfully throughout the years of her life to the believers. Spending her formative years under the tutelage of the Prophet, given her youthful energy and sharp intellect, and because she was one of the Prophet’s closest companions, she became a great source of information and understanding of the Sunnah for all generations of believers.

    Following his marriage to Aisha (RA), the Prophet married Hafsa (RA), the daughter of the companion Umar Ibn Al-Khattab (RA). Similar to her father, Hafsa was of strong opinion and did not hesitate to voice her views. She freely shared her thoughts on different topics with the Prophet (pbuh), and he encouraged her to freely engage in open and honest communication with him. She was among the companions who memorized the Quran and was among those who verified the written copies recorded after the death of the Prophet. Again, the role of wife did not limit Hafsa (RA) or make her question her worth as an important member of the community, and her contributions to the ummah are important and distinguished.

    Women around the Prophet (pbuh) were versatile individuals who excelled in whatever roles they assumed in life.

    After his marriage to the daughters of Umar and Abu Bakr, the Prophet (pbuh) married Zaynab bint Khuzayma, a widow whose husband died during the Battle of Badr. She died shortly after the marriage, but even during that brief time she became known for her generosity and was called, with great regard, the “Mother of the Poor.” Next, the Prophet married Umm Salama, widowed after the Battle of Uhud, who was known for her wisdom, her mercy, and her faith. The Prophet would often ask her advice on matters of importance with regard to the ummah. This connection and mutual respect shows how the role of wife did not limit any of the wives of the Prophet but instead elevated them in status and allowed them to flourish in their versatile roles.

    Among the later Mothers of the Believers is Zaynab Bint Jahsh (RA) who had been divorced from Zayd, the young man who was raised as a child in the household of the Prophet. We see here that even as a divorced woman, the marital status of Zaynab (RA) did not define or limit her in anyway. This is a far cry from the stereotypes and societal restrictions that are too often placed by Muslims on divorced women today. This disesteem is largely cultural rather than religious. Following the marriage to Zaynab, the Prophet (pbuh) married Juwayriyya (RA), who was known as a blessing to her people of Banu Mustaliq; Umm Habiba (RA) who was known for her strength of faith and character; Saffiya (RA), who was known for her kindness and piousness; Maymuna (RA) “the blessed”; and Mariya (RA) who was known for her fortitude — these were the last women to join the household of the Prophet (pbuh).

    Delving deeply into the roles of the women who surrounded the Prophet (pbuh), we can understand that they did not define themselves by any one role. They were versatile individuals who excelled in whatever roles they assumed in life. At the core, however, their virtues of faithfulness, generosity, piety, loyalty, persistence, kindness, and courage defined these female role models in Islamic history. We should strive to emulate their example rather than bow to the expectations and pressures imposed upon us by society today.

  • When Your Teen Questions Faith

    When Your Teen Questions Faith

    “I don’t believe in God.” Five small words that no Muslim parent ever wants to hear uttered by their teen. Unfortunately, the reality is that many Muslim youth today do question their faith and may potentially follow a path of denial. Unlike other fears that parents may have regarding raising their children, lack of faith is one that can go unnoticed initially since the teen might outwardly continue to share in the religious rituals, but internally he or she may feel their faith fading away. Parents and community members often look for overt signs or indications that a teen is rebelling against the deen such as not praying or fasting, use of drugs or alcohol, or evidence of dating or inappropriate relationships. Yet, the complexity of losing one’s religion lies more in the state of the heart than in outward rebellion seen in the behavior. “Indeed in the body there is a lump of flesh; if it is good, the entire body will be good, and if it is corrupted, the entire body becomes corrupted, and that is the heart” (Sahih Muslim).

    “I don’t believe in God.” Five small words that no Muslim parent ever wants to hear uttered by their teen.

    What Are the Reasons Our Youth May Tread This Path?

    While actions that defy religious rules and morals undoubtedly affect the state of the heart, the questioning of religious relevancy is often the more likely culprit that leads our youth astray and directs them towards adopting an agnostic or atheist outlook. Our society today espouses a type of self-exploration that is a bit too encouraging in its individualist bent. Youth are inspired to “find themselves” through experimentation and breaking all the rules including defying figures of authority. Often teens see their parents and the rules of religion as symbols of authority that they should challenge. With that defiance of authority and discipline, they may also come to reject the faith that their parents have instilled within them from a young age.

    How Should Parents React to Their Teen’s Questions About Faith?

    We are often very reluctant to engage with our youth when they begin questioning. Rather than answering their questions in a language they can understand, we instead tune them out and guilt them out for the asking. Questions from a child or teen should never be ignored, ridiculed, or condemned. Instead, we need to engage with them and their questioning. We have examples in our prophets who sought solitude in order to question themselves about the faith direction that they were following. Through the questioning, they came to a greater sense of awareness and appreciation for Allah SWT and the principles of tawheed.
    The questions from our youth can also stem from a place of curiosity and a desire to truly understand. Look at the example of Prophet Musa (AS) and how he had many questions about the hikmah (wisdom) of Allah (swt). In the story in the Qur’an about Musa traveling with Al-Kidr, he was told to be patient and to not ask Al-Kidr about anything until he mentioned it to Musa. He was not turned away or told never to ask questions. By the end of their travel together, Al-Kidr answered all of Musa’s questions and Musa (AS) came to understand that the knowledge of Allah (swt) far exceeds any human knowledge. Likewise, the inquiring of Prophet Ibrahim was a questioning that did not stem from doubt but from seeking affirmation of a truth he already knew. When he asked Allah (swt) about the resurrection of life, Allah said to him, “Do you not believe?” Prophet Ibrahim replied, “Yes, but [I ask] just to reassure my heart.” He was then instructed to separate the bodies of several birds and place them on different mountaintops to understand how Allah (swt) can bring them back to life. Prophets Ibrahim and Musa (AS) were not questioning out of a denial of faith or a form of rebellion as we often assume with our children’s questions, but out of an honest desire to learn, understand, and strengthen their faith in the absolute oneness of God. This conviction is a return to the fitra (primal, pure nature) that we are all born with but that sometimes gets muddled and clouded by society along the way.

    Answer Your Teen’s Questions According to Their Disposition

    Let’s not be so quick to dismiss our teen’s questions of faith. Let them ask and if we don’t know the answer, we should commit to finding out the information or understanding needed to satisfy them. Appeal to your teen’s common sense or reason or even to his or her creative bent in responding to questions. For example, if your teen asks why he has to pray five times a day, ask him to research various academic disciplines and find one, only one, for which a person does not need to practice some regimen or develop a skill set that serves that expertise. You could then ask him to write an essay that draws parallels between the requisites and systematic training in an academic discipline and a spiritual discipline. By doing so, he will, in a very important way, be answering his own question about the need to pray with regularity and discipline.
    If your teen begins to turn away from faith because he or she feels that Allah (swt) was not there for them when they needed His help, allow them to understand the concept of a du’a delayed and teach them ayah 286 from Surat Al-Baqarah that explains that “On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear…” and ayah 216 in the same surah: “…But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” Then you and your family could have a family meeting and together come up with examples in everyday life of things that are good for us but might appear difficult or unpleasant, until they become habit and then we perform those things we ease. The list could include countless things like eating healthy foods, brushing one’s teeth, doing homework, being patient with younger siblings, and so on.

    Why Else Might Our Youth Stray from Faith?

    During the critical teenage years, our youth are exposed to books, movies, and music that cultivate an obsession with the self and the dunya. This focus on worldliness rather than on adopting a more spiritual perspective may pull them away from the deen. Be sure to provide your teen with alternatives to the music and the movies that can lure them away from a religious orientation. It is very difficult to steer a teen away from a path that is anti-Islamic without offering a constructive alternative. This same concept of offering alternatives applies to friends as well. Always be aware of who your child or teen is befriending. Allow your home to be the safe haven where friends can come over and enjoy themselves. You can steer your teen towards the social circle that will pull them closer to the faith rather than push them further away. It’s not easy, but it is worth it to make the time to cultivate a strong relationship with your teen so that they feel comfortable sharing with you their feelings about what’s going on in their lives as well as details about their friends. Remember the Sahih hadith that states, “The parable of a good friend and a bad friend is that of a seller of musk and a blacksmith. The seller of musk will give you some perfume, you will buy some, or you will notice a good smell. As for the blacksmith, he will burn your clothes or you will notice a bad smell.”

    What Can You Do If You Feel  Your Teen’s Faith is Slipping?

    Bring the beauty of Islam to life for them. Youth are very tactile and visual and need to experience spirituality in a way that may be different than what we grew up with. Today, everything offered to our youth is high-tech, engaging, entertaining, and visually appealing, from 3-D movies to the virtual reality of video games. If you are able, take your teen to Makkah and Madinah to disconnect from hi-tech and walk in the footsteps of the Prophet (pbuh). Provide your teens with opportunities so they can understand the faith and connect with it in a way that appeals to them. If you can’t travel, let them experience the beauty of Islam online. Help them find forums and lectures through the sites they like to browse that will assist them in dealing with their questions and crises of faith.
    Engage your teen in understanding what it means to truly live Islam. Camp out in nature and teach your teen the miracles of the Qur’an that they can relate to their everyday surroundings. Bring their attention to the numerous verses that instruct us to think and reflect, and to observe the world of nature around us that is teeming with Signs of Allah’s design in its perfect order and proportion. Learn how to speak their language in order to reach them. YOLO, the abbreviation for “You Only Live Once,” is a mantra that our youth hear repeated every day in so many ways. With a society that is constantly telling them to carpe diem – seize the day, enjoy the present, don’t worry about tomorrow – it is no wonder that so many teens have lost their way. So bring your teens to the masjid and be involved yourself to help create an inviting atmosphere for them so that the masjid is not seen as an “old people’s place,” but as a place that thrives and flourishes with the dynamism and involvement of the youth. Find places where they can play basketball or just hang out with other Muslims.
    Create opportunities where they can learn how to demonstrate their faith through the goodness of character, like volunteering at a soup kitchen or participating in collecting items for a clothing drive for the needy. Encourage them not only to memorize the Qur’an but to understand its meaning. Also help them to get to know the Prophet (pbuh) through the seerah. Let their hearts be touched by the countless stories of his strong yet gentle and compassionate character.

    What If Your Teen Still Denies Faith or Even the Existence of God?

    Don’t give up. Be there for your teen with constant du’a. Remind your teen of the beauty of repentance and teach them that the door to taubah is always open. Today your teen may be living through a crisis of faith but tomorrow that same teen may be stronger in eman than you could ever imagine. Keep your own faith strong in the face of one of the biggest trials a parent can be tested with. Hold fast to the ayah of the Qur’an that tells us “…never despair of Allah’s mercy….” (39:53) May Allah (swt) bless all the children of the ummah and may He protect them all from anything that could lead them astray. May the youth of our communities truly become the beacons of light that will carry our faith forward, generation upon generation, insha’ Allah.

  • Mixed Muslim Marriages: The Making of a Genuine Melting Pot

    Mixed Muslim Marriages: The Making of a Genuine Melting Pot

    When I am invited to speak on the topic of marriage, I often open with reference to the following familiar ayah from Surat Ar-Rum: “And of His signs is that He created for you from amongst yourselves spouses that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and love. Indeed in that is a sign for people who reflect” (Quran 30:21). I usually follow with mention of how many wedding invitations carry this verse printed so beautifully on the front of the card, but that instead of reflecting upon the profound meaning of the ayah, we tend to look instead for what we see as “important information” such as the venue and the meal choice. The truth is that in this ayah there is so much wisdom regarding the marriage relationship, if only we take the time to reflect upon it.

     “All mankind is from Adam and Eve; an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black any superiority over a white except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood. Nothing shall be legitimate to a Muslim which belongs to a fellow Muslim unless it was given freely and willingly. Do not, therefore, do injustice to yourselves.”

    The verse speaks of the marriage relationship as a means of finding rest and tranquility in the heartfelt relation to another soul, and while the verse clearly denotes affection and love as the proverbial bonding between spouses, we should avoid falling for the exaggerated portrayal of infatuated-based love by Hollywood and Bollywood. The ayah also suggests that the love within marriage, built upon caring, mercy, and Islamic devotion, goes beyond the love that is grounded in, but also bounded by, this world. The marriage relationship thus is a mutual, shared journey towards a much higher spiritual love. The verse closes with the reminder that marriage itself is a heavenly sign and that we should reflect and marvel upon the divinely bestowed connection that makes this union functional, strong, and profound. The mere idea of taking two individuals from separate families, with differing backgrounds, life experiences, and personalities, and bringing them together to form a new bond of mutual devotion should be cause for reflection and awe. The operative idea here is that two different people join together, unite for the sake of Allah (swt), ready to weave a new tapestry of marriage and family life.

    Marrying Someone of a Different Background

    Yet, for many Muslims the idea of marrying someone from a different culture, race, or ethnicity is almost inconceivable. An exploration of the Quran on the topic of marriage shows that this fear of marrying outside our cultures is unfounded to say the very least. For example, the verses that precede and follow the above verse are revealing, as pointed out in a post by Shaykh Omar Suleiman. The verse before the “marriage verse” tells us: “And of His signs is that He created you from dust; then suddenly you were human beings dispersing throughout the earth” (30:20). The ayah that follows the “marriage verse” states: “And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the diversity of your languages and your colors. Indeed in that are signs for people of knowledge” (30:22). Shaykh Omar comments that the placement of the verses shows that marriage, likewise the human diversity that is signified by “colors” and “languages,” are blessings from Allah (swt), and thus, by inference, a straightforward condemnation of ethnocentrism and racism. He notes about the placement, “Coincidence? I think not. The sequence of the verses flows with divine wisdom.”

    Along with these beautiful verses of the Quran, we should also recall the words of the Prophet (pbuh) in his last sermon: “All mankind is from Adam and Eve; an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black any superiority over a white except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood. Nothing shall be legitimate to a Muslim which belongs to a fellow Muslim unless it was given freely and willingly. Do not, therefore, do injustice to yourselves.”

    We can clearly see a condemnation of any form of racism or belittling based on race, culture, or ethnicity. If our deen unequivocally disapproves of racism and xenophobia, then where does the apprehension about mixed Muslim marriages stem from?

    Typical Objections to a Mixed Marriage

    Below are the top ten objections to mixed Muslim marriages that are commonly cited, typically from genuinely concerned parents:

    You won’t speak the same language

    Your children won’t be raised the same way your culture dictates

    You won’t be able to keep your culture intact within the marriage

    Your spouse won’t like your cultural foods

    Your temperaments won’t match because your backgrounds are different

    Your children will end up confused about their heritage

    Your in-laws will treat you poorly because they will see you as an outsider

    Your traditions will be lost and gatherings will have no meaning

    Your wedding and every major holiday will be a jumble of clashing outfits

    Putting Things in Perspective

    Now if we deconstruct each of these nine misgivings, we can begin to see beyond the negatives to a clearer and more compelling perspective:

    Living in the Western world, chances are we are all speaking English. If not, there’s always Rosetta Stone. The couple can embark together on the journey of learning a new language or learning the native tongue of the other spouse. The language of the Quran can of course be a powerful base connector as well. And the language of love is unlimited in its expression.

    The way we raise our children will surely differ from the way we were raised. Each generation can build upon what is good and effective from their parents’ generation and the culture in general, and discard what is counterproductive or ineffective. In addition, taking the best child-rearing practices from both spouses’ cultures can be a rich trove of wisdom. Our techniques of child rearing should evolve to fit the society we live in while maintaining the important things such as faith, character, morality, and manners.

    Culture is derived from the way we act, the way we live, our preferences and our connections. The set of rules that helps define our lives from a cultural perspective are not dictates set in stone. They are fluid and flexible and meant to evolve with time, people, and experiences.

    If you love your biryani, samosas, and chicken tikka masala and are marrying someone who is used to making falafel or burritos, then it’s time to get cooking. Spouses should share with one another their traditional foods in a spirit of open-mindedness and adventure. What a great connection a couple can have through sharing and enjoying together the foods they love and grew up with.

    Marriage is a large leap of faith. Regardless of your ethnicity, race, or culture, each spouse’s temperament is a repository of nature, nurture, and experience that awaits knowing by a loving partner in life. The healthiest outlook is one which sees the spouse’s personality, character, and the totality of personal traits as an exciting source of mutual discovery, increasing self-awareness, and deeper understanding. All in all, it takes a great deal of adjustment, tolerance, and effort to make a marriage work, regardless of same or different backgrounds.

    Our children will take on the attitudes of their parents toward cultural diversity. If the spouses are on the same page, seeing their cultural variance and distinction as a blessing and positive challenge toward greater maturity and enlightened interaction, so will the children. That potential is not something to fear but to celebrate!

    In-laws’ treatment of the new spouse does not hinge upon the cultural, racial, or ethnic background of that person. It instead depends on the in-laws’ worldview, maturity, and respect of the dignity and worth of each individual, including that of the son or daughter-in-law. That is simply adherence to the Islamic teachings and should be ascertained before marriage.

    Traditions made within your family are the ones that will be passed on. Create your own traditions with your children. Bring the best from each of your backgrounds into the mix, planted in the rich loam of Islamic culture – the truest culture – and watch the beauty that will blossom from there.

    Whether you wear red shalwar kameez or a white gown at your wedding or any other holiday event does not, should not, matter. What matters is the level of respect that is brought to the approach to different cultures and the acceptance of all that makes us beautifully different.

    Bringing Hearts Together

    In the end, if we are to practice what we profess to believe, then we must open ourselves up to understanding the ayah from Surat Al-Hujarat that states: “O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted” (49:13).

    We are meant to come together, not to push away or pass judgment on others. We were meant to connect, to find what makes us similar, to focus on these commonalities and appreciate the differences. Just because we are different doesn’t mean that we are any better or any worse than one another. The weakness in our ummah comes from our divisions, and strength comes from our unity and solidarity. Imagine a blizzard made up of millions of snowflakes – each complex snow crystal is unique, different from every other one. Alone, a snowflake melts and disappears in an instant, but together they form a powerful snowstorm. In Surat Al-e-Imran, Allah (swt) reminds us: “And hold firmly to the rope of Allah all together and do not become divided. And remember the favor of Allah upon you – when you were enemies and He brought your hearts together and you became, by His favor, brothers. And you were on the edge of a pit of the Fire, and He saved you from it. Thus does Allah make clear to you His verses that you may be guided.” (3:103)

    Allah (swt) can bring our hearts together, whether in our marriages or in our Islamic centers. It’s time we lose our shackles of hesitancy towards mixed Muslim marriages and embrace the diversity that exists within our communities. This can make us stronger as families and as an ummah if nurtured and supported. When you find the righteous spouse, follow the deen and take the leap if compatibility of personality exists. Don’t shy away from someone just because their culture, ethnicity, or race may differ from yours. That marriage connection may yield greater richness and vitality because the cultural differences, though united through the medium and influence of Islamic refinement, still remain distinct and beautiful weaves in the tapesty of marriage and family.

  • Rebuilding Broken Family Bonds

    Rebuilding Broken Family Bonds

    It’s impossible to fix what is broken if we won’t acknowledge the damage

    The Rasool (SAS) reminds us that “The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family” (Al-Tirmidhi). How many of us can say that we truly live our lives in emulation of the Rasool (SAS)? How many of us can honestly say that our nicest smile is saved for our children? That our sweetest voice is saved for our spouse? That our kindest compliments are given to our parents? Unfortunately, in the concern about how we present ourselves to the world, caring so much about our reputations, many of us have strayed from keeping the best part of our selves for our families. Instead, where we try the least is in our own homes. Once we stop trying to be the best to our families, all that is best within our families begins dying.

    It’s never too late for us to fix what is broken.  It’s never too late to pick up the pieces and build again

    It’s hard for some to accept that there is a problem in our communities today and that the root of the problem may be found in our own homes. It’s impossible to fix what is broken if we won’t acknowledge the damage. We don’t like to be told that we’ve neglected a most important part of our lives. We don’t like to hear that we’ve given priority to the wrong things and, in the process, lost a piece of who we are. And so we are left saddened, hurting, and feeling less than whole even when we can’t articulate why. As much as it pains us, the first step towards healing is recognizing the truth. And the truth is that we are broken. The hard question we must ask ourselves is whether or not it is too late to salvage the broken bits of our families that have scattered here and there. Is there hope to rebuild our broken bonds again?

    Many of us wonder sometimes, how did it happen? How did I lose that connection with my family? The breakdown doesn’t happen overnight. It’s an insidious process of loss and pain. And Shaytan is able to break into the bonds of family life in small steps when we are steeped in filial security and feel most confident and comfortable in our connections. Sowing the seeds of personal discord in family life is among that which gives Shaytan the most pleasure. The Prophet (SAS) said: “Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments [for creating dissension between people]; the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: I did so and so. And he [Iblis] says: You have done nothing. Then one amongst them comes and says: I did not spare so-and-so, until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife. Shaytan goes near him and says: You have done well. He then embraces him” (Sahih Muslim).

    Cherish your family members, open your heart to them, and enjoy every moment you have together

    How can we guard against this assault on family life? How can we protect ourselves and the sanctity of our family connections when Allah (swt) tells us in the Quran: “(Iblis) said: ‘Because You have sent me astray, surely, I will sit in wait against them [human beings] on Your straight path. Then I will come to them from before them and behind them, from their right and from their left, and You will not find most of them as thankful ones’ [i.e. they will not be dutiful to You]” (Qur’an, 7: 16-17). Shaytan does not approach a family all at once but slowly and when the family members feel most comfortable, content, and secure in their own surroundings. It might begin with an increased attachment to the cell phone, like a mother who checks her phone for texts, emails, and Facebook posts repeatedly, at dinner, at soccer games, at family gatherings. Then, the family dissolution might move to the father spending late nights in seclusion on the laptop, the children constantly connected to the iPad, the teenagers glued to the Internet, video games, and the TV. Soon, the entire family is connected only to gadgets and technology and not to one another.

    The next step in the family breakdown might be an increasing lack of communication. Slowly, the parents stop talking to each other except in shouting matches, or even worse… they simply stop talking. The children might no longer have anything they want to share with the parents since they’d rather share with friends. Before anyone realizes what is happening, the adults in the family stop talking to their own parents or siblings because of the burden that “real” relationships represent. It doesn’t happen overnight, yet we’re shocked when it happens to us. We might find ourselves moving away from our connections and blaming it on work, busy schedules, lack of time, and a million other excuses that Shaytan conveniently supplies. Before you know it, you wake up and the realization hits you hard…you’ve lost your sense of family. The husband and wife no longer have companionship. The children lock themselves in their rooms and look to friends or popular culture for guidance. And then we wonder why? Where did our families go? How can we fix it? Is it too late?

    Alhamdulillah, Allah (swt) in His infinite Mercy provides opportunities for us to always better ourselves and to better our family lives. It’s never too late for us to fix what is broken. It’s never too late to pick up the pieces and build again. Here are some practical steps that can help us in rebuilding our families:

    Unplug

    Force yourself to disconnect from the technology that pervades our lives. We cannot have meaningful connections with our families if we are always turning to our devices and gadgets to connect with others. Make an agreement among family members to daily observe a downtime when no one will use the laptop, computer, phone, or any other device. It can be for a time after dinner or before bed. This can be a valuable time for family members to talk, play games, pray together, and just enjoy one another’s company.

    Communicate

    Schedule regular “talking time.” This is very important for the well-being of the parents’ relationship and for the children to know that they always have a parent to talk to. A typical day often consists of multiple siblings bumbling into the car at school pick-up time talking over each other, vying for parental attention, with the parent juggling phone calls with dinner and bedtime routines, and a general rush-rush feel of trying to get everything in after the school day. Following that kind of craziness, everyone in the family needs and deserves some appointed connecting time. Try using an egg timer and set it for five minutes. Enter each child’s room before bedtime and appropriate five minutes of dedicated time where your child can tell you anything that is on his/her mind. Or you and your child can just have a simple, pleasant conversation. Your spouse can do the same. Then do the same with your spouse and spend 10-15 minutes (or longer if needed or wanted). The kids will love their “five-minute” dedicated parent time, and you and your spouse will find yourselves looking forward to your together-time as well.

    Respect

    Build respect in the companionship and camaraderie between you and your spouse, you and your parents, and you and your children. Spouses should commit to being on the same page, always displaying a united, cooperative, mutually respectful front in dealing with and/or disciplining the children. Don’t let your children see you divided. Your marriage should be a place of trust, rest, tranquility, care, and mercy. If you can’t find that in your marriage, you won’t be able to provide that to your children. For single parents and blended families, the task is often even greater in establishing the family connection. Regardless of the situation, respect in the family begins with self-respect. It’s easy sometimes to fall into the trap of self-recriminations and feeling like you’ve fallen short in some aspect of family life. Don’t get sucked into that downward spiral. Respect starts from within and radiates outward.

    Support

    Recognize that no one exists in a bubble. As a family, you must provide the emotional as well as physical and spiritual support for one another. Institute an environment of safety and security. Avoid frequent criticism of your children or your spouse. Nagging never yields anything but hurt feelings and bruised emotions. Find family activities like biking, hiking, walking, or even reading together — anything that strengthens the bonds of affection and mutual encouragement and appreciation, and commit to the activity on a regular basis.

    Connect

    Don’t lead completely separate lives. Yes, it is important to nurture your own interests and pursue self-enriching activities. However, it’s equally important to always come back to home-base and to recognize the role of the family in your life and to enjoy the blessings of being with people who truly care for you. Find yourself, but also find each other and do things together. Our time on earth is limited and the Rasool (SAS) said: “Get hold of five things before five things happen: your youth before old age, your health before sickness, your riches before poverty, your leisure before business, and your life before death” (Tirmidhi). Recognize what is most important and reprioritize. Ask yourself how you are using your youth, your health, your wealth, and your time to enrich your own life and your family’s life in this dunya.

    Be Responsible

    Foster a sense of responsibility in all family members, including children and both spouses. What are the rights and responsibilities in a family? How can everyone be a part of fulfilling those? The Qur’an mandates the importance of being good to our parents. Be an example to your own children by not neglecting your responsibilities to your own parents. “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that [you show] kindness to parents. Should one or both of them attain to old age with you, say not any word of contempt unto them nor repulse them, but speak unto them a gracious word. And lower unto them the wing of mercy and say: My Lord! Have mercy on them both as they did care for me when I was little. Your Lord is best aware of what is in yourselves. If you are righteous, then lo! He was ever forgiving unto those who turn unto Him” (Qur’an, 17:23-25).

    Mend What’s Broken

    Acknowledge and fix whatever has gone wrong in your family. Have a serious heart-to-heart with your spouse and with your children about why you feel that your family is not living up to its potential. Don’t approach it as a time for blame but as a time for honesty and recommitment. The family must work together to improve the dynamic and to strengthen the bonds between family members. Make sure that each member realizes the importance of family ties and that Islam warns us of the consequences of breaking family relations. Jaabir ibn Muntam (RA) narrates that the Rasool (SAS) said, “The person who breaks family ties will not enter Jannah” (Bukhari and Muslim).

    Be Proactive

    Be the change you want to see. Set a good example and make changes in your own behavior as a motivation for other family members. Family is about cooperation. Initiate and follow through. Don’t think or convey that your spouse/parent/child is solely responsible for the discord or estrangement within the family. Be the one who searches for solutions, suggests creative ideas, initiates positive change, and demonstrates the attitude and perception of family as a blessing from Allah (swt). Be the first one to convey in large and small ways that you appreciate the family as having the potential to be a strong, united team; and the home as a place meant to provide happiness and peace.

    Expect the Unexpected

    Learn to roll with the punches. Establish a core of unshakeable tawakul (trust in Allah’s plan and full reliance on Him) rooted in taqwa. Family life is not all smooth sailing. Family members are the mates on your ship as you navigate the rough seas. Allah (swt) tells us in the Quran that “Verily, with every difficulty there is relief” (Qur’an, 94:6). Let the beauty of this ayah permeate your life and filter through everything you experience with your family. Where there is a down, there must be an up. Recognize that regardless of what you are going through right now, this too shall pass.

    Smile — Have fun with your family!

    The smile is a sadaqah to a stranger; so imagine what it is to your family who you are commanded to be the best to. Rasool Allah (SAS) said, “Do not regard any act of virtue to be insignificant even if it is meeting your brother with a smiling face.” Recognize that there should be joy in your family life. Your children should want to come home and be with you. Your spouse should be excited to see you. Be the best “you” possible for your spouse and your kids. The Rasool (SAS) would play around, joke, and race with his wives. He would tell stories to the children to make them laugh. Don’t lose the lightheartedness of life with your family. Your family should be your source of inspiration, happiness, and joy. Accept the blessing that they truly are, and the fact that your actions with your family can lead you to the ultimate reward of being with those you love most in Jannah, insha’Allah.

    Finally, keep in mind that family life is a journey of discovery. Cherish your family members, open your heart to them, and enjoy every moment you have together. Family life will never be perfect, but it can be perfectly fulfilling when we realize they offer us profound and lasting love.

  • Who Defines Me

    Who Defines Me

    As I sit in the lecture hall listening to a scholar speak about haya’ and modesty, I brace myself for what’s to come. Sure enough, right on cue, the scholar begins discussing the importance of hijab and the modest dress of the Muslim woman. He begins with the often used description of the pearl hidden in the oyster shell. Next, he moves on to the expected metaphor of the gold buried deep in the mine, safe from plundering eyes. Soon after, he ends with an anecdotal story about a child who chooses a candy that is covered rather than one that is uncovered and surrounded by flies.

    While the well-intentioned sentiment in each of these examples is understood, the analogies are ones that have always made me cringe. As a Muslim woman, being compared to an inanimate object such as the pearl, the gold, or the piece of candy is rather insulting. When the definition of a woman’s modesty is reduced to such limiting parameters, the description itself robs the dignity of haya’ and the equality of treatment ordained by Allah (swt). In Surat Al-‘Ahzab, Allah (swt) defines the rewards for those who believe, regardless of gender: “Indeed, the Muslim men and Muslim women, the believing men and believing women, the obedient men and obedient women, the truthful men and truthful women, the patient men and patient women, the humble men and humble women, the charitable men and charitable women, the fasting men and fasting women, the men who guard their chastity and the women who do so, and the men who remember Allah often and the women who do so – for them Allah has prepared forgiveness and a great reward” (Qur’an 33:35).

    In this ayah, there are no analogies drawn to inanimate objects to describe either men or women nor their acts of worship. As a Muslim woman, the way I dress, the way I pray, the way I act, and the way I live my life, is a direct response to the commandments of my Lord. I don’t feel the need to create faulty assessments or to limit the dignity that Allah (swt) has blessed me with by conforming to some humanly defined dictate.

    Yes, I am a daughter, a wife, a mother, a friend, an author, a teacher and a thousand other roles that I enact every day. Yet, underlying all of these roles is the one invariable constant. I am a human being created by Allah (swt) to worship Him in all I do. And this alone, is a commandment that applies to men and woman: “Whoever does righteousness, whether male or female, while he is a believer – We will surely cause him to live a good life, and We will surely give them their reward [in the Hereafter] according to the best of what they used to do” (Qur’an 16:97).

    Regardless of my gender, I will be judged on the merit of my own actions on the Day of Judgment and this is the ultimate definition of equality. Allah (swt) says: “That no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. And that there is naught for man except that [good] for which he strives. And that his effort is going to be seen. Then he will be recompensed for it with the fullest recompense. And that to your Lord is the finality. And that it is He who makes [one] laugh and weep. And that it is He who causes death and gives life. And that He creates the two mates – the male and female” (Qur’an 53:38-45).

    Since the Qur’an is so clear, so simple, and so direct in stressing the equality of actions, why do we have so many discussions today about the definitions of women and female values? Why are there so many heated debates around the world about what a woman should or should not do, what she should or should not say, how she should or should not act? Why do gender studies at the university level include a litany of classes such as “Women’s Studies,” “Women in Islam,” “Women throughout the ages,” etc. rather than “Men’s Studies” or “Men in Islam”? The answer to these questions is simple — the discourse on women is a fascinating subject for so many because women are the bearers of future generations. The impact that one woman can make on generations to come is more powerful than even we, as women, may recognize sometimes.

    While the status of the mother in Islam is indisputable, it’s not only the child-bearing, nurturing, and rearing that gives a woman so much influence. Think of the Prophet Adam (AS) and his wife Hawa (RA). Their relationship as husband and wife formed the first marriage and provided human tranquility and comfort while setting the foundation for the first family on earth. The evolution of strong women continues in the story of Sittina Hajar (RA) and the strength of character that she maintained when left in the desert with her infant. Upon realizing that this was a commandment from Allah (swt), she willingly put all her trust in His grace and did not doubt that He would protect her and her child. This mother’s purity of devotion allowed her to raise a child who echoed that same trust in Allah (swt) when years later his father was commanded to sacrifice him. And think of Sittina Maryam (AS) who inspired her guardian, Prophet Zakaria (AS), to make du’a for a child of his own against all improbabilities when he witnessed this young woman’s simple faith in the power of Allah (swt) to command the heavens and earth and to say “…Be and it is” (Qur’an 16:40).

    This is the influence and the power wielded by the woman who is daughter, wife, mother, and believer in Allah (swt). Although it is important for us to know our history and to understand the impact of Muslim women in the past, it’s also important for us to know what we stand for today. Just as Khadija (RA) could balance the role of being a successful business woman, a respected community leader, an ideal mother to the Prophet’s (SAS) daughters, and a supporting wife, so too do we have multiple roles to balance. I don’t pretend to speak for all Muslim women, but I do speak with the voice of a Muslim woman when I say we are important. We matter! We count! And we need to recognize our worth as ordained by God and not limit ourselves by any human definition of who we are.

    From female infanticide of the jahiliya to the crippling stories of rape, abuse, and victimization of our time, how many strong women in this world have been harmed, manipulated, controlled… and more importantly, why? Why was a young girl, eager to be educated, shot and maimed in the hopes of silencing her? How many other females, like Malala Yousafzai, are there in this world that have been successfully silenced at the hands of unjust governments, or even by their own insecurities and internalized misconceptions of inferiority? How many other potential Nobel Peace Prize winners like Tawakkol Karaman will never be given the chance to realize their own strength because they were aborted before birth for no reason other than their gender? As Allah (swt) tells us: “And when one of them is informed of [the birth of] a female, his face becomes dark, and he suppresses grief. He hides himself from the people because of the ill of which he has been informed. Should he keep it in humiliation or bury it in the ground? Unquestionably, evil is what they decide.” (Qur’an 16:58-59).

    How many more nameless young women today must be beaten, raped, and abused until we wake up and recognize our worth in the eyes of Allah (swt) and demand the respect and honor that we deserve? Let’s stop defining ourselves in human terms and limiting our definitions of who we are to the way others see us. It’s time for us to begin forging definitions that encompass the internal strength, importance, and beauty of womanhood.

    The Chinese writer, Lin Yutang once said that of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother. But does that decrease the value of any woman who may not be a mother, or does it take away from any woman who sees herself as more than just a walking womb? We barter in extremes and often try to conform to fit the diet of the day, the expected education level, or to become the best at this and the best at that, all while juggling a million other perceived and real expectations. What we often fail to realize is that the stress and pressure that we put upon ourselves “to be all that we can be” and beyond, can only stretch our human capability so far until we snap.

    We, as women, owe it to ourselves and to our future generations to fulfill the sanctity of our relationship with Allah (swt). We have the right to recognize who we are and to not sell ourselves short. We have the right to fit many roles and to accomplish many goals in this brief life. We have the right to think and to act for ourselves in accordance with the commandments of Allah (swt). We have no need to compare ourselves to others and to feel like we just don’t measure up. It is not right to denigrate ourselves or to act on human definitions forced upon us. It is not deserved to question our equality in the eyes of Allah (swt). And we definitely don’t have the need to question whether or not we are worth something in this dunya and in the akhirah.

    If we stoop to the level of accepting the definitions that are handed to us or any other negative definitions that we have internalized, then like an unmoored ship, we are bound to float aimlessly without anchoring our actions to a greater ideal. Whether it is the expectations of society, family, or self, we all have a lot on our plates. But this is where we need to revive our sense of ummah. And we can start here and now, within the very ranks of our own broken sisterhood.

    As women, we’ve been blessed with a sense of empathy that we need to share. We cry together at the injustices of this world. We feel the pain of the mother who must bury her child, whether after a school shooting in a state nearby or after incessant bombings in a country thousands of miles away. We understand the hardships of the single woman wanting nothing more than to start a family and settle down. We see the struggle of the young university student trying to balance her deen and her dunya. We know the difficulty of the divorced or widowed woman fighting to raise her children in a world that acts like she’s invisible. But it’s not enough to simply see, feel, and understand. We must also act. How are we changing these definitions for our sisters? How are we changing their hardships? How are we changing our own conditions? Our legacy lies in reshaping these situations and reminding each other to live by the definitions that have been divinely ordained for us.

    When I think of strong women who inspire me, I think of those who have defeated adversity. I think of the women in our Islamic history like Sittina Asiya (RA), who lived in the most unjust of situations but maintained her trust in Allah (swt), and Sittina Aisha (RA), the young wife who narrated thousands of hadith, and Sittina Fatima (RA), the devoted daughter, mother and wife, along with countless others who come to life through their struggles and their shared stories. I also think of women today: single women who thrash about daily to make ends meet, victims of abuse and horrible situations that have overcome their hardships and now educate others, mothers raising children on their own, mothers who have lost their own children and are raising the children of others, and many, many more who make a difference in the lives of others every day.

    I need to think of women who inspire me to do more, to be better, and to achieve for His sake and for the sake of His love alone. We all need reminders. Reminders that can teach us to honor ourselves; to have dignity and self-respect; to take time for ourselves; and to love ourselves for who we are. We are worth it—don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. Our multiple responsibilities and the giving of our selves with every ounce of caring and energy to those around us, make it easy to forget sometimes the greater purpose, the greater love, the greater sense of being that we need to recapture.

    When asked why he chose to build schools for Muslim girls in Afghanistan, Greg Mortenson once explained that by educating a boy, he could change one individual but that by educating a girl, he could change an entire community. It’s time that we too believe in our own sense of self-worth and begin forging definitions and identities that go above and beyond the ones society imposes upon us. It is up to us to decide if we are content to be defined by the pearl, the gold, and the candy… or if we want to be defined by a much higher ideal.

    Stop for just a moment. Drop the seventeen things that you are doing right now. Take a deep breath. And ask yourself… “Who defines me?”

  • Blogging Our Way to Understanding

    Plowing the Land

    Growing up Muslim in America entailed quite the ensemble of “different” experiences.  I stood out in elementary school for the ethnic foods packed lovingly by ‘Ummi in neatly stacked Tupperware. While my public school classmates unwrapped tidy, triangularly cut sandwiches of peanut butter and jelly, I was left awkwardly gripping my soggy fava-bean stuffed pita bread or stabbing my fork into some saucy meat and rice mixture. 

    As I progressed to middle school, my choice to wear hijab early on was as clear of an indicator of my “differentness” as if I had a big red distinguisher on my forehead identifying me as the one who didn’t belong.  Moving into high school, the differences continued to create a separate zone for me to function in.  I didn’t need to make excuses for not attending parties or the prom since it was already known that I was… well… “Different.”

    The label of “different” suited me just fine.  I had no qualms about standing out in my public school as the token Muslim girl or at least as one of the few openly-identifiable Muslim girls

    In the time that defined my childhood and teen years, the label of “different” suited me just fine.  I had no qualms about standing out in my public school as the token Muslim girl or at least as one of the few openly-identifiable Muslim girls.  My parents had gone to great lengths to ensure that my sisters and I had a strong network of Muslim friends outside of school.  Hours were spent every weekend driving us to a not-so-nearby neighborhood so that we could attend a Muslim youth program and participate in other activities that helped connect us to a larger Muslim community.  At home, ‘Ummi worked hard to create a social atmosphere with friends and family that fostered love and pride for our Islamic identities.

    It was easy to accept and even welcome the feeling of “being different” in school with such a supportive home, family, and community.  The hadith from Abu Hurayrah from the Prophet (peace be upon him) served to strengthen my embrace of dissimilarities:  “Islam began as something strange and will revert to being strange as it began, so give glad tidings to the strangers.”  And I was definitely glad to be “strange” during those formative years.

    Upon entering college I was suddenly introduced to a whole new world of “sameness.”  I was no longer the only “hijabi” around.  Everywhere I looked, there were Muslims —  praying together, breaking the fast together, studying together.  I fell in love with the college atmosphere and with the ease of having access to an ummah of like-minded individuals at any given time.

    Amidst all this sameness, my communal walls slowly were built up around me. I reveled in the similarities I could share with my expanding circle of like-minded friends.  It was easy now to ignore the rest of the world as I moved among other Muslims.  All I needed was my close-knit community, my extended family, and my childhood friends.  I felt comfortable and confident in my “sameness” with this population and shifted the title of “different” to all those who didn’t share my Muslim beliefs.

    The label of “different” suited me just fine.  I had no qualms about standing out in my public school as the token Muslim girl or at least as one of the few openly-identifiable Muslim girls

    Tilling the Soil

    I graduated college and kept my new relations intact. After marrying, my husband and I continued to move towards solidifying our Muslim community. We worked hard to create social gatherings for our children and to maintain a strong collectivist feel between Muslim friends, neighbors, relatives, and so many others in our social circles that shared our beliefs. The striking ayah of Surat Aal-e-Imran that prescribes the importance of establishing the ummah was always foremost in our minds, “Hold on firmly together to the Rope of Allah, and be not divided among yourselves; remember (with gratitude) the favors Allah bestowed on you, when you were one another’s foe and He reconciled your hearts, and you turned into brethren through His grace. You were then on the brink of the pit of fire, and He saved you from it. In this way Allah makes His signs clear to you, so that you may find the right path” (Qur’an, 3:103).

    Even as we attended work and school, we kept our interactions with non-Muslims minimal and avoided any true engagement or open dialogue.  We were so focused on allowing our children to experience the sense of “belonging” that we had never experienced in our own public school years that we didn’t realize what they were losing by being sheltered in a safe cocoon of  a purely homogeneous culture. We only had to look to the next ayah of Surat Aal-e-Imran to realize what we were missing in our single-minded sameness:  “Let there be a body of people among you, who invite others to all that is good, and enjoin what is right, and forbid what is wrong. They are those who will be successful.” (Qur’an, 3:1043)

    SubhanAllah!  In the very same surah that speaks of strengthening the ummah comes the concept of dawah.  By secluding ourselves with only same-faith, like-minded individuals, we had unwittingly cut ourselves off from interacting with those people who we could “invite to all that is good,” from engaging in any form of relationship that would allow for sincere and open dialogue and discourse about faith. 

    We had unwittingly cut ourselves off from interacting with those people who we could “invite to all that is good”

    Planting the Seedlings

    Somewhere in between the time of my marriage and delivering my first child, my latent interest in writing was suddenly rekindled.  Still singularly focused on creating “a world of similarities” for my children, I wrote and published my first book “The BFF Sisters” (Amana Books, 2001). My intention was to write characters into the world that my future daughters could eventually identify with. Again, it was the focus on sameness that fueled my interest in writing and that drove my desire to write strictly for a Muslim audience.

    Once the book came out, I focused on circulating it to Muslim children who I thought would be interested in the “sameness” quotient.  The reaction was good, but not strong enough to sustain my publisher’s interest in continuing with the intended series.  I put thoughts of writing aside and decided to move on.  It wasn’t until nearly a decade later that a student of mine at the university mentioned that he had purchased a copy of my book and had read it to his daughter who loved learning about the Muslim characters.  I was floored by this revelation.  Never had it occurred to me that my writing could reach out to someone who wasn’t Muslim and that an audience other than that intended for the book would find my words “interesting.”  During this discussion in class, other students began to ask about obtaining copies of my book so that they could read it to their children as well. Feedback began to roll in on different characteristics of the characters’ lives and engaging talks ensued.  And just like that, the wall of sameness that I had carefully constructed so many years before slowly began to crumble. This was dawah!

    Somehow, my writing had paved the way for a whole new dialogue in class. Something I had written was spurring conversations and the exploration of questions and issues with an unintended audience.  Encouraged by our discussions, I began to think about writing again and even more so about writing for a wider audience — essentially writing outside of my safe haven and reaching out to engage the unfamiliar “difference” of those on the other side of a line I myself had drawn around me and my family.

    Sunshine, Water, and Air

    For the first time in many years, I felt encouraged to join a writing organization — a mainstream national writing group that attracts thousands of members from all different walks of life, ethnicities, and religions. I had focused for so long on staying behind the line I had drawn that I was a little hesitant to step into that unknown territory and re-experience being “strange.” 

    In preparation for a local conference, the writing organization assigned members to various groups and asked us to converse online with the other critique group members.  Anticipating that I would feel out of place and awkward,  I waited anxiously to see who in my assigned group would be first to send out an introductory email. And then, there it was, soon after the groups were assigned… an email from Suzi Ryan — a devout Christian woman with three children and a love of coffee and chocolate that rivaled my own. From that very first email, I found myself stepping out of my comfort zone and into the bright light of camaraderie.  Our emails unfolded rapidly as our discussions moved from writing to work to family.  Then our talk inevitably turned to the faith that played such a large role in each of our lives. Through the course of our discussions, I truly began to understand the ayah that states: ““O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other. Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well-acquainted (Qur’an, 49:13).

    The lines I had drawn and then the walls I had built to encircle and protect the “sameness,” had been all too effective in keeping out the differences that Allah (SWT) has clearly spoken of in the Qur’an.  In each of our emails we found ourselves wishing that we could somehow share our exchange of information with others.

    Taking Root and Growing

    After emailing each other for many long months, Suzi and I decided to begin a blog together. We chose the name “A Tale of Two Suzies” because we wanted to share our views without the pressure of conforming to a set topic or idea.  Our tagline read: “Suzi and Suzy are two aspiring MG/YA (middle grade/young adult) authors, mothers of three children each, and avid coffee drinkers. Oh yeah, and one of us is a Christian and one of us is a Muslim… and we haven’t killed each other yet.”

    We decided to share our thoughts on whatever was important to us on any particular day.  We don’t proselytize or solely stick to religious issues.  For example, Suzi is an avid reader and often chooses to write book reviews on the blog with ratings about how appropriate the subject matter is. I, on the other hand, often feel the urge to write about current events or life musings from my perspective.  We don’t argue about religion or try to convert others on the blog. Our aim is to be open, to share, and to plant seeds of understanding.  Clearly the Qur’an underscores this: “And argue not with the People of the Scripture unless it be in (a way) that is better, save with such of them as do wrong; and say: We believe in that which hath been revealed unto us and revealed unto you; our God and your God is One, and unto Him we surrender” (Qur’an 29: 46).

    Without stepping on each other’s toes, Suzi and I have been able to learn quite a bit about our respective viewpoints. For me, my faith and Muslim identity are certainly strengthened  by being surrounded  by those who share my beliefs; but, as I have come to understand with some age and maturity, it is also enhanced by experiencing the differences that abound.  Suzi’s first blog post captured the initial sentiment of surprise that we both had upon highlighting our similarities. “When I started writing again, desperate to remember who I was before I became a mommy, I prayed.  I prayed for someone, a friend, a confidante, a fellow writer, someone I could talk shop with about writing, someone who would understand the drive to create a story and have it read by someone else.  Such was my prayer. Never, ever let it be said God doesn’t have a sense of humor.  Because God did in fact answer my Christian prayer — he sent me a Muslim.” (S. Ryan)

    With the prevalence of online publications, almost anyone today can record their thoughts for the world to read.  The downfall of blogging is that one could become so enamored of his own words that arrogance is bred and recklessness in writing might rear its ugly head.  Recognizing that what you write is there for anyone to read bears with it great responsibility. Yet, in the trek towards finding the middle road between acknowledging differences and highlighting similarities with all human beings, the opportunity of using blog writing to get one step closer to interfaith understanding is a creative journey worth taking. 

    While the seeds of our blog may not go much further than our own backyards, if a few stray seeds mystically drift away and land in someone else’s garden, then that’s one more opportunity for understanding that might take root and potentially grow and flourish.

    Interested in taking a peek?  Visit www.ataleoftwosuzies.blogspot.com