I have a friend who was married for nearly a decade when her husband asked for a divorce. At the time she had three young children, was a stay-at-home mom, and she was miserable. Although she had entered into her marriage with a husband she had chosen based on his good reputation within the Muslim community, she believed she had chosen wrong. Not long into the marriage, her husband’s behavior changed. He demanded everything be a certain way. If the eggs weren’t boiled for ten minutes as he liked them, he threw a fit and sent his wife to remake them. He was controlling and quick to anger. He wielded his words to belittle and humiliate his wife. It wasn’t until after he left her and their three children that she was able to process what she had endured and recognize it as emotional abuse.
In the 2021 Netflix movie “Maid,” which is based on a memoir by the same name, we see a realistic depiction of emotional abuse where fights between the couple are heated but never rise to physical violence. At her breaking point, the woman escapes with her toddler and speaks to a social worker who informs her that, even though her partner never struck her, the emotional and financial abuse she suffered qualified as domestic abuse. Many Muslim communities lack the education needed to properly identify domestic abuse in all its forms. This article aims to educate on the topic and encourage people who are suffering in psychologically damaging households to seek help.
What is emotional abuse?
A 2016 CDC survey found that 41 percent of women and 26 percent of men have experienced contact stalking, physical, or sexual violence at the hands of an intimate partner during their lifetime. The same survey found 61 million women and 53 million men have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
While most people understand the signs of physical abuse, many don’t know how to identify emotional abuse. Just like the story presented above, emotional abuse can be subtle. It might begin with a few nasty fights where one person loses their temper and name calls or throws things, but it can spiral and morph into something much more serious. The National Domestic Hotline defines emotional abuse as “non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you.”
One way to recognize an emotionally abusive partner is when they exhibit signs seeking control. While jealousy is a natural human emotion and there are healthy ways to deal with it, controlling one’s partner is not one of them. Many people who have been in relationships with jealous spouses reported their partner’s unwarranted jealousy leads them to become controlling. The jealous spouse wants to know where their spouse is every hour of the day, often bombarding them with texts and calls. They question their partner’s intentions and accuse them of cheating with no evidence. They also begin to isolate the person from friends by inviting negativity into those relationships.
Control also may surface in respect to finances. It’s most prevalent if one spouse is working and the other is not. Limiting access to money as a means of manipulating someone to exert control is a form of financial abuse and falls under the umbrella of emotional abuse.
Gaslighting is another form of emotional abuse. This occurs when one person attempts to make the other person question their reality. Emotionally abusive partners will unfairly blame their partners for making them upset, and make it seem like their partner’s sanity is the issue. Other forms of gaslighting could involve a person telling they’re partner “you’re crazy” or that people are lying to them, despite the fact they are usually at the forefront of deceitful behavior.
Withholding affection is yet another common tactic to gain control. In such cases, a person may withdraw from all forms of intimacy, including simple acts of love and kindness until they get what they want. Other forms of manipulation include exaggerating flaws, guilt-tripping, and using emotions against their partner. Sometimes abuse is downplayed because the abuser likes to be sarcastic and make jokes about everything and everyone. But an abuser’s words are chosen carefully to injure their partner. They will attempt to humiliate, even in the presence of their partners’ friends or family, and if their partner confronts them about it, they’ll say they’re just joking and do so with everyone.
Keep in mind this is not an exclusive list of emotionally abusive behaviors. There could be other signs not mentioned that would still be considered abusive. Please consult with a professional if you think you may be experiencing abuse.
How to get help
For many people, the decision to leave a harmful relationship is thwarted because of the stigma attached to divorce. I’ve heard many encounters of women going to their family or a trusted imam for help only to be told they should stay, downplaying the actions of the abuser as a one-time ordeal. The advice is always rooted in a cultural belief that divorce is wrong. While it’s true divorce is something Allah does not like, it is permitted in Islam. Unlike other religions like Catholicism, divorce is a tool people can use to remove themselves from bad situations. In fact, there are lengthy descriptions in Surah At-Talaq about how a divorce should be handled under Islamic law.
Sadly, there is a serious lack of education in the Muslim community about how emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse and should not be endured. As a result, people often stay in abusive marriages for decades, leaving them with severe negative impacts. Not only may the abuser attempt to take their partner’s money or children if they try to leave the marriage, but they can trigger depression, low self-esteem or self-worth or even Post Traumatic Stress syndrome.
If you think you may be in an emotionally abusive marriage, please seek the help of a mental health professional or a domestic violence advocate. Organizations like Wasilah Connections and ICNA Relief aim to support and guide Muslims who are struggling with the idea of divorce and can guide folks who need help exiting an abusive marriage or healing from one. If you need immediate help, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
